[Robert7x]

I need an advice... Even though I know what the advice will be... I still need to hear it... or in this case read it. Here is the story and I'll try to keep it short:

Knew a friend of mine for about a year and a half... We were OK friends, nothing special... She's 23 and I'm 26... Basically, lately I became attracted to her (yeah, it happens to some, I know) and I told her that at one point... I really never ever got a good answer from her... but it was in the lines of she doesn't want to loose me as a friend... which I knew. I think I started slowly to just see her as a friend at that point...

Then, we started getting really close to each other, like talking daily and crap like that, mostly initiated by her. One night we went on a date... kind of her suggestion.. it was maybe 2 weeks after I told her my feelings. We made out and had a great night... Since then we still go out on dates and every night finishes the same. I mean she likes me, I can see it... she probably wants to be with me, but I have no idea what the problem is.

Here is the twist where everything kind of pissed me off... Every friend of ours sees us the way we are and they ask if we're together, Her answer is always: Nothing is going on between us and we're just friends... That just makes me mad. Friends don't do what we do... At least not where I'm from... Everybody sees what I see when we're together... I mean when we're alone it's like it's only her and me... but with everyone else it's different...

Last night I went out with her but there was also another friend of ours, and of course it was all weird for me because I couldn't be around her the way I am... Then them 2 start talking about other guy there and stuff... I mean it's eating me alive...

I don't know what kind of game she's playing... I mean if she's worried she'll loose me as a friend if we try it... She'll loose me the other way too because as much as I try to be around her when we're out in a group, it's just too damn painfull. I'm actually so in love with this girl that it's killing me... And I know she has feelings for me too... maybe not like me, but there is something there.

So just lay it out on me... I know what the advice is... but I need to see it... and maybe there is a solution to all this rather then cutting it all of.

Thanks a lot.

[talaniman]

Your moving way to far ahead in this thing, and to emotionally invested.

Just because you play kissy face with a friend, and go out, doesn't mean its gotten to the stage your an item.

Its a RED FLAG that you can't relax, and enjoy this time, without getting a bit jealous, and confused by the public interactions.

I really think you should relax and keep your life balanced, and have some fun, without the high expectations.

Your just friends, having a good time, Thats IT!! Relax, and see what happens, without your mind playing tricks on you. More will be revealed later so DON'T ASSUME!!

[Robert7x]

Buddy, I can't do that. I know that's exactly my problem... But I don't know how to do this. I feel like time is ticking away and I'm just getting older.

You're quote says it all about how you shouldn't need a relationship to be happy... But for some screwed up reason I feel like I do. And yes, I am getting too emotionally invested... You've been around here long enough and I know you know what you are talking about... Give me an advice... How do I do it? How do I stop always overanalyzing things and getting myself all worked up over nothing when I should be enjoying my life...

[rudetome]

OK you want to hear it or read it you think she's playing a game there is your problem you need to be nice for her forever. Sounds like you are the one with the problem.Thats not nice

[rudetome]

Yes I know about rude people who think they are the worlds gift to god ,I hate to say it but I learned what I don't want in a person if I have to spend the rest of my life with and I don't have to do that either. And do I regret meeting them ? You betcha bottom dollar.

[Fr_Chuck]

You are moving at one speed her another. For myself, dating is just that, time to date but does not mean you are a couple you are just going out

[Robert7x]

Dating is not what buggs me... It's the fact that we're hiding... and not by my choice, but by hers.

And yeah, I am the one with the problem.

Thank you.

[kctiger]

Robert, I am a lot like you. I am an accountant, so I tend to over analyze every single detail, which takes away the enjoyment that life has to offer sometimes. My advice, just enjoy things, the way they are, and let the river flow as it may. The more you complicate and over think certain situations, the less you enjoy them. If you constantly spend the entire time you are dating someone looking for a certain thing, you will NEVER enjoy the thing that is right in front of your eyes.

Relax, enjoy, and let the cards fall where they may.

[talaniman]

Buddy, I can't do that. I know that's exactly my problem... But I don't know how to do this. I feel like time is ticking away and I'm just getting older.

Back off her, and do other things besides be with her. Relax with friends family, work, hobbies. YOU TIME!!

Just because your getting older doesn't mean rush headlong into a brick wall your creating!

Take your time to do things right, and enjoy the results. Above all, stop saying what you can't do, and do what you have to!!!

How long have you been going out?

[Robert7x]

Thanks a lot for everything. You're words are the words of wisdom and I really mean it when I say thank you.

I've known her a little over a year and for the past 2 months this all has been going on... but lately... probably 2-3 weeks is when dating started...

God, I just wish I can enjoy life and not worry about things... I wish it was like a PC where I can just download software and make it work :(

[roxypox]

I can totally see why hiding would bother you, and its hard to say what her intentions are, seeing as she's the only one who can know this.

But for you personally, you need to relax! You said you feel you need a relationship to be happy... well first of all liberate yourself from that thought!

What are you happy about in your life?
Good friends?
Family?
Good food?
Traveling?
Hobbies or sports?
Work/school, maybe both?

Do you really need a relationship to complete you?

Secondly, seeing as you are all ready too emotionally invested in her, could you maybe use the feeling of being in love and focus on the positive sides of it? To be in love is a wonderful emotion... and maybe you should focus on the feeling rather then who that feeling is directed towards... because way too often it can be spoiled by worries and negative thoughts...

