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Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 02:01 AM

Hi everyone. I am new here and seeking advice...

I am about to get married and have a small wedding ceremony in August.
The plans are coming along great, me and my partner are happy with the choices we have made.

To cut a long story short :-
I know the wedding etiquette is that the daughters side of the family however. My dad, however, passed away 5 years ago.
My mum offered to help us financially. She offered to pay more than 3 quarters of the wedding. My brother is giving a nice sum towards it and the rest is paid by us.

I have asked my partner to speak to mum and sister if they would be happy to help financially seeing as I don't have to dad to pay for it all..
He always seems unsure about that.. coming up with excuses saying they don't have a lot of money... which I don't believe. I have known his family for over 10 years. His mum travels 4 times a year and his sister isn't doing bad for her self...

Why do you think he gets all weird when I ask him?
He never likes to ask or confront his family...

Also
A few weeks back his sister also interfered in choices we made for our wedding to me.. he did not even tell her anything for pi**ing me off...
When I asked him he said ' well she didn't tell me '... 'I won't say anything unless she tells me'... he then said ' she can moan as much as she likes as we are not changing anything for no one '

Is he a ?

Clough · Jan 27, 2009, 03:54 AM

Hi, Mrs2b!

If this is the person to whom you're considering getting married, and if you're already having a problem with issues between the two of you, then my recommendation would be for you both to seek some guidance with a marriage counselor before you get married. Given the circumstances, it would seem logical that if some of your relatives are willing to contribute something, then his relatives should be able to also contribute at least a little bit. After all, you did say that you're going to be having a small wedding.

I always recommend that couples seek out counseling, before they get married, to make sure that everything is a "good fit" for a relationship to last a lifetime. It just seems to be a prudent thing to do nowadays.

Hopefully, others will also be along to address your question.

Thanks!

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 04:10 AM

Im not having issues with him as I will support any choice he makes...

Im just wondering why he wouldn't speak up to his mum and sis?

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 08:21 AM

Should I speak up myself to his mum myself?

Synnen · Jan 27, 2009, 08:40 AM

Because he KNOWS they're not going to chip in, it's just going to start a fight, and it's not their responsibility to pay for YOUR wedding.

For that matter, it's not YOUR family's responsibility either.

It's YOUR wedding. If you can't afford something, don't do it. If someone throws a fit, offer to let them pay for that portion that they feel just HAS to be part of the wedding.

As far as you speaking to his mom--don't bother. It will just cause bad feelings.

YOU will be your fiance's family. YOU will be his number one priority. If he can't stand up to his family NOW for you, then he's never going to. If he, however, thinks that YOU are being unreasonable in even asking---well, then that's a communication problem.

You really SHOULD get marriage counseling BEFORE you actually tie the knot, and be HONEST in it.

Remember--you're going to have to deal with his family, and the way he reacts to them, for the rest of your life. Decide NOW how you want that interaction to be.

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 08:47 AM

Mum offered to pay for most it.. as we were going to. But she wants to help me out seeing as my father isn't here to help.
Its very traditional were I come from and the daughters family WILL pay for the wedding...

Maybe conselling is good. Althou we spoke to a priest as part of the pre wedding plans.

So because he didn't tell his sister off for moaning to me about wedding decissions.. is that not sticking up for me?

He said - he would tell her if she brings it up to him!

I don't no

Synnen · Jan 27, 2009, 08:59 AM

It may or may not be.

Did you stand up for yourself? Did you let her walk all over you, or did you tell her WHY she was wrong?

It's not your boyfriend's place to handle ALL of your problems with his family. But if he's THERE when something happens, it should be him that says something to them, not you.

The two of you need to decide, TOGETHER, what is acceptable behaviour from EITHER of your families.

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 09:02 AM

Oh I did - believe me!
Unfortuntaley this was all on email as we live in 2 different countries. But I surely told her how I felt and explained that things are done differently here and as the wedding is held here we are following the traditions... she didn't quite understanding me. Which I suppose makes her narrow minded to brouden her ideas as he is very routine orientated.. But I said this is my wedding day and for once its MY way!

I believe he would actually stick up for me if it was face to face and we were all there..

