[Lowtax4eva]

Well that's good, maybe she just wants to see what will happen (like if you can still be friends). I think that's the best to hope for right now.

Let us know how it goes Wednesday

[chrissymarie]

Just let her make the moves. You made the first move now you wait for her turn.

[I wish]

Well that's good, maybe she just wants to see what will happen (like if you can still be friends). I think that's the best to hope for right now.

Let us know how it goes wednesday

How it went Wednesday

So I'll try to make a long story short. When we met up, I asked her how she's been, cause she's had 5 days off already in her study break. And I asked her if she did anything fun so far. She told me that she's been pretty stressed and hasn't done anything fun at all. She has two midterms and a lab report due next week. And I knew that after lunch she had to go to school to get some work done. So when we went to eat, I ordered two glasses of wine. It actually worked out pretty well. But even before she took a sip of the wine, she already started opening up to me a lot. I've never heard her talk so much and so happy with "me" before. Basically she seemed really comfortable around me.

At first she was telling me some of her problems and I was just being a supportive friend, then we moved into more fun topics. But yeah, I was just glad to see her laugh and smile so much. We didn't end up talking about my feelings, which I'm cool with. I just wanted to rebuild our friendship first before worrying about that stuff.

However, I'm not entirely sure what's the next move. I think I want to start talking to her like normal again. I'll be the supportive friend but I'll also focus more on making her laugh and having more fun with me?

[I wish]

AFTER SOME REFLECTION TIME...

So I re-read all the posts and if I were to do a survey, 90% of the comments seem directed to snapping me back to reality, such as "move on", "stay away", "stay friends if possible," etc.

I know that these possibilities exists and when the time comes, I will accept. But I'm just not ready to give up on her. I think that I can safely say that we're talking like the way we used to, before my confession. And we still haven't talked about my feelings and I do not plan to bring them up again.

I have been given a new advice. One of my friends told me that if I really liked her as much as I say I do, I should take the time to get to know her better (in a friendship context). I admit, in this first year that I've known, I've seen her less than 10 times. Our friendship consists mostly of emails and phone calls, mostly because I live 2 hours drive away.

My question is, if I were to follow this advice, how can I up my friendship with her? I feel that I like her enough that I am willing to wait this out for a while. I'm not really in a rush for a girlfriend, so... how do I get closer as a friend, while still kepping my chances alive (and not going overboard with the friendship) and drawing a line so that she does not cheat on her boyfriend?

(I wanted to clarify one point, this is her first boyfriend, so she does not have a history of jumping from one guy to another and I do not plan to be her first jump.)

One last thing, we've almost never talked about her boyfriend before. There was once I hinted something to determine how serious she was with him. The answer I got can have two conclusions, either she does not want to talk about her boyfriend with me or she does not take him seriously. It's a 50/50 chance so I'm not going to assume anything.

We can all agree that it is difficult to trust a person who jumps from one significant other to another. Just to clarify, the reason the person breaks up with his or her significant other is because he or she fell for someone else.

The girl has never made the jump before. She's on her first boyfriend and I much rather her not leave him just because of me.

1) Is that "first" jump the begining of future jumps?

2) Jumps cannot last forever, because the person has to "stop" sometime, right?

3) Is one of the reason for the jumps because they should not have been with that person in the first place?

4) Holding on until they find someone better?

5) Are these people "untrustworthy"?

[kctiger]

Your questions are almost in an attempt to generalize certain people that exhibit certain behaviors. I am not sure, especially after question #1, that you can then ask the next 4 questions, as the last 4 questions revolve around a "pattern" and not just an isolated event, as question #1 is only an isolated event, unless it happens again... which would lead the questions to be answered on theory alone, and theory is pretty worthless when it comes to predicting certain types of relationships (though, obviously not all).

So, my theory in a nutshell, which has nothing to do with the first question: I would assume most people that constantly jump from one relationship to another have a serious self confidence issue. That, however, is merely my assumption, and nothing more...

