[matthrawlinson]

Im 14 on the 26 of December 2007 my mum suddenly died of a heart attack I was only 13 . Now I have just passed the one year mark and am approaching my birthday I am finding it hard to cope. Do you have any surgestions . She was only 38 :'(. Life seems so much different now . Living with my grandparents . I have no dad anyway . Don't know what to do.

[JudyKayTee]

Im 14 on the 26 of december 2007 my mum suddenly died of a heart attack i was only 13 . now i have just passed the one year mark and am approaching my birthday i am finding it hard to cope. do you have any surgestions . She was only 38 :'(. Life seems so much different now . living with my grandparents . i have no dad anyway . Dont know what to do.

I can only offer support and experience - my husband passed away in 2007. I am still grieving. You are in a very bad spot, without a doubt. It's wonderful that your grandparents have taken you in but, of course, that doesn't help with your grief. Everyone says to remember the good, try not to dwell on the loss, but I know how hard that is. I found the first year was so difficult because I kept looking back and remembering "a year ago such and such." The second year is almost worse because I was alone a year ago, too.

I wish I had sound advice other than the healing/grieving process is different for everyone and you have to do what helps you - talk about your Mom or don't talk about her; grieve or don't grieve; cry or don't cry. Everyone is different.

If you would like to talk about your Mom, tell us about her, why she was such a good Mom, why you miss her, we are always hear to listen. I'd like to know about her.

[matthrawlinson]

Judy Kay Tee.. Thank You. Welll I miss her so much mainly because she was also my best firend . She cared for me alone and did whatever it took to support me she was the most amazing mother and I Do feel for you .

[JudyKayTee]

Judy Kay Tee .. Thank You. Welll i miss her so much mainly because she was also my best firend . she cared for me alone and did whatever it took to support me she was the most amazing mother and i Do feel for you .

No need. I just posted my experience so you would know I know what grieving is. Your Mom sounds like she was strong and loving.

Likewise, I'm so sorry - life is sometimes unfair. Pure and simple - it's unfair.

[matthrawlinson]

Yeah I suppose it is :\

[ejdavis84]

On December 27th of 2005 I suddenly lost my mother. She was forty years old and I had just turned twenty-one. I still lived with her and she was also my best friend. Even now, three years later, I still have my hard times without her. But in the past couple of years, I've managed to find different ways of coping and have actually found normalcy in my life. I remember how strange everything was right after it happened, up to several months later and it was really hard, but you can get through it. Just embrace your feelings, talk to your friends and family and understand that she's still with you. Stay strong. :)

[wonderingy]

My mom also died suddenly this past August... and it really sucks... I don't know if I can answer your question but I can at least say I relate on some level... I haven't figured out how 2 handle things, the right way, but I have been trying to exercise faith. Its not easy and I feel alone, like no one can relate. I feel like a totally different person and I am just looking for someone who can understand.

[XxayeshaerexX]

Mann we have so much in common! On the 6th October 2008 my mum suddenly died of a heartattack. She was only 39 and I was 13 at the time. It was actually 26 days before my birthday. On January the 26th it was her 40th birthday and man was that hard. I had to go to her grave and give her a note and some flowers. It tears me apart to think I let her down so much when she was alive. It wasn't until she dies, that I realised how much I truly do love her. I know it sounds silly, but if I knew she was going to die, I would've cherished her final days. Instead, she died on her own after just moving house. She was exited about me coming to stay at her new flat for my birthday, and celebrating christmas. And to think that's never going to happen, is kind of depresing. I appologise for rabiting on a bit there, but I was just shocked at the circamstances of your motheres death. They intertwine so much with the events of mine. They're so similar and we were both 13. It hasn't got to the one year mark with me yet, but when it does... I don't think I'm quite prepared yet. Ayesha x

[lenzi7]

