[450donn]

I have been married for a lot of years. For most of my married life I have traveled extensively on business. So my question is, Why do men feel it is necessary to stray when they have a wife and family at home?

[nitelight198073]

Sorry not a man but I would like to give my advice anyway... I feel that men get lonely and miss the love and attention from their spouse and family so they try to fill the void. Others are the one that feel well my wife will never find out so what the hey I will have an affair I need to get laid... it all depends on the man... I had a significant other that traveled with his job and I caught him cheating called his hotel room and a woman answer and told me he was in the shower and I asked who she was and she told me that she had been seeing my boyfriend for a week... in his case he was just scum. I feel that in a relationship trust is a major thing... when there is no trust there is no real love... sorry for the long answer but had a little rant

[NeedKarma]

Why do men feel it is necessary to stray when they have a wife and family at home?

Answer = They don't.

[adam_89]

Well my friend, I am not sure why men have the urge to stray. It may be beacause they do not get what they once had within their home. Some men just can't turn down a beautiful woman or resist a woman period. Some may do it out of lack of love that they feel or something along the lines. I would never cheat, but I am not a traveling man.

[neverme]

They don't. Neither do women. Not universally. Unfortunately there are some that do.

[jakester]

I have been married for a lot of years. For most of my married life I have traveled extensively on business. So my question is, Why do men feel it is necessary to stray when they have a wife and family at home?

Hey, don - fancy meeting you here.

I think this is a beast of a question but I'd like to take a stab at it. First off, I am curious about something. Where is this question coming from, exactly? I think there can be only two perspectives:

1) in your travels you have encountered many men who you know have cheated on their wives and were grieved by that because as you reflected on your own marriage, you realized how unjust infidelity is to the marriage commitment; now you are trying to understand human nature in such a way as to clearly identify what is wrong with humanity (which I find is truly helpful)

2) you are seeking to justify yourself by referring to your own marriage as a litmus test for whether other men are doing it right; you have internalized a set of perceptions of yourself and what sort of person you are and are now looking out at the sludge of humanity and are looking for a pat on the back…”good job, old chap, when those other heathen are off to the motels for a bit of infidelity, you go back to your hotel room and sleep solely with your commitment to your wife. Well, done, indeed!”

Look, I'm not looking to have fun with you here; I'm dead serious about what I am saying. Donn, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are coming from the vantage point of perspective 1, all right? However, if upon reflection you realize you are really coming from the vantage point of perspective 2, then I think my answer here may or may not be helpful.

First off, I am married. I have grown to understand the nature of the marriage commitment a little bit better—how serious the taking of marriage vows is. One thing I am certain of is that it is a struggle to keep all of our marriage vows because of what we are promising our spouses: to love them in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer, until death due us part. All you have to do is really look at yourself and think a little and you don't have to go back very far in your marriage before you realize that you haven't kept all of your vows perfectly…neither have I. Now I don't mean to suggest you have cheated on your wife; I'm merely speaking about loving our wives in all circumstances. How many times are we unloving, critical, unforgiving, and cruel towards our wives with our words, for example. Why can't we just simply love and let that be the end of it? Because there is something wrong with us. We are morally broken. We are selfish, unloving, cruel, and spiteful creatures. It's not that we cannot act loving towards our wives—we do. But what makes us so perverse as people is that we know full well how we are supposed to act but we often times act contrary to what we know is right and we do this because we are sinners. The playing field, donn, is level in that respect. We are all the same creatures in that way.

~ Editorial Comment ~

I know my answers are coming from a Christian perspective and this question is posed in Adult Sexuality and not Religion, but I believe 450donn understands where I am coming from (so for those who may not care for what I am saying, it is what it is; take it or leave it). ~ End of Editorial Comment ~

At any rate, I want to conclude my comments by saying this. There was a scene in the bible where the Pharisees brought a woman to Jesus who was caught in adultery. They wanted to stone her and according to their law, they had the right to because God as the author of the covenant had mandated it. However, Jesus being the Son of God, had the authority to “have mercy on whom I will have mercy and wrath upon whom I will have wrath.” In a surprise move, Jesus calls out the Pharisees for their self-righteous, condemning spirits. Were they wrong because they sought to observe the law? No. They were wrong because in their self-righteous hearts, they wanted to condemn this woman because they believed they were acting as righteous judges. Perhaps their perspectives should have been one of grief and sorrow at the fact that here was another human being showing her sinfulness and now justice is being served. What I mean is, they should have known themselves well enough to see that they were no different from that woman; they are just as capable of the same kind of evil of adultery as she is and perhaps they ought to be glad they were not the ones facing stoning.

In the Beatitudes of Jesus, he says “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” If I understand Jesus correctly in the context of this passage, all of the statements of being blessed are linked to our internal perspectives on our lives and reality itself. What does he mean by mourn? What kind of mourning are we talking about? I think it is related to our self-concept. Do we comprehend from within that we are morally broken people? Do we anguish over our moral failures? Are we broken by the fact that we are just not the kind of people that we ought to be? Are we ashamed like the man who went up into the temple and who being unable to even lift his eyes toward heaven said: “forgive me Father, I am a sinner.”? Who is the person who gets eternal life? The person who realizes that he is unworthy of God; the one who realizes he has nothing to present to God in the hopes of being found worthy…but merely casts himself upon the mercy of God because he recognizes is unworthy. This is why Jesus says that if you mourn, you will be comforted—God will forgive you and grant you eternal life.

