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gal_cara · Aug 17, 2006, 12:17 PM

All
My boyfriend and I are taking a break and not to bore you with the finer details it was MY idea. Now I'm miserable. I'm working away from my hometown for another month. Our break / breakup was loosely defined as we'll see how we feel when I get back in a month. And I said I didn't think we should talk that much. Now I think the idea stinks.

We've emailed a couple times. And I think if I email too often or call I would lose all of my conviction that I had from the start. BTW, he wanted this break too. So I suspect me just saying 'hey let's call off the break, or 'nevermind' now [before September] could be a really really bad idea. What do I do? And how do I handle this next month. I feel really really depressed.
Cara

valinors_sorrow · Aug 17, 2006, 12:38 PM

The backside of a break up is always hard and we are never thinking straight. You are likely focused on what you are not getting and making the hurt grow. Whatever we focus on grows -- it is so for all people. Please try to discipline yourself to tough it out. Spend time distracting yourself or, if you must focus on the relationship, use this time constructively! Begin a journal with some hard hitting questions to answer like: What worked about it, What didn't work about it, What do I think was my part in it-- good or bad, or If I could change aspects of it, what would I change and what is my part in that.

Depression is anger turned inward. Stand up, argggggghhh your angst to the sky and get going! The time spent well now will pay off in September which is very soon so get BUSY Girl!

Wildcat21 · Aug 17, 2006, 12:42 PM

Why do Women do this? Why? What a great idea!! Nope. Do you realize you may push him away and lose him?? Did you ever think of that??

I'd be totally turned off this idea.

You better get on that phone right now and say you made a mistake and go see him!! I hope to god you aren't too proud or stubborn??

You don't handlethis next month - you talke care of this now. A month for a guy is like 3 months for a gal.

Get on the phone now and call him and tell him you made a mistake. A selfish mistake.

Wildcat21 · Aug 17, 2006, 12:43 PM

AND why on earth did you come up with this bright idea?? WHy??

gal_cara · Aug 17, 2006, 12:57 PM

To alinors_sorrow: Thank you. This is good for me to print out and read. Any suggestions on how to communicate with him over the next month?

To wildcat21: Well I did exclude the finer details. He wanted the break too. His unsurity about the relationship [and his life which is a bit related] sent me in a tailspin. So I know if I call him now and tell him that I retract the idea it would be taken poorly. He thought it was a good idea to take a break. And don't take this negatively like he wants it to end. He doesn't. He just doesn't know right now and doesn't want to hurt me. I think that I was in a different place than him and some resetting would be good. Also long-distance is sooo hard for me. My insecurities in needing to hear all the right words surface so I can feel secure. I think that was my mistake. His mistake was to say some insenstive things.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 17, 2006, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by gal_cara

To alinors_sorrow: Thank you. This is good for me to print out and read. Any suggestions on how to communicate with him over the next month?

Honestly but briefly, very briefly until you get back to a face-to-face situation, okay?

gal_cara · Aug 17, 2006, 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Honestly but briefly, very briefly until you get back to a face-to-face situation, okay?

When you say briefly. Do you mean only a couple times over the next month, or brief conversations when we do have them..

Wildcat21 · Aug 17, 2006, 01:36 PM

I say call him and work it out.

Communication is king - you will feel better about it.

gal_cara · Aug 17, 2006, 01:54 PM

I'm 1000 miles away at the momet. What if he doesn't want to work it out right now?

Wildcat21 · Aug 17, 2006, 02:34 PM

Well - I think, in your situation, talking abot it would help. You will lget a lot of these answers. Call him tonight.

A lot of times guys will go along with a break...

