[Jman13]

Hello everybody. Im new to this whole thing, since I'm usually the one helping and not the one asking the questions so much. But I'm seeking a bit of help or mind easing. Sorry that this is so unorganized and long.

Ive been dating this girl now for about 6 months(im 17, she's 15 ) Im fully and completely in love with her as she is with me. She has had a lot of hardships in her life, abusive dad, then a divorce with her dad and mom when she was a young kid, then abandonment issues with her dad, a mom that's well.. interesting, not the abusive type, just the type to say hurtful things at times ( so I think at times she qualify's). My girlfriend has also been raped twice, and has been sexually abused by older guys since she was 11 ( by many PIGs of older teen guys). Last year she was raped about 3 months apart each time( once right before we started daiting, one 3 months after). That is hard to deal with, and recently she just got out of a depression hospital, I talked her in to going there, and talked her mom in to taking her there, because she's depressed because of the many hardships she's went threw in her life. ( it was a average 3-5 day program at a 24/7 behavioral health place, and they kept her for 14 days( which is 3X more then the average)then a week of half days where she was there 9-3) from what I herd from her mom was that of the many phycologists and doctors she saw there, they all agreed she's very traumatized and hurt by her past, and they said she was very "gone" and on the edge of suicide. My girlfriend has No self confidence, no self worth, thinks everyone is better then her, pretty much she thinks she's dirt and is ashamed of her past and what she's done, and doesn't stand up for her self or ever say no.




well anyway, ill start at the beginning. My issue is thinking about her past, I don't do it often, just wanted some tips to avoid doing it and some advice.

a few months ago, I started learning about her past EVERYTHING about her past. The Real bad negative started when she was 11, because she had abandonment issues( I've herd because of what her dad did and what he's like), she met this 17 year old guy at church, a small group leader person for her youth group. Soon after, he was very nice to her and all and well asked her out, and she started daiting him * I don't know what kind of 17 year old wants to date a 11 year old, I think its sick and wrong* WEll soon after she stared daiting him, about 2 weeks later, he wanted sex and completely changed and turned in to a , and my girlfriend was pretty much raped, but she gave in because she wanted to make him happy and because she was new to the whole guy thing and this was a older guy giving her attention, and well because this guy turned out to be just like her dad, very manipulative and 2 sided. So over time he abused her physically, sexually and mentally, taking her V card at the age of 11, almost getting her pregnant at 12, trashing her confidence and taking away everything she pretty much had and thought about her self. She dated him for about 2 years off and on. In between she got caught up with some of his older friends, who at THAT time were 18 and another 19, she dated both for about a month, * she was 12 then* and as you can assume, these guys had to be pervs, and she wanted to feel wanted by these older people * I'm assuming because of abandonment issues because of her very physically / mentally abusive father* so she was involved with these 2 guys for a bit, pretty much All these kinds of guys would have her sneak out at night, go to have sex, then drop her off, and she would even stay at some of there houses over a weekend. The original boyfriend who started all these big problems she would go back to all the time. He would cheat on her, and tell her about it, he did it lots and lots, but she loved him and he trashed her, in every way possible. Including Telling her things like if you don't do this for that guy I'm going to leave you, or hit you and that kind of stuff, so she did lots of stuff to many other guys for his pleasure when she was about 13/14 * she was with him from about age 11-14 on and off * so he had her do many things as in oral with tons of guys, then have his 2 other friends at a party have sex with her and make her do it while he watched and that kind of sick stuff. Basically, she was used by about a dozen guys as just a sex toy, that's all they wanted, and she never ever said no to them, because she didn't know she could, she was brainwashed, and sex is all they wanted, multiple times a day, sometimes the one main Guy would drive to her house late at night to have sex in his car or at his house, even on a school night, then he would drop her back off at home before her mom was awake to know she even had left. These guys were the type of guys to say ill love you if you do this, or say I called you pretty earler, now do this for me, and if she didn't do something theyd yell, or hit her or say there gana break up with her and not love her anymore, and she feared that, and didn’t want that.

