[dimonthecoast]

Now it sounds like you want to play games.. .

Relationships are only as complicated as you allow them to become. For many of my past relationships, things were always complicated and chaotic. In the end, the guy would break up with me and I would struggle with myself worth. Then one day I figured I couldn't continue to be a "victim." What was it in me (flaw/need, etc) that attracted guys who were not good for me? I always saw "red flags" but felt that I would give them a chance instead of going with my first instinct. I took some time off from dating, did a lot of self evaluation, reconnected to God and many things changed. I no longer felt needy or desperate because I was truly happy with myself. I had interests and things that occupied my time and when I was alone, I reconnected with my love for reading. It was during that time, that I met an amazing man. There were NO red flags and it things were easy, not perfect, but easy.

You want the good relationship, but you have to be willing to do the groundwork first. Take a page from my book and do it now while you are young. Trust me, you will thank me later.

Jo

P. S. You are never more alone than when you are with the wrong person.

[xMaverickx]

Now it sounds like you want to play games . . .

Relationships are only as complicated as you allow them to become. For many of my past relationships, things were always complicated and chaotic. In the end, the guy would break up with me and I would struggle with my self worth. Then one day I figured I couldn't continue to be a "victim." What was it in me (flaw/need, etc) that attracted guys who were not good for me? I always saw "red flags" but felt that I would give them a chance instead of going with my first instinct. I took some time off from dating, did a lot of self evaluation, reconnected to God and many things changed. I no longer felt needy or desperate because I was truly happy with myself. I had interests and things that occupied my time and when I was alone, I reconnected with my love for reading. It was during that time, that I met an amazing man. There were NO red flags and it things were easy, not perfect, but easy.

You want the good relationship, but you have to be willing to do the groundwork first. Take a page from my book and do it now while you are young. Trust me, you will thank me later.

Jo

P. S. You are never more alone than when you are with the wrong person.

Now your reading my mind lol. I didn't realize until you just said it, in a sense, I am playing games. Wow, your so so right. I have got to establish myself. Over the last couple weeks I have done a lot of self evaluation and I have noticed a lot of improvements. Im happier a lot more, I have more energy and Im motivated when it comes to my studies. By the way Im 19 years old. And to be honest, my "gut feeling" has been telling me that we are not right for each other and it won't work out. Funny how things always turn out. And For once in my life, things are clear now. I know exactly what I have to do, thank you for your help.

[dimonthecoast]

I'm glad I was able to help. Your gut will never steer you wrong, even if it's something you don't want to do.. .

At 19 you will date a lot of girls before you meet the "one" (and you are both ready for eachother). Don't put so much pressure on yourself or them. Enjoy this time of your life and know that life is about the journey, and not the destination.

I was glad to hear that you want your focus to be school and getting established.

Contact me anytime!

[xMaverickx]

I'm glad I was able to help. Your gut will never steer you wrong, even if it's something you don't want to do . . .

At 19 you will date a lot of girls before you meet the "one" (and you are both ready for eachother). Don't put so much pressure on yourself or them. Enjoy this time of your life and know that life is about the journey, and not the destination.

I was glad to hear that you want your focus to be school and getting established.

Contact me anytime!

Hey I just wanted to give you an update on what is happening. You and everyone else were a 100% right and "my gut feeling" was correct as well lol. Last week was her spring break and we had planned on getting together. She went back up to school last Sunday. I text her a week ago last Tuesday telling her to give me a call when she was free so we could hang out. So I waited and waited and never got a call from her and before I knew it she was already back in Tallahassee. She never even text, called, or even said goodbye before she left. I never saw her. I was hurt, but then something came over me and I was just like screw it, Im not going to care about someone who doesn't care about me. So... I guess that's it then.

[dimonthecoast]

I'm sorry that you were hurt, but don't hold hate or resentment in your heart. That seed grows into a really ugly plant that's difficult to uproot later. Try to forgive her and let it go. No, you do NOT have to tell her that. Just don't contact her in anyway. She'll eventually contact you and make light of the fact that you two "lost touch." Tell her you're sorry too, but you've moved on. Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to have that kind of control over your life. The only person you can change or have any "control" over is yourself. This is a good (although painful) learning experience. It can help you grow and mature, or it can keep you emotionally stunted. Once you do forgive and let it go, I promise you, you will feel a "release" in your spirit that was keeping you locked up. There is an attractiveness to someone who walks in freedom.

P. S. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy

[xMaverickx]

I'm sorry that you were hurt, but don't hold hate or resentment in your heart. That seed grows into a really ugly plant that's difficult to uproot later. Try to forgive her and let it go. No, you do NOT have to tell her that. Just don't contact her in anyway. She'll eventually contact you and make light of the fact that you two "lost touch." Tell her you're sorry too, but you've moved on. Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to have that kind of control over your life. The only person you can change or have any "control" over is yourself. This is a good (although painful) learning experience. It can help you grow and mature, or it can keep you emotionally stunted. Once you do forgive and let it go, I promise you, you will feel a "release" in your spirit that was keeping you locked up. There is an attractiveness to someone who walks in freedom.

