[Kev-Cali]

My girlfriend and I had been a loving couple for 5 years. We had our arguments here and there like all couples but we had a genuine love, and it was amazing! Her parents loved me and we had lots of friends in common, it was perfect! We are both 29 now, I was her first love and she loved me a LOT and so did I. We ended up living together for slightly over 1 year (the last year) and then we broke up. I started figuring that since we were together for so long that I really needed to start considering whether to commit myself and to get engaged, etc. The truth is that at the time I was a bit stressed over that situation, and I also had doubts about whether she was "the one" . Thus, I was seeking perfection in her, a mistake, I always believed somewhere that there was a perfect woman out there, but now I know that it doesn't exist. So, in the last weeks of our being together felt the urge to go and explore other women, and I had some possibilities readily available so I followed my male instincts and went for it. I was sure of myself at the time and since my mind was set even before we moved out, I did see another girl, and technically cheated on my girlfriend. I never admitted it to her until recently (a year later) but I know that she already knew and she confronted me about it at the time but I lied and denied it because I didn't want to cause any upsets. The other girl of course meant nothing at all to me.
I feel like I was the one who initiated the separation (basically a divorce) , but it ended up being that we both came to a common decision that we had to move on and see what would be best for us, this is what she told me too.
Our separation/move-out went smooth , I helped her move into her new studio, and we remained friends together and still said we loved each other for a short while after. I was always the one to contact her and we went out on an occasional lunch a couple of times. But she never contacted me , I always was the one keeping in contact with her about once every 2 weeks or so. This went on for about 5 months.
Then one day, I called her and she changed her phone number! I wrote her emails but she never responded. She clearly decided to go no contact on me and in one message she actually replied to she said that "I need to move on, and if you keep on contacting me I can't move on". She also said that it feels that she's still with me because I kept on contacting her.
Truthfully, at this point I realized that I was going to lose her and I wanted her back. I know that it's messed up , big time, and that it's not fair. This is probably what I deserve, and karma is a b*%$. All I do know is that we had such a genuine love together, I always loved her, and I thought that she would to.
The more she avoided me, the more I became desperate to get her back. I always knew, and realize that she was "the one", and that we could have a beautiful life together. She agreed to meet up with me one day and I told her everything, that I love her, I told her I know I was wrong, etc. She is a very smart and strong woman and I never expected her to just say "yes, I want you too". I knew that the answer would be "no" , but I had to tell her my feelings. I also admitted to her that I did cheat on her towards the end after we knew we were moving out anyway, I thought that she would appreciate my courage in telling her the truth.
In short, when we separated I was fine, I had girls around me, had a good time, etc. She on the other hand was hurt and I broke her heart. Today, I am the one that is hurting like never before (karma) and she tells me that she is fine, but I believe that she still hurts too. She clearly has a lot of anger towards me! Asked who I thought I was to think that she would just wait around for me until I decided the time was right. She is right, but I do feel that this time was necessary for me to become sure of myself and my commitment for marriage. She says that every time she sees me she is angry and that she doesn't need that, and she's right. She tells me that she has "moved on" and that she has a boyfriend now. I must say however that , I know her so so well, I have a strong feeling that she is lying when she says this. I think that she does still love me inside, and she is upset of the fact that she is unable to move on. I think this because I even saw a tear in her eye when I expressed my feelings to her. But she is angry for sure, and does not want to talk to me or see me, she wants to move on. In the last letter I wrote her about how much I respect her and therefore I will give her the space she needs and that this is my last letter to her. I also said that I know that I hurt her and I strongly regret it, and that the only reason why I contacted her is because I know that I am a more mature and better person today and am confident that we can live happily ever after. Then I wrote , if she ever comes to realize the same thing I have (that we were meant to be) all she needs to do is let me know, in the meantime I will be waiting/hoping, and I wish her the best, respectfully.
I know that during our years together we shared amazing love, great times, and something I doubt either of us will ever experience again.
She knows that I am serious now, that I'm sure of myself and that I want to be engaged and get married, have kids, everything! I didn't get on my knees and propose because I knew that it would be a "no" at that point.
I messed up badly.I have never felt a broken heart before and have been hurting badly for the past few months. For the first time in the year that we have been separated I feel committed to my decision of leaving her alone and giving her the space she needs, and I will ( I have no choice after all). I just hope that the day will come , however long it may take for us to get back together. Does anyone think that this a possibility if we both still have love inside for each other? Will she ever reach the point of understanding what I went through and that I did see another girl that meant nothing?

[sarah16]

If she really does love you she is probably scared to show it.girls get upset easy.she might feel like since you cheated on her she feels unimportant and not respected.and she might feel like if you cheated on her once ull do it again.but I do believe that the day will come that she really misses you.dont give up and remember that girls take awhile to heal and trust again.show her your trustworthy and maybe shell see it.hope that helps.

