[whoknowsit]

At what age is it inappropriate for a father to sleep with his daughter

[Jake2008]

I'm not sure it's 'wrong' or 'innapropriate', nor am I presuming either.

Without knowing the age of the child, it is hard to say. I know that after a bad dream, or a midnight wakeup, we didn't mind our small children (at the time), to jump into bed with mom and dad.

Otherwise, I can't think of a single reason for a father to be in a child's bed. I can see getting up with an older child to calm them or comfort them if they are afraid, or reading a story, getting a snack the odd time, that sort of thing. Then you tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, and get back into your own bed.

What age is this child and why is the father not in his own bed?

[Fr_Chuck]

Please describe since there are 100's of what ifs,
On vacation, sleeping over at grandparents over weekend, child sick,

[ScottGem]

Generally, I would say when the child is getting close to puberty. But, as noted, circumstances may vary this advice greatly.

[0rphan]

I remember sleeping between my parents... bless them... because I used to sleep walk ,but that was many years ago.

In today's society that is a very sensitive area even though all kids do it , even my own did up to about the age of nine, but of coarse all those years ago, accusations didn't arise as it was accepted as a sort of regular thing especially on a lie in on Sunday mornings.

Today probably I would say about three and maybe if possible don't even start it... which is very sad

[startover22]

I think if you are one of those people that let their kids sleep with you, you will note that they kind of stop on their own, like Scott said, close to puberty. We started putting our kids in their own bed at different ages. We have 4 kids the first we had him sleeping in his own bed at about 6... and every once in a while he would sneak in. Our daughter, well if given the opportunity she would still sleep with us, but she is 11 and I say enough of that. Our youngest boys have mostly always had each other, they sleep side by side in their own twin beds... they slept with us for about 4 years of their lives.

I do not see a problem unless others see a definite danger.
There are some people that like to make DRAMA where there is none. I worry about these people making something when there is nothing to make of it. I suppose it all depends on the 100 what ifs, so please tell us why you would need to know?

[LorenzoPolo]

My daughter occasionally sleeps with me - if she can't get to sleep she'll come to our bedroom and we'll find here there when we go to bed. I take it in turns with my wife as to who sleeps with her. She is ten now. It is getting pretty rare now, which I guess follows some of the other answers. I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it much longer.

[ScottGem]

My daughter occasionally sleeps with me - if she can't get to sleep she'll come to our bedroom and we'll find here there when we go to bed. I take it in turns with my wife as to who sleeps with her. She is ten now. It is getting pretty rare now, which I guess follows some of the other answers. I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it much longer.

If the incidences are decreasing, I would let it run its course.

[whoknowsit]

I'm not sure it's 'wrong' or 'innapropriate', nor am I presuming either.

Without knowing the age of the child, it is hard to say. I know that after a bad dream, or a midnight wakeup, we didn't mind our small children (at the time), to jump into bed with mom and dad.

Otherwise, I can't think of a single reason for a father to be in a child's bed. I can see getting up with an older child to calm them or comfort them if they are afraid, or reading a story, getting a snack the odd time, that sort of thing. Then you tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, and get back into your own bed.

What age is this child and why is the father not in his own bed?

Thanks for your response. I guess I should have been more thourough with the question. I have been with my fiancé for over three years now and he has a daughter going to be 12 years old in march. There has never been a problem with her sleeping in her own bed up until about two months ago. We get along fine and I never interfere with father daughter time, and there has never been any issues between her and I before. Just all of a sudden she refuses to sleep alone in her bed and continuously through the night if my fiancé tries to come back to our room, she wakes up and gets him back out again. She says she's not scared or anything. Up until a couple weeks ago she played the tummy ache act wich I immediately saw right through. Now she says she just needs the closness of him near her. She is very babied and her mentallity seems very immature to me, Ive raised two kids myself so I know most of these games. We started dropping her off at her mothers house at night at bedtime because I refuse to play this. Ive suggested counseling for her, but niether parent has made the effort to do so. I think it's a game, and I really don't think a father should be sleeping in a 12 year olds bed. Daughter or not. Am I being wrong here?

[Jake2008]

You are absolutely correct, beyond a doubt, 100%.

It is innapropriate, and unnecessary for a father to sleep with his 12 year old, and your solution of dropping her off at her mother's at night, is a really wise move.

I think when she matures a bit, she will realize that she doesn't want her father sleeping with her, because people would think she was a baby, and 13 years old or thereabouts, they think they are adults, and want to be seen as that.

I doubt that anybody would disagree with your decision. Perhaps the parent's reluctance is that they too know that any professional hearing that would also be hearing alarm bells at the same time. NOT that he is doing anything innapropriate whatsoever, but it would be addressed as an issue that needed immediate resolve for all concerned.

It may be sooner than you think that she will decide to abide by the house rules and sleep by herself and not disturb her father, or you. But, until that happens, I'd say stick to your guns, you're doing the right thing in my opinion.

[Labello]

I am going through almost the same thing only I moved out and the daughter is almost 14 and in 8th grade. It's ridiculous and is a control game with them. She does some other inappropriate things but the whole sleeping with daddy creeps me out. Your taking her to her mom's house is exactly what I proposed! Right on. Don't let her put a wedge between you guys, it ended up ruining my relationship.

