[scarletgirl]

I just want to update for anyone that has helped me (THANK YOU!) and anyone that is going through this... listen to the advice others listed above.

So my situation got worse. I took the advice above and found a counselor. He is good and after a month or so of treatment, I notice myself being way more empowered and feeling like there is hope. I can't tell you how long it has been. However, I confronted my brother and he keeps saying in reply that it is my fantasy. I guess the little girl in me wants to believe him and at times I think could it be that this really didn't happen. It totally happened. So, my reply has been lets take a polygraph, both of us. He stopped talking to me after that and stopped saying it was fantasy. So, perhaps for once I have the upperhand. The sad thing is he has pitted my family against me, once again... and so I am moving out and moving on. Lots has changed and I sure hope I'm doing the right thing. Thanks again for everyone's advice!

Thank you everyone!

[JusticeKid]

You really should get counceling and its an pity that he would behave in that manner, well ignore him.

Those can be signs of jealousy, or he's just immature and obnoxious.

Take care of yourself.

-Justice

P.S * Nothing personal the way I'm talking about your brother, just the way I think it is.

[Butterflew]

Thank you all SO VERY MUCH!

After all these years of being bottled up and afraid to say anything, posting this and getting these replies has been a huge relief... and at times i'm nervous... mixed feelings, but most importantly it has been SO HELPFUL to read your words. THANK YOU!

Well, to answer a few questions...

I dont believe he hurt anyone else. My brother and I were model children and now adults. My brother has done so many good samaritin things that make me realize he is a loving person. (which is even more the reason why i can't understand why he hates me).

Every one thought of our family as 'perfect'. My brother's relationships are all good from what I understand. Not one girlfriend has left him and not come back to be friends. Every single person he dated has remained friends that i know of. He just recently married and I refused to go to his wedding. It was out of town and he did not invite me directly and I only found out about it last minute through my father and frankly I did not want to go. Of course everyone has created a stink over this.

At the first episodes I was 3 and 4, so my brother was 7 and 8 years old. We were left with nannys and had plenty of free time. Perhaps someone abused him I thought. How would he know these things? We were not sure.

At the last episode i as 12/13 and he was 16/17. I remember specifically at the time he was dating some model who was 23 and my parents were making a big stink about why a 22 year old would want to go out with a 16 year old. He was very popular at school and such.

The reason I can't go to counseling is because we are connected to what some would say is a "household name". I already tried going 60 miles out of L.A. with the last doctor but then found out they knew us more quickly. I have learned through my life is that even if they are bound by laws of confidentiality that they seem to can't be quiet to tell friends etc of who they 'know'. I can't take that chance anymore.

Report him? I cant. I carry huge guilt of the happiness of my family (I do not know why after the way they treat me). My parents reaction when they found out was a shocker. It seemed like I became an outkast of the family at that point. After that my dad would never hug me or say he loved me (our family always told each other how we love you etc. at that point it just stopped with my father, who is my world in many ways). So i couldnt imagine any more pain in that way.

I appreciate seeing my brother as 'human' more than a 'criminal'. I know he feels bad for it and I think he was acting out perhaps. Not that i am justifying it but I am just trying to deal with the pain of all this and the way he continue to treats me and why i even care how he treats me. However, I dont want to hurt any one. I just really want to get past this and feel love and not want to die that 1% of the time.

I suppose I am messed up but thank you so much for your comments. I do appreciate it and am considering all the great ideas you've listed.

Hi Scarlet, Im new here. Ive never gone public with any of my details. This is my first time. I too have gone through the same as you... my brother is now a minister. A very good person, so the guilt of dealing with this is overwhelming, no one would ever believe me, even if I tried. Well, thank you for posting. The best of luck to you.
Cheers.

[ashamed3]

Your story is very similar to mine. My brother was 3 years older and I was so desperate for attention and affection that I did what he asked. Then I think he was so ashamed or afraid I would tell, that he became verbally abusive. My mom is also dead and my dad stands up for my brother's actions. We never talk about what happened and I only see my brother at Christmas. He drinks heavily now and I wonder if it is because of me and what he did to me. I feel I can't go to counciling and wonder if it would even help if I did. My husband is awesome, knows what happened and is supportive. He is so great that I want to get better for him. I want to trust him enough to have a better relationship, but I get so scared that I quit trying in the bedroom. I also keep having thoughts of being with other men, even though I haven't and would never cheat on him. I wonder why I desire other guys when my husband is nothing but understanding and loving. Any ideas?
Were you able to get help without conciling?

