[triste]

I have two children - a 22 year old son and a 20 year old daughter. They were very close growing up. My son is now a married law student and my daughter is a sophomore in college. She has tried for years to contact him via email, phone, text, Facebook, etc. but he rarely responds. His wife is more the self-centered type and makes no effort at all (despite our many attempts) to include or contact his famiy.

I realize that I can not force my son to contact my daughter, but she loves him so much. He stopped in to see her at her college when he was in the area (after I mentioned it to his mother-in-law) for two minutes with his wife then told my daughter they were going out to dinner but did not invite her. My daughter sent him an email explaining her hurt feelings but letting him know that he needs to contribute to the relationship to a larger degree or she can not continue. I do not like the fact that she gave an ultimatum - I believe if she had cooled down and approached it by writing an informative email about her life and letting him know that she wants to be part of the family with him and his wife, that she might have elicited a response from him.

Do let my son know in a nonconfrontational way how much his sister loves and admires him and that she would love to be included in his life and share in his accomplishments? Or should I just sit back and pray that they become closer one day soon? Is this typical behavior for twenty-something year old siblings?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

I think it could be typical in ways... I live 300 miles from my sister. She comes to visit friends in a town 15 miles from me and doesn't come to see me... But when we meet up to have a visit, it's fun, like hanging out with my best friend.

How long has this been going on? I think its partly typical but I think the wife might be playing a role in it. But he needs to stand up and put his foot down, and make time for his family.

Just because she wrote that email, doesn't mean that she can't write another email telling him of her life and that she misses him.

[triste]

Thank you for your kind reply. I hesitate to let my daughter know right now that she can write another email at this time because she is so very, very angry at her brother. I know that he loves her but I think that he does not know how to treat her as a young adult and feels awkward with this.

The situation with his wife is an area entirely beyond any of our influence. I have called her, sent gifts and cards on occasion, and she still will never respond. She can not separate from her own mother whom she sees almost every weekend; her marriage to my son is not typical of newlyweds.

Do you think I should write some type of newsy email to my son mentioning his sister's trip to Canada and then letting him know in a kind way that she would appreciate some contact from him as she wants to be part of his and his wife's life? I am really concerned that they will never speak or see each other again.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

I think that email sounds like a great idea. I'm sorry I'm not more a help, there are people that are far better in this realm than I, I'm sure they will arrive shortly.

[DSMom]

I think that the e-mail your daughter sent was OK for her to write. She is stating her feelings. It may sound harsh at first, but maybe this will sink inter her brothers head. I agree that she can always write another e-mail. No biggie.

I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. Was your son's wife this way when they were only dating? I am not trying to sound mean or harsh, but who is she to come between family when she herself cannot give up her own? She sounds like a terribly selfish "my way or the highway" type person... ugh.
Maybe the siblings could even come up with a schedule to do things together. I know it may sound funny, but maybe they could meet for lunch twice a month or something like that so that they know they will have some brother/sister time.
I have been away from my entire family for 10 years now, (not because of a man, because of the military) and I hate it. We are all very close. I could not imagine having someone in my life that made it impossible to spend time with them.
I may not have been much of a help, but I hope I did at least a little.
I hope that you can find some sort of resolution to this!! Family is SO very important!

[ZoeMarie]

Is there any reason you couldn't invite your daughter, your son and daughter-in-law over and give them a chance to catch up? It would be a good idea to do something like that too, because that way you're not really saying "talk to your sister" to your son, but you're giving him that opportunity. It sounds like something isn't right with his wife, maybe she's jealous of the bond that your children have.

[triste]

Thank you DSMom. Your suggestions are wise, but at this time my son does not think that he has time for his younger sister. I suspect he is immersed in law school and marriage and still thinks of her as his younger sister from years ago. I advised my daughter to send him infrequent emails with news of her adult life - it seemed to work to a very small degree, as he did call her once and gave her some nice Christmas gifts.

Re my daughter-in-law - yes, she seems to have always been this way, as if she just wants her old life plus my son as her husband dropped in. I have not and will not give up because I love my son. Perhaps at an appropriate future moment I can talk to her one on one and explain once again that she is family to us. I have welcomed her wholeheartedly from the beginning.

I am hoping that my daughter cools down and will attend my son's court competition this weekend with me. She had indicated weeks ago that she wanted to do so, but today told me it depends on if he answers her email. I am concerned that he either did not read it or has reacted like a typical male who does not want to deal with the emotional side of relationships.

Do you think that this behavior is typical of a young man in his twenties?

[triste]

ZoeMarie: We live 1500 miles apart. When I have visited in the past, I have always asked for my daughter in law to join us with my son. Sometimes she has and we have had an okay time. I like your suggestion - I just called her and left a message that I would be in this weekend and would love to see her if she is free. As usual, no response.

I think that my daughter would like to have a little time alone with her brother just to feel valued. Would it be wiser to just let the situation alone for now or to write an nice email to her brother before I see him this weekend?

[DSMom]

I think that the fact that your son is so serious about his studies is a good thing. I can inderstand that he thinks of yout daughter still as his kid sister, heck, I think of my younger siblings the same way even though they are grown.
Maybe he is having a hard time balancing everything he has going on at this time. I don't think he is intentionally leaving her out. Maybe he is just all wrapped up in school, his new marriage etc...
I applaud you for excepting your daughter in law so welcomely. It is unfortunate that she act so selfishly! I would not give up either.
At this present time, it may be better to just lay low for a while. Let things go for a bit and see where they go... do not give up or dismiss it totally... just don't beat a dead horse if you know what I mean. I would hate for this to become such a focus that it ends up pushing your son away...
Keep your patience as much as you can and good luck! :)

[triste]

DSMom, I will try to take your advice on laying low. Sometimes it is difficult. I guess that I can not assume that their relationship is over, especially since they are just in their early twenties. If you say prayers at all, I would appreciate one for their healing. Thanks again.

[triste]

Has anyone else observed or been part of this situation in their twenties?