[mum2five]

I think this is a case of he is my property ang you can go away syndrome .
She may seem babyfied but do not be fooled she is playing the both of you.
At 12 years old I find this not appropriate and no not because of any other reason than she is old enough to know that her father can not share her bed.
Your partner is encouraging her by giving in.

[ScottGem]

You may think there is no problem, but there clearly is. Dad needs to explain that he is now sharing his life with you as he used to share it with her mother. This will not affect his feelings for her, but her interfering with that relationship may.

You might want to consider family counseling.

[startover22]

It almost seems as if there is a reason WHY she is needing this from him. Besides the fact that her parents split up and live in separate homes, is there anything that may have happened in recent times?
I agree with you, she is feeding off her dad giving in. She may be competing with you, what does your husband plan on doing about it?

[whoknowsit]

Please describe since there are 100's of what ifs,
on vacation, sleeping over at grandparents over weekend, child sick,

She is not sick or scared and hasn't ever had a problem sleeping alone in the three years I've been with her father. She is going to be 12 years old in march. We get along fine, but two months ago she refuses to let her dad sleep in my room. She either wants him on the couch where she can see him or have him sleep directly with her. She can be sound asleep in her bed, but if she hears the sound of him coming back to bed she's up again. For weeks she was pulling I have a tummy ache bit, but I have two grown kids of my own and new that wasn't the problem. She's been talked to and says she just wants her dads closness when she sleeps. Again this problem only started a couple months ago. They have lots of father daughter time alone together and I don't interfere with it one bit, so I don't see it's that she all of a sudden misses him so severely. I suggested counseling for her, but niether parent has followed through. We have started dropping her off at her moms house at bedtime now, and she continues to let her sleep with her at night. Don't know what else I can do to solve this issue, if there's not much cooperation from the mother and I have to fight tooth and nail to get her father to see the problem and that I'm not just picking on her. But I refuse to watch a father sleep with a 12 year old daughter even though I'm 100% sure nothing wrong is happening. I just believe they need to teach her to grow up a bit and stop babying her so much.

[whoknowsit]

I think if you are one of those people that let their kids sleep with you, you will note that they kinda stop on their own, like Scott said, close to puberty. We started putting our kids in their own bed at different ages. We have 4 kids the first we had him sleeping in his own bed at about 6.....and every once in a while he would sneak in. Our daughter, well if given the opportunity she would still sleep with us, but she is 11 and I say enough of that. our youngest boys have mostly always had each other, they sleep side by side in their own twin beds...they slept with us for about 4 years of their lives.

I do not see a problem unless others see a definite danger.
There are some people that like to make DRAMA where there is none. I worry about these people making something when there is nothing to make of it. I suppose it all depends on the 100 what ifs, so please tell us why you would need to know??

My problem with this issue is that his daughter is going to be 12 years old this march and in the three years I've been with him this problem hasn't started until a couple months ago. She will sleep in her bed as long as she can see him sleeping on the couch from her bed, but the second he gets up to go to our room, she's up again getting him back up. She's not sick, scared or uncomfortable in our house and I would have expected these issues to happen right away three years ago. I find this very weird and I refuse to let a father sleep in the same room as his 12 year old daughter. Nothing funny of course is going on, but if anyone new about this that would be the first thing to come to mind. We have started dropping her off at her moms at bedtime now and she allows her to sleep with her wich doesn't help matters at all, but I do find it different than her father sleeping with her, I just don't feel that's appropriate. Especially if this problem has just started at the age of 12

[Labello]

This child is being allowed to manipulate her parents and it's reduculous. Stand your ground and don't allow him to go running to her whims, especially since this is a fairly recent behavior. Kids will manipulate their parents in many different ways, this being one of them. This 12 year old needs to be put back in her place within the family, and it certainly isn't sleeping beside her father at night...

[artlady]

At 12 years of age she is too old to be sleeping with her father,even if her maturity is less than that of a 12yr.old.

She is old enough to deal with whatever issues are bothering her and she is old enough to be able to communicate her feelings verbally.She is too old for hand holding and this type of coddling.
There should be a discussion and she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she is a young lady and as such she needs to act it.
If her behavior has suddenly changed I would look at this more closely and try to determine the reason why.Something may be happening or has happened to her to make her feel this insecurity.
I think a serious discussion is in order and I think your fiancé needs to understand that babying her in this way is not solving any problem.You need to get to the root of the problem.

[startover22]

I happen to think something happened to her. THAT doesn't mean you should let her have her dad sleep where she can see him. I agree to stop all of that, but I do suspect she isn't saying what is REALLY wrong. I say look into it further, have a heart to heart with her, tell her this is unacceptable, is there something else that you could do to help her? Tell her that you are there for her if she feels the need to talk, and as far as you and dad are concerned you are willing to help, just not in the way she wants. You are doing a great job... you just need to get more info out of her. Something happened and changed her behavior!

[GirlWSlingshot]

She is certainly too old to be sleeping with her father. But this is obviously a last ditch plea to have him focus on her. It's painful for children when their parents remarry, they tend to grasp for something they can control.

Have you considered how frightening this whole situation and change is for her?