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I_miss_my_girl · Feb 21, 2009, 06:32 PM

I need help and as much advise please! I am a birthmother I just gave my daughter in adoption 2 months ago, she is now 3 months. Me and by boyfriend already gave our parental rights 2 months ago but the adoptive parents haven't finalized the adoption yet, it will be done next week as for now they are the legal guardians. My boyfriend and I are very depressed and we fight all the time because we blame each other for the adoption. The adoptive parents were always nice, until last week I want to pick up my daughther for the day and they said no. That really hurt me that I can not take my own daughther by myself out of their house. That was a wake up call for me and my boyfriend. We want her back now. I gave her up because my parents forced me to it and with the pregnancy and all the stress that I was going through I gave in. Im still living at home with my parents but my boyfriend and I are willing to move together to raise her together. Is there's something I can do to get her back since the adoption is not yet finalized? I feel sad, depressed and crying all the time because I miss her so much I wish I could take the time back. Please I need help!

Synnen · Feb 22, 2009, 09:29 AM

You need to get a lawyer, and you need to be able to PROVE that you were coerced into the adoption.

Of course you can't pick up your child for the day! Adoptive parents are not some child care facility that takes care of your child until you want to see her! It doesn't work that way!

You should have been informed COMPLETELY what signing away your rights meant--and I bet that you were, but somehow heard what you wanted to hear, or what the adoptive parents and agency wanted you to hear.

You have absolutely no chance of getting your daughter back without a lawyer--and you need to act RIGHT NOW, with a lawyer, if you plan on trying to do this.

Your chances are slim, but you may be able to do it---but ONLY if you have a GOOD lawyer.

collinsmom · Feb 22, 2009, 10:07 AM

My heart is breaking for you... it's situations like this that make me crazy. Of course you are going to feel sad, depressed, and cry a lot! What you have been through is one of the hardest things to do... giving up a child. I just wish that your parents would have sought counseling for you while pregnant and after you had the baby. I'm going to be honest with you... I'm an adoptive parent and have a great relationship with my son's birthmom. I wouldn't let her take our son somewhere without me. She's never asked, but I would have to be there with them.

I'm just going to say one last thing... remember, you need to do what is best for your daughter. At one point in time, you felt it was best for her to be raised by this other couple; to provide for her the way you did not feel you could. I understand that your parents pressured you into adoption... ask them to help you seek an attorney and counselor, like tomorrow. They need to help you through this too... take care.

ScottGem · Feb 22, 2009, 10:40 AM

Two good answers. I would also urge you to think long and hard about this. I understand the emptyness you feel, but it sounds like you are a teenager. You need to consider the affect having to care for a baby will have on your life. Having to get a job, having to commit a huge amount of time to caring for your child. Difficulty in finishing school. No longer being able to go out and hang with your friends. Giving up on the rest of your childhood and young adulthood. While your boyfriend is willing be a father now, will he continue to through the linmitations on his freedom that will happen? You also need to consider whether you can give your child the type of life the adoptive parents can.

Another thing to consider, the adoptive parents now appear to be willing to let you be a part of the child's life. While they may not allow you to just take her on your own, they do seem willing to let you see her. If you fight the adoption and lose, that will probably end.

I'm not saying you can't make it work, but the odds are stacked against you.

Michelle Miller · Mar 1, 2009, 08:45 PM

Every state is different. You have a certain amount of time after you sign away your rights to change your mind. If you tell what state your from I have an adoption book that states how long you have for each state to change your mind. I am pretty sure it is too late. I think a week is usually the longest. I agree with the person above. I don't think I would fight them. A lot of adoptive parents don't let the first mom and dad see the baby at all. If you make waves like that you might lose visitation. There are no laws in the United States saying that an adoptive parent has to keep an open adoption open. So I would try to get along as well as you can. I am so sorry that you are hurting though. I need to know what state you are in to tell you that though. Good luck. I would suggest going to therapy to have someone to talk too. They might have groups for first moms to come together and talk. It might help to have someone to talk too.

Love,
Michelle

Fr_Chuck · Mar 1, 2009, 08:49 PM

I will agree with Scott, the baby is not going to solve the problems between you and the boyfriend, and if you believe a baby is saving it, please expect the issues to just be differenct.

Also your age and responsibility. Who is working, can you afford the baby.

In the adoption is it a open one, with you having visits rights ?

In the end, please do this only if it is best for the child

I_miss_my_girl · Mar 3, 2009, 01:01 AM

Thank you for all the answers, but I'm sad I did not get much support. I am in Washington state. After the blog I posted many things happened. The adoptive parents contacted me so I could keep visiting my daughter. I don't want to talk to them. I haven't call back. I wish the wouldn't be so nice so it could be easier to fight them in court. I contacted an adoption lawyer and here in my state I have up to a year if I can show fraud or duress. He will take my case. My parents pressure and threat me to give her up and Im going to try to win her back. I have plenty of witnesses. If I don't do it life will be pointless. I will graduate hs in 3 more months and I will work to support her . Also her dad( my bf)is working and we are already looking for a place to live to move together this summer. My auntie offered to help me out with the lawyer fee because she knows how much I'm hurting. I have to meet with the lawyer on Thursday so I'll keep you all posted. Thanks!