P. S. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy

I don't hold any resentment towards her, I understand why she did what she did. I knew from the beginning that she was a little worried about seeing me because of the stuff I put on her. The one thing that upset me the most was the fact that she didn't even have the common courtesy to say she didn't want to hang out or anything of that nature. She straight up ignored me all together, which I think is rude. And I was not planning on contacting her in anyway, although it is hard because I think about her a lot. You said she will eventually contact me, part of me doesn't believe that and another part of me could care less if she ever did call me again and another part of me hopes this is true but I have moved on and I'm now living my life here where I am and not trying to live it with someone far away.

[dimonthecoast]

She didn't contact you most probably because she wasn't mature enough to be honest, so she avoided. Don't take it too personally - it happens a lot at ALL ages. But now you know that if you're ever in her position and don't want to hang out with someone, you know to be honest (be kind).

Yes, I believe she will eventually contact you. Don't you want to be WAY over her and WAY down the road when that happens? You two may even one day end up good friends and laughing about this. Time is the only cure for heartache. Don't let someone talk you into another relationship too soon. I've met many men who are on their 4th marriages because they go from one chick to another and they've done that their whole lives. It's pretty sad.

I am heartened to see the change and growth in you in this very short time frame.


All the best

[xMaverickx]

She didn't contact you most probably because she wasn't mature enough to be honest, so she avoided. Don't take it too personally - it happens alot at ALL ages. But now you know that if you're ever in her position and don't want to hang out with someone, you know to be honest (be kind).

Yes, I believe she will eventually contact you. Don't you want to be WAY over her and WAY down the road when that happens? You two may even one day end up good friends and laughing about this. Time is the only cure for heartache. Don't let someone talk you into another relationship too soon. I've met many men who are on their 4th marriages because they go from one chick to another and they've done that their whole lives. It's pretty sad.

I am heartened to see the change and growth in you in this very short time frame.


All the best

Ya I would have too once again agree with you. I hope one day we can became friends because I know deep down she is a good person. But, anyway its not about her anymore and I got to live my life. But, if anything thing happens, I will keep you updated.

[xMaverickx]

She didn't contact you most probably because she wasn't mature enough to be honest, so she avoided. Don't take it too personally - it happens alot at ALL ages. But now you know that if you're ever in her position and don't want to hang out with someone, you know to be honest (be kind).

Yes, I believe she will eventually contact you. Don't you want to be WAY over her and WAY down the road when that happens? You two may even one day end up good friends and laughing about this. Time is the only cure for heartache. Don't let someone talk you into another relationship too soon. I've met many men who are on their 4th marriages because they go from one chick to another and they've done that their whole lives. It's pretty sad.

I am heartened to see the change and growth in you in this very short time frame.


All the best

Ok so she contacted me the other day via Facebook. I will admit I was a little surprised to hear from her. She basically wanted to tell me that she thought it wouldn't be a good idea to see me over spring break, I agreed. And we both came to an agreement that it was best for both of us to not see each other. We had two conversations and it went very smoothly, like nothing ever happened. I have been seeing a Psychologist lately (past two months) and I told her about how I am doing and how I am making vast improvements in my life. She was extremely happy to hear everything and I was also really happy to hear that she is doing fine as well. We are both still single, but not looking for anything (spoke to her friend about that). And I have to admit, I want her in my life, now what?

[dimonthecoast]

Okay, you "both came to an agreement . . . that it was best not to see eachother." So good so far. Yet you want her in your life. You know what I think this is a case of? You want what you can't have. Don't feel bad, that happens with all people in all age groups. Maturity comes when you recognize it. True love respects the individual person and places the good of that person above all else. You've both agreed that the greater good is to not be in eachother's lives (You're seeing a professional to help you along the way, good also, but I don't know that I would have shared that with her.) I know it's hard to separate feelings and emotions from what's best. You two had a good conversation and it left you feeling really good. Feeling really good is something that tends to open that "dream door." You dream about being with her, moving from where you are into a closer relationship and etc, etc, etc. Those dreams also make you feel really good, which propels that fantasy of the two of you being together. Dreams are good in that they give you something to reach for, however THIS dream is not a good thing. There are clearly issues you both need to overcome and you cannot do it honestly if your goal is to "obtain" her. Can you "have her in your life" as a friend only if she's seeing someone else? If the answer is no, then you need to re-evaluate your what your real goals are.

Then I have to ask, if it wasn't a good idea to see you over spring break, why didn't she just be honest with you? I can also give you a pretty good guess as to why she's contacted you now (and remember I predicted it because I know how women think). She hadn't heard from you and wondered if you had gone on with YOUR life (ie another gal). In other words, "she wanted what she couldn't have." Now that doesn't necessarily mean that she would have chased you if you had a girlfriend, but one wonders if she would have stepped up her contact. Do you remember when I told you that you're more attractive when someone else is interested in you? Of course, that would be playing games and that certainly wouldn't help you grow. So please don't use that to manipulate the situation.