[neverme]

She may come to realise or already know that she loves you.

But you treated her very badly, and now you think she's going to want to marry someone like you?


I think you should seriously think about moving on. I don't think she's coming back.

[Kev-Cali]

I am quite sure that she is scared and unwilling to show her love, she is strong.
In any case, I know that I have to give up even if anything could possibly happen again between us. I will move on, I have to. I will not be trying to contact her anymore (at least for a year+), not even on her b-day. I guess I just want to get an idea of what the possibilites could be, maybe...

*neverme*, the last months I admit I did treat her bad. But, she is smart enough to know that (overall) I did give her losts of love until the end. And also that the true cause for the arguments that led us to split was due to me needing to figure out what's best.

What if she believes truly that I am now over that phase in my life and ready to commit 100%?

[neverme]

Kev,


Instead of trying to make a relationship where you effed up work why don't you take the important lessons you learned and truly leave this girl alone, she has asked to repeatedly to do so.

You decided to 'follow your male instincts' so why would she think that one day again you may decide to do the same?

You've broken the trust, I do not think there is a way back from that.

[Kev-Cali]

I will definitely be leaving her alone, if not it would be disrespect.
As hard as it is , and as much as it hurts right now, I'm going to move on. Its just crazy how I feel that on one side, she wants me, and on the other side she can't right now.

But you are probably right, there is surely no way back from broken trust... I effed up.

I love her so much that I (at least) hope for the day that we could possibly become good friends.

[neverme]

I broke up with someone I love very much but we just weren't working, some days are hard some days are easier but there's always another day.

It takes a while but we'll get there!


Keep us posted and vent when you need to :)

[Kev-Cali]

1 thing doesn't make sense: It could be that we are both having a hard day and that we are both missing each other at the same time (say in 2 years from today).

Isn't there a logic behind getting back together if I am confident that I would never take her for granted again, since it would all be different if I were engaged to her with a ring.

Would she possibly consider that option ever?

[neverme]

Kev, no one other than her can tell you that but if I had to hazard a guess?

I'd say no. That's the thing about moving on, you have to let that person go completely so if you truly move on you don't want to be with them.

[Kev-Cali]

Wow, that is really hard to hear.

I think that we will both always know that our love was exceptional.

If if our paths meet in the future, say 1 or 2 years from now, and we find ourselves in a similar situation, there must be a possibility to get back together. If she sees that she never found another love like ours by then, and sees that I still feel like I want her, and will be 100% hers, wouldn't she consider it an option?

[ardahk]

Kev,

Nobody knows if you two will ever get back together - you dropped 2 huge bombshells, one which broke her heart and one which just made her more confused than ever. She must be going through so much right now I am glad you have not recontacted her because that would just make things worse.

You realised the error of your ways, but only months after - you pretty much left her to mend her broken heart that YOU broke: that pain I assure you is incredibly hard to live with especially while you guys were still talking so she did what she had to do, just like you did when you broke up.

I still love my ex, and who knows how I would react if she came back to me but truth be told, she broke my heart, thought the grass was greener on the otherside, she broke our trust and to be honest I have lost some respect for her and the way she handled the end and I am sure she feels the same.

Give her time and space but don't hold out for the best. I know its hard to hear but I just can't see her doing all of this (NC etc) and getting over you (she still loves you btw) to then come back once she feels she is sorted - for her it may seem like a step backwards and in the wrong direction.

[Kev-Cali]

Thank you for the wisdom ardahk... It is exactly the way you say it. The only thing is that I've recontacted her so many times already that I did make things worse already, I'm sure. I just had to tell her everything, and lay out the situation so that she will always remember that I have learned, changed and would be waiting for her when/if the day comes that she realizes the feels the same as me.

You are probably right however that she probably lost trust and respect in me so she would never feel the same even if she has forgiven me.

The aspect of the situation that confuses me is that I feel like while she is trying to get over me, she is trying to make me jealous by telling me lies. She told me that she's has no feelings for me, her love is gone, and that she has a boyfriend already that she's been with for almost a year already! I know this isn't true.

She agreed to meet with me for tea about 2 months ago, and I told her that in order for me to move on, I need the point to be clear and for her to tell me "there is no way in the world i would ever get back with you, ever" . She replied " I can't say that forever..." .

Then a couple weeks ago in an email, I asked again, 'if you know that you would never get back with me please tell me so that I can really move on'. Of course she doesn't reply to my emails.

She really needs her space and wants it bad, It bothers her every time I make contact, so why would she not say something hardcore I asked her to say so that she can get rid of me.

Is this her revenge? Is she trying to make me suffer to make sure I get my lesson? Perhaps she needs to know I'm hurting so that it makes it easier for HER to move on?

