[ardahk]

Hello,

I have been on this site reading a lot for the last week or so and never really thought about starting a thread until now. I am not sure why but I have always been an advocate of “its better out than in”. Reading what others have been going through it feels good to know that you aren’t alone in feeling how you feel, some more than others but we have all at some point been in the same boat. I have also always found it more helpful to talk and discuss such things with people who are not connected to you in anyway and therefore can be as blunt and objective as the situation permits. Having read all the advice on here, about the NC etc etc (I started NC the day before I got on here and realised it was the only way). I am writing this to tell you my entire story because reading all of yours has helped me and continues to help me. I am also writing this because I never took the advice of friends who told me that the best thing to do was to not contact her thinking in the back of my head (like a lot of people on here) that it was resolvable if I just continued showing her I was there being loving etc, but what most of us don’t realise (in this particular situation which I have seen loads of on here) that the problem was that we were ALWAYS there.

So here’s my story,

I have known this girl for 5 years, she is sisters with my big brothers girlfriend – have known her family for a long long time and get on amazingly well with her sister and mother. I am 21 years and she 20 (just the other day). My ex have incredible history, although we had only been going out for just under a year we had wanted to go out when we met and then for the years following but we lost contact (I got a girlfriend). We started talking to each other again and slowly slowly we ended up falling in love and professed this even before getting into the relationship. Everything was perfect and apart from little ups and downs here and there we were doing amazing. It was a loving, intense, intimate relationship – just like everyone on here says we were the loves of each others lives and nothing could separate us

The one thing that was wrong was that I was going to be moving to Paris in June of that year (we had been going out for 6+ months) but we had decided to stay together. Things were fine but then started to get worse and worse. Through the course of a month or two little problems of me not being able to pop back to London on the weekend for my best friends birthday etc she proposed a ‘break’ and then after seeing pictures of me and a girl (no kissing no nothing – I am completely against cheating and everyone who knows me knows this) who she thinks I like and likes me she broke up with me – that was the longest conversation I ever had we stayed on the phone all night. We hardly spoke for a month after this, and after a month she forgave me for what I had done but wasn’t ready to get back into a relationship until I got back to London (which back then was 9ish months away). Once we started talking about she came to me and told me that she kissed someone and she shouldn’t have and felt guilty, after a month of not having her I didn’t want any more arguments and let it go. In the meantime we were acting like boyfriend/girlfriend just like we always had – no difference whatsoever to how she was acting with me, she gave to visit me in Paris, devoted all her time to me while I was in London – she even told me to go out find other girls just to prove to her that she is the one I wanted WHERE IS THE SENSE IN THAT?

Problems started getting worse and worse the more she talked to this guy she had kissed (I didn’t know they were still talking). She started visiting less and then not at all, she would lie to me constantly about what she was doing or who she was with, she would always say that she and this other guy were just friends and nothing was going on and it was me she wanted and never wanted to lose and couldn’t live without. I still continued to go to London a lot but the time I got with her was limited at best (rather than spending 3 days together we spent 1 night together or just an afternoon). She said she needed space but I needed answers that she couldn’t give me and we had months of arguments about how things are going with us and the distance I saw had been growing. 4 months ago I told her that if she continued what she was doing, develop feelings for this other guy while loving me someone is going to get hurt or you will probably just end up hurting both and yourself. I was completely aware of what was happening and how hurt I could get in the end but I seriously thought that no matter what happened a friendship and relationship of 5 years wouldn’t just be thrown away that easy for a guy she knew for only 3ish months and who she got with after we broke up.. She started lying more, not seeing me, talking on phone less and more by text but still all the while professing her love for me and how she wanted to be with me and nobody else etc etc – yet again I always fell for it and did everything for her no matter what – for me love conquers all yet there is a time when the line is crossed and you NEED to realise it. She say the person more and more, talked to him more and more – completely ignored me on weekends and just spent time with him – lying to me and then coming back feeling guilty that she had kissed him yet again. I knew she had to make a choice because she was incapable of not talking to him (he fell in love and would never accept her wishes when she said she couldn’t talk to him anymore – she said she tried as hard as she could but I never believed that and still don’t). But to her there was no choice to be made, as she didn’t want to be in a relationship with either but in the meantime loved me and from what I could see started seeing him as more than just a friend which she constantly said from the start. My mistake was letting things continue as they were – I realise that now

