[gunner34]

All right so here goes... this is a bit long but I want you to have the details, also ask for more if you need them

My girlfriend and I started dating around September time frame, I had just gotten out of a long relationship in early June so I was dating around still and wasn't ready to commit to just anyone yet... we kind of stopped dating for a month due to mostly my inability to commit to her etc... fast forward to mid nov, she find out I went on a couple dates with someone else and she told me how she wants to continue pursuing things with me and how it hurt her so much knowing that I was going out with someone else etc... so I decided to give it a go, early December we decided to make it official, we are exclusive gf/bf

Everything has been going well, I still have a hard time reading her sometimes but when she opens up she is amazing and she has really started getting to me, I think about her all the time and get excited to see her, etc... a way that I have never really felt, either that or it has been so long that I forgot about it...

Rewind to before we started dating, she had been going to physical therapy for awhile and built up a friendly relationship with the doctor (who is around our age), according to what she has told me this guy really has the hots for her, and constantly complains to her about his girlfriend who he doesn't seem to care for, he has even gone as far as asking her to do stuff on the side with him, so yes he is ready to cheat on his girlfriend with my who is now my girlfriend... and to top it off she has told me that she thinks he is hot as well (I asked her awhile ago while we were just casually dating if he was)

Since then she has finished physical therapy for that reason but is now going back for another reason... she went in out of the blue one day last week to see him and the other guy that works there and ended up going to lunch with said guy, lets call him joe... she openly told me this that evening and also mentioned that joe invited her to a house party that weekend, this made me uncomfortable but I didn't want to mention it just yet as it was early in the week... turns out joe never got back to her about the party and she didn't go so I was relieved I hadn't mentioned how I felt and didn't make an issue out of it...

So yesterday she got the script to go to physical therapy from her chiro, she told me how she asked the receptionist if she could go to the same place she went before, the receptionist asked her "sounds like you have a crush on this doctor?" and she laughed and said it doesn't matter he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend (yes she openly told me this, I didn't ask for any detail) leaves me feeling like, what the hell? That makes me think you'd want to be with him if he didn't have a girlfriend and I'm just a hurdle in the process... so then today she tells me how excited joe is for her to start coming back to his office because she would be eye candy for him... what? Really? Who relays this stuff to their SO?

Then tonight she gets off work and is txting me and mentions that joe had just called her "just to say hi", mind you this is at 930pm... I'm seriously feeling sick to my stomach thinking I'm going to lose her to him or even worse, something will be done behind my back...

A little history on her, she broke off an engagement over a year ago with a guy that she very early on (first week of being official) cheated on, they got engaged within 3-4 months of dating anyway and were for awhile until she broke it off with him because she said she wasn't herself anymore, which is a fine reason to me to end it... he convinced her to try things again but then I guess she left him again because he was being insecure and jealous... this leads me to my situation, I am afraid that I am reading too much into this, should I trust that she is going to keep boundaries with this guy? Do I mention how I feel about the situation? And if so how? I am seriously falling in love or already am with this girl... I recently told her how strongly I felt for her short of telling her that I love her and she told me she is still afraid to fall in love due to her engagement...

Advice please... I'm really nervous, I've never felt insecure in a relationship and I don't want to be that guy, I'm almost to the point of breaking things off now because I've got this gut feeling I'm going to get hurt by her...

[Yosomoton213]

I would call it quits.

She's not putting the same effort into the relationship that you are. She's emotionally cheating on you, and... maybe even by going out to dinner with him... depending on your definition.

She seems to be more interested in this doctor than you. You have two options. Quietly endure this crap to see if this is what she wants... and suffer hits to your pride, or graciously walk away and never look back.

Her "being afraid of love" excuse is just that... an excuse. See it for what it is: A glaring red flag.

I'm sorry if this is a shock for you. And you're going to do what you're going to do. But the writing is there on the wall... you even pointed it out yourself. You know it is. It is up to you whether you choose to see it for what it is, or keep living and pretending that nothing is wrong.

[MarkwithaK]

Based on the info you provided, this chick has issues. I would run far and fast champ.