Hi all... I have to say I doesn't get any easier with age... my mum passed away 16th December 2007 from a sudden heart attack she was 60 and 10 days...
My dad, husband and I were there when it happened and she passed away in my arms... I can still close my eyes and see how it all happened... I remember every small detail.
Being an only child I had to be strong for my father and organised the whole funeral and cemetery myself... it has not been easy as I have to be a parent to my father now as he has never been alone.. 5 months ago I had my first child and things where looking up... but in the last two weeks I have gone backwards and not sure how to cope anymore...
matthrawlinson... gee what can I say to you... not sure just that you are not alone...
The thing that did help me smile again was to walk... every day! Getting out got me thinking and got me healthy again... try it. All the best.

[JudyKayTee]

Everyone deals with grief in his/her own way. I honestly don't know how you are grieving, working and raising four kids. As you say - your grief probably almost too intense to sort out feelings and reassure your children.

Do you have a Pastor or health care worker or even a group where you feel comfortable?

I lost my husband and found group did not work for me. What worked for me was pretty much locking myself in the house and working through it. It took a very long time. I have a friend who lost her husband and felt group was wonderful and supportive.

It's all about what works for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Just Looking]

I too am sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents to a car accident last year. I was 26 at the time, and an only child. It was so difficult, and I can only imagine at 13 or 14 how difficult it is for you. I just thought I might share some of the things I do to cope.

I let myself think of my parents often, even if it causes me to cry. Crying is healthy, but along with the crying I also have great memories of my parents. I visit the spot where my parents' ashes were spread – a lovely spot in the mountains, where I can hike and have a picnic and remember them. I celebrate their birthdays and holidays by doing the things we would have done together. It keeps the memories and traditions alive. I've made photo albums and journals where I can express how I am feeling and the things I remember. At first it was very hard on me to think of them, but over time it has become easier and brings me a lot of joy.

I would say to you that the best thing you can do is make your mother proud by finding your own way in life, doing well in school, and being happy. I know that is a tall order, especially while you are dealing with your grief. I also know that if you can find a way to succeed it will be much easier for you in the long run. Talk to your grandparents and friends. Embrace your feelings, even on the bad days. Take it a day at a time, but try to do your best each day. There might be days where you are overwhelmed, but they will pass. Just deal the best you can. I make it my goal to do my best and think of it as honoring my parents. I know your mother wants the best for you. Good luck.

[joseh17]

My mom was murdered almost 4 months ago, like lenzi said, it doesn't get easier with age. Even though its only been almost 4 months, every day it seems harder than the next. I am trying to move on with my life the way my mom would've wanted but it just seems to get harder every day. I am 23 years old and I am the older brother of 2, but it has still been really hard on me and my family. I have tried to stay strong for my brother and dad but it just seems to get harder every day. I have goals in life but besides my academic goals, I don't really care about anything else anymore. I don't know if this is normal behavior that will go away with time or if its something that I should focus more on. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[JudyKayTee]

my mom was murdered almost 4 months ago, like lenzi said, it doesnt get easier with age. even though its only been almost 4 months, every day it seems harder than the next. I am trying to move on with my life the way my mom would've wanted but it just seems to get harder every day. I am 23 years old and i am the older brother of 2, but it has still been really hard on me and my family. i have tried to stay strong for my brother and dad but it just seems to get harder every day. i have goals in life but besides my academic goals, i dont really care about anything else anymore. I dont know if this is normal behavior that will go away with time or if its something that i should focus more on. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Everyone grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way.

Yes, I went through the "not caring about anything" stage. Some days it was difficult remembering to put one foot in front of the other, let alone plan anything. I didn't work for quite a while after my husband died because I just couldn't leave the house.

As time has gone by some weeks/months have been MUCH more difficult than others. It's just part of the cycle.

If you are concerned about the extent of your grief you should speak to someone - a friend, a Physician, someone who will just listen to you and not judge you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[goodgirl-helpless]

I'm 21 now my mom passed away from cancer when I was 13... even though I knew she was sick I didn't think she was die... I found that praying to God mad it a little easier... she will always be with me in my heart and mind...

