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tglover08 · Jan 13, 2009, 10:00 AM

Ok here we go. My fiance' has been separated from his wife for two years now and divorce time is finally here.(thanks to her). Anyway they share two kids together one that is his and a 13 years old that is not well when she was 7 her signed her birth cert to change her last name to his and now they don't even have a relationship. But ole girl still feels that he should pay for her.. but he wants his name off.. he feels that she should chase her real father for child support since she wants him not to care for her but pay for her... are we stuck? Or is there a way out of this:confused:

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by tglover08

Ok here we go. My fiance' has been separated from his wife for two years now and divorce time is finally here.(thanks to her). anywho they share two kids together one that is his and a 13 years old that is not well when she was 7 her signed her birth cert to change her last name to his and now they dont even have a relationship. but ole girl still feels that he should pay for her.. but he wants his name off.. he feels that she should chase her real father for child support since she wants him not to care for her but pay for her... are we stuck? or is there a way out of this:confused:

This is not on the legal board so I'm free to say that I feel sorry for any child whose father's fiancé refers to the situation as being "stuck" with her. This is not the child's fault. This is your fiance's fault - his and the mother of this child.

In some States too much time has gone by; in other States you can request DNA, prove paternity and pursue the blood father.

So he's separated from her, engaged to you (although not divorced) and you think "divorce time" is her fault?

I have little sympathy for anyone but the child.

The legal advice is to retain an Attorney to straighten out the mess that the adults have created.

tglover08 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

This is not on the legal board so I'm free to say that I feel sorry for any child whose father's fiance refers to the situation as being "stuck" with her. This is not the child's fault. This is your fiance's fault - his and the mother of this child.

In some States too much time has gone by; in other States you can request DNA, prove paternity and pursue the blood father.

So he's separated from her, engaged to you (although not divorced) and you think "divorce time" is her fault?

I have little sympathy for anyone but the child.

The legal advice is to retain an Attorney to straighten out the mess that the adults have created.

Lol before you criticize please ask questions.. her mother is the reason why this divorce has taken so long!! And as far as the daughter she has NO relationship with my fiancé since she feels that her parents shuld be together. I feel its wrong for a mother to keep a child away from a man bu tmake him pay child support... MAKES NO Sense AT ALL... put yourself in my shoes what would you do? I didn't ask for sympathy at all... just want to know what's best... (did I mention the daughter wants her eal daddy as she told us)

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:15 AM

I think that ultimately, you, your boyfriend and the child's mother should try to come to some kind of agreement that is in the best interest of the child. As you I'm sure are well aware, it is not the child's fault... but I do believe that if your boyfriend signed the paper to give her his name, then he needs to meet the obligation. He would be doing it for the child, not the child's mother... maybe this is something that he should have given more thought to before he signed the paper to give her his name. The object is to protect the child... its not like giving a dog away... this is a child that didn't ask to be born... this child deserves not to have doors shut in her face... if your boyfriend has been a "father" to her up till now, then I believe he should continue doing that... and I believe you should support him in doing that. Like I said, he made the decidsion to sign the paper and now he needs to hold up his obligation. Although I do understand your frustration... divorces are nasty and very hurtful to all that are involved... I wish you the best of luck...

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by tglover08

lol before you critisize please ask questions.. her mother is the reason why this divorce has taken so long!!! and as far as the daughter she has NO relationship with my fiance since she feels that her parents shuld be together. I feel its wrong for a mother to keep a child away from a man bu tmake him pay child support.... MAKES NO Sense AT ALL... put yourself in my shoes what would u do? I didnt ask for sympathy at all... just want to know whats best... (did i mention the daughter wants her eal daddy as she told us)

I wouldn't get involved with a married man, never have, so I can't answer your question. Divorced, yes. Separated, no. Married, no. What I would do in your shoes is irrelevant. The disrespectful "ole girl" language referring to his wife is one of the reasons I never wanted to be in your position - from either side of things.

Again - you are dealing with a child and shouldn't be surprised that she talks and acts like a child. Of course she wants her parents back together. Kids say all sorts of hurtful things, particularly to get back at a parent she thinks has abandoned her. I would guess that she sees and feels the resentment that's at play here. I'm a stepmother and kids sense when they aren't welcome or wanted.

