[Baffled]

We have an eight year old son, whom we adopted at age 15 months. He had health problems due to his inutero exposure, which I do not care to elaborate on. He never bonded with his caretakers up to those 15 months. He can be very pleasant, and 'people pleasing', however, he does not want to be told what to do, and acts out with his family. I cannot think of another thing to do. We have tried, time out, punishment, taking away objects (when he steals from one of our bedrooms, and this is an ongoing issue), punishment when he flings objects out of windows, or toys across the room, (and this is an on-going issue as well.)

He seems to need something that I cannot understand. He reverts to 'baby behavior and language' when punished, and then continues on with the above behavior five days later. I am concerned about conscience, and his overall development. He is not a special ed child, but has been screened for such. He is bright, but refuses to apply what I've seen him accomplish.

I truly am at wits end. Anyone with educated advice, please help.

[Bronica]

Well Your First Off Doing Very Good. Your Going Above And Beyond The Call Of Duity. But I Have 3 Kids And From Past Experience Not To Say This Is Your Answer But It Worth A Try... Don't Respond,don't Do Anything,ignore The Behaviour! If He Gets No Response The Maybe Just Maybe He Won't Do It Any More.
I Mean Why Repeat Someone If It Doesn't Bother Them ,or Pick On Them If They Don't Respond. Maybe Hes Just After Attition Of Another Kid. And If He Can't Get It Then Why Do It? Only Respond To Him When Hes Done Good. Sometimes Even Overly Praise Him At First. I Mean I Understant Hes 8 But Sometimes You've Got To Go Back To The Root To Stop It. And You Can't "beat" It Out Of Him, Though Im Sure Sometimes That Would Help You. But Even If You Spank Him You Later Feel Guilty Anyway Hugh? That's Not Helping Anyone. The Other Option Is A Squirt Bottle. Fill It W/water And Squirt Him In The Face When Hes Bad. It Doesn't Promote Physicall Punishment,and You Don't Get Overly Mad And Turn It Into A Shouting Match. Its Just No! But All Displine Aside I Don't Know The Past Hes Held, So Really Im Inclined To Say It Probley Doesn't Have Much To Do W/the Way Hes Behaving Now. Remember I Have 3 Kids {14,4&8mo} But The School In Your Area Could Help You W/a Child Counselor Free Of Charge! All You Have To Do Is Talk To The Guidance Person At The School. Good Luck

[Baffled]

Thank you so much for responding. I have found that ignoring certain behaviors, (those that seek negative attention) works well on pre-schoolers. Spraying water on a child who is exhibiting his kind of behavior would, I believe cause more anger, which would start the cycle all over again. He doesn't seem to take responsibility for any of his behavior. He just gets angry, and then blames the person who 'caught the action'. (Usually me.) He exhibits 'perfect child behavior' when around visitors.

I am really concerned. I have looked up attachment disorder syndrome, however, I have no clue how to treat a child for this. He does show several of the behaviors listed.

Thank you for caring.

[J_9]

I am curious if he may have a form of Asbergers (sp) syndrome? Have you checked this out?

[Baffled]

Thanks for asking. I have seen children with aspects of asbergers syndrome. They tend to repeat physical actions (as seen on TV), not look people in the eye when speaking (which applies to numerous problems), and are robotic in behavior.

My son has none of those features. He is quite charming with people. He seems to exhibit the behavior that those around him expect, except when certain behavior is demanded of him -- then all bets are off. I'm beginning to think that it is a psycho-social problem. It's pretty frightening.

[J_9]

I bet it is frightening. I was thinking of a form of asbergers that would be a high functioning asbergers. Some high functioners tend to hold in hostility until they are alone with family.

I am assuming he has not been in any form of therapy. This is a must, as well as possible medications.


Unfortunately it was inutero exposure coupled with "neglect" (non-bonding) until 15 months that probably has caused this. There are many children adopted from places like Russia that have these same symptoms. Most of them are male by the way. There are now therapists that deal specifically with behavior problems like this.

Have you tried changing diet at all? Sometimes removing all forms of sugar from diet can help.

[Taukame]

You might want to look at a combination of disorders. Very few people have just one disorder, and as J_9 stated, there are different levels of Aspbergers, as well as autism, depression, impulse control, etc. You should check with children's treatment facilities in your area. They have dealt with every kid problem imaginable, and can provide you with a wealth of resources as well as other parents who are in the same situation as you.

[Baffled]

J9: Thank you so much. I didn't realize that aspergers would reveal itself in this manner. No, my son is on a mostly organic diet, extremely little unnatural sugar, little or no white flour. He now has a very good appetite, but had no tolerance for food at 15 months. He actually now is focused on food, and wants to know what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner , snacks, etc. He sounds as though he has never eaten. He is slender, and growing, and is physically healthy (according to doctors), but his emotional health is driving me nuts. Thank you so much.

