[Some1HelpPlz]

OK, to make a long story short, I found out my Fiancé is lying to me.

She worked late Super Bowl Sunday (2-1-09) , and nothing came up until today. I asked her over and over if her work was having a super bowl pool. She said she didn't know cause she doesn't talk to the people that run them. I didn't push it cause I thought she was being honest.

Well today, I wanted to do something to keep things interesting and put a rose flower in her wallet, and found a superbowl pool tab (well, 3) there. I didn't dig in her wallet and wasn't snooping. I felt like I needed to spark something to make it all good again. We have been dornmant for weeks now.

Anyway, I tried to figure out a way to bring this up to her. Enter problems. I asked her if she would be more pissed at me if I lied straight to her face or left details out because I would get mad. She said she would be mad with me if I lied to her face, which she did to me. So I told her I attempted to put a left over Valentines day rose petal in her wallet to find later on and love. She loved the idea and then I told her what I found. KaBoom. Huge fight, she thought that I found the pool tab in her purse, sorry wasn't there. I don't even know where her purse is. More red flags, sheet I been with her 7 years, red flags now?

Anyway, as the night progresses, she acts all mad at me for trying to spice up our love life while she neglects me by going to bed without a kiss. I am confused please help.

PS
The spell check on here don't work.

[Nestorian]

This kind of thing can happen any time in life... People grow, and some times they grow apart.

Maybe she is lying to you, why?

You are just as deserving as her to hear the truth. You, were open and honest by telling her what you found, by accident. Personally, if she is that mad, it's because she feels bad about something, so you have to be extra careful how you go about things or it will be a bad situation.

Give her time, but it's up to you weather you press the matter further. The answer could be painful, more then you expect, or maybe not. I don't know...

Others might say, to hell with her tell her to give you an answer and cut the B.S. But they don't love her like you do, I say be kind, careful, and guarded. I may not lover her either, but I am still a human, and an extreemly compationate one at that. Understanding is key.

I'd talk to her about it again later when she seemed calm, and if she blows up, try to keep your head, ask her questions that may get you the answers you want. She may try to hide in the bed room, but don't let her do that, if you want to really know...

Peace an kindness..

[Some1HelpPlz]

Oh, I forgot to mention that she filled 4 other squares with other guys names, well 1 other guys name

[Romefalls19]

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Try talking about it again when she isn't so angry.

[jmw0713]

Is this the first time you suspect anything? This seems like a very minor thing to lie about. Maybe she didn't want to tell you about the Football pool because she thought you would get mad.

What other things make you think she is cheating? I mean I would not go accusing my SO of cheating over 4 football squares, unless there is some sort of history of funny business.

[Some1HelpPlz]

Is this the first time you suspect anything? This seems like a very minor thing to lie about. Maybe she didn't want to tell you about the Football pool because she thought you would get mad.

What other things make you think she is cheating? I mean I would not go accusing my SO of cheating over 4 football squares, unless there is some sort of history of funny business.

First off, I am not accusing her of cheating. I just wanted opinions if her lying is heading in that direction. She has been lying and acting distant from me for months now. My intuition is on overdrive now and it is driving me nuts. I want answers out of her about allot of the things that have been going on, but I get the cold shoulder once I start to communicate about them to her.

I know people grow and change, but we have been growing and changing together for 7 years. I guess I first noticed a change in her when she got her best friend a job with her about a year ago. At first, it was fine they would joke and laugh and tell me everything funny that happened at work. Then the stories faded and all the "funny stories" got told behind closed doors or while I was not around. I didn't think much about it at the time, but recently when I told her I miss hearing those stories, she got all defensive as if I was prying for information. So I backed off asking anything about work for awhile.

As far as funny business goes, well I have noticed a few odd things lately. For example, we have talked about getting matching tattoos for a few years now, And recently she told me she was thinking of getting a peace sign tattoo out of no where. Also, she has bought allot of peace sign clothing and jewerly. It is only odd to me because she has always made fun of the hippie type of lifestyle, and now she seems to be living it. Another weird thing is that she used to listen to upbeat dance type of music. Now, she is talking with her best friend about compiling a CD with old southern rock and hairband music to listen to. It might seem stupid, but just another weird change in her I can't explain. It just seems she is being influenced by someone else, and maybe that is what is driving me crazy.