I have helped my girlfriend get over a lot of this stuff, I've got her to go to consoling for it, her parents know about this now because of me and convincing her she needs to tell, and she's also been to the doctor, and all is good there * which is very lucky* right now she's battling severe depression, which I believe is from all the durt bags who hurt her threw out her entire life so far, and have taken many things from her, and hurt her beyond what anyone can see. Not to mention she's in the middle of a police investigation, I also got her to file a report of 2 guys who forceably raped her last year.

My girlfriend when she met me new I was different, and I have proven that not all guys are the same, I have been takening care of her in many ways, making her close to her parents, getting her consoling, teaching her how to stand up for her self and how to say no, even to me I want her to say no, and she has, and I'm glad. Ive taught her so much these past few months and I've shown her what love is , and what its like to have someone care about you and love you, and she's doing a lot better and is on the road to recovery.

What I'm asking for, is does anyone have any ideas to help me not think about this kind of stuff? Its hard being in a relationship sometimes when you know your girlfriend has been with so many guys, and when you know the details of those relationships, even down to the sexual things, but this is different, she's an abuse victim and I understand that and I get there was no consent with any of these other guys, just abuse, I need her as she needs me and were great together, and very open. I just am seeking advice on how to deal with things, and keep them off my mind, and at times ( I'm only human) I may wonder if they did sertin things better, if they were better looking, and that kind of stuff( that I'm sure most people wonder about there gf's past relationships) how to not think about that kind of stuff. Its hard sometimes knowing the things we do together in real love for the first time for her, she's done with many people, the intimate physical things she used to feel nothing for, and she got sex more then she ever got kissed. I haven't had many sexual relationships at all, sex is very special to me, and to her the gift has been taken so many times, it means nothing to her. ( any tips on how to make sex special for her again?) any help on anything is greatly appreciated.

well thanks for all the advice, tips, for reading this and anything else

( and if you were wondering, my girlfriend is doing a lot better )

[talaniman]

The thing is, your really to young and inexperience to be any help, or support for some one with some really special needs. Even some adults have poor coping skills, but you have the curse of youth also.

Its really about how you deal with your feelings, when those thoughts come up, so what ever you do, don't act out and take it out on her as this is not her problem, and she has enough of her own to deal with.

The best I can tell you is, to not act, or speak impulsively, or dishonestly, and keep it fun, casual, and be more a good friend, and forget being a lover at this point.

Don't know if I was clear or not, but I can't give you skills you don't have right now.

Life will do that.

[PinkParisKitty]

First thing I feel obligated to say: I know that y'all are only 2 years apart, but the minute you turn 18, friend, things will change. I am sort of concerned about the age of consent in your state (not that I think anything sexual is going on in your case). In my state (Texas) the age of consent is legally 17. So you need to be very very careful about sexual relations. She may not view it as abuse, but law will, and its them you have to worry about more.

Another reason I put this out there is that a girl who has suffered sexual trauma may seek to cope with her abuse by acting out in attention-seeking/sexual ways with someone she trusts. You want to support her, but sexually abused victims often utilise sex as a form of manipulation. They see it as a form of self-soothing, and then self-destruction if they feel the person in question has failed them. So you are walking onto a mine-field when you ask about "making sex special for her again".
You should be figuring out how to show her what a relationship apart from sex is like. Give her an example of a man that is not out for her body, but for her spirit. She will appreciate you more, and sex (in the future) will be special for her again when she feels that she is validated in body AND spirit.

You sound like a very giving, loving person who wants the best for this young lady. As such, I want to say that the last thing you or she needs right now is to be concerned with physical expression of intimacy right now. If I were you I would focus on the friendship part of your relationship first. This is the most lasting part and the physical chemistry will still be there after all is said and done. If you truly love this girl you need to support her, and love her with your heart.

Sex will always be a complicated issue for this girl unfortunately. You can show her (much much later) that YOU are different from others and therefore sex with you will be different. I urge you to put more time in emotional investment and interaction before you start (or even perhaps continue) engaging in sexual practices with this girl. She needs time, support and love of a friendly nature (versus a sexual one) to build her self-esteem and self-worth back up.