[Baffled]

Taukame: There is indeed an impulse control problem. I have searched (at least have logged 100 hours on the internet) trying to understand this combination. He has a warm heart with animals, (we have many), and with anyone who has a physical problem. However, he has severe problems with being told what to do. He will be sneaky, he will steal within our house, he will lie, and look at you in your eye when he does. It's a heartbreak. Thank you for responding.

[kymwm]

My son sounds very similar to yours. He has been diagnosed w/ Aspergers (high functioning) and ADHD combined type. One Dr. even said possible PDD, persuasive Developmental Disorder(also in the autism spectrum). When meeting my son, you would never know any of this was there. However, after awhile, people see some of the behaviors and feel that he has a "respect issue", or is a brat. Just like everything there are varying degrees. He is considered "mild". It took me 5 years to finally get someone to explain to me why he does the things he does.(and the school has not been much help, you can try, but don't take what they say to the bank) May I suggest a book that has been very helpful. We got it before he was officially diagnosed Asperger's, but we started to suspect that's what it was. It's called "Parenting your Asperger Child" by Alan Sohn, Ed.D, & Cathy Grayson, M.A. Good Luck.

[Baffled]

kymwm: Thank you so much for the information. I've been looking on the internet for information on Aspbergers/autism/etc. I will certainly pick up the book you recommended. This is such a frustrating situation. He doesn't seem to learn from one negative incident to the next! I was beginning to think that I'm slipping my grip. Again -- thank you.

[kymwm]

Baffled, I know just how you feel. My son is 7 & very smart, however, 5 minutes. After he gets in trouble for doing something, he goes right back & does it again. He says "I forgot" yet he cam tell you what room number we stayed at in a hotel over a year ago. FRUSTRATING!! If you ask what he should do in a situation, he'll tell you. But when in that same situation, he won't remember to do what he just told you. The thing w/ Asperger's is that each child is so different from the next, that everything seems to be trial & error. You can describe them in a nut shell, but the actual behaviors & degree of each will vary considerably. Also, look to see if you have a "Wrap Around" program near you, it will be very helpful. I'll help you in any way I can, but I am also still fairly new to the Asperger's thing (since January). We have been getting services for my son thought since he was 3, so that I am very knowledgeable about.

[Baffled]

Kymwn: I truly understand the frustration. At first I thought he was just 'stubbornly misbehaving'. But to do the same thing that you just got in trouble for -again -UGH. My son did have early intervention as well, but then everyone decided that he was 'all caught up'. This is coming as a shock, but at least there is an answer. I've never spoken to anyone with these difficulties before, and usually don't talk about it. But I was at the edge yesterday. Thank you.

[s_cianci]

Speak with his pediatrician about his health problems due to his inutero exposure. These are no doubt affecting his behavior. You may not want to elaborate on the circumstances here and that's OK but you do need to talk with a professional about them. It sounds like he may have possibly been a "crack baby." A physician can advise you as to testing and treatment options.

[Baffled]

S cianci: In the beginning, when he was involved with early intervention, I did do some research on that possibility, however, opinions are split on outcomes and options. I don't really know if that is the answer. Thank you for helping.

[Baffled]

Kymwm: I purchased the book that you recommended, and when I began to read, the various types of behavior -- for a minute I thought they must be talking about my son! There is so much correlation between what I have been reading, and what we've been experiencing. If I find any other sources of information, I will be happy to share them with you. You've helped me more than you know. Thank you so much.

[J_9]

Baffled:

I personally know a woman who has a gifted daughter, an autistic son, and a son with aspergers. She is extremely knowledgeable and willing to teach everyone with aspergers children what she has learned. If you would like I can get in touch with her and find out how you two can "communicate." She has an autism/aspergers website, of which I cannot remember the URL at the moment, but I can get it for you if you would like.

[kymwm]

Baffled, That's how I felt when I started reading it too. I felt like Finally, this is what I have been trying to explain for years, but no one was making the connection. It seemed like they were writing about my son. That book has taken a lot of stess off my shouldes. Not because it solved everything for us, but because after 5 years I felt like I finally had the "true" answer as to what was going on. Now I feel that I know, so I can learn & that should help me be better able to deal with & teach my son. Keep me posted.

Also, J-9, I would love to know about this women also.

[spazzygirl]

We have an eight year old son, whom we adopted at age 15 months. He had health problems due to his inutero exposure, which I do not care to elaborate on. He never bonded with his caretakers up to those 15 months. He can be very pleasant, and 'people pleasing', however, he does not want to be told what to do, and acts out with his family. I cannot think of another thing to do. We have tried, time out, punishment, taking away objects (when he steals from one of our bedrooms, and this is an ongoing issue), punishment when he flings objects out of windows, or toys across the room, (and this is an on-going issue as well.)

He seems to need something that I cannot understand. He reverts to 'baby behavior and language' when punished, and then continues on with the above behavior five days later. I am concerned about conscience, and his overall development. He is not a special ed child, but has been screened for such. He is bright, but refuses to apply what I've seen him accomplish.

I truly am at wits end. Anyone with educated advice, please help.

I have an adopted daughter who does all of the above, but she is 15