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smoothy · Feb 18, 2009, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

Call me crazy but I want my husband to cheat on me because then I would know that he is not that perfect......I was my husband's first and only and he throws this in my face all the time......that there's no one else but me.....but he knows he wasnt my first and at the time when we were younger never took a guys virginity and I was happy he choose me to but now I think my experience with other guys is the problem becaus as I mentioned even though they are not better sexually than my husband I still long for them sometimes........

I dont understand this and neither does my husband he thinks that there is something wrong with him and I tell him over and over that he pleases me my mind just wonders

Then you were not ready to get married if that's how you feel. YOu should have known this before you got yourself into this mess, its even worse that you went and had a kid as well knowing this. ( I believe you did make that statement earlier).

Yeah, he takes his vows seriously like most married couples... thats why he feels hurt. You do not understand this yet.

I'm not saying married people don't soimetimes think about others... most do from time to time but they don't act out on it.

As has been mentioned before... perhaps counseling is in order. It will help you understand what you are thinking as well as to better understand what most other people think in this situation. Pehaps he isn't willing to forgive a woman that hasn't yet really grasped exactly what it was she did and why it was wrong.

Synnen · Feb 18, 2009, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

Well people dont know that this is hard for me and I want to make this right......st this time can't afford counseling and trying to do it off pure will is not enough......people are mean but it's easier to judge my life on the outside looking in......

But if they were in the situation it wouldn't be easily cut and dry.....

Sorry, honey. Maybe I'm mean, but I HAVE been in a very similar situation, and it IS that cut and dry.

Your ex is a jerk that's using you as his hooker. For free. I'd be at LEAST charging him an orgasm if you're determined that you have to be that easy.

Your husband is a good man that took his vows seriously, and expected you to, too. You have a daughter by him, and made him a promise in front of your god and the world---and yeah, he has every right to be angry and hurt with you. You're lucky he didn't take your daughter and serve you divorce papers already.

You NEED to talk to a counselor. You have extremely low self esteem, and you feel the need to have men want you and love you to feel validated as a person. That's stupid and the attitude of a 13 year old.

Many places have free counseling, or where you can pay on a sliding scale. And I bet if you told your husband that you wanted to get counseling to fix you and your marriage, the two of you could FIND the money from somewhere. If nothing else, cancel your cell phone so that your ex can't call you for a hookup--if your cell is like mine, that's at least $60 a month right there.

Most of all--Grow up, little girl. This isn't about you. It's about how YOU treat other people.

artlady · Feb 18, 2009, 08:47 AM

If he cared about you he would not more or less force you into going down on him.
That was an act of humiliation and should have been your wake -up call.He may have been intentionally crude to send you a message.

Maybe you can't get him out of your head because he dumped you.Some people would see that as a challenge and want to get back just so they can be the one to call it off.

Confused Woman · Feb 18, 2009, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Sorry, honey. Maybe I'm mean, but I HAVE been in a very similar situation, and it IS that cut and dry.

Your ex is a jerk that's using you as his hooker. For free. I'd be at LEAST charging him an orgasm if you're determined that you have to be that easy.

Your husband is a good man that took his vows seriously, and expected you to, too. You have a daughter by him, and made him a promise in front of your god and the world---and yeah, he has every right to be angry and hurt with you. You're lucky he didn't take your daughter and serve you divorce papers already.

You NEED to talk to a counselor. You have extremely low self esteem, and you feel the need to have men want you and love you to feel validated as a person. That's stupid and the attitude of a 13 year old.

Many places have free counseling, or where you can pay on a sliding scale. And I bet if you told your husband that you wanted to get counseling to fix you and your marriage, the two of you could FIND the money from somewhere. If nothing else, cancel your cell phone so that your ex can't call you for a hookup--if your cell is like mine, that's at least $60 a month right there.

Most of all--Grow up, little girl. This isn't about you. It's about how YOU treat other people.

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree... I'm not 13 years old... I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do... and I know I'm attractive I just don't feel attractive arong him... And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me...

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor... but I would love to see you in this situation... I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me...

Justwantfair · Feb 18, 2009, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....

That is wonderful news and a great start.

Everyone handles situations differently, but you have let this situation get out of control. If you want the control back in your life, handle this, cut out the ex, stop catering to a man that is using you.

Good luck to you and God bless.

smoothy · Feb 18, 2009, 09:38 AM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....

The point we are trying to stress is most married people would never let themselves get into this situation... they would distance themselves from a person who is trying to get into their pants... or even has shared a romantic past.

THe fact you actively did this... not once but repeatedly is the problem.

It has nothing to do with how good you look or not... or even how good he looks or not. Its about commitment... and the fact when YOU married your husband you were supposed to put all this behind you once and for all, not just when its convenient for you... or unless the mood strikes you.

