[s2tp]

Hey everyone, it has been a while since I have been around- I miss you guys :)

I have a very frustrating and complicated situation going on with my parents, and I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with it/try to make it easier between them.
I have to really try to keep this short... I tend to be long winded and wanting to give too many details.

My mom and her boyfriend have been together for about 20 years. I consider him my dad and I love them both very much. I can talk easily about anything with either one of them.

The problem is that they are in the middle of a split... for the 3rd, or more, time. This is the first time it is my dad calling the quits. I think this is the final straw, but it’s getting ugly and I am getting very angry and frustrated with the both of them.

They are living in a small house on a large piece of land they have both owned for 3 years now (they have owned property together for the past 19 years). They have horses, dogs, vehicles etc that they own together.

Their previous splits have been because my mom is tired of him not showing any affection, taking off for the weekend and not calling her to let her know he’s OK, not getting stuff done around the house because he’s too busy playing video games. Of course these break-ups were never discussed. Just thoughts and feelings built up over months/years then the fed-up "I've had enough" move-outs. He would start apologizing, promise to be different etc and they would talk things through, be happy for a month or three then back to usual once one little thing ticked the other off, and it would fester again until the next breaking point.

The last breakup was while I was overseas. I had to call each one separately and became somewhat of a mediator and counselor to them. They finally both went to counseling together and things improved so I stepped out.

I came home and was living with them for about 5 months. Things seemed fine. They got along, but I knew neither one was truly happy. My mom had made suggestion that I get a place so she can move with me. While I love my mother, #1 I don't want to be her scapegoat to not communicate and #2 I have no desire to buy a place just so we can live together... I am 26 and single, I want to live alone- does that make me a bad daughter?

I have moved in with my aunt and uncle temporarily to be closer to work. In the meantime things have been going downhill at home.

I think it started a few months ago when my mom found out my dad had been logging how much he was paying and she owed on household expenses etc. Then a few weeks ago he listed himself back as 'single' on a friends/dating site. He had joined this site during their last break up- and it had caused a huge ruckus. So she has been upset, obviously, since they both still live together and here he was looking for dates... 1 reason I am pissed off at him.

Then my mom has been trying to downsize the heard of horses since its so expensive to feed them- she had a horse up for sale for about 4 months with no luck, so instead of continuing to pay for feed she offered a friend to take him for free. Before the person could come pick up the horse, my mom ended up getting 3 offers for the horse, double for what she had been asking! Which wasn't much, but it was something! Well my mom said she made a promise and couldn't break it so she still gave the horse away! (One of the reasons I am pissed at my mom).

That day is when he moved out of their room and into the spare room, moved his horses into his own corrals, left her 3 days worth of horse feed, then emailed her to tell her what he had done and what she owed for the house, told her to get her own phone plan etc. (Another reason why I am pissed off at him.)

Since then my mom has been flipping out- she has to get rid of more horses now, find homes for the other pets and still live miserably in the same house. My dad is content it seems- everything is under his terms. He refuses to sell the house right now, and he doesn’t care how this situation makes her feel.

They have exchanged 1 more email each- neither of which is conducive to communicating. They work at the same place, most likely see each other in passing, but don’t have to deal with each other for anything. At home she locks herself in her room to sleep and read, while he sits on his computer.

I am so so so frustrated! I don't want them to get back together, but I do want them to see how messed up they both are and that they both need counseling, therapy, something! My mom already wants to see a psychiatrist, she feels messed up. I don't know what my dad is up to on the dating site.

I know some of you will say it’s not my business and to just let them figure it out- but that is not the answer for me. I cannot and will not let them continue to bring each other down. I also don't have the patience to mediate them again- it takes a lot out of me to listen to the plight of both sides and try to mitigate.

I am going insist they both get counseling for themselves if not with each other, but does anyone know of people or websites that have good advice on situations like this? Your advice and input is very much appreciated...

