Why does my ex not want to see me?

davis blomberg · Jan 15, 2009, 01:39 PM

My ex-girlfriend and I met at a coffee shop that I went to where she worked.After 8 months she broke up with me 6 weeks ago because I relapsed on alcohol (but I have quit). Prior to that, she says everything was awesome: I was her soul-mate, best friend, best lover-she even wanted to marry me, etc. So, I have been upset that she could dump me over something that I have fixed. Anyway, of course I wanted her back, and she wanted to be friends. After several of failed attempts at being friends, it was just too hard for me-being the dumpee. We had an argument, and I left. Stayed away from her work for a couple weeks-. I have started going back-I do have many friends that go there-and I did go there long before we met. I have little contact with her. She sent me an email asking me to respect her space and boundaries and not come in when she works. I was very hurt. I think her request his selfish. Why is it uncomfortable for her to see me? Is this something I should even respect-or is she just being self-centered?

kctiger · Jan 15, 2009, 01:41 PM

She is your ex... it isn't always customary to be friends with someone after you break up with them. My ex has no desire to see me, and I couldn't care less. Why are you stressing over this?

liz28 · Jan 15, 2009, 01:58 PM

Your ex sent you an email to respect her boundaries and you thought that was selfish of her why? It's over between your two so let go and stop going to her job and stop sending your friends there. She don't want you back for whatever reasons so let go and move on. Stop contacting her and respect her space.

It's good that you got your drinking under control but it's a good thing regardless or not if your ex is in your life. Leave your ex alone and continue improving your life and continue being sober.

NItEMArE129 · Jan 15, 2009, 06:01 PM

You both need space and time to heal. And she might need a little more of each. For now, respect her boundaries as long as they are reasonable. As for the coffee shop, try to go there when she's not on shift and, if you absolutely have to, keep your conversation strictly about coffee.

She needs space. It WAS an 8 month relationship and you two were really close. Let her heal and understand that she needs to. It's hard to let go of someone close to you, and it varies from person to person. Just let her go for now.

talaniman · Jan 17, 2009, 08:06 PM

You should understand her discomfort, since you feel the same way. Now what you do about it is your choice, but can it hurt to disappear from her life for a while? May do you both some good, but I understand, why should you change your routine, when she can change hers to right?

zeeniee · Jan 17, 2009, 08:21 PM

I think you both need time apart to heal- would it be bad thing if you just went to another coffee shop for a while?

That would make you a better person and in time she will heal better. She wants to be best friends with you- as she probably still likes you v much despite whatever happened between you both- the fact she does not want to see you whilst she is working- is probably because she is still upset with the whole situation.

NItEMArE129 · Jan 17, 2009, 09:28 PM

I notice that you changed the post, which is fine, but I just wanted everybody to know that first.

As to your dilemma, I stand by what I said. Why not let her know that you'll try to go there less, but if you meet your friends there, you're not going to ditch your friends to respect her boundaries. In other words, you'll respect her boundaries, yes, but not to the point where it's all about her. You have a life too and the right to enjoy that life. There's a difference between you respecting her boundaries and her being just plain selfish.

talaniman · Jan 17, 2009, 10:53 PM

His two threads were merged to save some confusion, sorry for the confusion.

Isis101 · Mar 13, 2011, 02:18 PM

Its her job. It is a perfectly reasonable request for her to ask you to respect that, and not make it a difficult situation for her. It is not selfish for her to request that. She has to be there, and you do not. Coffee shops are everywhere, and you can still "have a life" going to a different one... and if your friends are decent and understanding people with any empathy, they will also support you in going to another location when she's working at her job.