[expat2009]

Based on the info you gave--this isn't headed in the right direction. If there were one or two instances in which he comes into the picture then "ok, fine, he just has a crush but I trust her". But you mention him way too many times because she does. Walking away just like that might be too extreme. The fact that she tells you about his texts and comments could be a) she wants to make you jealous or b) she doesn't realise what's going on. I's talk to her about it--not to show jealousy but c'mon that's a bit too much for my taste. If she's into him, I'd run from this. Who wants a chick that likes another dude... needless suffering for a relationship that is so new.

Best of luck!

[gunner34]

thanks for the responses so far, good advice...

I also wanted to add one more point... she told me straight up that she would feel uncomfortable if me and the girl I started dating continued talking at all, we had only gone on two dates and lightly kissed once (I told her this being that she asked and I am an honest person), I don't have any desire to be with that girl, I would value a friendship with her but I respect my girlfriends feelings and have stopped talking to her... just this weekend it came up though, she asked me if I had talked to her at all recently, I said I hadn't, the last time I heard from her was on xmas when she sent out a merry xmas mass text message and I politely responded "you too", she thought it was weird that she still had my number in her phone and that she still feels uncomfortable about it

blah I really hate this feeling, I'm a confident and successful individual but this is taking its toll on me... I'm going to sleep on it and wait for more advice but what I have come up with whilst talking to myself so far is that I plan to keep this to myself unless she continues bringing up this guy, because I really don't care what I've read about being the jealous boyfriend and how awful it is etc etc... I don't think it is right for her to be advertising this guys interest in her to me and feeding him with more fuel to continue... he knows she is involved, that brings up another point, he text her on new years eve looking to get her to go out and party with him, hinting that he wanted to hook up... she told him she was with her boyfriend which he was surprised/disappointed to hear... again another time she mentioned him to me... why would you do this other than to TRY and make someone feel jealous/insecure? She admitted to me before that she has a habit of subconsciously sabotaging a possibly good relationship, which is why we stopped casually dating for about a month... she literally came back crying, I talked to her for hours with her crying and confessing to me how much she wanted to be with me... I am just going to be so pissed off at myself and her if I wasted my time and ruined some other possible relationships with a couple girls I burned bridges with (yes, I gave them up the instant we became exclusive, I didn't leave them on the side for a failsafe... )

this is insane to me haha, I'm not the one to start or lead these discussions in a relationship but I really want to sit down with her and get to the bottom of her excuse of being afraid to fall in love... bah this goes to show how much I care, I'm up losing sleep over this and writing these long posts... I appreciate the time you guys take to read through and give advice!

[Yosomoton213]

... so i decided to give it a go, early december we decided to make it official, we are exclusive gf/bf

I'm confused now. Are you guys exclusive or not? You dated another girl?

I can see this downward-spiraling into game-playing on both sides. She is still seeing/talking to this doctor: You cannot make her change that. She knows that it's "borderline" behavior, and if she were worried at all about losing you, she wouldn't do it. The fact is... she's not worried about losing you. She either doesn't value the relationship as much as you think she does, or that she thinks that you won't leave her after putting you through some bull****(she doesn't respect you).

Subconsciously sabotaging relationships? Haha... now she's trying to scare you away my friend. She doesn't care. She's testing your tolerance, how much you like her, or how much *more* you like her than she likes you.

And just because a girl comes back crying doesn't mean that she loves you. It means that you backed away from the relationship and all she had to do was shed a couple of tears to get you back.

My friend, it sounds like games are being played on both sides in my opinion. I would stay well away from this one. Have the self-assurance and confidence, and most of all, self-respect to know you deserve better than this.

On top of all this, this relationship is new. A few months is not a long time, especially if some of those months you "stopped casually dating" because she subconciously sabatoged relationships. Do you see what she did there? She put the blame on her "subconscious", and not on herself. She's a blame-shifter... no good. Nothing is her fault. You've only been with this one for a few months. Do you think you want to marry this one?

C'mon man, you're confident and successful. You know you deserve better.

BTW, you would be surprised how many "burned bridges" can be reconstructed.

[gunner34]

We are exclusive... I went on a couple dates with a girl during that month time frame where we weren't seeing each other, but before that time we weren't exclusive, we just became exclusive early December and since then I haven't been seeing any other girls, but yes I kind of see your point and agree that it seems she is testing to see what she can get away with and toying with my emotions... hmmm, I probably should have went with my gut instinct before and not got into this... argh

Thanks for the input, anymore from others would be appreciated!

