[realistoptomist]

I just turned 32 and I have been dating a guy who just turned 25.

We had been going out for about 3-4 months, have known each other for about one year and a half and have told each other “I love you.” It has been an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and he mentioned marriage several times. I am no marriage desperate person and don’t project that image.

Recently, he told me that he wanted to “hang out” with a girl that he just met to get to know her better. He said it was friendship thing to expand his social/professional network, and that neither of them was attracted to the other. I asked a lot of questions before telling him I was uncomfortable with it and that I didn’t want him to go out with her.

He said that she was cute, but they were not attracted to each other, that she approached him, that she asked him for his number, that she called him and asked him to go to an art museum outing that she planned. He didn’t tell her that he had a girlfriend as it was not relevant. He said she just was a super social person.

The weekend prior, he and I were supposed to go to an art museum. I had to cancel and made indefinite future museum plans with him, not this time but we’ll go another time. I thought it a strange coincidence that she had planned, he said, to go to an art museum as an outing.

I am not against him having friends of the opposite sex, or having social engagements without me around, but this sounds like a date, which I said to him nicely.

He didn’t go out with that girl that day, but it wasn’t ruled out completely for the future. The expanding of the network thing is a new development from him. He just graduated college and he said he wants to meet and make new friends, guys, girls, musicians, artists, etc. He is an artist and a musician himself. I am not a very social person. He used to say it was one of the reasons he liked me and that he was the same way. Now he says he’ll be meeting and hanging out with people, maybe himself alone with a girl. He also mentioned that in a hypothetical, indirect way, he is sussing out potential girlfriends. That if things didn’t work out with me, he didn’t want to be friendless.

On one side, I feel telling him not to hang out with girls alone is possessive and backward. On the other, I don’t feel comfortable with him hanging out in something like scenario described above.

I really love him and I thought he loved me, but is this a red flag for the relationship?

[Krs]

HI realistoptimist...

In my honest opinion I would yes this is a red flag! Im sorry.

Why on earth would he be worried about being friendless if he was really thinking about a future with you, he is obviously thinking the contrary!

I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend went out alone with another girl.. esp a girl I don't know. Within a group of people, maybe, but alone, I just wouldn't, and same goes for him. Its unethical I think, unfair, with no respect.

Why would he be so interested to get to know her better, when he has a girlfriend whom he told he loves? :cool: :confused:

[talaniman]

This is a big red flag no matter if you appreciate the honesty, it is insulting that he thinks you'll go along with this arrangement. You both are at different places in your life and your b/f has wild oats to sow. You've obviously given his confidence a boost but his gratitude is too selfish for an exclusive relationship. You have every right to expect honesty and loyalty from him, but I doubt if he is ready for what you want. Let him go ,you can't change how he feels.

[K_3]

Definite red flag. It sounds to me like since he is out of college, he is going to change his life. Meet new people, be more social have lots of female friends. Not really a candidate for boyfriend material, is it? He sounds like he is ready to start playing around. Was he on a tight budget while in college? I would never want to be with someone who wants to have a few wing people in case something happened between us. Chalk it up to a fun experience and ride on out of his life. You may love him now, but give it a few months and you will not be liking him and there will be some hurt feelings and bad memories.

[Krs]

I wouldn't want a boyfriend who is already thinking of a future without me!
Because indirectly that's what he is saying.

I would let him go, before you get even more hurt!

[ilovcali]

Yes red flag. And major red flag for not mentioning he has a girlfriend. Of course that is relevant. Are you kidding me? How many times have I approached a girl at a bar to hit on her and been told she has a boyfriend right off that bat. Sometimes it's because they're not interested, but sometimes that is a fact and they should let you know that. My ex did the same thing. Guys would approach her all the time, and she'd never mention she had a boyfriend. He wants to become friends with someone but not mention that he has a girlfriend? Aren't you a big part of his life and any friend he makes should be aware of this part of his life? Why would he keep that secret?

You tell him that he must tell his "friend" that you are his girlfriend. If he can't do that, run! Also, based on what you said, he's much younger, just out of college. When I was that age, I broke up with my girlfriend at that time, and moved to a new city. I wanted to have fun, date girls, get laid a bunch. In this day and age, the majority of people in their mid-twenties are looking to have fun, enjoy life, be single. Most of my friends were just like me. Some had solid relationships, but they were rare, and they had been with those girls for years, some since high school.

