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neverme · Feb 22, 2009, 11:31 PM

A Thank u letter!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years.

Yes,

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart,for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola, because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day,

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill

From hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within Five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all!

BUT that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favour!! It’s the least I can do!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know for a fact that this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's, ex-wife's mother's beautician!

So now you know it must be true

KC13 · Feb 23, 2009, 04:55 AM

Uncle Daddy, is that you?:p

twinkiedooter · Feb 23, 2009, 02:15 PM

Should have posted this in the Current Events section... would make more sense there considering some of the other entries that are there.

linnealand · Mar 2, 2009, 02:03 PM

I needed a smile just like the one you gave me! I think my mom and my aunt love me, and then they forward all of their chain letters my way, lol. There is nothing good about a chain letter! Not once have I ever sent one to anybody. I think it's an awful thing to do. Hmm... but I really should send them a copy of this. :) Loved it.

neverme · Mar 2, 2009, 06:45 PM

Great! :D

friend4u178 · Mar 2, 2009, 07:20 PM

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

**** 'em! If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't ****ing care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then **** off

neverme · Mar 2, 2009, 07:37 PM

Have to spread the rep, friend, but Billy, oh how I love him!

friend4u178 · Mar 2, 2009, 07:39 PM

LOL... thats fine neverme it's the thought that counts ;), just thought this one may give a few laughs :)

neverme · Mar 2, 2009, 07:47 PM

Posted the lyrics to a song of his.. inevitably a lot of profanity.. but I bleeped, hope that won't offend :confused:

friend4u178 · Mar 2, 2009, 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

posted the lyrics to a song of his..inevitably alot of profanity..but I bleeped, hope that won't offend :confused:

Didn't see that... :confused:

neverme · Mar 2, 2009, 08:01 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/humor-...an-324185.html

:D

linnealand · Mar 2, 2009, 10:59 PM

Friend, that was fantastic. I would be thrilled if people would post all of their "responses" to those horrible chain letters here. By the way, I just checked my mailbox. There's another one! Remember, if you get pulled over by an unmarked police car, dial *77. I know the phone companies don't tell you that, but do it. You know, I have a feeling that there's only one guy in the world who has been writing every one of them since 1994. I hope he's not a leprechaun... or a magical gypsy. What if it really is Bill Gates? Do you know how many people may have died because you were too lazy to hit the send button to everyone you know? That's blood on your hands. That's a ticket to the eternal house of fire. Guilty? Yeah, you should feel guilty. Guilty as sin. p.s. there was a reference to this in the bible, but that page is missing. Doesn't matter though, because once we find Nostradamus's book on it, you'll see. In your face! You'll all see.