[timbob84]

Hello all,

This is my first post here and I need a little bit of advice from you all. I recently met a girl on an online dating site, and we had spoken quite a lot a week or so before first meeting. We seemed to get along great. However, when we met in person, she was not exactly what I was expecting (physically). How can I go about dumping her without hurting her feelings?

Thank you.

[Skell]

Firstly this should teach you a lesson about online relationship. They are fraught with dangers and ptifalls.

Secondly, what do you mean dump her. Are you in an exclusive relationship? I find this hard to believe considering you have only seen her once.

It shouldn't really be a matter of dumping her. She can't really claim to be your girlfriend as yet can she? You have met once!!
But if you want to make it clear to her that you don't want to pursue things further but alos don't want to hurt her feelings then don't mention her appearance.

How old are you? I'm thinking you are young?

You could simply say that you enjoy chatting to her online and think she is a nice person but right now you don't want to pursue things any furthers as a far as a relationship goes.

It is important that you don't lead her on however. That would be cruell and would hurt her feelings.

Just back off a little. Chat to her a little less. Don't completely ignore her but maybe you can hint in a subtle way that you don't really want anything as far as a relationship goes right now.

That's all I can suggest but I think you should go and meet 'real' people. Forget the net for looking for a girlfriend in my opinion. Too many pitfalls.

[maria26]

OK... I know the feeling, they say one thing and turn out different. First make it a rule to ask for a pic. Right up front, if they have nothing to hide there shouldn't be a problem... second if you like what you see don't get your hopes up because 90% of the time they still look different in person because its your first encounter and its always a shocker for some reason (or energy might not flow with yours). You've had one date... some put too much into this so if you don't like her don't lead her on. Be up front, say it was great meeting her and everything but she's just not what your looking for. It may hurt her, but better than leading a person on. After the first two... the rest should be easier to break. Sometimes its not about the conversations and more about chemistry, tell them that before you meet them... its a nice way to make a get away if you need to when you do meet. Hopefully I have helped in some way. And don't give up... one of the most intriguing person I have ever meet has been through online, so you never know who might enter your life and be open to anything or else you won't enjoy the process of dating and meeting people online. Good Luck to you!

[talaniman]

Hello all,

This is my first post here and I need a little bit of advice from you all. I recently met a girl on an online dating site, and we had spoken quite a lot a week or so before first meeting. We seemed to get along great. However, when we met in person, she was not exactly what I was expecting (physically). How can I go about dumping her without hurting her feelings?

Thank you.

I think it's a bit shallow to judge on appearances only when everything conversation wise was going good. A picture up front is a good idea, but your imagination can fool you even then. There is no way to dump someone and spare their feelings so be honest but gentle. How would you feel if on the first meeting She was disappointed at you physically? Hope you learned something with this experience.

[timbob84]

Hey guys, actually I'm 22. I figured I would give the online dating scene a try, as many of my friends have had some success, and I myself met a girl that I had a great relationship with online. It's odd, I did get a picture, but none of the pictures had shown her body, so that's really where the problem lies. I know its shallow, but if I'm not attacted to her physically, then how can I continue to see her? I know we only had gone out one time, I just feel a little bad because we had talked so much before and seemed to have really good chemistry, so I don't think she will be expecting it..

[Wildcat21]

Hey - on-line dating isn't bad - you just have to be careful - it's a numbers game just like regular dating.

If you play it right, it's safer than meeting someone in a bar. Ask a lot of questions

People will lie in all sorts of situations. Buyer be ware. Actually I believe men lie a lot more on-line - married, age, intentions, looks etc.

You just happened to hook up with a liar - not all women lie on-line.

There is no dumping here - I would just not call again or respond to e-mails... she should know why. Hopefully she learns from it. You haven't even dated -there is no dumping.

[colbtech]

I think its a bit shallow to judge on appearances only when everything conversation wise was going good. A picture up front is a good idea, but your imagination can fool you even then. There is no way to dump someone and spare their feelings so be honest but gentle. How would you feel if on the first meeting She was disappointed at you physically? Hope you learned something with this experience.