Is it right to be morally outraged by infidelity? Yes, because as we come to appreciate goodness and righteousness, we see just how evil it really is. Are we to be surprised by it in others? I think if we are surprised by it, then perhaps we haven't come to really understand ourselves the right way because we are just as capable of it. We are to mourn over our own evil and call it what it is but we must also be people of mercy because if we condemn others, we are condemning ourselves also because we are the same. Judge evil for what it is but be careful that the judgment of evil isn't a self-righteous spirit of condemnation. We must remember who we are and think rightly about ourselves and about others…this I think will serve us well.

Sincerely.

[450donn]

Nope Jake, Neither one. The question comes from reading the forums and seeing how many questions have appeared reading something like "my boyfriend cheated on me with so and so" Or "I caught my husband texting his ex wife". To me it appears that about 40 5to 50% of the questions here are about cheating on your spouse or significant other that I would try and get men to come out and tell us here why they feel it necessary to cheat.

[NeedKarma]

You have to understand how the anonymity of the internet is perfect for those that wish to vent about such matters. But do they represent 50% of all relationships? I think far from it. You'll neber hear about the people that stay faithful because it's not a story to tell. I think the vast majority of men are faithful to their wives/girlfriends while away on trips.

[450donn]

See, based on the FMO programs that are going on all across the nation and most notably in my own church and the large numbers of men that attend every week I tend to think I am being conservative in my numbers. The sexual problems men are facing today is at an epidemic level. Why? I am not sure except to say that because men are so secretive about issues in their lives it becomes a major problem in relationships across the spectrum. If there were not so many problems, there would be far less "experts" at places like this forum. I guess I was hoping that some of these men who understand that they have a problem or have already dealt with these sorts of issues would chime in and help those that are still in denial or afraid to tell someone.

[NeedKarma]

Before the internet people talked to each other more readily, probably over a beer as far as men go.

I have no idea what these "FMO" programs are at your church, I'm commenting based on the men I know at work, in my sports teams, in my circle of friends. I can state that the large majority of them do not stray when away on business.

[450donn]

At least that is what they tell you in front of their wives LOL
Please remember this one thing about us (men) we do not tell other people what is going on in our lives. Generally not even to another guy. It is just a guy thing! Women on the other hand vent their emotions by talking, talking talking. We are wired differently. Don't happen, never will.

[NeedKarma]

So all the guys you travel with will sleep with other women?
Not the ones I travel with.

[spitvenom]

The only things I could think of are the guys figure hey I am X miles away from my wife she will never find out. Or they just don't actually care about there wife. I just couldn't do that to someone I care about. I was with my fiancée for about 7 years we just got married on Tuesday and there is no way I could ever cheat on her. I put myself in a situation once about 2 years ago where I could have cheated but I couldn't stop thinking about her and I didn't do it.

We were going through a rough time and I was thinking about breaking up with her but when I gave it a test run she was the only thing I could think about. I'm glad I never did anything because I wouldn't be able to live with myself after that.

[dvyas85]

Well the answer of this question lies in the basic psychology... as we say men are from mars & women are from venus... what does it signifies... courage ,angerspirit are all qualities that are attributed to mars... while youth & beauty is due to venus... as you see why does women decorate themselves... just to impress men... one this is done their life is setteled... every women wishs to have a well settled family... going after beautiful women is the basic nature of every men... this is nothing but ,work of tstosterone that makes men somuch playful...
So evenafter having happily married men are often impressed by women other then their wives... & run after them...
As it is said... every women wants a successful man... while every every successful man wants many women...

[Choux]

Donn, There are studies out there that give *statistics* on male fidelity. Facts. Always good to know the facts. :D

From what I can tell, most of the posters here appear to be teen-agers. I think that skews this board toward reckless behavior and lack of maturity.

The evolutionary history of the human race is in our genes. Men are built to be sex machines... to inseminate as many women as possible to insure the survival of the human race.

Most men have had that instinct crushed! But, it is still there. That's my opinion. :D

Have a good day!

[liz28]

Only the cheater knows. Plain and simple. Some cheat some don't but regardless it is wrong.

To be honest I am surprise that you started this thread because when the "Why do women/men cheat" thread was started you made a stink about it stated only the person knows. Then you turn around and start this thread. Humm!

[Justwantfair]

Nope Jake, Neither one. The question comes from reading the forums and seeing how many questions have appeared reading something like "my boyfriend cheated on me with so and so" Or "I caught my husband texting his ex wife". To me it appears that about 40 5to 50% of the questions here are about cheating on your spouse or significant other that I would try and get men to come out and tell us here why they feel it necessary to cheat.

How many people do you think come to these sites to talk about how wonderful their marriage and lives are? Is there a form of a question in this statement that they could ask. People who are happy and faithful are not on websites searching for answers from strangers, I would think that would sway the percentages of men & women who cheat.

Why do you ask this question only of men. Women cheat as well and many women cheat without being away physically from their partners.

There is never a necessity to cheat. Men and women do it out of disrespect to their partners and themselves. They do it out of disregard to people feelings and their own lust.

[Synnen]

I'd just love to know how many of you with the answers have actually EVER cheated on your partner, to understand what drives people to do so.

I'd ALSO like to know how you can judge someone without ever walking in their shoes, in that particular situation.

I've posted why I cheated on my husband (who was, at the time, my boyfriend) in other threads. I'm not re-hashing it here, again.

I just think that people who THINK they understand the mentality behind cheating are going from textbooks and not from personal experience. While yes, in some cases, once a cheater, always a cheater--in MOST cases, it's something that's not planned, not sought after, and not something repeated, whether they get "caught' or not.

[Justwantfair]

I have cheated on my partner. It will never happen again and I am female, it's not just men who cheat.

I am ashamed of the behavior and it was for complete disrespect to my partner and myself that I cheated, but at the time I disregarded my partners feelings and did what I wanted to do.

[450donn]

At least a couple people will answer honestly without making off handed comments. Thank You for that!