[honeyhunter2006]

Hello Everyone.

I was starting in a relationship with someone. I was giving the situation 100% all along, and I honestly, even to this day feel she was doing the same. But obviously things have changed. Apparently about three weeks back, she gets a email from a old friend. Her former soul mate from at least 3 to 4 years earlier. They had split up for their reasons, they tried it again but didn't work, and then went their own ways. She tells me that having been back into contact recently has made her realize that she has unresolved issues that she never dealt with, and at this point she doesn't feel as though her heart isn't ready for a serious relationship after all, and needs some space to work things out in her head. Maybe I am stupid, but I do believe her when she says she is not getting involved with him again now, but what do I do. I feel that I might just possibly be the closest thing to her former soul mate who hurt her and now she is scared?? I don't know. I do not want to give up, although I can imagine a lot of people will tell me that. I want to make this relationship work for sure, but I don't want to screw it up and push her away. I've given her space, but how much space, how long? Help!

Thanks in advance for reading and to those who respond.

[jeffatl]

I would cut ALL contact with her on this one for your own good. You have to make her realize what she will be missing if she goes back with him. Be careful on this one. She will have her weak moments and probably call you saying "i miss you" and what not, but stay STRONG... its going to be HARD. You have to show her you're a MAN here bud. Be honest with her, but Don't KISS HER BUTT!! Some people just have a hard time letting go of their ex's and there is nothing you can really do about that... sorry. Ive had a few come back, and really had to strain from giving in. My guess is that things will yet again NOT work out with the ex, but I wouldn't wait around to find out. Girls will come and go my friend, you just can't let them stress you out so much... though its HARD sometimes. For now, I say let her go. You don't want a girl that is going to be thinking of someone else the whole time you are with her anyway, and my guess is that this will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind, so it would be hard to get back with her. Losing someone you love to another person is tuff, but more often than not that's the case. Be strong, show her what's she's missing by making her miss you. That's all you can do... best of luck!

[Wildcat21]

Yep... listen to Jeff - he knows.

BEST thing, IF you want her back, IS TO DISAPPEAR!! NOW.

NO CONTACT. MAKE HER REALIZE WHAT SHE IS MISISNG. Disappear!!

We're NOT saying give up... just leave her alone for 2 months. Leavre her alone.

Don'r return her calls, e-mails, or text for 2 months... nothing - IF you want a long term relationship with her.

[talaniman]

Yep....listen to Jeff - he knows.

BEST thing, IF you want her back, IS TO DISAPPEAR!!! NOW.

NO CONTACT. MAKE HER REALIZE WHAT SHE IS MISISNG. Disappear!!!

We're NOT saying give up....just leave her alone for 2 months. Leavre her alone.

Don'r return her calls, e-mails, or text for 2 months.....nothing - IF you want a long term relationship with her.

Don't fall into a trap with your emotions Wildcat and Jeff Are dead on. Take care of NO.1... YOU. NO CONTACT AT ALL go about your own life.

[p78]

That is indeed sad. It's always bad when the person with whom you're currently involved happens to still be tied up with someone else from the past. I'm currently enjoying a similair situation myself, lets say getting together with someone who has unresolved issues with her ex boyfriend who happens to be her roommate is not the best of scenarios.

How long have you been together? I'd like to advocate just packing your bags, but in my eyes it's a risky situation - she might realise what she's missing or she might get involved with her "former soulmate".

It's largely up to you whether you dare take the risk.

[Skell]

Mate, you have to listen to Jeff and Wildcat here and leave her alone. Do this for yoursefl as much as her. You need time to yuorself now. She has just dropped a bombshell on you and thinks have changed. You need to let her go and realise what she is considering here.
It doesn't mean it is over but right now look after YOU. She will only look after herself so you need to concentrate on YOU!

[honeyhunter2006]

Thanks for reading and responding folks. Definitely appreciated. Yes, as much as I'd like to do something, or say something to her in hopes that things were different, I'm not going there. It kills me, but I'm not contacting her and see what happens.
Thanks!

[Wildcat21]

Nothing you SAY will change her mind right now.

For the love of god! Not contact. It's the only way. Don't give her anything.

Be busy doing other things. If you want her back... give her space.