Legally child support and visitation are different issues - if your fiancé wants to see the child, then he should file for visitation and/or custody. If he doesn't, then he should file - as I suggested - for a change in support. I just don't know that it's possible after this much time.

tglover08 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by Str8stack71

i think that ultimately, you, your boyfriend and the childs mother should try to come to some kind of agreement that is in the best interest of the child. as you im sure are well aware, it is not the childs fault... but i do believe that if your boyfriend signed the paper to give her his name, then he needs to meet the obligation. he would be doing it for the child, not the childs mother... maybe this is something that he should have given more thought to before he signed the paper to give her his name. the object is to protect the child...its not like giving a dog away... this is a child that didnt ask to be born... this child deserves not to have doors shut in her face... if your boyfriend has been a "father" to her up till now, then i believe he should continue doing that... and i believe you should support him in doing that. like i said, he made the decidsion to sign the paper and now he needs to hold up his obligation. although i do understand your frustration.... divorces are nasty and very hurtful to all that are involved... i wish you the best of luck...

Nad you are right and I am behind him... I guess my whole thing is caring for a child we can't even discipline drives us crazy... but I am behind him 100%

this8384 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:45 AM

I suppose it all comes down to whether a)the biological father terminated his rights and b)your fiancé adopted the girl.

I have to agree with Judy about "being stuck" with a child. I refer to my step-children as my children, because that's what they are. This girl is 13 years old and in an awkward situation; this girl has already been passed from one father to another, and now it's happening again. You may as well tattoo "You're not wanted here" on your forehead, just so she can't miss it. He's been a father to this girl for 6 years and quite frankly, I think it's crummy of him to tell her mother to chase after the "real" dad for support.

I'm still struggling with the "separated for 2 years, divorce is finally here thanks to her." You initially imply that she wants the divorce, then imply that she's the reason the divorce hasn't happened. Either way, it's irrelevant. Had your fiancé wanted a divorce, he could have gone and filed 2 years ago.

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:46 AM

I'm glad that the two of you are working together... I think that is a big plus in the situation. Unfortunately, the courts supposedly make their decisions based on what's in the best interest of the child... this is a good thing unless you have a mother that tells the story in a different light... they might not be lying but I see a lot of mothers that go into court basically for revenge... although they will present it to the court as though they are doing it for their child's best interest... trust me... been there and done that with my step children... and still going through it... does it ever end?

this8384 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by Str8stack71

im glad that the two of you are working together... i think that is a big plus in the situation. unfortunately, the courts supposedly make their decisions based on whats in the best interest of the child.... this is a good thing unless you have a mother that tells the story in a different light... they might not be lying but i see alot of mothers that go into court basically for revenge... although they will present it to the court as though they are doing it for their childs best interest..... trust me... been there and done that with my step children.... and still going thru it .... does it ever end?

How did you find out about my life? Lol

And no, I'm not sure it ends. The "ex" in my life enjoys telling the kids things like I'm crazy, their father doesn't know how to treat children, they can call her new boyfriend "Daddy", they can't bring their snowpants to our house because they might lose them, etc.

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 11:54 AM

I am the mother of 2, my "better half" is the father of 3... so I see and deal with the battles on all sides of the coin... but watching his ex wife and seeing the things she says and does, is teaching me how NOT to handle situations... I am very level headed and do what I think is best for kids... even if "whats best" doesn't always benefit me... I do it for them... I swallow my tongue and bite my lip on many things...

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2009, 12:18 PM

What a sad way to put it, "stuck" with a child.
He signed on the dotted line for that child, lived with and fathered that child for 6 years.
He can petition the courts to make sure he gets visitation.
I think I would be leery of a man so willing to abandon a child he once considered his.

ScottGem · Jan 13, 2009, 12:36 PM

I think others have covered the issue of the best interest of the child. The child's attitude may be the result of the mother's influence or it may be a reaction to the step father's being "stuck" attitude. I don't know.

From a legal standpoint the first thing to do is determine who the legal father is. One generally just can't sign a 7 year old's birthg certificate to give her his name. There are usually legal proceedings involved here. Its entirely possible the bio father had his rights terminated and your fiancée took on the role of legal father. Its also possible that can't be challenged any longer.

So before anyone takes any further steps, the legal father has to be determined.

tglover08 · Jan 13, 2009, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by this8384

I suppose it all comes down to whether or not a)the biological father terminated his rights and b)your fiance adopted the girl.

I have to agree with Judy about "being stuck" with a child. I refer to my step-children as my children, because that's what they are. This girl is 13 years old and in an awkward situation; this girl has already been passed from one father to another, and now it's happening again. You may as well tattoo "You're not wanted here" on your forehead, just so she can't miss it. He's been a father to this girl for 6 years and quite frankly, I think it's crummy of him to tell her mother to chase after the "real" dad for support.