[lola64]

I'm sorry Kev- I hear what you're saying and I understand the emotional drama that you're going through.

I just wonder, and I know it's difficult to hear- but is it possible she's not replying to your emails as she's blocked you? In that case, she wouldn't be getting your emails, I believe.. and if that's the situation then it isn't that she is leaving the door open to answer you in the future, but it's more that she's shut the door and is trying to put it behind her.

My apologies if this is difficult, I'm going through something similar to your position right now, where I'm in your shoes: however I was the one to call it after 5 years as I didn't feel he was 'the One', but he is the one still trying to hold onto me, and I'm trying to move on.

It's hard no matter what your stance, history, and the evolution of your feelings over the course of the breakup. Sometimes it is just best to let go and move on.. you never know what's around the corner waiting for you..

Take care.

[Kev-Cali]

Thanks for the words Lola. Yes, its definitely a lot of emotional drama, it's crazy, I never knew it could be this way. But the more I think about it , I think that the entirety of the emotional drama is linked to a few other things as well such as, me turning 30 soon, worried about getting old by the time I meet someone and getting to know her all over again, questioning my career, etc. I just love her, realize that what we had was great, and I want the comfort that I had when I was with her.

I was so comfortable and sure of my decision when we broke up. It really hit me when she changed her phone number without notice. Until recently, I never had realized that I broke her heart so badly, she never showed me, she is the strong type and would never let herself look weak. I should have known. But it makes me feel so bad that I broke her heart, I want to mend it back, and I feel like it would all be good if we went back together.

I have learned so much from these forums and apparently the NC method is the best way.

Are there ever other good moves such as speaking to a couple of her best friends we have in common, and having them try to explain to her that I she should consider us getting back together? Speaking to her dad maybe? Or sending her an email with the link to this thread?

In any case, she has definitely decided to close the door and open a new one, however, I am rather sure that she did receive the emails I sent her. I probably confused her even more, poor thing.

[ardahk]

You are in a horrible position here, not knowing for me, just like it seems for you is worse than knowing. I'm the type of guy who has to have things clear cut and defined, if I don't know an answer I ask and ask again - this is the mistake I made with my ex. It pushes them further away whereas if you leave her they are more likely to come back but at the same time, come back because SHE WANTS TO, not because you are in her face practically begging her to come back to you. Surely it would mean so much more and carry so much if she was to come back after 6 months of you not having spoken to her.

You are being weak and acting desperate right now. She is strong, just like my ex, and by that she is never going to want a boyfriend who is 'desperate' to have her. It's a nice feeling when in a relationship but after you broke up with her, seeing you be like this may actually make her feel confused as well as disgusted in the way that you are grovelling to have her back - think back to how you were when you met, this I doubt is the type of person you used to be.

Age isn't an issue, remember that. It may add that emotional stress but that isn't a reason to think you will never find someone etc. Being 30 is not old in the slightest, I myself do not want to get married until I am at least 30. Take this experience as a life lesson that you have to teach yourself. This will allow you to become a better person for your next partner and more importantly for yourself. Getting past this will be hard but for her to truly think about how she feels for you and to get rid of her confusion, whether she decides she wants you or not, you need to LET GO and stop contacting her at all - do not go to her friends, BAD MOVE.

Trust me when I say she knows how you are feeling, you have said it in depth and repeated it many times - maybe she is thinking about what to do, maybe she is moving on, maybe she is being stubborn - nobody knows. But what you have to do now is just stop being there, for your own good. The love you feel for each other will not disappear (I don't believe her either when she says she doesn't have feelings for you) if you stop sending her emails. To be honest, you are setting yourself up to get hurt.. Every time you send an email you are praying for a reply but at the same time not thinking you will get one but you wait and check nonetheless and when one doesn't come you get sad and maybe a little angry - this isn't how you should be.

You made the wrong choice, you have to live with it, maybe a year down the line both of you will meet up again but for now the only thing you should think about doing is respecting her decision for space, if you can't respect that it will push her further away and make her feel that you are forcing her when she has made it clear she doesn't want to talk to you.

[talaniman]

Sorry for your loss guy, but its best to leave her, her family, and friends alone and move on to heal, and rebuild your life.

Only then can you regain your common sense, and see that you need your own life, and may not repeat the mistakes of the past.

Sorry for your loss, but life goes on, so should you.

[Kev-Cali]

Thank you, thank you all so much for the words of wisdom and advice. It really makes me feel better in these super hard times.

I know now that the right thing to do is to move on and let go of her. I can't , and will not be hoping for the best, but, who knows what can happen in the future, right?
In any case NC it shall be from now on...

Just to confirm, does NC include that I should not even write 'happy birthday' to her on her b-day next month? Just checking lol.

