[beebeecee]

I've had some time to be introspective and look at my life, and recently something strange came to light. I was talking to one of my friends when I realised how strange it might be - you tell me.

My whole life my mother has insisted that I always have less than she does. By less I don't mean quantity, I mean quality. Since I was very small, if she got a new coat that cost $300 I was only allowed to get one for $100. She insists on wearing this one type of tennis shoe that's $150 and never bargain shops, but as I was growing up and needed shoes I was always made to wait till sales, I mean told repeatedly to wait until sales it was made into a huge deal and when I did I was never allowed to by anything more than about $55 - not allowed to have more than one pair of tennis shoes and a pair of sandals while she has always had many pairs that she doesn't need or wear.

Years ago we fostered a dog who had four puppies, one solid black puppy was the light of my life, we kept all four until they were 5 months old and he was learning to jump into my arms I'd already taught him to heel - my parents specificly said this pup was mine to keep, when the day came that two adoptive homes were found my mother kept for herself what was considered the 'prettiest' puppy and gave mine to the shelter and gave me another of the pups, while I was gone at the fair totally without warning. She made it clear she did it out of spite for something I'd done. I've never gone back to the fair and she's actively encoraged that.

When our old dog died, as I was looking at her body, my mother turned to me and said, well, if only you hadn't wanted to go swimming I might have had the money to take her to the vet huh? If she'd posed the question to me - swimming or dog goes to vet when it came time to buy a pass to the swimming pool at the beginning of that summer, I'd have chosen the vet but I never knew and she never gave me the option. I was 10, I've never gone swimming again. Swimming was my only social outlet - the only place I talked to people outside of my parents and also my only means of excersize.

When I got into middle school where there were actual after school activities, mom started bragging about all her awards and fantastic things she did while in the choir when she was in school - but actively discouraged my participation in any activities whatsoever. "we just aren't the sort of people who play basket ball - don't you think you're a little big for the uniforms? I really don't think you're going to get much taller..." All sorts of things. My great love of the outdoors was turned into a complete farce by her, she took me fishing once and didn't know the difference between a perch and a bass, when I pointed it out to her and the fish was too small and against regulations to keep we should throw it back she told me to shut the hell up then when we got home she showed me how to clean the fish and then let them rot in the freezer uncooked and eaten for two years. I printed out many recipies and tried to get her to cook the fish or at least help me and show me what to do, she just never seemed to get around to it - and she actually likes fish.

My mom has always been very skinny and petite, over the years she's showed me tons of pictures of her in bathing suits, hip huggers, with her belly showing, talked about the exotic vacations HER mom took her on always especially the pictures of her at whatever age I was right around my birthday, but starting when I was 5, just at the age where I started school she changed my diet, at this point she was a full time stay at home mom had been since I was born and I got very obese - very. Early in life we had a garden and my diet was all fruits and vegetables which I loved, good food. By the time I was 8 I weighed 134lbs and I'm only 5'2" tall.
My grandma said something to her about my weight, I haven't spoken to my grandmother on my father's side since and I don't know why - about 13 years. Even though they live less than 15 minutes away.

I can think of thousands of examples of this behavior. I wasn't allowed to eat fruit for years because I really wanted it once and actually begged for an apple from my mom - not at the store and causing a scene but in the house in the kitchen just the two of us, so she fed me poptarts and that's all for years saying, "look, the box says this is real fruit!" and refused to take me to the store, always telling me fruit was far too expensive to buy any(a lie I only found out 2 years ago, a box of poptarts is about $2 and for two dollars you can easily get half a dozen apples or peaches). I was only allowed to go to the dentist after she'd gone and her latest dental chrisis was over. She smokes and has horrible trouble with her teeth has had inplants and countless rootcanals and gum grafts I was drug along as a kid to sit in the waiting room but I only went to the dentist about 5 times the first 18 years of my life - 3 visits because I fell and broke teeth. So I needed braces and didn't get them, I needed routine cleanings and didn't get them, I needed my wisdom teeth out and didn't have that done and I'm in constant pain and my teeth are screwed and I'm barely out of high school.

Is it possible that I was just such a horrible child, such a horrible person that I deserve nothing? That's an honest question - do you think it's possible for someone for whatever reason to be so horrible from the time they learn to talk that they deserve utter neglect and ill treatment?

[Fr_Chuck]

Assuming your story is true, we get a lot of people with time on their hand that posts made up stories,

But if true, you mother was a nut case and you need couselig to build up yourself worth.

A real mother will always give their best to the child, even if they do without

[beebeecee]

I'm not creative enough to make this stuff up. Seriously. I'm out of work and moved back in with my parents and have been looking for a job without any luck, so I've got a lot of free time to just lay in my old room and it's brought back a lot of horrible memories.

