Check out some similar questions!

had12mny · Jan 20, 2009, 02:19 PM

We have been married for almost 20 years. Our sex life has only been so so for all of them. I have had what I would call good sex with women before her so unfortunately I know what I am missing.

Sex with her is always about her and never just about me. We spend 20 minutes bringing her to orgasm with various uncomfortable positions. By the time she is done I am ready to explode so I get to do what makes me happy for the remaining 30 seconds. If she doesn't orgasm after 20 minutes or more she becomes very frustrated and then just lies there "allowing" me to finish.

Needles to say, we have NEVER had a quickie or anything spontaneous as this may result in us having to be quick about it and her not orgasming.

I am very giving in bed and always want to make sure my partner is satisfied even at my own expense. I guess I just expect the same every once in a while.

Is it too much to ask that sex be all about me every once in a while?

Here is another good example that I dwell on constantly. Years back, I asked for a BJ while I was driving. She fondled me for 45 minutes or more but no BJ. I eventually worked up the courage to ask if it was going to happen and her response was "what about me" Well, I had two choices. Pull over and have our usual crappy sex or put up with a raging erection for the rest of the trip. I pulled over and was finished in about 2 seconds which really upset her and we didn't speak the rest of the trip.

We have talked about this a dozen times or so over the last 20 years and each conversation ends with her saying she understand but nothing changes.

What to do?

19laura91 · Jan 20, 2009, 02:56 PM

Try a 69 you will both get pleasure out of that, take in turns going on top(my boyfriend says the same thing as you so you are not alone LOL) hope this helps. Good luck

smoothy · Jan 20, 2009, 03:35 PM

THere are lots of different positions... you can try them and find what works better for both of you.

I think you both need to talk a lot more... not argue, not accuse but talk.

It doesn't really HAVE to be about either of you, it should be more about both of you.

450donn · Jan 20, 2009, 03:57 PM

Sounds to me like this is an issue that has been boiling in the back of your mind for a really long time. Get over it! Maybe you need to get some professional help to help you deal with this. Sex in a happy and loving relationship is not the most important thing in the world.

chrissymarie · Jan 20, 2009, 04:57 PM

I would send her a link to this post. She will probably get it then. You were very clear about how your feeling in this post. Have you ever spoken to her about this with so much detail? Let her know you are not satisfied with sex. Just tell her what you want and if it doesn't start happening keep it in your pants. If she can't and isn't willing please you she doenst deserve to have sex with you. Just masterbate until she's willing to put some effort into your sex life. Some sex workshops for married couples in your area might be a great idea to spice up your sex life.

neverme · Jan 21, 2009, 12:08 AM

Maybe if you write it down, exactly how you feel as you've done here. I'd probably leave out the BJ story as it may come across as blaming although I understand that you were trying to illustrate a point, and show it to her.

Sometimes when emotions are right there in front of us in black and white it is easier to let them take their full toll and meaning.

Maybe..

had12mny · Jan 21, 2009, 08:38 AM

Thanks for all the replies. Some good suggestions. I have spoken to here in excruciating detail and included the BJ story as an illustration. I am never accusatory or angry when we speak.

One more thing that really confuses me is she is so giving in every other aspect of our life. She worries that I won't like a dinner that she has selected, or that her part of the housework is up to par for me. She will go out of her way to make sure gifts on special occasions are just what I was looking for. I have told her time and time again that those things aren't at all as important as a satisfying sexual experience once in a while and still nothing.

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts and suggestions.

BTW, I have been to see a couple of different therapist over the years working through some of my issues as well.

smoothy · Jan 21, 2009, 08:53 AM

I think the key is finding the right tone and words that she might respond to. Everyone is more responsive when asked just the right way.

I don't believe she is a bad person at heart... its all a matter of getting her to see this one thing from a different perspective.

450donn · Jan 21, 2009, 11:00 AM

She actually sounds like my wife in some respects. What is her background? Was she raised in a repressive religious home?

Nymph101 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:33 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

I think the key is finding the right tone and words that she might respond to. Everyone is more responsive when asked just the right way.

I don't believe she is a bad person at heart....its all a matter of getting her to see this one thing from a different perspective.

Yeh I agree. Although I'm assuming during 20 years of marriage, you've nevertheless considered every possible tactic, tone and approach you can and more than anybody here could ever suggest in a thread.

Have you suggested counselling? Maybe because she's only heard it from you for all these years, she fails to take it seriously any more. Perhaps hearing it from another person, and a different perspective, especially a professional one, would help her to understand.

I know some people aren't that willing to want to talk about their personal business and perhaps she is too proud, but (I know it's a cliché and easy to say, but it's true) if she loves you, she should try to meet you halfway with a view to a resolution. Because what she's doing right now is a bit selfish.

Obvious question I know, but have you made it clear how serious this problem is for you and how much it affects you? Because the problem may be that she doesn't even think there's much of a problem.

smoothy · Jan 22, 2009, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by Nymph101

Yeh I agree. Although I'm assuming during 20 years of marriage, you've nevertheless considered every possible tactic, tone and approach you can and more than anybody here could ever suggest in a thread.

Have you suggested counselling? Maybe because she's only heard it from you for all these years, she fails to take it seriously any more. Perhaps hearing it from another person, and a different perspective, especially a professional one, would help her to understand.

