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Summer Cullen · Feb 13, 2009, 01:31 AM

Been married 21 years. In the first six months, he began cheating. Over the years, I forgave him each time. He always told me about the affairs. Six affairs later by our 15 year anniversary; I was tired of it. I had paid an attorney, I intended to file for a divorce. I had several affairs in a short amount of time while we were separated. They did not make me feel better though, because I know it was wrong. I moved out, etc.. He begged me to come back. He was sorry, and God helped him change. Well, I went back. But something is different with me. I don't feel the same passion I did all those years. I don't understand, will it ever come back? Six years have gone by and I do believe he is faithful now. But is it too late? He has also drank all this time. I left him in Jan. last year for a few days because he came into my office drunk, and behaved badly in front of everyone. Anyway, I forgave him & went back. He has not done that again either. Our son (only child) is getting ready to transfer to an University for four years. I don't know, I love my husband, but it is not the same as it use to be. I miss that. Any thoughts, etc.?

Jake2008 · Feb 13, 2009, 03:37 AM

There are some that would say you should have left him years ago, and others will say that you need to kick him out now.

You are an exception rather than the rule, in working to forgive and keep your marriage going; love must be there, its just taken a vacation.

I'm sure you realize too that sometimes the good has to be factored in with the bad. Is he a good father, a kind and responsible husband (not perfect, but generally speaking), is he a good natured friend to others, helpful and considerate. Bad parts aside, can you count on him to be there for you emotionally when you need to talk, is he your partner through financial trouble, does he treat you with respect, and your family with respect. Are you comfortable together, and enjoy eachother's company.

I'd say that marriage is an ever changing relationship. As years pass, people change, expectations change, we do crazy things that seem right at the time, for all the wrong reasons.

Your husband seems to learn from his mistakes, as you said in the latter part of your post. It may very well be worth the effort to go to a marriage counsellor, and express your lingering doubts as to his sincerity, and the fact that you love him, but after all that has happened, you feel differently toward him. That alone could be a defensive move on your part so you are prepared for a possible new 'relapse'. Easy to understand why you don't trust him 100 percent.

Get your concerns out, including the drinking. The more insight he can gain from how his behaviour has affected your feelings toward him, the more likely the changes are going to be permanent. He needs to understand that what has happened, has had consequences, and you are not yet there to say, I unconditionally love you.

As you say, you still love him, but the love has changed. That it is different now, does not mean that it can't be good, and healthy, again.

Don't be afraid if he is unwilling to go to counselling, to go yourself. A skilled counsellor can help you get a good perspective on the meaning of what is going on now, and which direction you need to go to enjoy your future without all the doubt.

I hope you don't give up without first exhausting all available options, and I sincerely hope it works out for you. I've been married 33 years, and I understand what you're talking about.

Sincerely wishing you the best.

Summer Cullen · Feb 13, 2009, 07:38 AM

Thank you for your post. Amazingly, you are so right. He is a wonderful husband and father. He is responsible and kind. Our marriage is just in a different phase. I love him and believe in him. Thank you for your response. It helps to have someone to talk to. I think I just needed to hear someone say it's okay to stay with him, and remind me of how wonderful he really is.

Jake2008 · Feb 13, 2009, 12:16 PM

Good! I'm glad you feel better.

Where there is love, there is hope, and we sometimes tend to overlook the good qualities in a person when they mess up, and see only the negative.

I know I do that. When mine screws up, all I can think of is ALL the mistakes he's made, and why didn't he learn the last time! But, when you invest so many years in a relationship, there is a sort of point that you return to, before the trouble. Then, because there is such a good, solid foundation, you are better able to cope, and figure out a way to keep going and repair the damage.

So many, in my humble opinion, don't do the work to create the foundation in the first place, so there is nothing to fall back on, and no point to work from.

So, in many regards, despite the problems and setbacks, you can draw from a mostly good history, and that is an advantage in your favour for sure.

Best of luck to you both.

artlady · Feb 13, 2009, 12:21 PM

I think love is like a rock in the beginning but if you continue to chip away and chip away with pain and infidelity pretty soon that rock is just a pebble and the foundation that once held you together is no longer there.

Jake2008 · Feb 13, 2009, 12:32 PM

I agree with that too Artlady. Not all relationships can change enough to overcome the problems.

Summer is one of the ones that has a lot more staying power than most. Despite the negatives, there are more positives. And, they still love each other after all they've been through; enough to make it keep working, and to work through it to get past it.

I've known just about everybody I grew up with who are on their second and third marriages, and none of the women say they've ever done anything wrong. I always find that curious. And if they did get caught red handed in bed with another man, they justified it by blaming their husband.

But, if there is nothing left, there is nothing left, and it's not up to me to judge anybody.

It's just nice to see how much people can do to repair damage, and come out the other end stronger than when they went in.

artlady · Feb 13, 2009, 01:20 PM

Oh my :rolleyes: I did not mean*love glove *the way it sounded... yikes.I have to get some lunch,I think my low blood sugar is affecting my brain :o

Summer Cullen · Feb 14, 2009, 06:43 AM

Thanks to both! It is great to hear your thoughts. I am not here to bash my husband, just curiously looking for some answers. We all have our problems. Thanks again!

talaniman · Feb 14, 2009, 10:17 AM

Life changing events require adjustments. Whether your married or not.

It sounds like you are making adjustments, both of you. That's a good sign.

DoulaLC · Feb 14, 2009, 03:29 PM

Only you can decide whether it is too late. Since you love each other, do all that you can as a couple to rebuild the trust and love. You simply won't go back to how it was... you have both changed, as has your relationship, but you can work towards having a love filled marriage.
Some couples are able to find it within themselves and work towards that common goal... others decide that while they may love each other, it doesn't make them the best partners for the sort of marriage they long to have. It truly has to come from both of you... one can not do it alone.

verbattered52 · Feb 14, 2009, 06:00 PM

There is an invisable line and he has crossed it. Once you have taken so much, love dies and you cannot get it back. I feel like I am just about there myself.