Maybe with no contact things would have turned out different but one thing is for sure, I would have been able to cope with happened in the end and be better prepared. In the end (about a week ago, her birthday weekend) she finally told me what was going on and gave me the answers I had been pressing for months before even though I had stopped ever since the New Year – it just hurt too much even though before new years it was still the I love yous etc. She told me that she loved two people which killed me and to add even more, she said she think she is in love with him and didn’t know what to do. She said that because I didn’t know how she felt she was guilty hanging out with me, it wasn’t the same for him because he knew everything – why is it that a friendship of 5 years and a relationship we both waited years for was killed over her inability to respect me enough to tell me from the start. All she could say to me was, I can't force you to be my friend - I found this ridiculously selfish and felt she was completely ignorant of my feelings and what she had done to me. And worst of all, after professing for months that she didn't want to lose and would never, and here she was sitting in front of me saying pretty much 'I can't help it'. Worse of all she didn't think there was a decision to be made between either of us but was OK to lose me and everything over it and justifying it by saying that she can't be my friend. The next day I took her for dinner to celebrate her birthday (or so she thought) but all I wanted to do was have a nice night to remember her by, I was sick of being angry, jealous, annoyed, frustrated – to me I had got my answer and to be honest I wish I just let go before – ignorance is bliss but sometimes we really can't help ourselves, I know I couldn’t.

I gave her a birthday to remember, a gift that she will never take off, a letter that says it all and it gave me the comfort and power to leave and do what I HAD TO DO (this is what we all hide from because we know a lot of the time it will hurt us, the point is ‘we’ were always going to get hurt and I didn’t realise that prolonging it would make it so much worse). I told her I love her too much to be her friend and sit idle while the love of my life destroys everything we had left – I wanted to get out but with a smile on my face and head held up high. I told her I needed to respect myself and for that reason I couldn’t be around, if you can't respect yourself there is no way anyone will respect you – make that decision, stick by it and be a MAN is what I always tell myself – you don’t want to be the kind of person that goes back on decision and that’s the type of strong person I am, and want to continue to be no matter how much hurt she handed me and I accepted at the start. If you get taken advantage of once and let it slide, it will happen again and again. I told her everything had been amazing, I loved the time we had had together but I just couldn’t anymore – no more games, no more hiding, no more lies and the only way that can be done is to shield yourself and go NC.

For me its been almost a week of NC and I know there is no turning back. A lot of you may feel you aren't ready for NC but the truth is you never will be because you will never let go until you have no choice but to let go and trust me you will feel much much better if you take that initiative because you will be able to use that to motivate you to get on with your life and not be resentful and angry because the more angry you are and the longer you prolong not doing NC you will come out worse off - continually talking to my ex only helped her and her ego (thats what I failed to realise), helped her guilt. Just look at it this way, I tried for months to show her my love, surprise trips back to London, gifts and little things I knew she'd love - maybe it pushed her further away or maybe she had already made up her in mind but in the end I am the one hurt and destroyed and on top of that I am the one in the end who says enough is enough you just have to realise that it has to be done and prolonging it rarely ever brings good

I am not sure the main reason of writing this, maybe its me venting, maybe to find out how you guys feel about what I have done because I guess that’s what I need now, courage and encouragement. But most of all to those people I have read about who are being told to go NC and still refuse after months – it is only you that is suffering and you that aren’t being yourself. Think about it this way, if this situation that we have all found ourselves in didn’t involve the love of our life would we stick by it? The answer is no, nobody likes getting shat on (sorry for crudeness). But also, the time away will help YOU realise that getting angry and wallowing in your own misery doesn’t help you or show your ex that you love them but only show how desperate and weak you are. The choice is yours but that is not the person I want to be.