[talaniman]

Maybe her actions and words make you insecure and only she knows what they really mean.

To many games for me, and doesn't sound like any fun at all.

[SimpleguyJoe]

If you care about her enough to give her a chance then throw in a game of your own. Tell her to pick you or her P.T. a good ole ultimatum with no BS. If she says you and keeps going to see this guy then walk out of this situation. You guys are still early enough in this for you to walk out for whatever reason you want. But why go through possibly months or a year of this before you break things off and make it that much harder on yourself. This girl seems like she does not really have things figured out.

So just remember if she is making you uncomfortable in YOUR relationship, your destroying the entire point of the relationship in the first place, to enhance your life with her presence. If that's not happening then just be done with it.

[talaniman]

So just remember if she is making you uncomfortable in YOUR relationship, your destroying the entire point of the relationship in the first place, to enhance your life with her presence. If that's not happening then just be done with it.

YEP, now that's a great point. Ultimatums though?? I would tell her to go be with him then if she kept bring him up, or any one else for that matter. Then I go fishing for 3 days and let the dust settle and see what happens. If you let people treat you bad, they will.

[Romefalls19]

Tal, that post reminds me of that song by Brad Paisley "I'm gonna miss her" the girl gives him a choice, her or fishing.

Tell her it's you or the PT, personally I don't share in a relationship. You allow this to progress you will be back on the forum asking how to recover after being cheated on.

[nike 1]

Sounds like she has a very low self esteem and needs to make you feel jealous for her to feel like she's on top. Think about it, she is texting you and telling you about him calling her and hitting on her. How pathetic! Whether she will cheat on you or not does not matter right now in how you deal with her. Next time she tells you or brags about him calling or showing any interest in her, simply say, " I think you should give the guy a shot, sounds like he really likes you." Be cool and never show jealousy. Smile slightly like you are talking to a friend when you say it. Then act like a friend. See what happens.

[gunner34]

Sounds like she has a very low self esteem and needs to make you feel jealous for her to feel like she's on top. Think about it, she is texting you and telling you about him calling her and hitting on her. How pathetic! Whether she will cheat on you or not does not matter right now in how you deal with her. Next time she tells you or brags about him calling or showing any interest in her, simply say, " I think you should give the guy a shot, sounds like he really likes you." Be cool and never show jealousy. Smile slightly like you are talking to a friend when you say it. Then act like a friend. See what happens.

I think this may be the case... she constantly tries to sell her self or gives herself compliments... such as "it sucks being talented" "yea im pretty good at this arent i" blah blah, kind of weird!

I like the approach of telling her to give him a shot... although I expect the response "what??? he has a gilrfriend"... which would set me off I think, I can totally envision her saying this... at that point do you think a good response would be something a long the lines of "so that is all that's stopping you?" that's kind of passive aggressive but I don't know what else to come up with to get my point across. If she doesn't mention anything about ME being a reason she wouldn't pursue anything with him then I'm out the door, no turning back

I'm already half way out the door, after her appointment today which was 2.5 hours long I asked what the doc said, she just said "my shoulders are effed" so now she is going to continue going for a few weeks at least, I asked if it was fixable she said "joe will fix me up"

Usually we are very talkative over text with instant to near instant response in between conversations, today that is not the case... I'm pretty sure she's got him on the mind and I'm on the back burner

[gunner34]

Evidently I can't edit my post, wanted to add another tidbit...

It sucks this is happening, I hope she knows what she is doing because all day I've been throwing reasons around in my head why I think stuff won't work with her, some reasons I initially held off on becoming exclusive with her that have since subsided... I've seriously gotten to the point where I like her nearly unconditionally and frankly that has never been the case with any other girl, go figure it's one that doesn't seem into me anymore

Maybe its karma, I've always been the one to lose interest before, I suppose I need a dose of it myself to learn about what it feels like and how to manage a successful relationship!

[nike 1]

Let her response be" but he has a girlfriend". Then say to her " well hey, you don't seem too offended by how he acts when you brag about it." She gives you any more static, just tell her to that you won't stand in the way. Then if she does, you have your answer of what kind of chick she is. Remember bro, she is the one with the immature little issues, not you. Take some value in yourself.