[N0help4u]

No you were not a horrible child! Sounds like your mother was miserable with herself and taking it out on you. Your mother never grew up emotionally and viewed you as competition for some reason. Also sounds like she never grew up realizing life isn't about the biggest and the best.
Often we go through things to learn something maybe in a way we otherwise wouldn't have if we had normal. Like you most likely learned how to find bargains that were as nice as what she paid top dollar for. You most like realize things in life that she can never begin to comprehend,
Watch the movie Mommy Dearest and she is the one with the problem.
Also when you get a job save as much moneyy as possible and move out asap because I can tell you for sure the negative energy will drain you because your mother will try and treat you like before.

[spanglish30]

Yea,try and get out of their house ASAP!! This is not a healthy relationship.I'm sorry you go through this with your mom.I've heard of mom's competing with their daughters before.Out of control,jealousy or whatever.

No matter what you are worthwhile and Important person!

Please realize we cannot change people.And we cannot chose our family members.But you can change yourself.When we change it forces others round you to change as well.whether they like it or not.

I don't know what your mom went through as a child.Maybe she buys things "expensive" because she wants to makup for something missing.Like her self-esteem.?
But,this behaviour will probably take years to change if she ever does change?
But you have the chance to live your life (if you are an adult)eat what you want;buy what you want etc.
Go to the dentist and pay for it yourself.Or go buy a nice pair of shoes for .You deserve it!!

Spanglish30

[beebeecee]

I don't really care about expensive things anymore, I only care about having my own house where everything is clean and works, and having healthy happy pets really. I guess I didn't turn out so bad. My job situation is looking up, I might have a lead. Thanks.

[Gift4rmG0d]

Seems to me that you mother had some issues. My mother always do for her children before doing for herself.

[Ren6]

Your mom was definitely a creep. No decent mom does and says the things she did and said. With that said... comes a time in your life when you recognize you were dealt a bad hand (sounds like you're doing that now) and get busy fixing yourself. Those who suggested counseling were right on. Remind yourself that you are now an adult and YOU control what you have and do. Is there a friend on the scene you could live with other than your mom? Until you find a job, the library would at least be a start- you could find some books that might help you deal with some of your past.

I hope that lead comes through for you. You're a good person who had a bogus start in life. Take care...

[DSMom]

You are a wonderful person with a greta life ahead of you... YOU have to believe that as well.
You do need to go and talk to someone, get some counceling, it is important!
Your mom seems to be the one with the problems. I can tell you this, I am a mom myself and I canntot tell you the last time I went out and got anything more than groceries for myself because I put my kids first, period.
I am terribly sorry you had to deal with all of this. Your mom seems to be th ekind of person who has to be the biggest and best of everything, even putting her children on the back burner to make herself feel this way... how sad, really. Your mom needs help too!
I hope that this job lead comes through for you, that you can get your own place and the help you need.
Keep your head up!

[Ber Rabbit]

There are a couple books a man named David Pelzer wrote about his life that you should read.

"A Child Called 'It'" especially then read "The Lost Boy" and "A Man Named Dave". I haven't read his other books yet but I bet they are just as good as those three.

Here's the link where you can get them all.

Use your experience to make yourself a much better and more caring person than your mother could ever be. You can make a change for the better in someone's life if you watch for the opportunities.
Ber

[artlady]

You were not a horrible child!

Clearly,your mother has some issues that should have been addressed by a therapist.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent,some are awful at it.

If these past issues are still plaguing you,you would most likely benefit from speaking to a trained counselor. Childhood trauma can affect you for the remainder of your adult life if you don't put the past to rest.

[Jake2008]

I have experienced the same upbringing, and mulled about an answer for the past couple of days. Even now, after her being dead for 24 years, at time, the memories still come back, and little bits of insecurity come up.

I have raised two kids very successfully, and have a successful marriage, well educated, and stable. But despite working hard for all of the successes, there is a little file in my brain with 'mother damage' written on it.

I was told repeatedly that I had a 'black streak' in me, and regardless of what was happening at the time, I was responsible for it. Arguments between my parents, between my sisters, etc. I was a mini slave required to do the dirty work, while two other sisters were on pedestals. It was easy for them to point fingers at me, because the assumption was the one with the 'black streak' caused it.

I was labelled 'mentally retarded' by my father, and threats to send me away to a special school only made me try harder and do more- for them. I was denied food by intimidation, and told things like, "you do realize a cow had to die for you to have dinner don't you?", and many times at family dinners, my plate was 'forgotten'.

I won't go into all the horror stories, because that is not the point I wish to make here. The point is that I eventually learned from THEIR mistakes, and accomplishing goals on my own, for only my sake, allowed me the independence and confidence I needed to not only live a different life without that horrible cloud over my head, but to actually enjoy what I made of my life, for myself.

When these thoughts come back, and they do from time to time, I think about them a little bit, and then, quite literally, I imagine a filing cabinet in my head. I put the thought in the folder, and into the filing cabinet, and close the door.

Will it all get to you from time to time? YES. But, you must be careful not to allow the mistakes of others to determine your own destiny. The peace you seek, will not come from them, it will come only from yourself.

Decide that the past is the past, but, like rain clouds, will roll in from time to time, especially when you are unsure of yourself, or feeling a bit down. Recognize it for what it is, give the secretary hell for taking the file out, and file it away again.