I wish you luck. It is an uphill battle but I can tell you that you are very compassionate young man to have the constitution to want help such a troubled girl.

I wish peace upon her.

[child4ever]

You are obviously her everything. Just get her away from all that. You sound like a good guy. Believe it or not, there are a couple. Not many. But a couple

[cherilyndria]

I'm going to tell you now, I was in a bad relationship, and sex with someone like that, or them for this matter, isn't good, and I can pretty much guarantee that you are better looking, because those guys in her mind are monsters, and more skilled, because with you it's wanted.

And sex with someone you love is always special. If you guys love each other as much as you say you do, then it's not sex like she's known, it's making love, and that is something very special. I hope that helps, you are just new and unsure, be confident. And I truly hope that someday she will see what true happiness is, and I hope that you will be there to experience it with her, until then, enjoy what you have. Good luck to you both.

[slapshot_oi]

i dont know what kind of 17 year old wants to date a 11 year old

That's the most repulsive thing I've read all week. I'm getting old, but I remember when I was 17, and that ain't right.

Run.

[Jman13]

Just want to say thanks to everybody.
( sorry for my poor spelling and grammar)

And no, I don't beleave being young is a curse. Its situations like these that make people stronger, relationships closer, and people better off and safer/healthyer, and with out Situations like these to test us, and build our skills, where would we get them?

Im by no means perfect. But I care about this girl, as she is my everything.

She is the most caring, nice, attached, clingy ( not in a bad way) fun, loveing and love able girl I've ever met, and I'm going to stand by her side no matter what.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but she's the kind of girl that when there's a small screw up, or if she says something she regrets saying, or accidentally hurts me, she takes it hard and feels terrible. Like for example I don't remember exactly what the situation was ( but it was in good fun and humor) but we were messing around and joking and such and for some reason she called me stupid ( I didn't care, we were joking around and such) and after she said it she got sad, and I'm like what's wrong hun, and she's like I called you stupid, and sometimes would even end up crying over little things like that, that don't matter to me, didn't hurt me, and over things I may not even notice. And when we get in to LITTLE fights ( seriously in the 6months+ we've been daiting, id say we've had THREE disagreements, that were from MISSCOMMUNICATION and misunderstanding, they wernt fights, and they resulted in us not talking/texting for like half an hour each time, and she crys and crys because she thinks I'm going to leave her over something little, something petty, so every time there's a disagreement or we have a small scuffle I have to text her and tell her I love you and fights don't change feelings, they don't change love, and that kind of stuff, she's a HUGE worry wart and worrys about too much stuff. Not to mention most days when I have to go home, she ends up crying in the car ride when I'm headed home, because she knows she's going to miss me and stuff like that.

( we live about 20 mns away by car, and I have no license or car right now, so we rely on parents to transport us, and her parents only will drive us on the weekends, so we usually only get 1-2 days with each other a week, and we talk on the phone about 2-4 and sometimes even 2-6 hours a day and we text pretty much here and there all threw the day)

The concent age in my state is 16, so when I turn 18, there will only be about 2 months where we will not be "legal" but that isn't until next summer ( I'm July, she's nov) and her parents love me to death, because of what I offer her, do for her, and because they say I'm a real good guy. I try my best, and sometimes we all fail at sertin things, but I'm not a runner, and I'm not a quitter, I love this girl. ANd I'm here to help her and support her no matter if I have the skills to or not. She's here for me when I need her at times, and I'm surely here for her. She's told me a lot I'm the reason why she just didn't kill her self months ago, she said I keep her breathing because she is happy around me, and has a strong feeling I won't hurt her, and she has a feeling we will be together and have years of memorys together and such ( yes she talks about marriage and kids and stuff) but that's completely okay.

Recently we did have sex, we've only had sex a few times. But we have... this was around the 6 month mark.

I have shown her what a relationship is like with out sex and with out being physical, and is there any way I can tell when she's getting better with that stuff, because I mean getting horny at times is part of being a teenager and part of life and this age. When do I know when and what has crossed the line, when its getting destructive and when is what she's doing is because of her past, or if its just her being a teenage girl or what not, because I'm no expert, but most Non tramatised teenage couples I beleave have sex somewhere in the 2,3-6 month range of daiting. IS that right? Is it normal for teen couples to do that kind of stuff? Any advice there? Should I not have sex with her? It by no means will be or is a regular thing, but should I not let it happen? Or what?