My advice? Let her do the contacting. Keep your responses light, nothing heavy. If she asks about your sessions, tell her things are going well, but you'd prefer not to talk about it (that is very personal and I don't know that you should put it on face book for her or anyone else to use against you later.) Chat about school and classes, BUT NOTHING HEAVY!! You two are so very young - you BOTH will have many people in your lives over the years and don't you want to meet and date many girls in your life so you will know the "One" when you meet her? I promise you, there WILL be many others - patience grasshopper.

Let me know when you're ready to hear about what the "One" will do and be in your life.

Jo

[xMaverickx]

Yea that's very interesting on what you have to say. I found out the only reason she contacted me is because I asked her/my friend why she didn't contact me over spring break and her friend ended up telling her to talk to me about it. And regarding the whole psychologist situation, she has known about this since I first started so I didn't bring it up for the first time. Honestly, I don't why she didn't just contact me over spring break, I think she was immature and wanted to take the easy way out so it wouldn't stress her out. That is a very common thing today so it isn't a big deal. As for the conversations, she has been doing the contacting and I have kept it very light, nothing heavy what-so-ever. I have been actually seeing a couple of girls lately and she even asked me about it, because of some pictures she saw on Facebook. I am hanging out with three right now, nothing anywhere near serious, but I'm having fun. But it seems, every time I am with one of them, I think about her. She is on my mind a lot. Ever since I have talked to her last week, I have been constantly thinking about her, but no depressing thoughts. I'm not sad over the situation, I just have feelings for her and the feelings that I have are much stronger than I thought they were before. When we talk I can't help but have a huge smile on my face and I often wonder what she thinks about me. When we first started dating we always talked about how we both thought we had massive potential, I just had issues to work out. So far, most of my issues are being worked out tremendously. I don't want to chase after her, because 1. that's a huge turnoff and 2. I'm not the type to do that anyway. I'm just not sure whether to let this situation go or not.

[I wish]

I know I'm late to give advice, but I wanted to put my 2 cents.

She told me I had mood swings and that I had loose baggage. She also claimed that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around and that she couldnt really express herself to me cause she didnt know how I would react to it.

I see in the updates that you won't really have a chance with this girl. However, she did point something out about you.

I see that you gave her space. But that's not the only thing you had to do. There are obviously certain aspects about your personality that will affect your interaction with this girl and other girls in the future.

I think you should spend some time working on these aspects, because nor matter how much space you give a girl, if you come back the same person and she or another girl still points all those things about you, you won't make any progress.

That being said, I understand long distance can be tough and you have to be a bit pushier to get things out. Cause you're not around so you can't see what's going on. So unless you can fix this part about your personality, maybe long distance is not the best type of relationship for you just yet.

[dimonthecoast]

Yea that's very interesting on what you have to say. I found out the only reason she contacted me is because I asked her/my friend why she didn't contact me over spring break and her friend ended up telling her to talk to me about it. And regarding the whole psychologist situation, she has known about this since I first started so I didn't bring it up for the first time. Honestly, I don't why she didn't just contact me over spring break, I think she was immature and wanted to take the easy way out so it wouldn't stress her out. That is a very common thing today so it isn't a big deal. As for the conversations, she has been doing the contacting and I have kept it very light, nothing heavy what-so-ever. I have been actually seeing a couple of girls lately and she even asked me about it, because of some pictures she saw on facebook. I am hanging out with three right now, nothing anywhere near serious, but I'm having fun. But it seems, every time I am with one of them, I think about her. She is on my mind a lot. Ever since I have talked to her last week, I have been constantly thinking about her, but no depressing thoughts. I'm not sad over the situation, I just have feelings for her and the feelings that I have are much stronger than I thought they were before. When we talk I can't help but have a huge smile on my face and I often wonder what she thinks about me. When we first started dating we always talked about how we both thought we had massive potential, I just had issues to work out. So far, most of my issues are being worked out tremendously. I don't want to chase after her, because 1. thats a huge turnoff and 2. I'm not the type to do that anyway. I'm just not sure whether to let this situation go or not.

The big smile comes because you really like her and when you converse with her it shows on your face. You also think about her when you're with other girls because you still have an attachment. Detachment comes with time.. . When she pops into your mind, try to find something else to occupy it. It's not a matter of shutting her out of your life, it's a matter of not allowing her to become an obsession. I think you're doing fine, keep seeing the professional, keep hanging out with your new friends and continue to resist the urge to make it more with her. You're growing up honey - we call it maturity. What you're going through is all part of the "process."

All the best.

[annybaby84]

I have one more question and it may sound stupid, but I have to ask. I know you said communication is key, I couldn't agree more. As of right now, the last thing I want to do is smother her or pressure her into constantly talking. So, what I wondering is, how often do you think I should speak to her? Every day? Every couple days? I know that sounds like a dumb question but I'm trying to do it right this time around.

Ho often do you think you should speak to her?

As often as someone who would talk to you and you don't think the amount of that is too annoying... Don't worry too much for that, be casual about it!