[Butterflew]

Ive' been able to trust a peer who has gone through a similar experience. We went through a couple of weeks of just listening to each others stories and figuring things out. This has worked wonders for me. As well as confiding in my dear Husband many times, and still being loved no matter what I have been through. Unconditional love goes a heck of a long way for healing. Ive been to counseling for issues that were related to but not about the issue with my brother. We get along very well, I love him a lot. It makes me wonder if he ever remembers what happened. Councel is a good idea, peer counselling is an excellent choice as well. You can speak with other survious and it helps you to not feel alone and guilty as much when you realize that many of them reacted the same way you did. I hope this helps. Good luck.

[ashamed3]

Thank-you for your support. I just told my husband today that I was ready to start dealing. It is amazing how supportive and how much he loves me unconditionally. I appreciate your advice. Writing about it here I think is a good start, especially knowing others have gone through the same thing. As I read more about it, I am amazed at how it has affected me and I didn't even know it. When you went to counciling, was it okay or were parts unbearable? I feel that I am dealing well as long as I don't face the issues too much. I am pretty scared of going full force and taking it all on.

[Lucky098]

I think you need to forgive your brother.

I'm not a psychologist, not a therapist... but, I do know that forgivness is the best remedy.

Am I saying that he was right? God no! He was very wrong. Its apparent your alone in this fight.. Instead of standing and screaming in a room where no one can hear you... Let it go. Forgive him. Forgive him for being a weak person.. Forgive him for not being able to find true happiness in life... that the only way he can feel content is to make you miserable.

Forgiving him for his actions isn't going to be quick. ITs not going to be words that come from your mouth that his ears can hear. In fact, you don't even have to tell him anything. Within your own mind... Your own soul, let go of the past, even though it was devastating, and move forward with your life. It seems like you have a lot of potential, don't let someone take that from you!

Forgiving your brother will also allow yourself to grow within yourself. Make yourself be stronger! Do what makes you happy! Learn to love with all of your heart and soul! Don't let him steal that away from you! Which is exactally what he is accomplishing right now. He stole your childhood, he stole your innocense... Don't let him steal your life.

If you feel as if you need to speak with a therapist, don't let anyone stand in your way. This is your life. Take control of it. If your parents can't understand and reason with what has happened to you and basically looked the other way, then screw it. Why should you give up your life, your happiness for people who aren't there for you when your most vulnerable.

Sometimes, your most darkest moments lead you to where you want to be. Sometime you need to hit rock bottom before you realize that your life is more important than anyone else's.

Please don't end your life because of what your brother did to you. If you kill yourself because of him, than you just gave him all the power in the world.

I'm a spiteful B****... I would stay alive just to piss him off ;) And I would be happy while I do it!

Try and find the small things in life that make you happy right now. Recovering from an injury as big as yours does take time. Prove to the world that you are a strong, smart and capable woman!

[JuanitaPPS]