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 09:03 AM

Oh I did - believe me!
Unfortuntaley this was all on email as we live in 2 different countries. But I surely told her how I felt and explained that things are done differently here and as the wedding is held here we are following the traditions... she didn't quite understanding me. Which I suppose makes her narrow minded to brouden her ideas as his sister is very routine orientated.. But I said this is my wedding day and for once its MY way!

I believe he would actually stick up for me if it was face to face and we were all there.

ZoeMarie · Jan 27, 2009, 09:17 AM

I realize that it's tradition that the bride's parents pay for the wedding, but times have changed too. When my husband and I got married we paid for most everything, and when my dad offered to chip in for about 25% of it, we really appreciated it. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect anyone to cover all the expenses, and show some appreciation when people do help out.

Mrs2b · Jan 27, 2009, 09:21 AM

OK, maybe I have not explained this good...
Yes I know times have moved... but I'm not from USA neither ;)
Europe has moved forward but maybe in the states is different.. so also need to consider that,

My dad died.. and my mum wants to pay for most it because she wants me, her only daughter to have a great wedding. So she is offering to help which I am very very grateful for.

jjwoodhull · Jan 28, 2009, 05:09 PM

It's great that your Mother is helping out of love and tradition. Your boyfriend's Mother is under no obligation to help. If she wanted to you would not have to ask, she would just offer. Do not ask her for money. It is rude and inappropriate.

If your boyfriend's sister is being too pushy, you need to tell her clearly that you have already made your decisions. You and she are becoming family and you need to learn to deal with her yourself.

The other posters were correct in suggesting conseling. It can never hurt.

Mrs2b · Jan 30, 2009, 02:27 AM

Yes I know they are under no obligations...
But if they give nothing, that is so bad and rude as well I think...

Well, on the invites I'm saying - monetary would be appreciated as a gift...

Synnen · Jan 30, 2009, 05:52 AM

Again, I am posting from a US perspective---but asking for money (or ANY gift! ) on your invitations is the tackiest thing you can do at a wedding.

I make a point of NOT giving a gift to any of the people who ask for one on their invitation.

The PROPER way to ask for money as a gift (this just amuses me, you know--that there is a proper way to do something that is really considered bad etiquette) is to let your close friends and family know that that is what you would prefer, and then have THEM spread the word to anyone who INQUIRES what you would prefer as a gift.

Mrs2b · Jan 30, 2009, 06:03 AM

I'm afraid we are from 2 different worlds - USA and Europe :)

Its not the way things are done here...

Every wedding I went to in England, Spain and Malta all stated on wedding invite either for money or in england were even given a list of things the bride and groom need and then u pick a present..

Mrs2b · Jan 30, 2009, 06:05 AM

Well here if u don't state on invite what u want.. you won't get anything ! So worth a shot and ask for what you want...

It's the ONLY day you can do so...

jjwoodhull · Feb 1, 2009, 07:37 AM

I'm surprised to hear this. What country are you from? I've been invited to Weddings in Germany, Greece and England and never been asked for money. I always give money as a wedding gift, but would be offended if someone asked for it in an invitation.

Mrs2b · Feb 2, 2009, 01:30 AM

Every wedding I have been invited too ask for money here as a gift...
I don't think its rude.. it's the one day you can ask for what you want.
I have lived with my partner for years and have everything we need for our home so money is the greater option...

Weddings I have been invited to in UK give a list of gifts they want with invite and you chose from there...
So its kind of the same as you are still asking for what you want.

Mrs2b · Feb 2, 2009, 01:31 AM

On invite this is what you write - Monetary would be appreciated.

Synnen · Feb 2, 2009, 06:34 AM

This is probably a culture difference, but in the US especially, even on your wedding day, you do not get to ASK for gifts.

Ever been around a little kid at Christmas or their birthday, and they say "what did you get me?", as if they are more excited about your gift than they are about seeing you? That is EXACTLY what you are doing when you ask for gifts on your invitation.

I make it a point to give something awful to anyone who is rude enough to ask me for a gift---and I make sure it's NOT returnable (Oops! Just forgot the receipt! Sorry!). I've gone as far as giving the one person who asked for money on their invitation 2 pennies, and a book on etiquette with the appropriate pages marked and a note that says "My two cents about your invitation".

Even on your wedding day, it is rude to ASK for gifts. If someone asks YOU, it's okay to tell them what you would like, but to put it on your invitation just seems crass to me.