Hey and girls end 90% of the relationships... so he may hae goe with it.

s_cianci · Aug 17, 2006, 08:08 PM

By your own admission, the break was your idea. Sometimes we make choices that we later end up regretting. At this point I'd reassess my reasons for having wanted the break in the first place. Things may shine in a clearer light now that you're somewhat removed from the situation. If, all things considered, you truly feel now that the break was for silly reasons and not worth it, then say "hey let's call off the break." If, however, after close examination the reasons for the break were sound and legitimate, then continue on and stick to the "ground rules" you decided to follow when first deciding to take the break.

YeloDasy · Aug 17, 2006, 08:36 PM

It's a hard call... sometimes we want someone back right away just because we miss them. You are going to miss him... you have to decide if the break was a mistake because you miss him or because you had valid reasons for taking the break. Wildcat, I hear you... call and let him know... yeah sounds good and all, but this isn't the movies! Haha I would want to do that too... and it would be great... but is that what a break is meant to do? It's a time to think and reflect. Make things better personally... would things be better if htye get back together right now? Not so sure... Like I said... it's a hard call!

gal_cara · Aug 18, 2006, 04:40 AM

Hi thank you for your response. Even though the break was my idea he did go along with it and we had hours of discussion about it. Great talks about us as individuals and us as a relationship. You see, I think I was inadvertently & lightly pushing the relationship to a more serious level and it scared him. When it scared him I got a bit emotional [ie: teary, ugh] and said that maybe we should take a break. [He said some things that were a bit insensitive about him moving to NY which of course took me by surprise. Even though he wasn't even planning on it he said it so matter-of-factly like yea I might go ride my bike] Anyway, I know he cares about me a lot. There's no question. He talks about things a lot without doing them and sometimes says things without thinking which we've discussed is a setback of his. During long-distance I'm very sensitive and need more assurance of commitment than usual which is a setback of mine. [the past has gotten me so now I'm a bit off kilter in terms of long-distance]

Anyway, we've spent a lot of time together [We've only been together for 6 months even though it seems a lot longer] and have become good friends and lovers. But this snafu has indeed sent things in a different trajectory and I'm afraid if I say "let's stop this break" he will not be on board. I'd also be saying this when I'm 1000 miles away and not seeing him for 4 more weeks? So that also makes it seem strange.

Looking back I didn't want a break. It was what I thought he needed. I know I miss him and I'm afraid that the break for him is going to send him floating away.

So I feel paralyzed. It's almost been two weeks without hearing eachother's voices. I've been told that when I call I shouldn't discuss anything serious until I'm back. Seems like a plan to me. But I feel the communication will be sort of fake if I act if I'm not sad at all. Just trying to understand what to do. I have 4 more weeks of suffering through this. We've emailed twice and there have been no phone calls.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 18, 2006, 05:00 AM

You've said some good stuff here. Shortly before you get back, arrange a face-to-face where you can tell him your truths like you've been practicing here. Its better then because:
1. you'll have honored the "take a break" thing which is good
2. you both had some time to think
3. its not on the phone or in an email where things can be misinterpreted
4. it is as up front and sincere as possible

In the meantime, breathe, comfort your aching heart and don't feed any of those paranoid boogymen fears. IF you talk on the phone, be realistic but make the call short -- no lengthy discussions since those need to wait until you are back face-to-face and don't seek to be comforted from him directly please, he may be going through the same thing and not in a good place to provide that to you. Let hearing his voice be enough. True love is not that easily broken and he isn't going anywhere soon. You are almost there... breathe, journal, distract, breathe, journal, etc.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2006, 05:26 AM

The unknown is scary, I feel you there. I can see where the distance plays a role in your fears as well. You have taken a stand though so stick to it. Whether you get back with him or not is not the issue but you needed a chance to be honest with yourself, and I hope that is what your doing. I can only imagine what your b/f is going through as most guys would see this as a break-up and me I would have moved on, just me. The fact you still talk though is a good sign. But beware that you have set in motion a dynamic that any guy would take as a rejection and just because he didn't break down and beg doesn't mean he wasn't hurt. Time will tell if this works in your favor... or not. I wish you luck!