[xMaverickx]

All right so I was dating this girl for a couple weeks through long distance. She was about 6 hours away from me. Before we started to date we had been talking for about a month and a half. The reason we broke up is because she said she saw a new side of me that she didn't like. She told me I had mood swings and that I had loose baggage. She also claimed that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around and that she couldn't really express herself to me cause she didn't know how I would react to it. I didn't deny any of these allegations. After we broke up we both came to the conclusion that we both care each other a great deal and we both want to see this relationship work out. She also wants to be friends for now. Yesterday and the day before I tried asking her if she would like to be more than friends but less than official. She said no. She wants me to open up to her as a friend and she also wants me to fix my problems before she wants to get involved with me. Here is the catch... she said that since we are single now, if someone were to come along then we shouldn't deny giving something a chance there. I asked her if she was interested in anyone else and she said no and I said the same thing. I care about this girl a lot and I would really like to see this relationship work out, how should I approach this situation?

[Ber Rabbit]

Open up to her, be a friend first. Communication IS the key to a good relationship and instead of dumping you she's given you a chance to develop your communication skills and solve some issues that bother her.

This is a very young relationship and she's given you the information you need to have a chance at letting it grow, that's actually pretty rare.

If one of you finds someone else then discuss the situation and decide if you want to date others. Discussion is going to be key. Follow her suggestions and see where it goes. You're going to gain insight into making a relationship work whether the two of you end up dating or not.
Ber

[dimonthecoast]

Sounds like she was very honest in her concerns and if she conveyed them to you in a caring manner, then it's time for a self evaluation. I agree with Ber Rabbit, give her a chance to be a real friend and don't push a romantic relationship. As you grow and learn, she will either be drawn to you or you will have a friend for life (in which case you will be in a better position to have a more healthy relationship with someone else.)

Frustration can also make us seem "moody." That may be a good place to start.

Patience grasshopper

[NeedKarma]

She may have a point: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-267013.html

You need to get comfortable with yourself and your life before you can be with someone else.

[artlady]

Whatever it is she wants you to change is very vague.
Many people have baggage,what does she expect you to do about it?
Some people are moody,that is just a personality trait,what does she want you to do ?
She wants you to change but has not given you specifics.And she still wants to keep the door open for others.
Maybe she is the one with the problem,after all,she is making these demands and you are getting a* maybe I will be there when you have improved yourself* according to her standards.
What do you want from the relationship and can you change these unacceptable behaviors?
That's the bottom line.

[xMaverickx]

Sounds like she was very honest in her concerns and if she conveyed them to you in a caring manner, then it's time for a self evaluation. I agree with Ber Rabbit, give her a chance to be a real friend and don't push a romantic relationship. As you grow and learn, she will either be drawn to you or you will have a friend for life (in which case you will be in a better position to have a more healthy relationship with someone else.)

Frustration can also make us seem "moody." That may be a good place to start.

Patience grasshopper

I have to agree with you 100%. I think discussion is the key and the last I want to do is be pushy about it. Which, I will admit I have been a little bit, but I have backed off. And Ber Rabbit, you are very right, this is indeed a rare occurrence and I am fortunate to have a chance at improving upon it and I'm looking forward to see what happens. She has told me that she wants to be friends and I don't have a problem with that. There is only one thing I am concerned about and that is the fact that she might end up finding someone else and then at the point I will have wasted time and energy on her. That's my dilemma right now and also the long distance doesn't help much either. That's what I have been going over in my head.

[Ber Rabbit]

There is only one thing I am concerned about and that is the fact that she might end up finding someone else and then at the point I will have wasted time and energy on her. That's my dilemma right now and also the long distance doesn't help much either. That's what I have been going over in my head.

Don't think of it as wasted time and energy on her, think of it as invested time and energy in yourself. Developing your communication skills in this relationship will leave you that much farther ahead in your next one if this one doesn't work out. Think of it as relationship school rather than a love carnival where she is a prize to be won ;)
Best of luck to you!
Ber

[xMaverickx]

Don't think of it as wasted time and energy on her, think of it as invested time and energy in yourself. Developing your communication skills in this relationship will leave you that much farther ahead in your next one if this one doesn't work out. Think of it as relationship school rather than a love carnival where she is a prize to be won ;)
Best of luck to you!
Ber

Good way to look at it... so either way it's a win, win situation for me... thanks for your help, I will definitely be taking your advice

[xMaverickx]

Open up to her, be a friend first. Communication IS the key to a good relationship and instead of dumping you she's given you a chance to develop your communication skills and solve some issues that bother her.

This is a very young relationship and she's given you the information you need to have a chance at letting it grow, that's actually pretty rare.

If one of you finds someone else then discuss the situation and decide if you want to date others. Discussion is going to be key. Follow her suggestions and see where it goes. You're going to gain insight into making a relationship work whether the two of you end up dating or not.
Ber

I have one more question and it may sound stupid, but I have to ask. I know you said communication is key, I couldn't agree more. As of right now, the last thing I want to do is smother her or pressure her into constantly talking. So, what I wondering is, how often do you think I should speak to her? Every day? Every couple days? I know that sounds like a dumb question but I'm trying to do it right this time around.