I know some people aren't that willing to want to talk about their personal business and perhaps she is too proud, but (I know it's a cliché and easy to say, but it's true) if she loves you, she should try to meet you halfway with a view to a resolution. Because what she's doing right now is a bit selfish.

Obvious question I know, but have you made it clear how serious this problem is for you and how much it affects you? Because the problem may be that she doesn't even think there's much of a problem.

Its hard to get specific on WHAT to say and HOW to say it because there are so many variables. What might be the ticket for one woman might send another over the edge, etc... everyone has their buttons, the good ones and the bad ones. Only the husband if he has been observant over the years will know what she responds well to and how it should be presented. We have to assume he has, but sadly all too many guys don't, just as too many women don't as well. That's why so many end up divorced.

You have to find a day she is in really good spirits, and find a tone and words she can't take offense to that she steers herself into the conclusion you wish and not push her to it where she will get defensive.

Delicate thing there and it takes the intimate knowledge of a spouse all married couples should have developed.

Synnen · Jan 22, 2009, 12:55 PM

The thing is this: It is NOT a problem for her. At all.

So she can't see why it's a problem for you.

No matter how often you try to explain it to her, she isn't going to get it, because it's not HER problem.

So... either convince her to get counseling with you, or make it HER problem too. Every time something is just about her, refuse to give in to making it JUST about her again until it's just about YOU in exchange.

neverme · Jan 22, 2009, 01:03 PM

Jees Synnen,

That's lovely but not necessarily a bad idea!! :)

Choux · Jan 23, 2009, 01:39 PM

I sounds to me like hidden(or not so hidden) resentments on both sides are making for a bad sexual atmosphere. Passionless and mechanical.

If you two don't have tender feelings for each other somewhere, but instead relate from the emotion of anger, in my opinion, just quit the unpleasantness. It sounds depressing to me.

You all are not going to live forever.

I say get some couple's counselling to get back "that loving feeling"... if not, make an agreement to have a sexless. But friendly, marriage... and each get better sex elsewhere.

Justwantfair · Jan 23, 2009, 01:50 PM

How often do you have sexual relations? My boyfriend is so offended about the times he wants sex to be "just about him". It's not that the fact bothers me as much as we only have time and energy for one another once, possibly twice a week, so if it's only about him then I am waiting that much longer to be satisfied and it seems very selfish on his part.

Our solution is to ensure that we are active enough that when he asks for a session that is exclusively about him there will be a time that I will be taken care of with him in the very near future so that it's not just that much longer I have to wait for our next encounter. Even a quickie can get a woman worked up and its not fair to work her up and tell her oh well either. You have to make it pleasurable for the both of you.

princessdiana28 · Jan 24, 2009, 07:09 PM

Maybe she feels inadequate and is afraid that she won't pleasure you in the way you want. Since you stated she is so giving and caring in other respects. I can understand the BJ story. Not all women enjoy performing oral sex on a man. However, could you possibly inch her in the direction you want to go by giving her some nighty that you would want to see her in? If she wears it, go on and on about how happy that made you. Write her a kinky letter and ask her to act it out with you. In the mean time... has there been some cheating issues?

smoothy · Jan 26, 2009, 08:03 AM

I may want to say that I've been married for 17 years... and dated for quite a few years before that.

I've never felt a need for the act with a woman to be "about me" . If you want it to be about YOU then go maturbate.

Kadehadaire · Jan 26, 2009, 12:01 PM

I am very sorry that your marriage has suffered because of this. It is difficult posting your problems on here, let alone with some of the replies people give you.

Sex is important, no matter what some people say. From the sounds of things, she does love you because of the evidence of the things she does for you. So you can take comfort knowing it is a lust issue, not a love issue.

Perhaps nothing has changed because she doesn't know what it feels like. Have you thought of treating her to some of her medicine (not vengefully, but educationally)? Maybe for a few weeks you can either refrain from sex, or maybe you can have your pleasure without thinking of her too much.

When something erupts from her, frustration or a complaint, you can gently point out that it has been that way for you for 20 years. Make sure she knows its not revenge.

Sex is about the two of you, not "her" or "me". I know it's a complicated issue, and thanks for sharing.

liz28 · Jan 26, 2009, 01:17 PM

Were the two of you having sex before the two of you got married? If so, then maybe you would've known she was a selfish lover.

I must admit that sex isn't everything in a married but it does count and as you stated you always been the giver in this department so if she doesn't want to take the necessary steps to satisfy you, I don't think she'll ever change. Especially if she doesn't want a third party to interne or isn't paying attention to your concerns on this issue.

Jake2008 · Jan 26, 2009, 02:34 PM

I'm wondering about a couple of things.

If she is an otherwise loving, loyal, agreeable, fun loving, healthy, normal female, her expertise, or lack of, isn't a reason to fault her for not satisfying you.

If you had not been as experienced as you said you were before marriage, and knew what better sex was, there wouldn't be a problem right? You would not be expecting more, in other words, if you've never had it better than what is is now.

If you have a good relationship otherwise, address the issue. It's bothering you, and needs to come to some sort of resolve, it is no less important than any other problem that puts a wedge between couples.

Suggest sex therapy. Buy books. Get some good movies, magazines, research off the net. Provide some framework that may lead to a more satisfying sex life- for both of you.

Perhaps she too had better lovers? Maybe there is improvement to be made on both sides of the coin.