We were all supposed to take a road trip today (Me, Her and BFF) to do of all things buy more hippie stuff, and after finding the SB pool tabs and her getting all defensive about it I decided not to go. She didn't even beg me to come along, so I am guessing my company was unwanted anyway. If she would have apologized about hiding it from me, and explain to me why she did it, I would have gone.

Yes, I am a thinker that has to rationalize everything, and all this makes no sense. Any wisdom or insight is appreciated.

[jmw0713]

I think you are over analyzing the situation and blowing things out of proportion. She is hanging out with her BFF a lot, so she will start to do things and like things that her BFF likes. Let them go on this road trip by themselves. While they are out, you call your buddies up and do something with them.

It seems you may be smothering her and starting to get jealous. Jealousy and smothering kills relationships. I know this first hand, because I did it, with out knowing until it was too late.

You also are trying to trap her in a lie by asking one off questions like:

I asked her if she would be more pissed at me if I lied straight to her face or left details out because I would get mad.

See you are already accusing her of lying, when you don't know the whole story. This is why the fight happened, because she knows that you already assumed she was guilty. Then you keep trying to pry more and more information from her, when you should just let it go in the first place.

I would definitely layoff of getting answers out of her for a while and not worry what she is doing all the time. Start hanging out with your group of friends more and doing things you like. It seems like you have started to make her your life. That cannot happen. This is why she is puling away, to get away from you and your prying suspicions for a little while.

Lying doesn't necessarily lead to cheating, however it is a sign that she is pulling away and scared to tell you things because she thinks you will overreact.

[Some1HelpPlz]

So are you saying to backoff and continue to be disrespected? It seems a little weird to me, but I will try anything at this point. I just want an honest healthy relationship.

[jmw0713]

I know how you feel. I suggest trying this first and see if she opens up to you. Try not let it get to you by doing things with your own friends for a little bit. Hopefully she will come around and want to talk and you can both can hash things out in a cool, calm and collected manner. Right now is not the time, because everything is still heated and will lead to a fight.

[Dragonfly1234]

I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion at all. From a woman's perspective, I can tell you that something is up with her. I've been with my SO going on 9 years and we've been through a couple of phases inwhere we became a bit more distant with each other, and it was never just 'a phase', it was always something deeper. We worked through it each time and never let things go too far but had we not, we probably could've drifted apart.

Your fiancé is becoming distant because something else is more appealing to her right now than you. Sorry to be blunt. I don't think you're overreacting. When you confront someone about lying and they get mad and defensive, there is definitely something going on and you're doing the right thing by not being oblivious to this.

Worse case scenario, let's say someone at work has sparked her interest, if your intention is to mend the relationship, spice things up and get her attention back on you and your relationship, the worse thing you can do is be jealous and accusing or you will appear insecure, which will make her even more detached from you. I know it sounds like a double standard but if you suspect she is lying and may lead to cheating, you need to focus all your effort on reminding her why she choose to be with you for seven years in the first place.

People can have wandering eyes and even wandering hearts sometimes, but if there is nothing significantly wrong with the relationship, all she needs is a wake up call of the fact that the grass is truly greener right where she is and nowhere else, and your job is to quiet your ego and show her just that. :)

[jmw0713]

True Dragonfly, but he is not making matters any better for himself, or her, by constantly fighting with her.

If they both take a few days, settle down, and back off each other a bit, then the truth may come out and everything will be fine.

BTW... is her BFF a male or female?

[Dragonfly1234]

It seems this issue has been ongoing for a while now, I don't think a few days will make a difference. I think it will take work and time and patience if he wants to rekindle the commitment.

[jmw0713]

Yes, it will take work and longer than a few days to get everything out. However, there is no use fighting about it when both parties are mad at each other. It is best to let emotions settle first before going back to this issue.

He has not mentioned in any of his posts that there was past behavior of commitment issues. So why assume this is happening? I think that is another part of the issue here... trust. He is assuming something is up and confronting her, when it seems to be nothing, therefore pushing her further away and possibly causing her lie to keep him from getting angry.

Hence the reason to back off a bit and let things settle down, so both of them can see the situation more clearly, rather than see through their emotions.