Hang with friends - work harder at work. WORKOUT. Date, YES date. Hang with your family. Hobbies. Travel. Religion.

[jeffatl]

I think the thing is... alot of times word say TOO MUCH! People don't want to be told "hey, you totally have me no matter what I pull". You need this gilr to respect you #1, and to get her to do that, you have to respect yourself first! Relationships will never totally come 100% clear to you, but that's because each one is different. The only way to get TURE happieness out of a relationship is not to change what YOU value from person to person, but LEARN how to acquire it from YOUR actions. I know, its total manipulation in a way... but I think you have to learn this in order to get what you want. I think that's what makes someone's first broken heart sooooo painful. You totally give yourself to someone, not knowing how "things work" and you can never really give that total 100% all ever again... but you shouldn't. This is where becoming an individual and a self sufficient adult comes into play. Learn how to stand on your own 2, and show this girl what she is missing out on... but DO NOT GO BACK TO HER!! If you do, my guess is you will regret it, and she will OWN you!

[YeloDasy]

It sounds like you really like this person, and want to make it work. But it also sounds like she is confused and isn't going to make you #1 right now. So I agree that backing off for now is a good idea. And yeah, saying too much can be a negative thing, or at least a null and void conversation that just wastes your energies that can be spent doing something more valuable. Whatever you want to say to her, my guess is she knows already. So use your emotaional energy on something more productive! Have some fun!

[honeyhunter2006]

Hey Thanks again.

When she told me all this over a week ago, I did at first respond. I didn't blabber on, just said basically if she has feelings for her ex then deal with them, get back together with him if she wanted to even though I figured it wouldn't work but she has to make up her mind. Not me. I said if this was good bye, then good bye it was. I said the ball was in her court. Wished her luck and that was pretty much it. 2 days later she wrote me back, and it did seem as though she had a slightly different tone to things, and I felt as though she was possibly looking for me to respond again and try and convince her or somethng?? Don' know. Women!! Sorry ladies. I did not respond, still haven't and that is pretty much it to this point. A part of me tells me I shouldn't have written her that first and only time but I did, and receiving her response a couple days later made things a little better. We used to be in contact numerous times a day before all this. I feel that she is having a hard time dealing with things too ( or should I say I hope so), and not being in touch with me might be as hard or harder on her. Who knows Lol! Anyway, she is the one missing out at this point. Her loss!

[K_3]

When someone in a relationship says they need space to think things out, when that relationship has been going well, generally means they need time out to see someone else and see which one they want to be with. You are smart in backing off and not letting her play you while she is testing the waters elsewhere. She wants to keep you as a back up plan. No one know what their agenda was or is, but 4 yrs should be enough time to get over issues. You need to move on.

[Wildcat21]

Good news is it was already BROKE once with them... somethings a lot women tend to forget - women only remember the good for the most part. Eventually she WILL remember why they aren't together. Trust me.

But I don't like the idea that you're the back up plan either... that's horrible.

IF she comes back... you need to HAVE A SPINE and set boundries.

BUT, do you always want this guy in the back of her mind? She may always think about him... maybe in reality they shouldn't be together - but in her mind they should.

You tell her under no certain circumstances that it should be OVER between the two of them.

[s_cianci]

Give her all the space she needs. That means forgetting about her for a while. Wait until she comes chasing you, which will happen if it's meant to be. If she doesn't want to lose you, she won't. Meanwhile, call it quits for now, at least as far as you're concerned and meet and date new people. Once you start breaking away from her and she sees that you don't need her and can get along fine without her I have a feeling she'll be right back in your life where you want her.

[valinors_sorrow]

How you get treated by this woman will depend on you. If someone is not done with their ex, that tends to cross them off my list. Dating is really for the ones who are available and she isn't. While I can understand the confusion after a break up, its because of the potential for this that many people take some time after a break up (instead of jumping in to the next one like some desperado) to get their heads and hearts straightened out.

It is inconsiderate to the prospective partner to be available one minute and not the next and then maybe again. Ugh! I believe quality people don't play that game. There really are people who handle themselves much much better than this out there -- I meet them all the time. Please keep that in mind when you hear yourself making her out to be so special. If her kind of special means to you that you must play second fiddle, then you will very likely play that second fiddle. It really does work that way, I am not making that up-- you only need look around to see it?