Feeling helpless and frustrated
:(:mad:

[NItEMArE129]

Stop listening to their problems. You're your mother's daughter; your responsibility is to live YOUR life, not fix hers. The same applies for your mother's boyfriend. They don't really need counseling; they need to recover from a break-up. Besides, it doesn't seem like they're very mature. They don't communicate, your "dad" still plays video games, your mom immediately jumps to a psychiatrist? Psychiatrists don't fix everything. They can only do so much, but they do help with more serious issues. Your dad is pretty immature and inconsiderate. Like, for god's SAKE, VIDEO GAMES? They both need to grow up, and you can't tell them how to grow up.

[startover22]

I agree with the above posters. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEMS, you are you and you have enough to deal with. Your parents are old enough to make choices, it is up to them to make the right ones. It sounds to me you like to be involved in this big fat drama... if you don't want to hear stay out of it from any of us. Go help someone really needy like a kid with no parent, or an older guy or gal looking to at least play some cards with someone. There are way better things you could be doing with your time.
What is it about them not being together that scares you so much? You are 26 sweetheart, there is no need for you to be a mother to your parents. Good luck.

[ordinaryguy]

Hi there, lady, long time no post. Good to see you.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I have to agree with Starty here. It really isn't your business. Not to say that you need to stay out of it completely, since you love them both. Feel free to be a sounding board for them as long as you can, but when it starts to bring you down and cause you grief, pull back a little and trust that they will do what they need to do and learn what they need to learn. You can be kind to each without taking sides or laying blame, even though it sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around..

This is one example of the more general class of questions you could describe as, "How do I deal with it when people I love are being self-destructive and making bad choices?" I wish I had a really kick-azs answer to that question, but I don't. As far as I can tell, it's one of the hardest things human beings are called upon to do.

You have a good heart, girl. Open it to them, but don't try to fix their problems. Just listen and love them.

[talaniman]

They have been lucky to have you around, but let them kids handle their own business.

[Handyman2007]

Stay out of it and don't take sides.

[s2tp]

Hey thanks everyone for the responses. Even though I said it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I guess after hearing it 5 times in a row, it makes more sense to let them hash it out.

Ordinaryguy you really hit it with the "How do I deal with it when people I love are being self-destructive and making bad choices?" It is very hard for me to walk away when I believe I can make a difference.

I just hate what they are doing to themselves and each other and it makes me so angry I want to tell them to go to their rooms and think about what they are doing... haha as if they were kids! I suppose it’s easier for me to see it all since I am outside the box. Another part of me wants to refuse to talk to either one until they each get some help and learn to communicate…but that is unnecessary.

They are just both so wrapped up in what they feel and want for themselves that they don’t see how they are acting immature or making things more difficult than they need to.

As for my dad playing video games... yes he is a computer nerd but it’s his only release since he has never been one for making friends. Fun and friendly guy but just enjoys escaping into his electronics and games rather than watch sports or drink beer. I do see how immature he is though; when it comes to dealing with problems and communicating. He just shuts it all out and waits for it to all go away. My mom has gone along with for years until recently. When she did try to talk about things, if it was something he didn’t want to discuss, he would leave or start laughing, leaving her to feel frustrated and too emotional.

Anyway... thank you all again for the comments. I am thinking of just writing a letter to the both of them letting them know I am tired of being in the middle. I am disappointed with them for not communicating and continuing to assume things of each other- just letting things build up in their imaginations. I will let them know I am there to listen and love each of them, but that they need to figure out what is going on and to stop asking me what the other is saying/doing.

( I hope nobody gets the wrong impression- both of my parents have insisted that they don’t want me in the middle, and they hold off telling me things until I ask, but once I am with them alone, I ask what is going on and they as if the other has said anything…)


Another quick question; since my dad is on this dating site, is it wrong of me to ask him not to date until him and my mom are living apart from each other? It really bothers me if he tries to date someone with my mom there. I like to think he would wait, but he seems determined to put this relationship behind him despite having to share the house with his ex...

[startover22]

s2tp, Hi again, you are such a caring person. And yes, you need to leave them alone to do what they want;) You are wasting time and energy... no matter what, they will do what they want. Wouldn't you? Good luck