And how do I go about dealing with her when she does get horny. I am a guy, I beleave myself to be very and more sexually tame and responsible then most 17 yr old guys ( and I have VERY good self control) , I enjoy being initimate and physical at times when the time is right. I do not need sex, I do not need the physical part, but I enjoy both, and I don't want to just get rid of being physical.

Any more advice?

Thanks again to everyone.

[starbuck8]

I had to really think about answering your question. I want to say that it is nice of you to want to help this young girl that has had so many people treat her very badly. I can see that you want to play the role of rescuing her from the "bad guys," and you want so much to be her "knight in shining armour." The things you have done to get her help are admirable.

However, I do believe you need to be very careful. It is my understanding, that what Talaniman meant when he said you have "the curse of youth," is that unfortunately you don't have the insight of life experience under your belt, and you are also still a teenager with raging hormones. This is not to say that you are not mature for your age, or a very loving and caring individual. It just means that you lack the knowledge and experience on how to deal with some of these issues. That is just a fact, and it doesn't matter if you are a mature 17 yr. old (and I have a sense that you are) you are still 17. I can remember when I was 17, and thought I was so much ahead of my peers, and that I could handle things. I thought I could help people, and make everything better. Once I got older, I realized that although I could be there for someone I loved, and it helped a little, I couldn't save them from themselves.

See, here if where the problem starts. She sees you as her "Superman," so to say. She will reley on you to do everything for her, and in the end that won't help her. It worries me when you say, she is "YOUR WORLD."---and you are "HER WORLD." This is not good! I know you are probably wondering why? Why would that be a bad thing? But it is! Trust me it is. You WILL understand this as you get older. You are setting yourself up for a great deal of hurt if you let it be this way. Helping her is one thing, but being her whole world is another. This is not healthy in ANY relationship, let alone a young relationship.

You have already said that she cries when she knows that she won't see you for a few days. She is becoming too dependent upon you to be her rock, and she doesn't know how to deal with real life situations without you. This is totally understandable because of what she has been through, and the fact the you are both so very young still, but again is not healthy.

Your girlfriend needs to work through her own experiences without you being there all of the time to pick up the pieces. She is going to have to learn that she doesn't need a man in order to be okay! If you don't let her do this, I can almost guarantee you that you won't be in the picture in a year or two. She will remember you as 'the nice guy who was there for her when she needed help!' I know you will probably dispute this, but come back in a few yrs. And tell me I was wrong. I sincerely would like you to tell me that I was, because I would like to be wrong in this situation.

You are an association with the bad things that have happened to her, even though you are the good guy. If you truly want to help her, I would discontinue having sex right now. I'm sure she says it's different with you, but you aren't helping her emotionally or sexually by having sex with her at this point. You need to rewind a bit, and just be there for her emotionally at this point.

As far as what you should do to stop thinking about if the other guys were better looking, or if they did other things are concerned? This is where the youth part comes in. As Tal said, it's hard enough for most adults to cope with those feelings. Trust me, just stop thinking about it period. It does you no good to think about those things. You don't want to have knowledge of those things. Put that in the past, and focus on the future. If you don't, it is certain to cause problems in many areas in your relationship.

[LetLiveLetBe]

Jman,

You've got some stuff going on don't you? And your girlfriend does to. I could write a yellow pages size book on my own personal abuse, but not necessary at this point. I just wanted you to know I can relate.

I'm 38, and have gotten past a lot of the trauma that has to be dealt with in order to begin to start to feel alive again.

You sound like a great guy and she is really lucky to have you in her life because you are right, not all men are like abusers and for you to give that gift to your girlffiend at such an early stage in her life is wonderful.

Now, for the sticky part... you may not want to hear this...

Having sex with your girlfriend right now, might not be the best for either of you. Your ultimate question of your original post was how can I stop thinking about this stuff?