[MarkwithaK]

Bloody hell man! This chick throws this guy's interest up in your face and yet doesn't want you talking to a friend that happens to be a female? You need to put a whole lot of gone between yourself and a broad like that.

[liz28]

Listen, she has the hot for him and he has it for her. This isn't a good mix and instead of her respecting what your have she going right down the road to tempation. Why their texting each other is beyond me but they are both downing in each other attention. I was always taught that if you play with fire your going get burnt.

If you continue to stay with her your only going get more jealous than next your having the "lets be friend talk or the it just happen speech".

[gunner34]

OK so I'm back and with some better information...

turns out I had some people mixed up (memory has been failing me as of late it seems) so I let her know that joe makes me feel uncomfortable and she didn't understand why and I explained (same stuff I posted here) and she told me I had joe mixed up with gary... apparently gary is the guy that has been trying to make moves on her, not her doctor joe... and also she isn't remotely attracted to this gary guy, (yes she does find joe attractive however, according to her he's completely professional though, he's not the one texting her etc) then she got on the "seems like there is no trust" band wagon, I explained to her that wasn't the case, but if what I thought was the truth with joe then I think I have a valid reason to be uncomfortable... so anyway I let that go and its not bothering me anymore... but NOW more drama...

one thing I did have right about the situation was that she was being distant, I talked to her about this on Friday and she told me... wait for it... "things are going to well, im just not feeling it lately, there is no chaos"... I was completely at a loss for words, how the hell is it a problem that things are going to well and there is no chaos? I mean seriously... what the heck... she again tells me she is afraid to fall in love and things are moving too fast for her, etc... well we ended up going out with her friends to some clubs that same night... I probably shouldn't have rewarded her with my company now that I look back on it but I was really in need of her company (unhealthy I think)

on the way back home in the car it was pretty much dead silence between us, I was tired and really didn't have much to say and she was texting her friend the whole time, I kind of invaded her privacy a little but I looked over a few times at what they were talking about without her knowing, I caught her telling her friend "we are just so different" (referring to me and her) her friend actually responded saying being different is sometimes a good thing... which mind you, I have told her how different I think we are, back when she was trying to get me to come back to her and her defense then was also she things being different is a good thing "opposites attract"... I since haven't been bother by being different, I actually like it a bit, we really compliment each other in some ways and learn from each other... I didn't talk to her about this though as I felt bad eves dropping, though she has gone through text messages on my phone before anyway

so end of the night we get back to my house and she gets her stuff and heads home since we were both dead tired and had to be up in the morning, she still kissed me goodnight and gave me a hug

so Saturday she is was at a class in the morning, she text me around noon or 1, nothing significant, just a little chit chat and that was it for the rest of the day, she had a surprise birthday party to go to that night with her mom, I wasn't invited but not concerned about it, I went out with my friend to get this off my mind and to get his advice, all night I avoided contacting her and gave her space, she didn't contact me at all... ended up staying at my friends place and she text me around 12:30 today (so that is about 24 hours of no contact which is not at all normal for us) asking what's up, I simply replied "gonna watch the game" her response was "oh sorry ill leave you alone than", I didn't respond and there has been no other contact today

so the advice I've gotten from friends, random people, and my sister all point to leaving her, I've lost a good deal of feelings for her over the past 2 days and have been building walls in my head that and making reasons that this isn't going to work, basically I'm pushing her away emotionally and setting myself up for disapointment... anyone have any different advice? My plan is to just give her space, more or less letting her see what she has done, I don't feel like breaking it off right away, I kind of want something more out of her, a little more explanation etc and I want to see her reaction to me being distant to her, this really isn't easy for me, I think I've kind of made it sound like its easy, I miss her like crazy and am really hurting... blah, I really think I know the answer but its not the answer I want to hear and believe... I just want some more advice from others

thanks!

[talaniman]

I thought you did rather well being straight up, and direct, and getting facts straight. That's a great thing.

What bothers me is your thinking of going from honest, to games, and that's trouble.

I think staying straight with her is the way to go, as when feelings change, why hide it? Isn't that the way you would rather be treated?

Whether the relationship grows or ends, its still better to leave the games alone, and deal with the facts, and cope with the feelings.

I do have a problem with texting a friend in your presence, when on a date. That was tacky.