You also need to liberate yourself from the expectations and wishes you have connected to this... It can help if you try to reprogram the way you think about her... you are just two people who are having fun, whether you are by yourself or with other people. Try to focus on that

And when it is only the two of you, try to push all those negative thoughts and worries out of your mind and try to live in the now. E.g. right now I'm having a good time, right now I'm having fun!

As for other people, don't worry about what they think. People have a way of butting into things they have no business butting into. Don't let it stress you out! (like right now I'm seeing this guy and I met him because he is a friend of my brother, and I was worried at first that my brother and their friends was going to start asking questions about us hanging out or whatever, but luckily they haven't because they know its non of their business.) So when people ask, you should be up front as well, don't let her do all the answering... say, hey we're just friends and we're hanging out.

Do yourself a favor and uncomplicated things in your mind! As for her and other guys, I'm sorry to say this, but it really non of your business... you need to swallow the jealousy the moment it rises, because she can do what ever she wants to do...

And if you can't resolve this within yourself, then maybe you need to stop hanging out with her when its just the two of you...

Hope this helped a bit! ;)

[Robert7x]

Robert, I am a lot like you. I am an accountant, so I tend to over analyze every single detail, which takes away the enjoyment that life has to offer sometimes. My advice, just enjoy things, the way they are, and let the river flow as it may. The more you complicate and over think certain situations, the less you enjoy them. If you constantly spend the entire time you are dating someone looking for a certain thing, you will NEVER enjoy the thing that is right in front of your eyes.

Relax, enjoy, and let the cards fall where they may.

I wish it was that easy... I really want to do all that, but it's stronger then me I think. I don't know how to relax and not think about stuff... I'm just so anxious about certain things and that's wrong way to live this life.

Thanks a lot.

[roxypox]

God, I just wish i can enjoy life and not worry about things... I wish it was like a pc where i can just download software and make it work :(

Personally, I don't think that a persons mind set and way of thinking and acting is that different from a PC... it just requires time, patience and effort. For you to change the way you act and think about pretty much anything, you need to see the problem and what you wish to change and then find a way to change it.

I have done this the expensive way, lol, I see a psychologist and that works out really good for me. While others don't get that much out of it.

And with her help I've managed to change a lot of things in my life, and my way of thinking, AMHD has been good as well... B/c there are a lot of wise and experienced people in here. ;)

So I think you can change your way of thinking, and you have all ready identified the 'problem', now you need to find a way to deal with it and try to think about what it is you want in life... and then try to find a way of changing the way you think. ;)

As for anxiety... that's why I started seeing a psychologist.. because I suffer from anxiety... and when it comes to being anxious you really just need to find someway of dealing with it that works for you.

And like KC said, you need to go with the flow... and that can be hard, but maybe what you need to do right now is to put the girl in question out of your mind, just let go of it and start working with the problems with in you.. besides maybe you're not ready right now to be with her or anyone else...


PS: like another poster said: the first thing you need to do is stop with the I CAN'T! and start fresh with I CAN! ;)

[Robert7x]

Awsome post. Thank you very much. For my own good, I know I have to do something about it.

I'll start working on myself... Who knows maybe I'll find a solution that will actually stick this time.

[roxypox]

Awsome post. Thank you very much. For my own good, i know i have to do something about it.

I'll start working on myself... Who knows maybe i'll find a solution that will actually stick this time.

;)

Yeah in the long run I really do think it will be for your own good. Just imagine, you can have fun instead of worrying ;)

I think you can find a solution... what I've found is that once you actually change your way of thinking its changed, of course new 'problems' may arise... but that's life... good times, bad times.


I used to be where you are by the way, over analyzing, worrying being unsure, insecure etc. And I do have to give props to several of AHMD mmbrs, because they helped me change it by being a 100% honest with me and telling me to relax and just stop the worrying and to go have fun (like some have told you now) ;) and with the guy I'm seeing right now I have been able to do just that.. relax, enjoy and have fun... OL and I don't analyze every word or tone of voice ;) Its quite liberating to be frank with you.

Remember though, it takes time! And work, but there is hope :p lol if there is hope for me then there is hope for you LOL

Good luck:cool:!

[Robert7x]

Thank you... but I have a little update concerning this girl...

She came over, we were watching a movie all was fine... We started making out and it was getting kind of hot... but nothing sexual... Then 10min later she tells me this is not right and we need to stop.

"We're just friends and I'm still thinking about the other guy" (which is a guy that she was with for about a month... and he's in another country about 10k miles away)

What a blow to my face... See I didn't analyze anything this time... it overanaylized itself :-)

Now I'm afraid that things are going to get weird between us... I don't know what to do... I guess I set myself up for another heartbreak. It's just been one thing after another for me... but that's another story.

Thank you all for reading and being there for me. It really means a lot to me.

R

[talaniman]

You did set yourself up, and its more what your doing, than what she is doing. Your allowing her to get you in these situations, and that's not smart or healthy. You must heal, before you can even think of being friends.

That where strict No Contact comes in, or you could keep the false hope going, and be miserable and confused, as you are now.

[Robert7x]

Oh man... not the NC Again... Do you think there is any chance I would be OK with seeing her but moving on? Probably not... right?

All the feelings will come back, I'll become jelous if she talks to someone else and stuff like that... Right?

[talaniman]

Right you are.

[roxypox]

Yeah, tals advice is right on the spot.

To be friends and to see her after this, when you are as emotionally involved as you are will most likely be horrible for you emotionally!

The situation in itself sucx though! But luckily we can all learn from our mistakes and hardship ;) (YES I'm a -the glas is half ful kida girl ;))