NO CONTACT! RAM IT INTO YOUR HEAD AND LEAVE HER WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH - we only have ourselves to look after ourselves - don't ever make the mistake of making her happiness single handedly dependent on someone else because if and when you fall, you will fall fastest, hardest and it will hurt more than ever imagineable

I know I have rambled on for ages and I am sorry if some doesn't make sense, I find myself incapable of summarising what has been an experience of a lifetime (good and bad) in nothing less than what I have written so forgive me!

I would appreciate any comments or anything or whatever I don't know what I want I just know that writing this is what I wanted to do.

Many thanks,

[UnluckyDucky]

Thanks for sharing your story. It looks like you've been through hell and back but it looks like you've taken the steps to get back on track.

Today is day 7 of NC for me, and I tell you I wish I had done this from day one instead of being dragged along for almost 3 weeks, holding on to false hope. I can't agree with you over the importance of NC.

Now is the time to refocus that time and energy on yourself. One of my friends always tells me, "Never invest everything into a relationship - instead always invest in yourself first... that way, relationship or not you always win." and he's so right.

[zeeniee]

Hi Ardahk,
I think what you did was very brave and very right for you. At the end you realised that you just can't carry on this way and NC is the way forward- keep going and good luck

[ardahk]

Thank you, I know that it is, I just wish that I had come here before or heeded advice from friends who said to let it go months ago - it would have hurt yes but this is worse

I don't want someone going through the same thing, its not fair, not right and not a happy time so if anyone considering doing NC just f***ing do it because trust me you are way better off. Footing around and beating around the bush with what ifs and buts will not change anything. And most important of all, you cannot change how someone feels.

I just makes everything feel a billion times worse that all through her loving etc she was developing this relationship with this other guy and when she knew how she finally felt she came out with it leaving me with no option other than be her b*tch or be my own man.

No choice at all really..

Naivety is what is comes down to - something I will carry on for future relationships and life in general. I feel years older than I want to - part of that is my character and part is what I have been through

[talaniman]

You go dude!!

[ardahk]

Maybe I have something to thank her for now.

I ended up winning 1000 euros at poker the other night. With my french friend saying:

"Malheureux en amour, heureux en jeu"

AMEN to that.

[ardahk]

It's a week today that I started NC. I don't have the urge to call her, I have too much pride and I know that if I do it will only lead to making things worse than they are now if possible.

I feel such a mix of emotions - I know what I am doing is right but I can't help wanting to know what she has been up to etc etc. But then I think about this other guy and all that goes away and turns to anger and dislike (hate is way too strong of a word).. Is this healthy?!

I know I am going to be in a better place after this all but for now what do I do? I even get bored speaking to the most beautiful of girls, its absolutely ridiculous

[talaniman]

Learn new skills, and build new friendships. You can do what ever you please, and try what ever you feel like.

[ardahk]

The thing is - I am only in Paris for another 5ish months, enough time to build friendships but then I am gone back to England..

New skills it is...

[ceddie13]

I'm on my 4th day, and it sux I have been looking at my phone less ( turning it off) helps a lot, but as someone said I do wonder what she has been up to. Heck I even have realized what I did wrong in the relationship before and what I want to change if given that chance but realistically I am 3hrs away and she is sort of seeing another guy but he's a player... it sounds like for most people on here we get taken for a ride and don't really ever get a second chance.

[UnluckyDucky]

Ceddie, unfortunately that's all too true for the most of us. But, we only get taken for a ride if we allow ourselves too - NC all the way!

