Check out some similar questions!

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:00 PM

There has been a lot of comments and posts about moving on with your life, and forgetting your ex. And its made me think or have a certain idea about the way many think on the boards regarding break-ups. But I want to put this to the test so to speak, and I ask this question out of intellectual curiosity and nothing more.

When do you think it is OK, or appropriate to take an ex back? Under what circumstances do you believe it "permissible" try again, and how do you think you would make it work. Or do you all think never is always the case?

I'm not looking for hope. I'm just curious for the sake of discussion.

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:05 PM

Don't take an ex back if they:
Cheated on you, lied to you about something life-changing/major, fought with you a lot about life-changing/major subjects (ie religion, sex, money).

Take an ex back:
If they're willing to work with you on problems, willing to be affectionate and kind. Actually, if you both trust each other, respect each other and care about each other.

neverme · Feb 15, 2009, 10:08 PM

I think we follow our heart most of the time, and sometimes our heart brings us back for another try.

I know that I have attempted to fix things with exes a few times and it has never worked. Then again, it takes a lot for me to walk away from a relationship so I most likely was more or less done at the breaking up point.

itried · Feb 15, 2009, 10:14 PM

I think it's okay to get back with an ex if you've dumped them and feel that you've made a mistake in doing so, but you'd have to work your a-- off to prove yourself to them. On the flip side, I don't think I would ever get back with an ex after they have dumped me. I just couldn't accept the fact that they tried to get someone better, couldn't do it, then came back to me. I'll never be a consolation prize for anyone.

Then again, if life circumstances don't allow for the existence of your relationship then it would be okay to get back together when the timing is right. But breaking up to find someone better and not succeeding is unacceptable in my books.

Getting back together with an abuser isn't a good idea either.

Getting back with a cheater is a bad idea as well.

Personally, I have never gotten back with an ex. I have too much pride to take someone back after they have been with someone else in the meanwhile. Maybe I'm immature, I don't know. That's just how I feel about it.

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:15 PM

By the way, is this answer suppose to be from a dumper or dumpee perspective? I guess either way it should be the same.

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:20 PM

Originally Posted by itried

On the flip side, I don't think I would ever get back with an ex after they have dumped me. I just couldn't accept the fact that they tried to get someone better, couldn't do it, then came back to me. I'll never be a consolation prize for anyone.

breaking up to find someone better and not succeeding is unacceptable in my books.

Personally, I have never gotten back with an ex. I have too much pride to take someone back after they have been with someone else in the meanwhile. Maybe I'm immature, I don't know. That's just how I feel about it.

I agree, and basically tod my ex that very thing when we got into the dating while separate thing. But to me that would fall under the area of clearly not a reason to go back. If that was their reason for doing it. But I'm really focused under what circumstances would be acceptable.

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

By the way, is this answer suppose to be from a dumper or dumpee perspective? I guess either way it should be the same.

Dumpee really. Dumpers always want to come back to a good man or woman. At 1st I was saying that in jest. But when I think about the horror stories I've heard over the years from my single and dating female friends, I actually really do believe that. There are more bad than good choices out there.

But anyway, from the Dumpee

UnluckyDucky · Feb 15, 2009, 10:30 PM

The most important factor in my opinion is the willingness of both parties to make it work and want to genuinely actually be together. Without this most basic level of desire to be with one another, its not going to work - especially if one partner is only halfheartedly interested in getting back together or wanting to get back together for the wrong reason. Some may view this as a given, but I believe it is worth pointing out.

Once a mutual desire to give it a second go has been established, each partner must be truthful with their partners and themselves and address the reason(s) why the relationship failed the first time around, and must be willing to make the changes and compromises required to build a healthy relationship from there on. It is also very important to be realistic about if both parties can live with what happened in the past but to also leave it behind.

These reasons may or may not exist anymore depending on the time elapsed. It is quite possible to meet your ex years later only to discover that you both have grown into two completely different people but still have the mutual desire to try being together again.

I'm a firm believer in that you should never take back a physically or emotionally abusive partner however... there are certain lines that should never be crossed.

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:33 PM

Originally Posted by ka1

Dumpers always want to come back to a good man or woman... There are more bad than good choices out there.

What do you define as a good man or woman? A lot of the time even if the man or woman is "good," I feel like people don't get back together just because they "weren't right" for each other.

My definition of "good" is that the man or woman treated the dumper with affection, care, devotion...

itried · Feb 15, 2009, 10:38 PM

From a dumpees perspective, I think the only circumstance that would be acceptable is if you both took the time to actually reflect on your relationship without seeing other people, sleeping with them, etc. There is really no other way for the two of you to come back to the relationship with the same amount of respect that you had when you initially met. The dumper may come back with more respect for the dumpee because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there. Meanwhile, the dumpee has less respect for the dumper because they have already been let down once by this person. This whole idea of breaking up to find someone better, or explore your options is a crock of s--t. All it really means is: I want to sleep with other people, have fun and risk the relationship for my own selfish needs, and I hope you'll take me back when I'm done with all that.

neverme · Feb 15, 2009, 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by itried

From a dumpees perspective, I think the only circumstance that would be acceptable is if you both took the time to actually reflect on your relationship without seeing other people, sleeping with them, etc. There is really no other way for the two of you to come back to the relationship with the same amount of respect that you had when you initially met. The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there. Meanwhile, the dumpee has less respect for the dumper because they have already been let down once by this person. This whole idea of breaking up to find someone better, or explore your options is a crock of s--t. All it really means is: I want to sleep with other people, have fun and risk the relationship for my own selfish needs. And I hope you'll take me back when I'm done with all that.