Synnen · Mar 3, 2009, 06:41 AM

Have you also gotten COUNSELING about all of this?

You need to talk to a professional about your feelings. You also need to remember that you may fight the adoption--but VERY few adoptions are overturned. The judge isn't going to care as much about what YOU need as he is going to see about what is best for your baby.

And... as was pointed out, if youi fight this and lose, you will never have the trust of the adoptive parents again--and they WILL keep your child from you.

Think really hard about this, and please PLEASE see a counselor about it.

angelbaby01 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by i_miss_my_girl

i need help and as much advise please! I am a birthmother i just gave my daughter in adoption 2 months ago, she is now 3 months. Me and by bf already gave our parental rights 2 months ago but the adoptive parents haven't finalized the adoption yet, it will be done next week as for now they are the legal guardians. My bf and i are very depressed and we fight all the time because we blame each other for the adoption. The adoptive parents were always nice, until last week i wanna pick up my daughther for the day and they said no. That really hurt me that i can not take my own daughther by myself out of their house. That was a wake up call for me and my bf. We want her back now. I gave her up b/c my parents forced me to it and with the pregnancy and all the stress that i was going thru i gave in. Im still living at home with my parents but my bf and i are willing to move together to raise her together. Is there's something i can do to get her back since the adoption is not yet finalized? I feel sad, depressed and crying all the time b/c i miss her so much i wish i could take the time back. Please i need help!

Alli want to tell you is fight... because if you don't you will regret it in the end... u fight for your little girl!!

asking · Mar 5, 2009, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by angelbaby01

alli want to tell you is fight....because if you dont you will regret it in the end...u fight for your little girl!!!!

I actually think this is bad advice. My gut feeling is that if these two teens weren't bickering about the adoption it would be something else. The baby belongs with adults who can care for her in a consistent calm manner, not the high drama apparent in this post.

I_Miss_My_Girl, please accept this adoption and do not try to stop it. You did the right thing, whatever your reasons for agreeing to the adoption, and you now have time to mature and establish yourself in a productive and stable life that will allow you to have other children in the future if you decide to. For the sake of your birth daughter and your own good mental health, let go and move on.

You need to focus on your depression and get better. I can tell you from experience that an infant is NOT a cure for depression. Caring for an infant would most likely make you more depressed.

Also, your boyfriend should not be guilt tripping you about the adoption at this time. Stop blaming one another and be grateful that a loving couple have taken charge of your birth daughter. They are the parents now.

Are you now using birth control? Does either of you have a job?
Think about the future, responsibility for your actions, and patience.

ScottGem · Mar 5, 2009, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by angelbaby01

alli want to tell you is fight....because if you dont you will regret it in the end...u fight for your little girl!!!!

An emotional response to a complex situation. What if she fights and loses, as is a strong possibility? And, in losing, the adoptive parents cut her off. What will she regret then?

And if she really wants to fight for her little girl, how about fighting for her betterment? Did you ever consider that she would NOT be fighting for her little girl, but for her own needs. The problem here is that she feels an emptyness, that is perfectly natural and understandable. But that emptyness is her problem and there are other ways to deal with it then disrupting her the child's life and her own.

asking · Mar 5, 2009, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

An emotional response to a complex situation. ...

...Did you ever consider that she would NOT be fighting for her little girl, but for her own needs. The problem here is that she feels an emptyness, that is perfectly natural and understandable. But that emptyness is her problem and there are other ways to deal with it then disrupting her the child's life and her own.

Again, exactly right.

angelbaby01 · Mar 5, 2009, 08:37 AM

Originally Posted by scottgem

an emotional response to a complex situation. What if she fights and loses, as is a strong possibility? And, in losing, the adoptive parents cut her off. What will she regret then?

And if she really wants to fight for her little girl, how about fighting for her betterment? Did you ever consider that she would not be fighting for her little girl, but for her own needs. The problem here is that she feels an emptyness, that is perfectly natural and understandable. But that emptyness is her problem and there are other ways to deal with it then disrupting her the child's life and her own.

I'm not saying that, I just know as a mom lookingback I wish I would have fought harder. I miss my daughter so much. I have a little boy now who is 5 and he has changed my life.. I don't make a huge amount of money but he gets everytging he needs and he is a happy boy. Im just saying I can understand where she is coming from..
And really who knows its very possiable why they would be fighting, they may have made a impulsive decision , and now they are blammimg each other. I was worried when I had my son about providing but were doing great. Not saying it's that way for everyone. But that was my opinion wqs to fight for her.

ScottGem · Mar 5, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by angelbaby01

im not saying that, i just know as a mom lookingback i wish i would have fought harder. ... Not saying its that way for everyone. But that was my opinion wqs to fight for her.