[JudyKayTee]

And if faith in God and prayer work for you - and they very well may work for other people - then that's what you have to do.

[Lamia1978]

Hello all,

Losing my mother has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in my life, the most confusing roller coaster ride ever. It's been just over a year now since she passed.

It's difficult, it was never meant to be easy, but I think we do change from such experiences, and we learn to deal with life differently. I spent a long time feeling isloated, like no one really understood me, and they really didn't. But slowly (at around 8 months after the fact) I started to come out of my shell and found life gets easier when you're surrounded by people that love you, and really do care. People who will allow you to talk about the death whether they are family, friends or others in grief therapy sessions.

I still sometimes find myself crying like a 2yr old who has lost her mother in a market place(im 31-it doesn't matter what age you are, death is hard) that feeling, that I won't be able to deal with life... but these moments are natural, they pass, and come back and pass and so on. But to all those who have very recently lost their mothers, I would just like to tell you that you will feel better. It will not always be as confusing, as painful... I assure you. It's very difficult, but days will become easier...
The memory will forever stay with you, and some days will not be easy, but you will feel stronger again. Rely on whatever support you feel will help you. If you need to be left alone, it's OK, be alone! Write a journal - I wrote my mother letters upon letters of anger, love, and missing her. It worked for me.
If you need to cry, cry, let it all out, it helps... if you need the support of others ask for it and be specific about what you want from them "I dont want you to give me advice I just want you to listen"
If you can't focus on work/ school alone... do some volunteering, help others- it changes your focus and shows you that if you can help others that are suffering too(it doesn't have to be from death)... then you can do this, you can get through it and you will.

I know it's really hard to understan why this happens to us, why we have to deal with it, and all the motions and confusion it brings with it. But you just slowly realize it really is a part of life. Every generation has lost a generation of mothers, it's part of our humanity, immortality... I don't simplify life, but time and time again when I've wondered why/how/what... I just keep coming to this same place. It is life, and we will all experience this pain. Remember your mother, by celebrating her life- do things in her spirit, give out food/clothes to those less fortunate, and let them know it's from your mother, ask them to pray for her... I've done this often this year, and on her birthday and death anniversary... remember that your mother always wanted you to be happy, and aim for that happiness. I wish you all peace, light and love.

[Lamia1978]

Hello all,

Losing my mother has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in my life, the most confusing roller coaster ride ever. It's been just over a year now since she passed.

It's difficult, it was never meant to be easy, but I think we do change from such experiences, and we learn to deal with life differently. I spent a long time feeling isloated, like no one really understood me, and they really didn't. But slowly (at around 8 months after the fact) I started to come out of my shell and found life gets easier when you're surrounded by people that love you, and really do care. People who will allow you to talk about the death whether they are family, friends or others in grief therapy sessions.

I still sometimes find myself crying like a 2yr old who has lost her mother in a market place(im 31-it doesn't matter what age you are, death is hard) that feeling, that I won't be able to deal with life... but these moments are natural, they pass, and come back and pass and so on. But to all those who have very recently lost their mothers, I would just like to tell you that you will feel better. It will not always be as confusing, as painful... I assure you. It's very difficult, but days will become easier...
The memory will forever stay with you, and some days will not be easy, but you will feel stronger again. Rely on whatever support you feel will help you. If you need to be left alone, it's OK, be alone! Write a journal - I wrote my mother letters upon letters of anger, love, and missing her. It worked for me.
If you need to cry, cry, let it all out, it helps... if you need the support of others ask for it and be specific about what you want from them "I dont want you to give me advice I just want you to listen"
If you can't focus on work/ school alone... do some volunteering, help others- it changes your focus and shows you that if you can help others that are suffering too(it doesn't have to be from death)... then you can do this, you can get through it and you will.