I'm still struggling with the "separated for 2 years, divorce is finally here thanks to her." You initially imply that she wants the divorce, then imply that she's the reason the divorce hasn't happened. Either way, it's irrelevant. Had your fiance wanted a divorce, he could have gone and filed 2 years ago.

Nope niegther he was told by the mother that the father did.. only to find out a few months ago that the guy didn't even know.. and no adoption took place on his behalf they just changed her last name... believe me he wants it as much as she did but she asked us time and time to just Bare with her.. I knew I should have left this to myself because everyone is thinking about this little girl and not the real reason... would you keep a child at your house who doesn't behave because she knows dad cannot discipline... I am all for the kids hell I love his 6 year old and treat him as my own... but this little child just works our home.. but anyway I feel a certain way about things and I needed a legal opinion not personal...

tglover08 · Jan 13, 2009, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by tglover08

Ok here we go. My fiance' has been separated from his wife for two years now and divorce time is finally here.(thanks to her). anywho they share two kids together one that is his and a 13 years old that is not well when she was 7 her signed her birth cert to change her last name to his and now they dont even have a relationship. but ole girl still feels that he should pay for her.. but he wants his name off.. he feels that she should chase her real father for child support since she wants him not to care for her but pay for her... are we stuck? or is there a way out of this:confused:

Ugh please you don't get me wrong with the STUCK part... I'm only speaking financially Geesh!!

Homegirl 50 · Jan 13, 2009, 12:53 PM

Legal is good, but you also need to understand that this-girls life is being tuned upside down and to have such a cavalier attitude towards her is IMO sickening. These are adults who have screwed with her life. How do you suppose it makes her feel she has no dad who wants her.
It irritates me when adults mess up a child's life and when they act out, they want to blame the child.

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by tglover08

nope niegther he was told by the mother that the father did.. only to find out a few months ago that the guy didnt even know.. and no adoption took place on his behalf they just changed her last name...... belive me he wants it as much as she did but she asked us time and time to just Bare with her.. i knew i should have left this to myself because everyone is thinking about this lil girl and not the real reason.... would you keep a child at your house who doesnt behave because she knows dad cannot discipline... I am all for the kids hell i love his 6 year old and treat him as my own.... but this lil child just works our home.. but anyways i feel a certain way about things and i needed a legal opinion not personal...

You don't want personal advice so I won't give it. I don't think you'd listen, anway.

You've already received legal advice. You have to go to Court to get this resolved. Your fiancé can ask for DNA testing BUT even if he is determined NOT to be the father a lot of time has gone by and there is no guarantee he won't have to pay child support for this child.

As far as the "we" part of your posts - you have no legal standing here. This is him, her and the child.

You need an Attorney. That's my legal opinion.

ScottGem · Jan 13, 2009, 12:58 PM

I suspect, that the mother just had him sign something that had no legal standing. Then just started having the child use his name. This could mean that he is not the legal father and has absolutely no rights or obligations towards this child.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 13, 2009, 01:00 PM

You said he signed the birth certificate, that is not "just changing the last name" if you change a name, youi merely get a name change, it does not make one a father or liable.

So it appears they did a fraud by claiming to be the father on the birth certificate. But in some states just being the father ( step father) for 6 years can make you liable for child support.

I would not want to marry any man who after raising a child for 6 years would not feel like and want to stay in that child's life.

stevetcg · Jan 13, 2009, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by tglover08

Ugh please yall dont get me wrong with the STUCK part... im only speaking financially Geesh!!!

If you are approaching this from a financial standpoint they you are not thinking about what really matters... his daughter.

Did he act like a father to her? Does she call him Dad? If he is her legal father... and it is questionable that he is, he can discipline her.

Please, stop thinking of a child as a problem. Because ultimately this is your boyfriends fault. HE is the problem. And good luck, because HE is unlikely to change.

this8384 · Jan 13, 2009, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by tglover08

nope niegther he was told by the mother that the father did.. only to find out a few months ago that the guy didnt even know.. and no adoption took place on his behalf they just changed her last name...... belive me he wants it as much as she did but she asked us time and time to just Bare with her.. i knew i should have left this to myself because everyone is thinking about this lil girl and not the real reason.... would you keep a child at your house who doesnt behave because she knows dad cannot discipline... I am all for the kids hell i love his 6 year old and treat him as my own.... but this lil child just works our home.. but anyways i feel a certain way about things and i needed a legal opinion not personal...

You were given a legal opinion. Multiple times. And as more information continues to come out, it doesn't appear that your "fiance" has any legal obligation to this child whatsoever. You need to find out the facts before being able to proceed.