Lucky098 – you are awesome! That’s great advice. I know from experience forgiveness is the best solution. Everything you said is exactly how I’ve learned to cope with the abuse I experienced from my brother as a child.
My brother is 7 years older than me and did some sexual things to me a few times when I was between 5 & 6 years old. Once I was old enough to realize how his past abuse was negatively affecting my life, I refused to allow his hurtful actions rule me. In order to do that, I had to forgive him in my own mind. I never confronted him because I feel this is something he has to come to terms with on his own. Well it seems as though that time has come. I found this website because I received a phone call from my brother today asking if he could have a talk with me tonight. We don’t talk much except for family gatherings. Considering he’s in AA and working on his 12 steps, I know part of his healing process is confronting things he did in his past and asking for forgiveness. He’s struggled with hard drugs pretty much all his life. To put things in perspective, he’ll be 40 this year, tried his 1st drug at 8 years old and was hooked by 18. He’s been in and out of rehab, never taking it seriously. He finally hit rock bottom when the whole family cut him off and now he’s been sober for the longest time in his adult life and is very active in AA. I can only assume he is on his step where he needs to ask for forgiveness.
I know his drug use and inability to stay sober comes from the guilt of what he did to me as a child and of course all of the other bad things he’s done throughout the years. I don’t believe he ever touched another child, but he’s done some downright evil things in his life. Anyone who is not in denial and has a serious addict in their life will understand that in order for an addict to get their next fix they will lie, steal, cheat, hurt & manipulate anyone and everyone in their life…including sweet ole grandma. He’s got a lot of demons to deal with in order to heal. What he did to me has haunted him all his life and I’m relieved to know he’s finally confronting this demon. I may have let it go, but he’s still struggling. This gives me hope that in his 40 years of life, he is finally serious about staying sober.
Of course there’s a lot more to my story, but what it boils down to is I found a way to forgive him in order to move on with my life. When I was 22 and 23 I lost 3 people who were very close to me, including my father. Those losses made me realize life is too short to be unhappy. Throughout my 20’s I took a good long look at my life and realized I had to let go of past hurts and forgive in order to find the happiness I was seeking. It wasn’t easy and at first I tried to cope with alcohol, marijuana and/or pills. That didn’t work and I saw myself going down the wrong path so I went through therapy, got on and off anti-depressants & read many self help books. I learned to understand there is no quick fix. I’m still learning, growing and healing every day. I’ve come a long way and I know I’m lucky to have the chance to get closure on this issue tonight.
I don’t really have any additional advice, I just hope by telling my story I can help someone realize that forgiveness is sometimes the best therapy. Once you find the ability to forgive you will move on towards living a full and happy life.
My brother is 7 years older than me and did some sexual things to me a few times when I was between 5 & 6 years old. Once I was old enough to realize how his past abuse was negatively affecting my life, I refused to allow his hurtful actions rule me. In order to do that, I had to forgive him in my own mind. I never confronted him because I feel this is something he has to come to terms with on his own. Well it seems as though that time has come. I found this website because I received a phone call from my brother today asking if he could have a talk with me tonight. We don’t talk much except for family gatherings. Considering he’s in AA and working on his 12 steps, I know part of his healing process is confronting things he did in his past and asking for forgiveness. He’s struggled with hard drugs pretty much all his life. To put things in perspective, he’ll be 40 this year, tried his 1st drug at 8 years old and was hooked by 18. He’s been in and out of rehab, never taking it seriously. He finally hit rock bottom when the whole family cut him off and now he’s been sober for the longest time in his adult life and is very active in AA. I can only assume he is on his step where he needs to ask for forgiveness.
I know his drug use and inability to stay sober comes from the guilt of what he did to me as a child and of course all of the other bad things he’s done throughout the years. I don’t believe he ever touched another child, but he’s done some downright evil things in his life. Anyone who is not in denial and has a serious addict in their life will understand that in order for an addict to get their next fix they will lie, steal, cheat, hurt & manipulate anyone and everyone in their life…including sweet ole grandma. He’s got a lot of demons to deal with in order to heal. What he did to me has haunted him all his life and I’m relieved to know he’s finally confronting this demon. I may have let it go, but he’s still struggling. This gives me hope that in his 40 years of life, he is finally serious about staying sober.
Of course there’s a lot more to my story, but what it boils down to is I found a way to forgive him in order to move on with my life. When I was 22 and 23 I lost 3 people who were very close to me, including my father. Those losses made me realize life is too short to be unhappy. Throughout my 20’s I took a good long look at my life and realized I had to let go of past hurts and forgive in order to find the happiness I was seeking. It wasn’t easy and at first I tried to cope with alcohol, marijuana and/or pills. That didn’t work and I saw myself going down the wrong path so I went through therapy, got on and off anti-depressants & read many self help books. I learned to understand there is no quick fix. I’m still learning, growing and healing every day. I’ve come a long way and I know I’m lucky to have the chance to get closure on this issue tonight.
I don’t really have any additional advice, I just hope by telling my story I can help someone realize that forgiveness is sometimes the best therapy. Once you find the ability to forgive you will move on towards living a full and happy life.

[fredericks]

OMG! At 17 he sure as hell knew what he was doing. I feel so sorry for you scarlet girl. Def. get counceling, get it off your chest. If anything he should be trying to make up for what he did. Treating you the way that he is must make you feel like it was your fault in some sort of sick way. Your not to blame hear hunny. Don't let him get you down, and the next time he says something innapropriate, you fire back, don't be bashfull. Let him know that what he did to you was not OK, and hopefully he hasn't done this too anyone else. He has boundary issues, you on the other hand are just the victim, and need to talk.

[fredericks]

He knew what he was doing, stand up to him and don't let him do this to anyone else hunny.