Well, you're going to have a very difficult time doing that because of your age and your physical hormones. Guys your age are suppose to really be thinking about one thing... procreating, it's the human natural tendency, the issue is we've been on earth for 1000's of years so youngs guys like yourself aren't really "procreating" if you know what I mean... sorry, maybe not a good time for a joke.

But, at your age it not so simple to not get sex and love mixed up, but try and think of this... sex can come and go and it can come and go with out love. Love does not come and go. Your girlfriend has been traumatized and she MOST LIKELY has not come to terms with a lot of her abuse... again she really lucky to have you encouraging her.

Here's the sad part... when girls are violated sexually they become permiscuoious. Meaning they don't know how to have healthy and safe sexual boundaries for themselves because they have been violated, and in many cases the girls believe it's okay (that is a complex issue within a complex issue)...

My son is 18 and he had a girlfriend for 1 year and a half and he is still a virgin. That was his decision (and as a mom I am glad he made that choice)... But I believe he choose not to have sex because he was not ready for unwanted consequences.

I would recommend that you and your girlfiend go to therapist together if you can? You might want to look on the internet for free or group relationship adive. Often you'll find these sorts of classes in public health facilities and or women's legal centers or women help shelters. You and your girlfriend with the aid of a professional and work through things.

But here please... you're young and becareful getting caught up in all of the complications of your girlfriends life. It's really easy when you love someone to give them all you've got... only to find out a little to late that you may have given too much and yourself begins to fade...

I made a few mistakes in my young womenness and there are a few men who helped me, and I thank them still to this day, but I didn't know and I took too much of their niceness... and our relationships didn't work out in the long run.

I hope this helps... I wish the best to you. Please take care of yourself.

[Jman13]

Thanks.

Im going to talk to her about this stuff later. Me and her are VERY open with each other and very honest with each other, weather we like the answer or not, we tell each other the truth on everything, even if it hurts.

And yeah, she's working on getting better boundaries and self confidence, she sees her self as dirt, and doesn't really have boundaries. Im teaching her how to also defend her self and to say No. and I'm making good progress. She told me that I'm the frist guy to ask her to say no sometimes, and pretty much taught her how to say no, and for when she says no, to take the answer, drop the subject, and not begg or make her do something even though she said no. AS in I'm the only guy she can say no to, and feel okay and comfertable doing that, and I take the answer, I don't make it a yes, I leave it as no and I'm fine with no. ( I like hearing no, lol it means progress is being made, so its like YAY you said no to me, I'm glad you don't want to do that right now, and stuff :] )



Im not trying to sound like a no it all or anything, but I'm pretty sure I know what love is, with out sex, Love comes BEFORE SEX and sex should come way later. Initimacy comes before sex, and adds to it, Sex is NOT initimacy. WE are very initimate in the sense of close in many ways. And I know I can separate the feelings of sex and love very equally. Did sex strengthen my feelings for her? Yes, seeing as I have Not had sex with many people ( one other person, the one I lost my virginity too) I know the difference, I just hope she does, and I'm going to try and help and make sure she knows the difference. Because she told me before that SEX doesn't even mean love to her, it means Nothing, not even love. She never really new what it was like to be loved before, and I have shown her and will be showing her for a long long time. I know love. At times when I see her or talk to her I can just start crying, because I love her so much and I consider myself to be so lucky to have a great girlfriend like her. I think I'm blessed and I think she's my angel. She's the best girlfriend and best friend anyone could ask for. And I know I love her, and I know she loves me. But yeah, there are a lot of issues we need to work out about her self, and I'm going to help do that. But I'm pretty sure I know what love is, and I don't confuse love for sex.



(she also said I'm the only guy she feels comfortable enough around to be naked or what not, because she knows I like what I see, and I'm the only guy to not insult her about her looks or what not, everyother guy, had insulted her, or called her names and that kind of sick mean stuff.)

My girlfriend has been getting serious counseling lately, a lot, and her parents and consolers know it all I'm pretty sure. So she is getting help. And she has me and one of her best friends to help and encourage her along the way as well.