[Dragonfly1234]

I agree that the confrontation is detrimental but I don't agree that this "seems to be nothing".

[slapshot_oi]

I'd be pissed if a girlfriend of mine lied to me about something so minuscule, too.

The only reason I can think of why she'd do that is she either A) has a known gambling problem or B) you're constantly blasting her with questions and she just got sick of answering them (clingy).

I guess the only thing you can do is talk to her, and if she continues to lie then just tell her your done. That'll give her a wake-up call and she'll stop the nonsense.

It just seems she is being influenced by someone else, and maybe that is what is driving me crazy.

Every worried boyfriend I know thinks this about their girlfriends. Don't suggest this to her. If you blame her behavior on her best-friend, not only will she tell her best-friend which will create a rift between you and the other most important person in her life, you're calling your girlfriend stupid by implying she's not smart enough to make these decisions on her own. These words burn bridges.

Even if you know it's her friend's influence (and I got to be honest, in long-term relationships it usually is), still don't suggest it.

[jmw0713]

OK. It is strange that she is lying and getting defensive over something trivial, which does suggest there is possibly something more going on here.

Trust what your gut says and go with that. You have been with this girl for 7 years. You know her better than all of us put together on this board.

Lying alone, does not always mean someone is cheating, however she is trying to hide something that you will need to know... but not right at THIS moment.

I agree with Slapshot, being clingy will illicit these responses from girls.

[talaniman]

You need facts, ask for them calmly after a cooling off period. Just ask her what's been up lately?

[Miss Helpful]

I believe as a woman myself, to give her a tiny bit of space. Now I'm not saying leave her alone and try to forget about the hole thing. I'm just saying that us women do NOT like it when our boyfriend/ fiancee/ husband gets "nosy".

Sit down and talk to her. Ask sincerely for the truth and tell her that if she continues to lie, your relationship just won't work out and you're serious about this. Tell her your marriage will be a huge mess with lying. Tell her you love her and you'd like to kind of start over.

[Some1HelpPlz]

Ok, So we talked tonight and she told me she lied to me because she didn't want me to know she wasted $80 on SB squares. Then she also stated that I would never know about the $1500 that she could have won. She wanted to keep it hidden in case we ever needed it.

OMFG, I did not want to hear this, but I did ask for it. I couldn't care less about the 80 effin dollars that she lost . And if she won the 1500 she would not tell me? I have never giving her a reason to lie to me, now it seems that is her perfection.

WOW. Now I find out she changed the PW on our joint HR block account. Oh man need advice fast.

[Nestorian]

Ok, So we talked tonight and she told me she lied to me because she didn't want me to know she wasted $80 on SB squares. Then she also stated that I would never know about the $1500 that she could of won. She wanted to keep it hidden in case we ever needed it.

OMFG, I did not want to hear this, but I did ask for it. I could care less about the 80 effin dollars that she lost . And if she won the 1500 she would not tell me? . I have never givin her a reason to lie to me, now it seems that is her perfection.

WOW. now I find out she changed the PW on our joint HR block account. oh man need advice fast.

Wow, kill the motor dude... Really, if you let this anxiety get the best of you, the negative catstrophising, role playing of bad things, will burn you out. A person can only handle so much stress, before they break and become unstable at best.

I suggets couples counseling, or at least you get some. If you want a "quick fix", then know that the only "quick fix" is a lie. You sound very unsure/ insecure, why are you thus? What you have given us is only scratching the surface you need to dig deeper and find that out, what makes you so upset?

Don't keep these feelings in, because if you do, then you'll slowly suffer until finnally you either push her away, or she pushes you away. Be open and honest, even if that means she wants to leave you, you have to face that. Love is not just about how a person feels, nor how two people feel about one another, but about taking responsibility for themselves and how they treat others... (my personal beief.)

What's more is she sounds like she is separating from you, Maybe not thought, the question is why was she so deffensive? For one, you sound rather compationate, understanding, and respecting. So why did she not trust you about he SB draw? What did she plan to do with the money if she had won it?

Ultimately it's up to you brother, but please do becareful and remember to respect yourself too. You are worth the effort, and deserve to know if you have a girl friend or just some women sleeping next to you. (no offence.)

Peace and kindness.