[hk090105]

I really don't know what to say I'm sorry to hear about you and your brother. I had the same thing but with my really close first cousin and I'm still learning how to cope with it I guess all I can say is that taking counseling is good but with someone who doesn't know your parents also it helps when you have close friends to help take away the pain a little all you can do is tell your bro to **** off and that just because you didn't let him have it his way doesn't mean he has to be such a jerk because he sees that by putting you down you won't say anything but he's wrong threaten him if you have to tell him that if he doesn't stop that you'll report it so that everyone will know that should scare him a bit and if not get a restraining order on him just because he's your brother doesn't mean he deserves to be let off easy. When he bugs you just relax walk away and count to ten and think about your future and not about him trust me karma always gets them back you just worry about yourself and making yourself happy kk I wish you the best and wish me luck too seriously I need it because right now its like no one understands me but I know things will get better I have faith . :)

[hk090105]

Hey me again one more thing that your really guna need just like I forgave my cousin even though what he did was wrong I know that hell get his just focus on yourself and don't pay any attention to him be strong always there are millions of girls like us and we all have to stick together always get counseling take a breather and don't pay any attention to him he made you miserable as a child don't let him do it again don't give him that satisfaction hunny stay strong with love hk aka hello kitty090105

[shenmintai]

Those who's wound has healed and formed a scar is at a different stage to those who are still feeling the dagger. As long as your brother continues to disrespect you and turning your family against you the wound is fresh and bloody. Nobody in here is in a position to tell you to forgive nor should you force yourself to forgive. No matter how lovely and beautiful forgiveness has bore fruit to others, you're looking at somebody else's rainbow after somebody else's storm. That lady has a loving husband, a pillar for support and the perpetrator asked her for forgiveness out of guilt. Was it the same for you? The so called guilt felt by your brother has long turned into frustration and anger directed at you the victim! He is taking it out on you. He blames you. He degrades you. Yet none none of this is your fault. So why allow him to relieve his sin at your expense. Your brother wants you to get over it ASAP. Why? Because like everyone else he thinks if you did then everything will change for the better. Because you are a constant reminder!

Your brother tells you it's a hallucination because he thinks he can get away with it. No more fuss. You think he is suffering from guilt and crying a river during the time he refused to talk to you. However have you thought he might not be thinking about you at all. By not talking to you and not seeing you, he is trying to forget you and move on happily. How can you let that happen? Let him move on before you could. Redemption should be earned. Forgiveness is a power bestowed to you alone and to used by your decision. Your brother betrayed you. Your family betrayed you from the moment they begged you not to report him they have already sided with him. They allowed and prolonged your suffering for whom? Fingers pointed you know who caused all this pain and suffering. Your brother? No. unfortunately not just your brother, its them all. Have you ever asked yourself if you decide to bring your brother to justice will the rest of your family be willing to tell the truth with regard to what the doctors said that day and explain the non-reporting of the incident? Or will they continue to deny it and take his side? Then try and ask them this same question. If they try to weasel out then tell them its hypothetical and demand an answer. No one deserve to build happiness by burying someone else's suffering.

[scarletgirl]

Wow, this is very good. Thank you for all this! Its painful to hear but its totally what I needed to hear. I have since tried to move on and anytime he or my father disrespect me, I speak up LOUD and CLEAR and I tell them I will not stand for it. Of course they've labeled me as emotional, erratic and crazy at times but at least they watch what they say in my presence and to me.
Thank you for this!

[hopeful94]

I was abused by my brother too and am having some of the same problems you are having if you ever need some one to talk to I'm here... and I didn't tell anyone for a long time either but you need to tell some one if you need any advise from some one who has been there

Admin edit: removed email address.

[Sharonktalo]

I believe your parents should be ashamed for not turning him in and then turn the guilt on to you for what? For doing the right thing and telling. Their reputation trumped their daughter's emotions and hurt. Your brother needs to be locked up in a prison because God only knows how many other girls have become victims to his abuse which could have been prevented if your parents did their job all those years back, whether they were embarrassed of ashamed it does not help to protect a human that is forcefully abusing a child. These men are a different breed and this seems like normal behavior the sad thing is though is they are everywhere and most of them are our dads, brothers, stepbrothers, uncles, grandpa's etc.. And the more victims they abuse the more likley those victims will become abusers too, doing what they have learned. Sex abuse should not be shameful for the victim is should be shameful for the sick twisted individual that thought it was OK to ask that child to take her clothes off, they should all be castrated with a black tatooed forehead that says I AM A MOLESTER!!

[pinksss]

My older brother pulled me under the sheets one time when I was little, he laid on top of me with clothes on , and although I had no idea what he was doing all I remember was thinking that whatever was happening felt good. I was about 7 or 8 , he was about 14 or 15. I remember thinking I wished he would do it again, but thinking back on it, it was because I longed for his attention. He was older and hardly paid attention to me and I adored him. I am now married, and my brother moved out as soon as he graduated high school and went into the army, now he is high ranking. I see parallels in our stories, where our brothers feel they need to convey perfection, and like you I have suffered with deep depression and always trying to be perfect myself , dealing with self image issues even currently.