[ordinaryguy]

She said: "I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me"

When someone says, "I don't know what to say" in response to a confession of love, it probably means, "I know that the truth would hurt you, so I don't want to say it". It almost certainly does NOT mean, "I feel the same way about you". If that were true, she WOULD "know what to say".

[inertia]

KCTiger is right. Too much to assume. I don't think relationship jumpers even plan to jump most of the time. Personally though, I wouldn't date someone that would end a relationship to be with me. I wouldn't let myself get close to someone like that for fear of them doing the same to me and thus the relationship would be doomed from the start.

[liz28]

If your being friends with her in hopes of the two of you getting together than don't because the two of you might never take it to the level of being boyfriend and girlfriend. In the long run this could only hurt you because your feelings for her might only grow deeper for her while her doesn't.

Now if your going be her friend than be just that and take the focus off her by getting out and dating people.

Now I've heard of friends taking it to the level you want but if your only be friends with her in hopes of wining her over this can backfire on you.

[Romefalls19]

There is too much to take into consideration on why the "first jump" was made.

I mean you could have a girl who was beat up and abused who found a guy at the place she works and finds comfort and strength in him to leave this arseclown and he treats her perfect they could live happily ever after.

It's all up to chance and scenarios

[I wish]

If your being friends with her in hopes of the two of you getting together than don't because the two of you might never take it to the level of being boyfriend and girlfriend. In the long run this could only hurt you because your feelings for her might only grow deeper for her while her doesn't.

Now if your going be her friend than be just that and take the focus off of her by getting out and dating people.

Now I've heard of friends taking it to the level you want but if your only be friends with her in hopes of wining her over this can backfire on you.

I know what you are saying, I can't wait forever for her... but the whole situation is just unbelievably painful.

I told her how I felt and she gives me an indirect response. Now we're talking again the way we used to. It also feels like she's more comfortable and open with me than before.

But... she's still with her boyfriend and I have no idea how they are doing because she never talks about him. And I almost never ask about him. I only remember asking her about him once in the year that I've known her and even that she gave a quick response.

My feelings have been growing deeper and depper the more I talk to her. So I tried ignoring her for a few weeks, but it killed me more than when I talk to her, because I rather her be part of my life as a friend than nothing at all. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I know that there are other fishes in the sea, but none like her... but there's practically nothing I can do about it...

When someone says, "I don't know what to say" in response to a confession of love, it probably means, "I know that the truth would hurt you, so I don't want to say it". It almost certainly does NOT mean, "I feel the same way about you". If that were true, she WOULD "know what to say".

I understand that part. It just sucks big time.

We started talking again the way we used to and she seems to be more comfortable and open with me than before. The more I talk to her, the more I've liked her. I thought eventually I would see her bad sides and my feelings would diminish, but it hasn't gone that way. So then I tried ignoring her for a few weeks, but that killed me even more, because I rather her be part of my life as a friend than nothing at all. I'm going to feel pain whether I talk to her or not.

I know that there are other fishes in the sea, but none like her... but there's nothing I can do about it... because she has a boyfriend... why does it have to suck so much?

[kctiger]

why does it have to suck so much?

Because you let it...

[I wish]

Because you let it...

So you are saying that I should be able to controlling how much I like her?

I don't think it was my actions that caused me pain, I think it's more like the fact that I really like her and there's no way that we could be together.

[kctiger]

Feelings are feelings... plain and simple. What I am saying is that sitting on your a$$ feeling bad that you "can't have" this girl is doing YOU no good. What you are doing is letting your feelings determine the root cause of your actions, and that, my friend, is a problem.

[HistorianChick]

If you continue trying to "win her over," you are making a conscious choice to break up her relationship and probably break her heart. When a girl is IN a relationship, she's IN it... and whenever a relationship ends, it HURTS. No matter what the circumstances, it hurts.