Totally agree, SHALLOW! Not good man, how would you like it if she dumped you for not coming up to standards! I reckon you would be pretty p*ssed at her attitude then! Wouldn't we all like a supermodel on our arms? Life isn't like that.

Both of my wives (looking for the 3rd sucker, oops! Lucky lady I mean:) have been good looking (some would say far to good looking for an old so-and-so like me). Each have had their own attributes. The first one had a large chest, that's the hook. But when I really get to know her that was a very minor point in her favour. Great cook, great mother, always willing to help, hard worker.

The second one was tall, lean and 10 years younger (yes that's the shallow part of me). No longer with her nowadays.

They would both agree that relationships built on looks and sex rarely last. It's really what's underneath that counts!

Give the girl (and yourself) another chance and never tell her how close you came to dumping her... she may be the one! Don't blow it.

[s_cianci]

What exactly did you "expect" physically? Understand that beauty is only skin-deep. I'm not saying that it isn't important to be physically attracted to someone but one doesn't have to make the cover of Glamour magazine to be considered attractive. People change over time and the most drastic changes that occur are appearances. Today's doll is often tomorrow's frump and vice-versa. Since you seemed to get along so well with her while chatting online and going so far as to meet in person you might want to reconsider just totally scratching her off the list right away. However, as for "dumping" her, you only met once so obviously there's no commitment or promises on either side and you're certainly not obligated to keep on seeing her. Just break off all contact with her, including e-mails, online chats, texting, telephone, etc. She may "get the hint" and that'll be the end of it. If she does try to contact you, don't respond if at all possible. Don't return any e-mails, screen your calls, if she IM's you or contacts you in a chat room, log off without saying anything. I know all of this sounds kind of rude but your only alternative is to tell her outright and, as you said, hurt her feelings which you don't want to do either. The only other thing would be to make up an excuse, such as "I'm getting back together with my old girlfriend." However, I really don't want to encourage you to tell her a lie, either.

[Wildcat21]

Great answer

[Skell]

OK...i know the feeling, they say one thing and turn out different. First make it a rule to ask for a pic. right up front, if they have nothing to hide there shouldnt be a problem...second if you like what you see dont get your hopes up because 90% of the time they still look different in person because its your first encounter and its always a shocker for some reason (or energy might not flow with yours). Youve had one date...some put too much into this so if you dont like her dont lead her on. Be up front, say it was great meeting her and everything but shes just not what your looking for. It may hurt her, but better than leading a person on. After the first two...the rest should be easier to break. Sometimes its not about the conversations and more about chemistry, tell them that before you meet them...its a nice way to make a get away if you need to when you do meet. Hopefully i have helped in some way. And dont give up...one of the most intriguing person i have ever meet has been through online, so you never know who might enter your life and be open to anything or else you wont enjoy the process of dating and meeting people online. Good Luck to you!

Maria I didn't say that all relationships aren't fraught with pitfalls and dangers. Of course they are. But have seen it time and again where online relationships fail.
The suggestion of getting a pic doesn't necessarily work. People can lie quite easily on the net. This poster got a pic and he was still dissapointed.

I am just of the opinion that to really know someone you must look them in the eye when talking to them and asking them a question. Not a word processor on your computer screen. You need to talk to someone. Not type!!

Yes it is a great place to meet intriguing people (such as here at AMHD) but it is no way to really get to know someone that perhaps you will one day want to share your feelings with.

So I agree it is a great way to perhaps meet people but one can't expect to start a relationship online. That must be done through person to person contact!

[maria26]

"so i agree it is a great way to perhaps meet people but one can't expect to start a relationship online. that must be done through person to person contact!" agree with you skell.
But most people use it just to meet someone and than they meet in person to try to get to know each other better. But I do agree with you, it is not suppose to be the only form of communication in any relationship.