I thank God it only happened once, and that my brother moved away. I love my family too but haven't had the courage to share this with anyone in my family. Up until lately I used to think I imagined it. One time I was drunk with my husband and the subject of molestation came up I started bawling , he was so confused, and I told him I didn't want to admit to something I wasn't sure if it had happened, but why would I imagine it? Sure I wanted my brother's attention but at 7 that sort of stuff didn't come to my mind. I am so afraid of him denying it , worse, breaking my mom's heart. I know my brother has serious issues, and that's perhaps why I haven't said anything.

I feel our brothers have issues, and have left deep scars in us, for wanting attention, we were preyed upon, and feel guilty, which has turned into self-inflicting wounds. Trust me, even being married this has not left me, its still deep in my heart and I try very hard to bury it, but it comes up , and many times I feel I should get counseling , but I feel I didn't have it as bad as people who actually got raped. But you and I have got to stop neglecting the hurt they caused by not talking about it... it's good you are talking about it here. And this is the FIRST time I open up about my own brother.

One time I wrote him an email while he was in Iraq, telling him I forgave him for anything he may have done wrong but I just wanted to be close to him. He wrote back and completely didn't even go there, which made me feel crazy, like I did imagine these things because he didn't admit any guilt to anything... I hope to one day tell my husband because he is my best friend, and hopefully he can help me move forward, without my brother's admittance. I think what bothers me the most is that he opened me up to be curious about molestation, sometimes I want to read about it or watch it because it reassures me that Im not the only crazy one that enjoyed something sexual with her brother, and it's sick. In my mind I know it's sick. But that's what he did to me and that's why it bothers me so much, and why I'm so angry with him at times, for pretending to be perfect and hearing my family say things that he has led them to believe he's perfect. Because I know the truth, but then again, neither am I .

I am still very confused at times, as you can see...

[LOVE27]

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION AND IM SCARED TO COME CLEAN TO MY FAMILY>>>THEy HATE ME>>>MY BROTHER WAS 4 years older than me and I think my uncle played a role in this happening to me... I suppressed this for so long it has made me depressed, I know no one will believe me.. none of my family at least... I feel like I'm going insane and maybe want to end my life somedays... He has his on life but my life with a man I seem to hate them because of my brother and my uncle... How could they molest me and try to be in my face... I hate them I hate them I hate them... I think my brother is sorry for what he did but it will never get rid of my scorn spirit.. I cry and I don't think of it as much... im glad I posted this... I hate both of them with a passion now they want to be holy into church... I HATE THEM

[misspixie]

Hi Scarletgirl,

I relate to your situation. Therapy can help a great deal if the therapist is a good fit, and I wouldn't worry about the therapist doing so much as to even confirm that you are a client - you could sue them for breach of confidentiality and win. They would also face professional censure. You have more control over the therapy relationship than you may realize. At the outset the therapist should give you a signed contract promising to protect your privacy. Just to REALLY drive the point home, you can even write up something additional, in your own words, reiterating your right to privacy - even among other therapists. (Often therapists seek input from their peers.) An ethical therapist will respect and honor your concerns.

However you choose to proceed, please don't base your healing on the condition that your brother apologize to you. That would be giving him control of your life. The reality is that he knew what he did was wrong, and he tries to cope with it by minimizing your worth as a human being. His character is flawed, and he's a coward for not owning up to the harm he caused you. Some people - even if they are family - are best not kept in your life. I know this goes against convention, but conventional families don't conspire to protect the abuser.

Stay strong, and take gentle care of yourself. I'm impressed that in spite of everything you've been through, you've been able to function as well as you have been. Although healing is possible, the abuse has changed you and you face the formidable challenge of learning how to live with those experiences. Notice I didn't say "move on". Abusers love to say it, just like they love to say their victim is crazy.

Xo
MissPixie

[Butterflew]

WOW!! You're a trooper. Im sorry, but my experience is so similar it's scary! Only my brother is 5 years older and is a minister. He travels around the world and is very popular, I too wouldn't want to affect him, his family (kids) and the rest of the family by bringing the dirty secret out. My brother was "always right" which made me feel crazy! Very condesending and controlling. My parents were always so proud of him, and I was the one with "problems". I have wasted my life trying to prove to them that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am smart and successful... to no avail. As far as they are all concerned, I'm too soft and have issues. I think even if I mention it (the incidents) now, it would not matter, my word would hold no weight with any of them. Don't give up on yourself! You are worth sooooo much! Life has a way of turning around somehow and will always find a way to thrive.. . a blad of grass will slowly and gracefully push its way through the hardest concrete, and will find its way to the sun... so will you, hang in there.

Love and Peace