[luvee]

Me and my mom are not talking to each other for weeks now. I was 10 yrs old when she started working abroad. I grew up not being close to her so as my other 4 sibblings. She was able to get my 2 sisters to Canada 5 yrs ago while I stayed here for some reasons.To make the story short, I'm 28 now and has 2 sons. I had a problem with my boyfriend (d father of my 2 sons since we're not married) last May of this year. I seek help from my mom, since she has a Vocational and Technical school here in the Phil. She said its better to leave my boyfriend and bring the kids with me in our province. Thus, she will be the one to support my kids instead, while I work in her school. Since I was emotionally drained with my boyfriend, I left him and live with my mom. My boyfriend was giving financial support for the kids and so us my kids education. My mom said I don't have to worry for the payment of the apartment because she will be the one to pay for it while I pay the rest of the bills. A month later my boyfriend followed us and he said he wanted to get us back. My mom then having seen his sincerity and so am I, we decided to give ourselves a chance but still my kids and I will live with my mom while he has to visit the kids every week or 2 weeks. Then just recently, my mom said she's having a hard time in the school since she put up another branch, she got my cheque which my friend paid me without asking permission from me. It was I knew that she paid it for the rent of her school branch. Another incident happened, wherein she borrowed money from my boyfriend and said she will paid it, and again, she borrowed another money from me, and said she'll paid it. Although she has only nearly half of the accumulated money. She also said she can't pay the apartment because she has financial problem and asking me to pay it instead. I got mad because she didn't tell it to me all along she always tell me that I need not to worry, but then when its time to pay the rent she's passing it to me and to no avail. At that time, I don't have money in the pocket and even in my account because she got my reserved money. SO I was infuriated, we argued and she packed her things. I admit I disrepected her and I felt so bad about it, she threw hurtful words also and ended up of me sending all her things in her school. We didn't see each other since then. I told my sisters about this and also my dad (by the way they are separated), I was shocked also to know that she told a different stories with my sisters and my relatives. My aunties were mad at me. I tried to ask sorry from her but she didn't want to. I even invited her on the christening of my youngest son but she didn't go there. I tried so many times to reconciliate but either she put down the phone or gives alibis. I don't know what to do know. I'm having sleepless nights because I can't stand our situation. Am I really the one to be blame? What will I do now? Please help me with this... I will appreciate any advice you can give me and surely, itl make me feel better.

[Krs]

Hi luvee,

Im sorry to hear all of this.
I was in abit of similar situation with my mum.
Currently me and my hubby are doing up our new apartment so we moved in with my mum.

My father is deceased, so my mum is living on a widow's penison, which trust me isn't a lot. I pay my mum for food shopping every month, which accumulates quite high. We argued sometimes about how high it is but we had this agreement before we moved in.

I can't understand why your mum isn't talking to you?
She should be more mature than that!

[luvee]

Oh, I feel better knowing we both feel the same experience. ALthough, at least you know how much your mom is getting and you are aware of that right? But with my mom, she is so nice with other people letting them lend money from her which really amounted to big amount and whenever I told her (this was when we were still in good terms) to be extra careful she got mad at me in return. I admit, my actions lead her to think that I want her out of this house, perhaps that's my initial reaction because she's not helping me at all in spite of the fact that she is the one who encouraged and assured me of moving in here. And yeah, I still don't understand why she's not talking to me. I texted her, no reply, I called her, she hanged the phone... and worse, she didn't attend the christening of my youngest son in spite of me telling her that it was one of the important occasion in my children's life which she has to attend. I don't know what to do now... I love my mom of course even if her actions irritated me... :( I really feel so bad

[luvee]

And also, she didn't even greet me on my birthday. It's as if I don't exist anymore. ANd she's been telling stories to my sibblings and relatives that I am so engrossed with money and that I asked her to leave the house because I can't get any money from her anymore... it hurts

[Krs]

I don't whether there is more to this as your mums actions are really strange.

I would make sure I find the right time alone with her and really speak to her.

[luvee]

I tried to talk to her like only the two of us but I can't locate her, When she's in the house of her sister, she's hiding and I didn't go to the school because she might humilate me which sometimes when we were still okay, she did that even if there were people around... my mom is really weird. I don't know if she's really my mom or what or I don't know what's in her mind, she always say that her children are of no help to her eversince she and my dad separate and we grow up with our dad so normally we are all close to our father than her, and she hates that.

[Krs]

So there seems like there is more to it.
So this has been going on for a while wi you and your mum?

[luvee]

Yes, actually when we used to argue eversince, like when I didn't have children. WHen I have my kids, our relationship turns out to be nice although there were circumstances that we argued because I saw some people fooling her in terms of money like using her and I told her about that but she's not listening instead she's telling me I'm jelous and all. Imagine, she even let her dancing instructor use my laptop and took it in the man's house even if I didn't know. When I knew it and got mad, my mom was like lying to me and said I was over reacting... few things like that happened to us before the worse issue. Its so obvious she trusts her friends more than me, us rather (my sibblings). I don't know if il just rest my case... like I can't do anything about it at all

[Krs]

At least you are seeing the problem, your mum isn't, she is letting people use her and she doesn't seem to care or be aware of it.
Your mum only wants to hear and see what she wants - not the truth.
Its like you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.

I think this a lot to do with her separation from your father, and that you went to live with your father.
But a child should never be to blame for this.

[luvee]

YOu're right Krs. It's a reality that I think I have to accept. And yes, I tried my best to reach out and its hard reaching out to someone who doesn't want to be reached. Now, her fancy friends are always with her and I know for sure when she leaves for Canada next month, something bad will happen in her school again especially regarding financial matter.
What do you think I have to do now? Just forget the issue and forget she exists. I feel hate now... I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. It's like she's my biological mother but the rest is history. BTW, my sisters in Canada they feel the same thing. Although, they keep silent that's why they are still in good terms with our mother, unlike me.

[Krs]

Well, that you know your sisters feel the same way as you, and the reason why they are still on good terms with her because they have kept their mouth shut unlike you, then its obvious the issue is within your mum, not you.

You are smart enough to know this.

I doubt you can forget she exists, she is your mum, and you don't want to forget she exists.

The last thing you can do, is leave it for now, let her leave for Canada, and let her make the choice whether she wants to see you before she goes, if yes, good and try talk to her and if not when she settles in, I would write her a long letter ( as me personally I find expressing my feelings on paper come from my heart better then if I had to say it ) and write about everything.

[luvee]

I tried writing an email to her but she's not responding... no reply from her at all :( so frustrating.
Thanks for the help, you're right, il let it pass first like rest the case for a while, and wait for the time until she settles in...

[Krs]

Let her know she is losing a daughter, and see if she has any reaction to that.
I mean after all it is the truth!

She is treating you like like a complete outsider!

[luvee]

And the funny things here krs is, every time I'm texting her telling how sorry I was and all that, she lets her friends and her sisters and even my cousins know about it... its like the whole community know about it

[Krs]

Your mum has serious issues and problems.
She is sort of making fun of you. Which to me is unacceptable.

I would leave her, point blank... let her question herself...

[luvee]

:( the saddest part of truth. That's why I am hating here now... its sad having this kind of mother and in many ways, you are lucky. :) I'm taking this now as a lesson not to do the same thing with my children. Thanks for the advice. It do lighten my burden

[Krs]

Yes for sure, you learn from past experiences.

I wish I could help more, but if you need to talk you know where I am :)

[Kadehadaire]

In the end it is your mother who will lose out. You will have a big brilliant loving wonderful family, and she will have nothing. She will wish she had resolved the situation with you and not been so immature.

Perhaps all it needs is time.