[LAMBCHOPS]

I'll make it brief:

I was madly in love with my gorgeous, smart and sexy husband and did everything in my power to make it work, but I couldn't. He was selfish, unapproachable, narcissistic and disrespectful to me from the beginning. I knew he was difficult even before I got married but I was so mad about him that I accepted his downfalls and married him anyway.

Then, six months ago, I finally admitted that I was miserable. I still loved him but he never, ever took care of me or protected me. I felt alone, even when I was pregnant. So we separated and I moved in with my parents and never even looked back or shed a tear over this man (God knows I cried enough during the marriage).

Shortly after the separation, I re-kindled an old friendship with a boyfriend from years ago. It took me awhile to let things 'happen', but now it's a relationship. He's not as attractive as my ex, nor as educated, nor as funny. But, he treats me like absolute gold, loves my little son, and reminds me every day that I am beautiful. He gives me so much attention and makes good $, and truly takes care of my heart. He loves me, is selfless and thoughtful. He wants to marry me.

Here's the problem: I had passion with the jerk and with the good guy it's just affection. I don't love him. I have respect for him, I love the attention and my brain tells me this is a great thing. I feel lucky that he is in my life. Our principles are similar. Our rights and wrongs are similar.

I guess what I want to know is: Does respect become love? Does affection ever become attraction?

[NItEMArE129]

You WERE very attracted to your ex-husband. You don't love him. You are NOW attracted to your boyfriend, but you don't love him. Often times, when we change our mentality about things, everything else changes as well. If you want to feel something, you will feel it.

Love is not a choice. It's uncontrollable, unpredictable, and unreliable. But that's why people enjoy it so much when it's reciprocal. You're current boyfriend is great to you. You need to get over your ex-husband though. Put him out of your mind and out of your heart. He's no longer any concern to you.

[ylaira]

Since I was 15, I believe that love is a decision. Yes,respect grows compatibility to chemistry to attraction to love though it takes longer.

But don't force yourself to do so because you are not required so just avoid accepting too many things. It would be easy to make a decision if you're not held back from "debts" a.k.a favors.

[talaniman]

I think this is more about you wanting someone in your life.

[LAMBCHOPS]

You all give good advice. Thank you.
Yes, of course I want someone in my life, and in my son's life. To be honest with you, I'm happy alone, but I'm 35 and I've got a limited window of opportunity to have more children and move on. I like what the poster above said-- that love is a decision. I'm trying not to force it, but I can't be unfair to the new boyfriend (he really wants to get married a.s.a.p.) and make him wait and wait.

I'm pretty much guaranteed a nice, healthy easy relationship with this new person... and I guess the reality is that you need someone who treats you wonderfully and takes care of his family.

I have several very religious cousins who are were in arranged marriages (it sounds barbaric but everyone consented and they are all truly happy - and they haven't always been religious so it's not like they don't know better). Their advice was this -- You need to marry based on principles and some attraction. But, you need to listen to your brain, not your heart because if you let your brain make the decisions, your heart will automatically follow. Let's pray they're right...

[slapshot_oi]

Your still in bad-boy mode, you just need time alone to purge your brain of that mentality, and then you'll look at the nice guy in a new light. Until then, you won't find anyone nice to be attractive.

Over the years, I've come to find that there are two types of nice-guys. Those who are nice to everyone—sometimes they can be uncomfortably nice—and the root of it is their own insecurity. And then those who are nice to everyone because they don't feel a need to prove themselves (i.e. being a jerk because "women think it's manly"; it's phony). If he's in the former group, you may have some problems there.

[startover22]

I was going to come in here and say of course it grows... attraction grows, it can be from the attention, the love, the looks of a man, the respect he shows an the respect you have, but, I don't know that you have had any of these things... for "REAL". Your son doesn't need you to be in a bunch of relationships, if it weren't for him I would say read some good books on how to be treated and how to treat men, and find a great relationship...

My opinion is to stay out of relationships until your son is out of the house.;) Good luck!

[mum2five]

I think maybe you rushed into this new relationship.
You say you never loved your ex hubby due to the relationship and I can understand this. Love does die.
But what I think happened was you got this new guy too quickly - never giving you the chance to recover from your last relationship. You refer between your ex and new guy - one was bad one is good - perhaps the new gu does not give you the " rush " that the ex did - even though he was bad to you there was always some sort of drama perhaps it is that you miss.
Trust me I have been there you get so used to nothing ever going right that you start to look for ways to make things go bad when they are going right.
You need to have avery long think about this !

[MarkwithaK]

So on one hand you have a good looking guy that treats you like garbage. On the other hand you have a guy that treats you like gold but you aren't attracted to him. No offense but that is pretty damn shallow. Looks only get you so far in this world and eventually they fail you. I hear women always talking about how they want a good man but what they really mean is they want a good ATTRACTIVE man.

[startover22]

Good is better than attractive if that is really what you want to know.
YOu have a good and attractive little boy, why not just concentrate on him;)

[talaniman]

Here's the problem: I had passion with the jerk and with the good guy it's just affection. I don't love him. I have respect for him, I love the attention and my brain tells me this is a great thing. I feel lucky that he is in my life. Our principles are similar. Our rights and wrongs are similar.

From what you wrote 6 months ago you left your husband, and took up with another guy your ready to marry.

Don't let your need for a man rush you into something before your ready. Looks good on paper, but reality is what you have to live with ( marrying your former husband looked good too, remember? ) but what's the real hurry?

Take a year to see how your really feel and get your divorce final, and your feet on the ground.

You admit you respect, but not love this dude and thats a red flag, warning you to take your time, and verify if it will grow, or is that respect enough to marry someone.