[Ber Rabbit]

Every couple of days is probably fine for now. Leave some time between calls to have experiences to share as well as talking about deeper stuff. She seems really willing to communicate so asking her how often she would like you to call would be a good subject for you to talk about with her.
Ber

[dimonthecoast]

I have one more question and it may sound stupid, but I have to ask. I know you said communication is key, I couldn't agree more. As of right now, the last thing I want to do is smother her or pressure her into constantly talking. So, what I wondering is, how often do you think I should speak to her? Every day? Every couple days? I know that sounds like a dumb question but I'm trying to do it right this time around.

Give her a few days in between calls - that gives you a chance to focus on your life. What are your hobbies, what do you like to do? (Go on a hike and enjoy creation. Buy a cook book and learn to master lasagna. Go wine tasting and build a collection.) If you sense she's impatient or doesn't have time to talk, then extend the time for the next call. You are more interesting when you HAVE other interests. Also, let the conversation develop naturally about any serious issues, but don't corner her. The main key is not to be anxious. And if she mentions another person, it's okay to let her know you're disappointed, but "hey, if it wasn't meant to be then I'll be fine and I hope he's good to you." If that closes the door, then it closes it with good feelings (which you will NEVER regret). If you blow up or get significantly upset, then you'll feel bad/guilty later. Pain and loss are a part of life, how we deal with it is what shapes us as people.

[xMaverickx]

Give her a few days in between calls - that gives you a chance to focus on your life. What are your hobbies, what do you like to do? (Go on a hike and enjoy creation. Buy a cook book and learn to master lasagna. Go wine tasting and build a collection.) If you sense she's impatient or doesn't have time to talk, then extend the time for the next call. You are more interesting when you HAVE other interests. Also, let the conversation develop naturally about any serious issues, but don't corner her. The main key is not to be anxious. And if she mentions another person, it's okay to let her know you're disappointed, but "hey, if it wasn't meant to be then I'll be fine and I hope he's good to you." If that closes the door, then it closes it with good feelings (which you will NEVER regret). If you blow up or get significantly upset, then you'll feel bad/guilty later. Pain and loss are a part of life, how we deal with it is what shapes us as people.

I have been doing all of these things... giving her space and doing my own thing. So far, it has proved very successful. She told just yesterday that we are getting along better than we did when we are dating and she feels like she can talk to me and open up. I didn't really know how to take that comment. I was wondering whether she was thinking that we are better off as friends or that she sees a change in me and that we are moving in a positive direction. I don't know. And another thing, we are eachothers valentine, I sent her a nice card with a picture of us and I don't think she made an effort what-so-ever to do anything for me. I'm thinking to myself... what the hell? You know what I mean? To tell you the truth, that hurts, but nothing I can do about that.

[dimonthecoast]

I have been doing all of these things...giving her space and doing my own thing. So far, it has proved very successful. She told just yesterday that we are getting along better than we did when we are dating and she feels like she can talk to me and open up. I didn't really know how to take that comment. I was wondering whether she was thinking that we are better off as friends or that she sees a change in me and that we are moving in a positive direction. I dont know. And another thing, we are eachothers valentine, I sent her a nice card with a picture of us and I dont think she made an effort what-so-ever to do anything for me. I'm thinking to myself....what the hell? You know what I mean? To tell you the truth, that hurts, but nothing I can do about that.

You are still looking for things out of her. You are putting too much effort into it. RELAX. When you don't expect things, you are more comfortable with her and yourself. I know it's hard to shift gears from romantic to platonic, but it appears to be the direction you may need to go in for awhile. If your ultimate goal is to get her back and not grow as a person, then you may surely fail. Everyone who has responded to you Maverick wants to see you succeed, first with yourself, then a wonderful girl. Guys view things from the "fix it" perspective. If there is something wrong, then do "blank" and the problem is fixed. Girls view things from a relational perspective, things ebb and flow, conversations or just spending time together. It's all about the relationship, not just with each other, but with life in general. When you're hanging out with your friends, you don't (or shouldn't) expect a lot out of them, you just do stuff or enjoy eachothers company. People gravitate to those who want to give (ie do for others, please don't read door mat, read friend). You have stuff in common. Good fulfilling relationships take time to build. A skyscraper has a very deep and solid foundation and took years to build, beach houses built on sand in a few months washed away in Katrina.

If it's too difficult for you right now - you may have to detach for awhile.. . Time and distance gives us a clearer perspective. There may be something else going on that she's not sharing with you (let her bring it up), but no matter what happens this is a learning and growing experience - you don't say how old you are, but my guess is you're younger than those who have responded to you - learn from our mistakes and experience.