And you are entitled to your opinion. But that doesn't mean your opinion was good advice. I certainly understand where you are coming from. And, if you had asked for advice when you had to make that decision, your circumstances may have been that I would have agreed that fighting was the right thing to do.

My point was that you read the OP's post and you empathized because you went through similar thing. So you gave her advice to fight based on your emotional response. But you didn't stop to read all the other comments here. You didn't stop to consider carefully the ramifications of such advice. And that made it bad advice In my opinion. You say that you miss your daughter, but that is YOUR situation. That only takes into account YOUR feelings. It doesn't take into account that the child may be in a very loving family that is taking very good care of her. That doesn't take into account the joy you have given to two people who otherwise might not know the happiness you have in rising your son. Think how your son changed your life and imagine how your sacrifice has changed the lives of her adoptive parents. Those are the feelings you should have, not the ache over the absence of your daughter, but the pride that you put aside your own needs for the sake of your dughter and the happiness you gave to another couple.

Synnen · Mar 5, 2009, 09:03 AM

I agree with Scott--to a point.

That ache never goes away, even if you went into choosing adoption eyes wide open and have few regrets about it.

I'm glad my daughter is in a happy, healthy home with loving parents. I'm glad I changed their lives, and I'm proud of the person I am today.

That doesn't mean I don't miss my daughter.

It simply means that I am STILL putting her needs above my own, years and years after I did that when I signed away my parental rights.

And I never EVER recommend actually CHOOSING adoption because of the circumstances in anyone's life but your own and the child's. Choosing adoption because it would change the life of someone else, or make a childless couple happy, is one step from coercion, to me. Choosing adoption because it would change the life of your CHILD for the better, and make your CHILD happy is a MUCH better reason for making that choice.

asking · Mar 5, 2009, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Choosing adoption because it would change the life of someone else, or make a childless couple happy, is one step from coercion, to me. Choosing adoption because it would change the life of your CHILD for the better, and make your CHILD happy is a MUCH better reason for making that choice.

Wow! Excellent point.

ScottGem · Mar 5, 2009, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

And I never EVER recommend actually CHOOSING adoption because of the circumstances in anyone's life but your own and the child's. Choosing adoption because it would change the life of someone else, or make a childless couple happy, is one step from coercion, to me. Choosing adoption because it would change the life of your CHILD for the better, and make your CHILD happy is a MUCH better reason for making that choice.

We don't disagree. I certainly wouldn't recommend giving up a child for adoption just to make someone else happy. I'm just saying that it may help a birth parent deal with that ache by remembering the happiness they allowed someone else to experience.

xxariesxx · Mar 5, 2009, 07:30 PM

I agree with the majority of the posts here that it is something that you should let go of... I think that you are in a good situation to be in an open adoption like that, that you can see her and the parents seem kind. By not calling them back after they tried to make amends and still include you in her life, shows a lack of maturity on your part, just because you didn't feel like talking to them. You are letting your emotions control your decisions, instead of truly thinking about your daughter and what is best for her.

My honest opinion is that you have waited too late to stop the adoption, and to do so now would only cause further grief to many people, including the adoptive parents who I'm sure are already very attached to her and had trusted your judgement in this situation. I'm not saying that it would be easy to move on from this, just that from all sides it looks like the right thing to do.

artlady · Mar 5, 2009, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Have you also gotten COUNSELING about all of this?

You need to talk to a professional about your feelings. You also need to remember that you may fight the adoption--but VERY few adoptions are overturned. The judge isn't going to care as much about what YOU need as he is going to see about what is best for your baby.

And...as was pointed out, if youi fight this and lose, you will never have the trust of the adoptive parents again--and they WILL keep your child from you.

Think really hard about this, and please PLEASE see a counselor about it.

I would like to know why counseling is not mandatory! It just seems so insane to me that such a life long decision should be made without some sort of objective(third party) counseling.

So many lives are affected here and I just don't understand the mindset that thinks a child making an adult decision without proper understanding of all the implications is O.K.

Synnen · Mar 6, 2009, 05:46 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

I would like to know why counseling is not mandatory! It just seems so insane to me that such a life long decision should be made without some sort of objective(third party) counseling.

So many lives are affected here and I just don't understand the mindset that thinks a child making an adult decision without proper understanding of all the implications is O.K.

Those of us active in the adoption community are working on making that law. However, adoption is by and large a state thing--there aren't that many FEDERAL laws overseeing adoption.

Counseling SHOULD be mandatory for all birthparents---both BEFORE the adoption takes place and for at LEAST a year after.

I've been in counseling off and on for 13 years for my child's adoption---and she will be 17 in May. There is no reason I should have gone through the suffering I went through---the SAME sorts of things that are going on with the OP in this case. In my case, I ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide three times. And I CHOSE adoption! I honestly didn't think I would be a good parent at the time, and was afraid I would screw up her life---but the depression afterwards was too much for me, and I felt like I didn't DESERVE to live--which is what a LOT of birthmothers go through.

People sometimes think I'm too pushy about the counseling thing after the adoption, but I honestly think that both birthparents AND adoptive parents need it.