LOL!! :eek: What do you really think itried?

Don't hold back now! :D

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

What do you define as a good man or woman? A lot of the time even if the man or woman is "good," I feel like people don't get back together just because they "weren't right" for each other.

My definition of "good" is that the man or woman treated the dumper with affection, care, devotion...

That's where it can get a little loosie-goosie. I'm all talking about core compatibly. Which is different from a good or bad guy. I think we can all agree a bad or girl; abuse, cheating , stealing ,etc is be definitive incompatible with one with self-esteem But beyond that, I had a friend hat was dating a guy. He treated her well, better than any one else had. Which surprised me, why? She was a devote christian, and he was a member of the nation of Islam. They are incompatible on a basic level, so it would not work over the long term. He's a cool guy, if you get over the conspiracy theories. :p but this an example of what I mean. But if the compatibles and values are there, then something else is in play.

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by itried

FThe dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by ka1

That's where it can get a little loosie-goosie. I'm all talking about core compatibly. Which is different from a good or bad guy. I think we can all agree a bad or girl; abuse, cheating , stealing ,etc is be definitive incompatible with one with self-esteem But beyond that,, i had a friend hat was dating a guy. He treated her well, better than any one else had. Which surprised me, why? She was a devote christian, and he was a member of the nation of Islam. They are incompatible on a basic level, so it would not work over the long term. He's a cool guy, if you get over the conspiracy theories. :p but this an example of what I mean. But if the compatibles and values are there, then something else is in play.

Let me see if I understand what you're saying here:

We all agree on what makes a bad man or woman.
You're saying dumpers come back to people who are compatible on a core level or value.
I'm confused about your real life example about your Christian friend and Islamic boyfriend.
And I'm confused about the term "something else" did you mean attraction or... some sort of unknown bond that researchers are trying to figure out that makes people stick together in a relationship through thick and thin?

itried · Feb 15, 2009, 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

LOL!!! :eek: What do you really think itried??

Don't hold back now! :D

Hahahaha!

I've been the dumper and I've been dumped. In my experience, this is usually the case. But, maybe I did get carried away with it juuuust a little bit!

Hahahaha!

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

LOL!!! :eek: What do you really think itried??

Don't hold back now! :D

Yeah, I agree. But what that's not what they were doing. For myself, if they came back, did not sleep around or get intimate we could talk. BUT for me, if I was going to try and take to the next level of married eventually, I would need have her be willing to go counseling, AND she woulds have to admit and believe that leaving, that breaking up was a bad idea.if she cannot try an understand the unnecessary pain I was caused I could come close to four give her. Jesus I got too much alliteration in this post.

In my case I can could me finishing a few project profess ally, and she would do the same thing, and she would say "see the break was a good thing, we had to do it," at which point I would have visions in my head of things to do to her that I would never do because jail is a very, very bad place. Lol

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:57 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

Let me see if I understand what you're saying here:

We all agree on what makes a bad man or woman.
You're saying dumpers come back to people who are compatible on a core level or value.
I'm confused about your real life example about your Christian friend and Islamic boyfriend.
And I'm confused about the term "something else" did you mean attraction or... some sort of unknown bond that researchers are trying to figure out that makes people stick together in a relationship through thick and thin?

Sorry when I say bad man I mean people that cheated, abused, stole money, etc. So we are only concerned with good that treat a woman well, sweet, supportive, whatever. Those things ae nice, but you can have the m and no compatibility. My friends individually are great people. They dated for a little while, and he treat her nicely, but they were not going to be together for 5 yrs and get married, they were incompatible on really basic levels.

There are people on this board the were compatible with their ex'sm which usually means the reason for breaking was not a good. The dumper will come in a situation like, because they go out and find that its rough out there.

Kev-Cali · Feb 15, 2009, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

I would officially be qualified as a dumper. I dumped someone very "good" and now I've tried to come back but she is not accepting me at this time.
For nowI am hoping that she will accept in the future.

Quote:
The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

I'm definitely coming back with more respect, consciousness, and humbleness as well.

We'll see...

teastalk · Feb 15, 2009, 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by Kev-Cali

I would officially be qualified as a dumper. I dumped someone very "good" and now i've tried to come back but she is not accepting me at this time.
For nowI am hoping that she will accept in the future.

Quote:
The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

I'm definately coming back with more respect, consciousness, and humbleness as well.

We'll see...

How do you define her as good Kev-Cali?

ka1 · Feb 15, 2009, 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by teastalk

I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

That depends on the relationships. Break-up break done into cheating, abuse, enmotion distnace, etc. There a lot of peope that do need to break because if fundemental problems in the relationship because incompatibility. If compatibility is there and there is none of that other nonesnse, they come back. Many more want to, but refuse to admit they fcked up and stay single.

That happened to me in college. Girl left for a bad boy, got dogged out in more ways that I thought possible, but would never admit it.