I'm on Day 8 and I'm feeling great (hah, I made a rhyme :P ).. splurged a on a new haircut and I feel like a million bucks :)

[ceddie13]

Yes yes it's a great feeling, I think I'll be fine I just need to get through Saturday and this whole dance with this other guy... then I'll be OK. I have come to terms that she may never come back and it sux but, if she comes around and wants to try then we will see. But if there's no progress by 3 months that's my dead line of wanting even friendship forget dating by then if we still have NC lol. So in 3 months people if NC remands we don't talk forget any ties even JUST being friends

[victorlea9]

Thanks for telling me to reed this. I'm going to have my girlfriend reed it and she what she thinks. I want her to understand how bad that hurts and u did a pretty good job of explaining things. Thank you

[ardahk]

Coming up to 2 weeks and I am going good.

Thought about her this weekend but not as much as usual - got with someone she hates, not because she hates her but just because she was there.. Sorry to sounds crude but I needed a morale boost. This other girls knows all about it so its not like I was taking advantage or anything..

I have a question..

I have always been close to my ex's mother and have known her pretty much as long as I have known my ex (5ish years), added to the fact that my older brother was going out with her other daughter (I was over a lot and both daughters were with me and my older brother a lot too, there is a lot of family history between us all). We have always had a good relatioship, chatting together, going for coffee, talking on phone etc.. She will be visiting Paris for 10 days and has let me know and would like to meet up and do stuff together as we would do if I was in London. I haven't objected to anything as to us doing things together just because I don't want to be rude and I really really enjoy her company.

I feel comfortable around her, even though its been a while since I last spoke to her daughter etc. I would like to know.

What's the best way to act around her?
How should I be vis-à-vis my ex?

I don't know what mindset I should go in with, I need advice and help guys!

[talaniman]

You give the exes family, the dignity and respect they deserve. That doesn't mean you go out of your way to snub them, but you do discreetly back away, until you have healed yourself, and can deal with them on a realistic level.

[ardahk]

Kind of already got myself into meeting up with her etc.. Will probably go for a coffee or a quick drink, so not meeting up is impossible

Of course I am going to treat them with respect, nobody has to tell me that. But with regards to my ex I know I will hear things, and I know it won't bug me but at the same time she isn't in my life anymore so hearing it is useless..

Don't exactly know how to handle it...

[talaniman]

Back out of her life is how you handle it. Her parents will understand.

[ardahk]

Been some time since I have written here..

Little update and concern:

So its been pretty much a month of NC, doing fine not called her etc. Feeling better about everything and myself and the decisions I have made. Can see myself becoming a stronger and better person which is one of my aims here. I know that its hard, just taking each day a step at a time. I know that it will be sometime before I get into a relationship and feel the same way that I did about my ex but that is also for the best, I am not in the right place for a relationship, so I am just staying clear and enjoying myself.

Little thing I wanted to ask. I have broken my foot and was in hospital etc, I am still friendly with my ex's sister and mother and they sent me get well messages as well as "is there anything you need" lines etc. I replied amicably as I always would. To be honest I knew my ex would find out, there is no way she wouldn't. But I didn't expect her for call me 4 times, I didn't answer any of the calls. Seeing her name come up on my phone just took me aback a little, its not the weirdest thing that she would call, I have broken my foot after all but its just seeing it is much more different to just thinking about it. She didn't leave a message or a text but I know she is calling to see if I am OK or something of the sort, maybe to talk and chit chat because calling 4 times is a little excessive.

Not sure if I want her to call again or just leave me alone which I guess would make my decision easier in a way. I just wanted to ask your advice on what you think I should do, I am quite unsure. I don't think I am over her and that's why I didn't call back initially and continued not to over the other missed calls but then again I am not sure.. I want her to be my friend at some point but I really don't think now is the time.. I am just very confused as to how I should act and what I should do..

Any advice and help, insight guys?

[kctiger]

My advice: Get her mother and her sister out of your life... I don't mean to be harsh, but that seems like an open door to drama, while you are trying to heal... close all doors, PERIOD! Perhaps they open back up in the future, but for right now, it isn't necessary.

[talaniman]

Stick to your plan to heal and move on. That simple.