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pheonix99 · Feb 22, 2009, 08:28 PM

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years. Yet I know I can't live with him and like this anymore. I think that I am still young and don't have to put up with all of this and that I can start a new life again.
Let me explain this, I know I must sound naiv.
He is very emotionally abusive to me, I have changed so much, from being an outgoing, confident young girl to a shy, scared of everything, feeling like I'm 60 years old lady.
He won't allow me to do anything anymore and it gets worse every day. I'm at the point where I can't leave the house, he controls every move every phone call. I don't have any friends and no money. But most of all I am just scared of him.
Recently I found out that he is talking to his ex girlfriends online, making fun of me. He doesn't know that I know he does that, if I told him he would get so mad I don't know what he would do.
I have been thinking of ways how to leave but I don't really know what to do.
I have a friend in a different state who told me I can move there for a while and stay with her. So what I thought about doing is... I would like to just leave one day, take the plane and leave a note while he's at work. I am very scared to tell him to his face, he wouldn't let me go. So I would like to file for divorce from there, but I think I need to live there for 6 months to be able to do that.. I don't have the money to live on my own for 6 months.
Please help

Wondergirl · Feb 22, 2009, 08:37 PM

Does he work? Aren't you ever alone?

twinkiedooter · Feb 22, 2009, 08:39 PM

Get on the plane and go to your friend's house. You will figure out what to do once you are away from him. He is only going to get worse and worse. Under no circumstances tell him where you are once you are away from him.

twinkiedooter · Feb 22, 2009, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does he work? Aren't you ever alone?

She said she was going to leave a note while he was at work.

Justwantfair · Feb 22, 2009, 08:45 PM

What would be the new state? That would determine how long you needed to be there before they have jurisdiction. Are there children involved?

Wondergirl · Feb 22, 2009, 08:48 PM

How can he control you while he's at work?

I know you're scared. I agree -- go to your friend's house and work out a plan.

pheonix99 · Feb 22, 2009, 08:49 PM

The state I would go to is Kentucky. My husband is in the military. And yes I am always alone, I don't know anybody here. You think I can do it like that? That would be my only option. So how can I file for divorce from over there?
Thanks guys a lot, I appreciate your help!

Justwantfair · Feb 22, 2009, 09:00 PM

Kentucky is 180 days you will have to live there before you can file.

pheonix99 · Feb 22, 2009, 09:06 PM

Yes I heard it is. So what can I do?

Justwantfair · Feb 22, 2009, 09:11 PM

Go to Kentucky, get out of this for your own safety, do not leave any forwarding information and if you run into any difficulties seek out organizations similar to Women Against Violent Environments (WAVE).

dontknownuthin · Feb 23, 2009, 12:52 PM

I think your plan to leave and your plan to stay with your friend are both great ideas. I would suggest a step in between leaving home and going to her house, which is to go to a battered women's shelter. You may not feel like a "battered woman" but the type of control and manipulation you describe certainly counts, and more importantly, it can provide you a great solution to the issues you are concerned about. That is, you will have a safe place with a lot of experienced people who can help you find good resources such as qualified attorneys, and you can call and speak with them openly without your husband having anything to say or do about it. You can get some rest from the stress of this situation, and emotional support to the extent you are ready for it (everyone's different). Then you can file for divorce before you leave the state, and may also be able to get some practical assistance with things like financial support. It can be arranged for money for support to be sent to your lawyer instead of direct to you, to maintain your safety. You can likely get a temporary order for interim support on an emergency basis, which may or may not become the permanent arrangement upon your divorce. It sounds like you have not worked during the marriage, so you may have to from a practical standpoint, take money from your spouse after leaving for a while, until your marital assets are divided.

Your lawyer can advise you on your rights and responsibilities, and when would be a legally appropriate time for you to leave the state and go to your friend's house. He or she can also advise you on things like how you can get more of your stuff out of the house safely and things like that, so I would suggest that retaining a lawyer before you leave the state would be a very good idea.