I wasn't looking for monogomy and love when I was 25. I'm not saying he's like I was, but he could be. I'm sure this guy likes you, but he's not as committed to you as you are to him. That's not his fault. His fault is playing you. He should be honest to you. My ex was not honest with me in my opinion. She never cheated on me, but she effected my mental stability. She said she was committed, wanted marriage and kids. But she'd do absurd things. Only difference was she was older than me, which made it slightly weirder. Read my post https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ice-30454.html

Be careful with this guy I'd say. Don't be a fool. This guy will eventually make you go crazy unless you take a stand now. My 2 cents.

[valinors_sorrow]

The guideline for us with friends of the opposite gender is... if she is really just a friend, then it's a given that you would naturally be invited too. It's the exclusion that feels weird. If he needs to diliberately exclude you from it, then what is requiring that? It better be good, LOL.

[Wildcat21]

Yes - something really smells here. What does your gut tell you?

I have to feel Mr. 25 year old is trying to have his cake and eat to.

He HAS you = there is NO challenge for him... early on, and your relationship is DEFINTELT very early... there has to be a challenge, mystery...

He has taken you for granted.

You don't trust him. He doesn't respect you.

You need TRUST and RESPECT.

I'd break with this guy and then you will see how committed he was to you. Seriously.

[Doublell]

This is not a red flag, it's the red flag. Sounds like he's working out back plans. Why would he need backup plans if he was indeed totally happy. Make some backup plans of your own, mainly with your heart. Good luck.. by the way I am in the eastern time zone.. it is now 3:19pm, but this site is three hours ahead, can anyone address that?

[kp2171]

As much as I am one to argue the a-guy-can-be-friends-with-a-girl-without-being-a-cheater point to death... as I've argued in other posts here, this just feels a little off.

The difference is that I can go out with a friend who is a woman, without my companion... but I'm not opposed to my partner knowing this friend, being around this friend... just as my partner has guys friends she goes out with from time to time without me present.

I think the networking thing can be relevant, especially when you start working somewhere new,and when you are young... but at the very least, he's being a little disrespectful of you.

So it comes down to how much you can trust him. People who have lots of friendships are generally happier and live longer. The pursuit of friends, even of the opposite sex, is not a bad thing.

But if you are feeling like your relationship is taking a back seat to this... well then there is a clear conflict.

[ilovcali]

I maybe making a generalization here, but usually I think if a guy thinks a girl is "cute" and actually says this to his girlfriend, he is most likely attracted to her. Whenever I tell a girlfriend that another girl is cute, I am basically saying I think the other girl is attractive. Maybe this is just me though.

Usually there should be no problem with your partner hanging out with members of the opposite sex. But this secret nonsense is not cool. That is crap and I went down this road with my ex. You'll go nuts because his actions are putting doubts into your head. You should never have doubts like that. It's not healthy. Couples that are committed may have doubts, like getting cold feet and such, personal doubts that everyone has in their head. But neither partner should do things that actively put doubts into the other partner's head. Not cool. I think this is the beginning of the end unless your boyfriend is honest and removes doubts from you mind.

[Wildcat21]

He cali - I didn't hear back from you - what did you think of what I said?

[ilovcali]

Weird. I emailed you back three days ago. I'll send it again. Just sent you the email.

[realistoptomist]

Thanks everyone.

I did break up with the arsehole two days ago. I needed confirmation that I did the right thing and that I wasn't overreacting, which is how he framed it. Why freakin' bother to keep someone around that you don't care about?

Wildcat: You're right on target: Arsehole wanted his cake and to eat it too. As for the challenge thing, I'll keep that in mind for the future.

Everyone's thoughts and time is greatly appreciated. K. Moving on.

Update: He hasn't called. I did tell him not to call me, but I hoped he would. I'm guessing this is the opportunity he needed to call the other girl. I feel so played.

[Krs]

Rather sooner than later, you would have been more hurt.
He is a loser, you don't need a loser for a boyfriend.
Good Luck.

[Wildcat21]

Interesting. But, seriosly - find a guy closer to your age... 25 year guys are usually going on age 14. The age difference between a 25 year old boy and a 32 year old women is HUGE.

Most guys really aren't ready/capable of a real commitment until after age 30.

You won't hear from him I bet - he's sounds too imature.

[s_cianci]

Yes, it's a red flag. Proceed accordingly.

[Krs]

Interesting. But, seriosly - find a guy closer to your age....25 year guys are usually going on age 14. The age difference between a 25 year old boy and a 32 year old women is HUGE.

Most guys really aren't ready/capable of a real commitment until after age 30.

You wont hear from him I bet - he's sounds too imature.

Couldn't spread the love Wildcat but great point about the age difference.
If it were vice-versa it wouldn't be a problem...
But younger guys are definitley more immature!

[Wildcat21]

Yes - I agree - most yopumger women a much more mature. ALL 25 year old guys are imature.