All the best

[N0help4u]

She wants you to change the things she sees as a problem but in the meantime she doesn't want to be waiting around indefinitely to see IF things change. So why don't you concentrate more on working out what is hindering your relationship from moving on and then see where it goes. The more you push her for a relationship the more she is going to feel that it isn't worth it. She wants to see actions. So work on yourself and let her see the changes and see if it goes anywhere then.

[Ber Rabbit]

I have been doing all of these things...giving her space and doing my own thing. So far, it has proved very successful. She told just yesterday that we are getting along better than we did when we are dating and she feels like she can talk to me and open up. I didn't really know how to take that comment. I was wondering whether she was thinking that we are better off as friends or that she sees a change in me and that we are moving in a positive direction. I dont know.

You are over-analyzing. She's feeling more comfortable with you and that's a good thing so continue with what you're doing. Learn to accept a compliment instead of looking for hidden meanings ;)

And another thing, we are eachothers valentine, I sent her a nice card with a picture of us and I dont think she made an effort what-so-ever to do anything for me. I'm thinking to myself....what the hell? You know what I mean? To tell you the truth, that hurts, but nothing I can do about that.

It hurts because you're expecting something of her in return for things you've done, you're trying to "win the prize" again.
Ber

[xMaverickx]

OK here is update on the everything... I spoke to her last night about a couple things. It seems like every time we start talking it leads to a serious discussion about us. And of course last night it lead to one and by the end of the conversation she said she was sick of talking about serious things and it "drained" her. She told me that she doesn't really even care if I were to hook up with another girl, but she would feel a little weird about it. Last week I had been pushy about us getting back together and I know that was a mistake. She also told me last night that because of that it had completely turned her off and she has lost some feelings for me. Lately, it seems like she doesn't even want to talk to me, every time we text I get one or 2 word responses and stuff along those lines. She also said last night that she isn't even sure if she wants to pursue this relationship anymore, I was kind of hurt. But, she still would like to hang out over spring break. I literally was just texting her this morning and I told her that I agreed and I think we should talk casually and have fun. So, tonight I'm going to talk to her. Im not really even sure what to do, let this crap go or continue to see what happens.

[dimonthecoast]

ok here is update on the everything....I spoke to her last night about a couple things. It seems like everytime we start talking it leads to a serious discussion about us. And of course last night it lead to one and by the end of the conversation she said she was sick of talking about serious things and it "drained" her. She told me that she doesnt really even care if I were to hook up with another girl, but she would feel a little weird about it. Last week I had been pushy about us getting back together and I know that was a mistake. She also told me last night that because of that it had completely turned her off and she has lost some feelings for me. Lately, it seems like she doesnt even wanna talk to me, everytime we text i get one or 2 word responses and stuff along those lines. She also said last night that she isnt even sure if she wants to pursue this relationship anymore, I was kind of hurt. But, she still would like to hang out over spring break. I literally was just texting her this morning and I told her that I agreed and I think we should talk casually and have fun. So, tonight I'm going to talk to her. Im not really even sure what to do, let this crap go or continue to see what happens.

It leads to a serious discussion about "us" because you are pushing. It's draining her because she's not getting her point across. That may or may not be her fault depending on how clear she's being. I hate to say this hon, but she's moving on emotionally and hasn't reached the final "good bye" yet. She may have thrown you a "bone" for spring break because she hasn't reached that point yet.

Let it go and walk away while you still have some dignity and she still has some fond feelings for you. You never know what may happen in the future if you leave on that note. If she gets totally turned off to you and shuts the door, there never will be a future possibility.

As most of us have said before - learn from this, look at why you are trying to hang on to this girl so hard.

[xMaverickx]

It leads to a serious discussion about "us" because you are pushing. It's draining her because she's not getting her point across. That may or may not be her fault depending on how clear she's being. I hate to say this hon, but she's moving on emotionally and hasn't reached the final "good bye" yet. She may have thrown you a "bone" for spring break because she hasn't reached that point yet.

Let it go and walk away while you still have some dignity and she still has some fond feelings for you. You never know what may happen in the future if you leave on that note. If she gets totally turned off to you and shuts the door, there never will be a future possibility.

As most of us have said before - learn from this, look at why you are trying to hang on to this girl so hard.

Yea I think your right, its gotten to the point where we are both asking ourselves, "whats the point?" But something is making us both hold on for some reason. As for that final goodbye, I don't want it to get to the point, but perhaps it will and if it does then that's OK. I guess I will continue to see what happens and remain her friend.

[dimonthecoast]

Sometimes we're afraid to let go because we don't want to be alone (fear, desparation) and we'd be jealous if the other met someone. (You're always more attractive when someone else wants you).

[xMaverickx]

Sometimes we're afraid to let go because we don't want to be alone (fear, desparation) and we'd be jealous if the other met someone. (You're always more attractive when someone else wants you).

I know exactly what you mean and I do somewhat feel afraid and scared. Relationships are so complex. And I think your so right, you are more attractive when someone else wants you... do you have any tips in helping me with that?