I know it's really hard to understan why this happens to us, why we have to deal with it, and all the motions and confusion it brings with it. But you just slowly realize it really is a part of life. Every generation has lost a generation of mothers, it's part of our humanity, immortality... I don't simplify life, but time and time again when I've wondered why/how/what... I just keep coming to this same place. It is life, and we will all experience this pain. Remember your mother, by celebrating her life- do things in her spirit, give out food/clothes to those less fortunate, and let them know it's from your mother, ask them to pray for her... I've done this often this year, and on her birthday and death anniversary... remember that your mother always wanted you to be happy, and aim for that happiness. I wish you all peace, light and love.

[Lamia1978]

Hello all,

Losing my mother has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in my life, the most confusing roller coaster ride ever. It's been just over a year now since she passed.

It's difficult, it was never meant to be easy, but I think we do change from such experiences, and we learn to deal with life differently. I spent a long time feeling isloated, like no one really understood me, and they really didn't. But slowly (at around 8 months after the fact) I started to come out of my shell and found life gets easier when you're surrounded by people that love you, and really do care. People who will allow you to talk about the death whether they are family, friends or others in grief therapy sessions.

I still sometimes find myself crying like a 2yr old who has lost her mother in a market place(im 31-it doesn't matter what age you are, death is hard) that feeling, that I won't be able to deal with life... but these moments are natural, they pass, and come back and pass and so on. But to all those who have very recently lost their mothers, I would just like to tell you that you will feel better. It will not always be as confusing, as painful... I assure you. It's very difficult, but days will become easier...
The memory will forever stay with you, and some days will not be easy, but you will feel stronger again. Rely on whatever support you feel will help you. If you need to be left alone, it's OK, be alone! Write a journal - I wrote my mother letters upon letters of anger, love, and missing her. It worked for me.
If you need to cry, cry, let it all out, it helps... if you need the support of others ask for it and be specific about what you want from them "I dont want you to give me advice I just want you to listen"
If you can't focus on work/ school alone... do some volunteering, help others- it changes your focus and shows you that if you can help others that are suffering too(it doesn't have to be from death)... then you can do this, you can get through it and you will.

I know it's really hard to understan why this happens to us, why we have to deal with it, and all the motions and confusion it brings with it. But you just slowly realize it really is a part of life. Every generation has lost a generation of mothers, it's part of our humanity, immortality... I don't simplify life, but time and time again when I've wondered why/how/what... I just keep coming to this same place. It is life, and we will all experience this pain. Remember your mother, by celebrating her life- do things in her spirit, give out food/clothes to those less fortunate, and let them know it's from your mother, ask them to pray for her... I've done this often this year, and on her birthday and death anniversary... remember that your mother always wanted you to be happy, and aim for that happiness. I wish you all peace, light and love.

[Markn]

My mother died when I was 12 of a sudden heart attack. It happened more than 30 years ago and I'm still suffering the effects because it wasn't handled well at the time. It really is important to get counselling so that you can talk out the issues and try to make sense of an event that has no sense. Many people suffer from post traumatic shock in this situation. Do yo have family and friends you can remember your mum with and talk about her?

Most of all recognize that it's OK to think about her and thait in no way - how ever far fetched it may seem- are you to blame for her death.

[Markn]

Hi Matt

It's six months on from your posting and 18 months on from her death and I don't know if you're still looking at this but it is really important how you deal with her death. We all have different experiences and in my case it was all swept under the table. People didn't want to mention my loss so it got buried. I've paid the price for that over the past 30 -plus years. I was 12 when my mum died and I didn't even get to see her body or go to her funeral. But for many people the death of a parent at that sort of age creates post stress disorder. Loss or other triggers bring back the old feelings that were felt at the time. The answer is to talk your feelings through. Don't bottle them up. It's best if you can find a councillor or trained listener or a sympathetic friend. It is a terrible thing to lose your mum and you are OK to feel bad about it. But life can be OK again - though always different.
Mark