Best wishes and be smart... don't worry about his feelings now... cold and calculating may be exactly who you need to be for a period to make yourself absolutely clear and to be absolutely safe.

pheonix99 · Feb 23, 2009, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I think your plan to leave and your plan to stay with your friend are both great ideas. I would suggest a step in between leaving home and going to her house, which is to go to a battered women's shelter. You may not feel like a "battered woman" but the type of control and manipulation you describe certainly counts, and more importantly, it can provide you a great solution to the issues you are concerned about. That is, you will have a safe place with a lot of experienced people who can help you find good resources such as qualified attorneys, and you can call and speak with them openly without your husband having anything to say or do about it. You can get some rest from the stress of this situation, and emotional support to the extent you are ready for it (everyone's different). Then you can file for divorce before you leave the state, and may also be able to get some practical assistance with things like financial support. It can be arranged for money for support to be sent to your lawyer instead of direct to you, to maintain your safety. You can likely get a temporary order for interim support on an emergency basis, which may or may not become the permanent arrangement upon your divorce. It sounds like you have not worked during the marriage, so you may have to from a practical standpoint, take money from your spouse after leaving for a while, until your marital assets are divided.

Your lawyer can advise you on your rights and responsibilities, and when would be a legally appropriate time for you to leave the state and go to your friend's house. He or she can also advise you on things like how you can get more of your stuff out of the house safely and things like that, so I would suggest that retaining a lawyer before you leave the state would be a very good idea.

Best wishes and be smart...don't worry about his feelings now...cold and calculating may be exactly who you need to be for a period of time to make yourself absolutely clear and to be absolutely safe.

Thank you so much for all of your help! I will definitely do that, I feel so released that there is actually something I can do.
Thank you, god bless

melissashumate · Feb 23, 2009, 09:41 PM

Baby get on the plane and go you will figure everything out when u feel a little free when u have support. You are a woman you are strong and don't let him or anyone stand in your way

dontknownuthin · Feb 25, 2009, 10:22 AM

You are more than welcome. I am not a lawyer, but I am a paralegal student and what I'm learning... though I've been through my own adoption, divorce and a relocation hearing with my ex husband, is that as much as I think I know, I don't know enough. YOu must have a lawyer, and it's easier if you file in the state where you live now.

I also know from the experiences of people I've known that there will be a temptation to feel sorry for your spouse, to feel you "owe" him some emotional credit in terms of apologizing or explaining yourself or whatever, or you will want to temper his anger by sugar coating your decision. Don't do it. Controlling people need to be shown that they have no control over you whatsoever... for that reason, it might be better not to explain anything at all to him directly. I wouldn't leave a note. I'd have the attorney contact him and let him know you've left and do not want to be contacted, and that he can contact the attorney if he needs to reach you. Just don't put yourself in a position where you might be tempted to say too much, or tell him where you are or what you plan to do next.

Take care and act while you are motivated... don't get sucked back into his dysfunctional vortex!

melissashumate · Feb 25, 2009, 01:45 PM

I can't go to the state, he has me in a position where I am screwed. I have contacted the consault and they told me that I should try and get an interim custody order I have no idea what that is he monitors my phone calls and he rarely leaves me with money for the fact I may go. I am in trouble I have caused this mess I need to fix it now before its gone to far before I give up and lose the "balls" I have incountered.. he is enjoying that I have very little resources because of my "situation"

stevetcg · Feb 26, 2009, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by pheonix99

the state i would go to is kentucky. my husband is in the military. and yes i am always alone, i dont know anybody here. you think i can do it like that? that would be my only option. so how can i file for divorce from over there?
thanx guys alot, i appreciate your help!

While you are at it, call the highest ranked officer or NCO you know of in his chain of command and tell him about the abuse that you are putting up with. If you happen to know the name of his Command Sergeant Major or First Sergeant, they tend to be very good at dealing with abusive soldiers.

melissashumate · Feb 27, 2009, 08:45 AM

What does the above have to do with what I am dealing with. I don't know what to do he already says he does things intentionaly to hurt me or to start fights...