[this8384]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

Now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm

While these exchanges were actually taking place.


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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

________ ____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

Sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ting me?

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of
Conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNey: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________



And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

Began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[frangipanis]

LOL.. they're all great... loved the voodoo one.

[KC13]

Very good... I read one somewhere about a defendant's statement in court: "He was older than me at the time." As opposed to what? Has that, somehow, changed?

[twinkiedooter]

Those are real gems.

I used to spend my lunch hours reading real depositions and court transcripts, and some of them were quite outlandish as to the questions the lawyers asked. Even though I knew the outcome of the trial I still liked to read just what went on.