[Elfbwillow]

I was told after 3 years of trying for a baby that I had only a 1% chance of ever having children due to medical problems. I was deverstated as I always wanted children, as was my husband. The one person who was there for both of us was my dad. He and my mum had been divorced since I was 6 but I spent a lot of my time with him - he and my mum had a big age gap and my dad was in his 70's when he died. Yes, I know some people will say that is a good age, though to me it wasn't. Im 26 now and this was November 2007 - on my sisters birthday.

My dad had always said it would happen - we would fall pregnant and a few months before I actually did he told me it would be a girl when we did.

When we found that I was pregnant by some miracle - my dad was so happy though a couple of months before my due date my dad was in and out of hospital and then 4 weeks before my daughter was due we got the devastating news that he had terminal cancer.

I have a brother and sister though my brother never came down more than once and my sister had a small baby at the time and so it was me who stayed with dad every day morning to night, sorting medication, helping him with pain and sickness, helping him eat and just being there. Im not complaining at all - I am glad it was me who was with him those last few weeks though it was so hard being fully pregnant knowing my dad was dying. There was so much I wanted to say and ask his forgivness as I had my mum give me away at my wedding - it should have been him (I know I upset him badly) something I am finding hard to live with though my dad didn't want to talk about it and I had to respect his wishes.

He tried so hard to hang on even though he was going downhill fast. He didn't want to go back into hospital so nurses came around every morning to help me for 10 minutes. It was the thought of meeting his grandaughter that kept him going - he kept talking about her and I prayed they would meet though after 4 weeks after finding out he was dying, my dad lost his battle. He hung on until he was in so much pain and I told him it was OK to go to sleep. It was soon after that he died. We had been in the room the whole time until we popped out for 1 minute and came back and knew he was gone - I will never forgive myself for not being in the room that last moment and I hope that dad knows that

My daughter was 2 weeks late and was born the day before my dads funeral. One day I'm welcoming my daughter into the wold and the next saying a final goodbye to my dad.

Even though I'm so happy with my daughter and husband, Im still grieving badly a year on. It hurts every day without him and although I have very minimal chances of ever falling pregnant again, if I do I am scared someone else will die as the moment I had found out I was pregnant I had a horrible feeling that someone was going to die. I told this to my husband who said basically don't be silly, but it happened.

Im terrified of losing anyone else and haven't really let anyone look after my daughter since she was born as I feel near to my dad when she's around and also I am scared something will happen to her which has resulted in her being very clingy to me which is difficult.

Has anyone been in this situation? Ive never had anyone who knows exactly how I feel to talk to before and Im still finding it so hard.

Sorry I have gone on a lot and thanks

[bones252100]

Thers is a song from the late 60's by Blood, Sweat & Tears titled " And When I Die". The last line reads " and when I die & when I'm gone, there'll be one child born in this world to carry on."
If you can find it (possibly youtube.com), give it a listen. It may not help your situation but it helped a very young Marine facing 'Nam.

[sully123]

It's OK to grieve, and I understand your fear, that is normal after all you have gone through. Your emotions after the baby and your Dad. You did everything possible for him, feel very proud of yourself, and your Dad would be proud of you. Death is hard to deal with, and I lost my Dad in Feb 10,08, he was 87, but was very young 87. I watched him die. It was horrible, he code blue 7 times. I have my mom with me, she is blind in one eye, but I know my Dad would want me to take care of her. Some days are better than other days, but keep on looking at the little girl of yours, and remind her someday what a wonderful Dad you had, and a wonderful grandfather she would have had.. My dad loved his grandchildren. And great grandchildren. I remind my grandchildren, one is 5 and she remembers him in the hospital sick, and the little one is two went to see him, so for some reason, I think she will still remember too. She tells me great granddad is in the sky. They say it gets easier, but I don't know, we are all here for you.