Your choice, so take your time to make a good choice based on fact, and not just, he gives you attention, and makes good money. They all do until you marry them!!!!

[LAMBCHOPS]

It's not just about looks, Mark. My ex was so smart (street smart and academic), responsible, funny, clean, clever... the attraction was much deeper than just looks. He treated me badly and I couldn't fix it and that's why it ended. I'm not shallow, believe me.
The new guy is not so smart, a little materialistic, not so funny and nice looking, but it's the respect, kindness and acceptance of me that keeps me in it.
Mum2Five is right -- I never had a chance to just be by myself after the breakup and I probably should have, but I'm afraid that if I end things with Mr. Nice I will regret it. I'm trying to take it slow without being unfair, I've been upfront from day 1 and he's patient.

Startover22 - I promise you that it's my little boy that is my #1 priority. I concentrate on him and love him almost too much... it's like I'm too over protective and paranoid that he may be traumatized by bad decisions I may make. One of the reasons I want to get married again is so that he will have brothers and sisters, and to grow up seeing his mom in a healthy relationship.

I just feel I've got to move fast or I may never have the opportunity again. Talaniman -- even if it is about having someone in my life... so what? Isn't that what we all want? Companionship? Closeness?

[LAMBCHOPS]

Ps. And, no, I'm nowhere near ready to get married.

[talaniman]

Too much, to fast, crash and burn!

If a divorced person has learned anything is that what looks good in the beginning, may not look so good in the end.

I just feel I've got to move fast or I may never have the opportunity again, Talaniman.

That's my only concern, take your time and choose wisely as there is no hurry.

If your afraid this is your last chance at happiness, you will miss the red flags, and settle just to have someone, but for a lifetime, its important to have the right one.

Trust me, 20 years down the road, you will be glad you waited and gave this choice of life partner some serious thought.

The last thing you need is a bunch of kids, and an unhappy life.

[hungtoronto]

It's not just about looks, Mark. My ex was so smart (street smart and academic), responsible, funny, clean, clever... the attraction was much deeper than just looks. He treated me badly and I couldn't fix it and that's why it ended. I'm not shallow, believe me.
The new guy is not so smart, a little materialistic, not so funny and nice looking, but it's the respect, kindness and acceptance of me that keeps me in it.
Mum2Five is right -- I never had a chance to just be by myself after the breakup and I probably should have, but I'm afraid that if I end things with Mr. Nice I will regret it. I'm trying to take it slow without being unfair, I've been upfront from day 1 and he's patient.

Startover22 - I promise you that it's my little boy that is my #1 priority. I concentrate on him and love him almost too much... it's like I'm too over protective and paranoid that he may be traumatized by bad decisions I may make. One of the reasons I want to get married again is so that he will have brothers and sisters, and to grow up seeing his mom in a healthy relationship.

I just feel I've got to move fast or I may never have the opportunity again. Talaniman -- even if it is about having someone in my life...so what? Isn't that what we all want? Companionship? Closeness?

You go for smart, good looking, successful guys. What do you have to offer? I am wondering if your standard is too high.

[sylvan_1998]

Okay, I would love to have the passion I had with all the jerks I have left behind (or who left me behind) and let me tell you it was passionate. But they did not love me, nor did I love them and it took me a lond time to realize it. INFATUATION is so strong and overpowering and I know I have mistaken it for love several times.

Now, I am in one of those marriages you are wondering if you should enter. Not because it was the last one or anything, but here was a person I enjoyed doing everything with, had the same principles and goals, and I knew I wanted him in my life for years to come.

With that said, there has been a few times when I missed all that passion and he just can not muster it up. We have worked through those and I can honestly admit I made the right choice.

No one can tell you what you should do, but I will tell you my experiences. And I believe love is 100% a choice.

Good luck

[Jake2008]

As someone who has been married for 33 years, let me weigh in here.

Not all relationships are the same. Not all love is the same. Not all people fall in love instantly, not all people love each other the same way. One person's idea of love, is the opposite for another. Nobody can judge.

The person you start with, changes. You change. Time, circumstances, and issues beyond your control change both parties. Such as job loss, illness, children, etc.

People mature. Ideas and goals change. Roles change, challenges will test your resolve in unimaginable ways. You cannot predict the future. What might seem right now, will seem wrong tomorrow, and what is questionable now, wasn't yesterday.

What I'm saying is that if you develop a friendship, and a deep meaningful relationship with the fellow you are with now, has a greater chance of becoming love. Don't rush it, if it was meant to be, it will happen, and you will know.

There is no rule that says love has to happen first.

When I first met my husband, it was not love at first sight, and for two years we corresponded by mail (different parts of the country). I found after time, that he was the one that I called when I was in trouble, I was the one he called when he needed to talk. We relied on each other, and eventually, I saw him in a different light. I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him, and him without me.

We don't love each other any less than we did 30 years ago, but the love is different now, than it was then.

My advice to you would be to let things happen naturally. He sounds like a good man, and a good father.

They are few and far between.

[LAMBCHOPS]

Thank you, Friends.

This is sound advice. Jake and Sylvan -- you seem like wise women who understand how I feel. I know I should take my time and slow it down... I do want to be with him, but to be really close and good friends right now is fine by me. He's got expectations of me that I'm not ready for (i.e. talking about marriage and kids when I haven't even signed divorced papers). Every time he shows too much affection or wants to discuss the relationship he seems needy and it just turns me off completely. I feel smothered and I often just want to be left alone, so I withdraw, or worse -- get angry at him, and I feel bad that his feelings are hurt.

I guess the fairest thing would be to just keep reminding him that I'm not ready for big questions quite yet... if he wants to be patient then lucky me. If not, then hopefully he'll still be there when I am ready.

Thank you again :)