[kctiger]

Thank you, thank you all so much for the words of wisdom and advice. It really makes me feel better in these super hard times.

I know now that the right thing to do is to move on and let go of her. I can't , and will not be hoping for the best, but, who knows what can happen in the future, right?
In any case NC it shall be from now on...

Just to confirm, does NC include that I should not even write 'happy birthday' to her on her b-day next month? just checking lol.

YES. That is exactly what it means. She doesn't need you wishing her a Happy Birthday...

Carry on... :cool:

[angelbebee]

Kevin,

My ex boyfriend just did the same thing to me and I asked him to give me the respect and space so that I can get my feelings in order. We only had been together for 4 months, but I started developing feelings for him quickly. I caught him texting explicit things to another woman and calling her frequently. He tells me it never was physical and she didn't mean anything to him. He even texted her and told her that he had a girlfriend.. to prove it to me. She was very upset. Makes me think there is more then just text that was going on now that I have read your post. The fact that it took you almost a year to tell her was a bad thing. The trust had already been broken, at least your should have redeemed yourself with the truth even though you weren't caught. That shows guilt and remorse. I can see why it would even upset her more.

So I get an email from him last night.. blaming his behavior on his childhood problems with divorce and how he is so scared to end up like his parents. He talked to the other girl because he was always scared of losing me (no logic), and he said I was perfect and he respected me a lot and never meant to hurt me.

The thing you don't see here is that it seems you guys call all the shots with no consequence. You were selfish and if she really was the best thing in your life, you wouldn't have taken the risk of losing her and having an affair. And trust me affairs are worst because its not just a "one night" thing. All I know is my heart is broken and I feel like it was for someone that had no respect or regards for me. They thought they could have the cake and eat it too? He is begging me back, I still care for him a lot and find myself with a moment of vulnerability. But the truth is I won't take him back because a relationship is based on trust, and I don't know how or when I can ever trust him again. I FEEL EXTREMELY BETRAYED. He is still blaming others for his actions and not himself. I know I can do better so I want to move on. Till this day he is so selfish that he knows I'm trying to move on but he sends me an email to make me remember him ( this is his way of closure and seeing if I still care). I'm telling you all this so you can see what it is like to be on the other side. Deep deep deep down inside, I hope that one day.. he will grow up and I can forgive him.. and maybe.. but by then just maybe we will be together I probably have already moved on. The saying its true " If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be"

[Kev-Cali]

Thanks Angel for the giving me a perspective from the other side. It definitely makes sense! You, just like my Ex have every right and reason to feel betrayed and want to move on.

Believe your boyfriend when he tells you that she didn't mean anything to him, that was the case for me too honestly, but I had never admitted to the physical part of it as well. Its too hard to admit especially when you are trying to get back with someone that you sincerely love. I still can't confirm the quote: "Once a cheater, always a cheater", because I truly do feel that if I were to get back with my ex, I would never ever be deceitful again. I would treat her better than ever and would surely work harder to maintain a successful and happy relationship. But like you said the trust has been broken already and so she wouldn't believe me.

Might as well give an update on my situation while I'm at it...

Even though in my last post I mentioned I would go NC, (and I did NC for about 1 week) , I sent her an email the other day. I said that I had to see her to talk to her. She said NO. I really wanted to go look in her eyes and to tell her that I was sorry for being a hassle in her moving on process. I also wanted to admit to her that I am aware that I too need to move on now and let her go and heal myself rebuilding my life and that I WILL DO SO (thanks to all the advice from previous posts on this thread and friends). She really didn't want to see me, she said this has been lingering on for too long, that she doesn't owe me anything nor need to tell me anything. So I said, OK , and asked if I could write her a letter, she said YES and gave me her work address.

Then the next day I made a bad move, basically purposefully running in to her aka 'stalking' her. I hate that word. But I prefer not to talk about it. I think it made things worse but helped me out. But anyway she still told me to just send the letter.

I wrote her a 10 page letter explaining EVERYTHING: - reasons for the breakup - why I never accepted moving on - that now I will be moving on - and how I can't wait for the day where we will both hang out and laugh at all this, etc. At the end of the letter in the PS , I asked her to send me a quick message just to tell me that she got my letter.

Maybe this was another selfish move from my part to touch her heart and make her think of me. Maybe she'll tear up the letter before reading. Not sure. I feel like I owed her a full explanation for some reason. Anyway, I sent it and she should be receiving it today. For the first time I feel like I will really be moving on, that was the end.

I know things could have been a lot better already if I had let her go a long time ago but I kept on prolonging it. I came across a lot of tough obstacles in life, but this is by far the hardest. But finally and honestly it really over now. I'm taking strong actions to rebuild my life asap.