You are purposely trying to hurt her by trying to woo her away from her boyfriend. That is not a good friend. That is the epitome of selfishness.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but from a woman's perspective, it's sweet that you like her, good that you told her, respectful that you said "this is my feeling, but I'll let you decide," and great that you're trying to be her friend. BUT. If you keep trying to break up her relationship, you're being awfully selfish.

Check out my signature - the purple one is a good rule to live by.

[I wish]

I think people are getting confused about my intentions... If you read my earlier posts, I think I made it pretty clear that I've keep my distance from her as only a friend (except for when I told her how I felt). I also made it clear that I don't want to be the guy that she cheats with, so another reason why I had to keep my distance. And... I don't even want her to break up with her boyfriend to be with me... because... if she breaks up with her boyfriend for me:

(1) It means that they had a fragile relationship in the first place, so the pain that I might cause her is not as great as you think;

(2) If she can break up with her boyfriend so easily, who's to say that she won't do the same to me... so I don't know if I will be able to trust her as a boyfriend.

Either option is bad... so reality has sunk in... there's nothing I can do anymore. I either wait for them to break up and then maybe contemplate a move... or... just forget it.

As for sitting my my a$$ with these feelings = not healthy... what do you suggest I do? The point is, whether I wait for her or not it's going to be painful, because, even if we just stay friends, the more I talk to her, the more I like her... but if I choose to block her out of my life, I will feel even more pain because I want her part of my life one way or another.

And... giving up on her is the easy way out. I know that option is always there... but if I was going to give up, I wouldn't have ask everyone for help. I was really hoping for options that I have not yet considered... and not people telling me what I already know :(

[kctiger]

Choices man... that is what life is, a bunch of random, sucky, fun, not fun, hard, choices! Keep her as your friend and keep being miserable, or cut her out of your life, be in "pain" for a short period, and get on with YOUR LIFE!! Choices...

[HistorianChick]

You likened this whole thing to a test that you're going to fail because you weren't allowed to take the exam.

My advice to you?

Change your major.

Yes, blocking her out of your life will be horrifically painful, but you know what? We've all had to do it for one reason or another. It's hard... but dangling that beautiful apple before your eyes, just out of reach, is going to hurt you even more than being honest with yourself and with her.

You've said that the more you talk to her, the more you like her. Then you need to stop talking to her. Its harshly simple and realistic.

Be honest. You can't have a relationship with her without ulterior motives - hidden or not.

Here's another angle... she knows how you feel, she probably sees it on your face when you're together and can hear it in your voice. She knows that you've fallen head over heels for her... yet, she doesn't want to choose between her relationship and her friendship...

... Does that mean that she's using you? I don't know... just a thought...

[I wish]

Thanks for the advices. I know reality sucks and I have to face it one way or another. I won't hide from it or live in some fantasy world.

I've liked at least 10 different girls as a teenage and since I was 18, I've dated a girl for 3 years and then later, another girl for 2 years... and I don't think I've ever felt so much pain before for a girl, and I'm not even her boyfriend.

I'm just so shocked at how deep my feelings have gone. I didn't even know this kind of pain existed until I met her.

I'm willing to accept that she will never be anything more than a friend. I agree that her happiness should come above all else, regardless of what I want. But blocking her completely out of my life is just not something I'm ready to do.

[programmer man]

I'm a little late, but just meet the guy and be in the "friend zone" with him too. You're safer there. Of course he may not like you...
oh well, give it a try!

[Ash123]

Let me give you this nugget.

If you MOVE ON and date, THAT is when she will be most likely to pay attention how you want. Sorry.

It's human nature and the dynamics of dating when one is "on the fence"...

You are too... comfortable and easy man. And some rare girls appreciate that at her age - but not a ton - and she is in the majority. You will not be penalized for moving on. It's FAIR. And it's a win-win.

You get a girl. If she wants more you'll hear about it and you'll have to deal with two.