Synnen · Feb 18, 2009, 09:55 AM

Did you not read my answer fully?

I HAVE been a situation very similar to that. I cheated on my husband, and it was a nasty situation.

I'm telling you, FROM EXPERIENCE, that you need to NEVER talk to your ex again, and get counseling to work on your relationship and your attraction to your husband.

asking · Feb 18, 2009, 09:58 AM

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

Confused Woman · Feb 18, 2009, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by asking

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

Thank your comment was honest and true and will let him go because I am ready and been ready to he just kept popping up or I kept thinking of him and driving by his house... no more of that he was not and is not want I want in a man...

Mymama · Feb 18, 2009, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by asking

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

I have the book and it's AWESOME. It helped my marriage, we didn't have this kind of problem but we have our fair share:}

chrissymarie · Feb 18, 2009, 12:41 PM

Your just silly desperate ho to him to be bluntly honest. You don't have anything under control... you don't have him right where you want him... He's got you right where he wants you. Your ex boyfriend is running games all over your a**. I bet when he goes home he tells hie WIFE he loves her! He doesn't care about you. He won't even say he loves you... DEAR LORD YOUR SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.

Try to salvage your marriage and stop cheating! You need couples counseling and workshops. Your husband cares about you. Not your ex. Why don't you see that?

asking · Feb 18, 2009, 12:44 PM

Chrissymarie,
Please don't call people names on this site.
Thanks,
asking

chrissymarie · Feb 18, 2009, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....

You need to stop using that you don't feel attractive excuse because it is a lie. In no way whatsoever does your ex make u feel attractive and wanted. He forced you to give him oral. How a=in the world would that make you feel attractive. He won't say he loves you. How does that make you feel wanted? What's the real deal?

chrissymarie · Feb 18, 2009, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Chrissymarie,
Please don't call people names on this site.
Thanks,
asking

Yes askmehelpdesk master lol

Confused Woman · Feb 18, 2009, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Your just silly desperate ho to him to be bluntly honest. you dont have anything under control... you dont have him right where you want him... He's got you right where he wants you. Your ex boyfriend is running games all over your a**. I bet when he goes home he tells hie WIFE he loves her! He doesn't care about you. He won't even say he loves you... DEAR LORD YOUR SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.

Try to salvage your marriage and stop cheating! You need couples couseling and workshops. Your husband cares about you. Not your ex. Why dont you see that?

No not desperate because I don't sleep with every man I see and if my SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS... then why is it a common issue... I see things a lot clearer now... and I won't let him use me like I once let him... even if I thought I was using him at times... I'm over trying to figure out what's in his mind... I'm over it...

chrissymarie · Feb 18, 2009, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by Confused Woman

No not desperate because I dont sleep with every man I see and if my SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS..........then why is it a common issue......I see things a lot clearer now......and I wont let him use me like I once let him.......even if I thought I was using him at times......I'm over trying to figure out whats in his mind.....I'm over it....

You are being desperate because your seeking attention outside of your relationship and constantly wondering what's on your ex's mind. Your situation is ridiculous because instead of admitting your wrong you keep trying to explain yourself and why you do what you do. There is no excuse to cheat. YOUR EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Stop secretly telling yourself otherwise. He is using you. I bet your not on his mind all day.

Confused Woman · Feb 18, 2009, 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

You are being desperate because your seeking attention outside of your relationship and constantly wondering whats on your ex's mind. Your situation is ridiculous because instead of admitting your wrong you keep trying to explain yourself and why you do what you do. There is no excuse to cheat. YOUR EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Stop secretly telling yourself otherwise. He is using you. I bet your not on his mind all day.

No I don't know why I do what I do... I don't make excuses and I agree... my EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT me. And I will Stop secretly telling myself otherwise... I was wrong there is no getting around that but I had a question and wanted it answered.

adam_89 · Feb 18, 2009, 01:01 PM

Wow. That is the most messed up thing that I have ever read on here. Things like that make some women hard to trust. Why do women want to cheat. If your husband is so great then STOP cheating on him. What is wrong with you?

Synnen · Feb 18, 2009, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by adam_89

Wow. That is the most messed up thing that I have ever read on here. Things like that make some women hard to trust. Why do women want to cheat. If your husband is so great then STOP cheating on him. What is wrong with you?

They cheat for the same reasons men cheat.

Can we please all behave ourselves? The OP is asking for help, not more condemnation and name calling.

If you can't offer constructive help, then please don't bother responding. I'll just delete your post.

adam_89 · Feb 18, 2009, 01:08 PM

I understand that completely. I just got carried away. I did offer my point of saying stop cheating, but I will leave this post alone, and you can delete this response if you would like. Thanks!