Check out some similar questions!

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 06:15 AM

I met my wife three years ago, and she already had a three year old daughter. I never knew anything about the father of my daughter, and I didn't ask my wife, though I knew she wasn't telling me everything. Well, recently within the past month the father has found out that his five year old daughter exists and wants a paternity test so he can have rights to her. I feel that with him around, it will tear the family apart, I've really been through mood swings lately and my wife just doesn't want to hear it. I'm sure any other Husband would be just as worried about something like this. My wife and kids mean the world to me, I just don't know what to do. Is there anything I can do to stop this? My daughter and him have never met before. I thought maybe adopting her would make it possible so that any rights that he has to her would be forfit, but my wife tells me no. I'm getting pritty desperate. Please any advise you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Desperate dad.

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 06:27 AM

Originally Posted by chrisblahblah

I met my wife three years ago, and she already had a three year old daughter. I never knew anything about the father of my daughter, and I didn't ask my wife, though I knew she wasn't telling me everything. Well, recently within the past month the father has found out that his five year old daughter exists and wants a paternity test so he can have rights to her. I feel that with him around, it will tear the family apart, I've really been through mood swings lately and my wife just doesn't want to hear it. I'm sure any other Husband would be just as worried about something like this. My wife and kids mean the world to me, I just dont know what to do. Is there anything I can do to stop this? My daughter and him have never met before. I thought maybe adopting her would make it possible so that any rights that he has to her would be forfit, but my wife tells me no. I'm getting pritty desperate. Please any advise you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Desperate dad.

You can adopt the child ONLY if the father consents to the adoption. You cannot strip the father of his rights to his daughter.

The Court will review the sitatuation and write the Order in the best interest of the child after interviewing everyone and possibly having everyone evaluated by either a law guardian or a social worker. Unless the father is a danger to the child he will not be blocked from visiting - and, for that matter, supporting, the child.

I don't understand the "you knew your wife was lying to you" part - you knew it wasn't your child. What did you think the status of the father was?

Of course, if this person is NOT the biological father then you don't have to worry about it.

But - in a nutshell - you cannot strip the father of his rights for any reason short of a lifetime prison sentence.

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 06:33 AM

I meant she knew more than she was telling me. She had said the father was out
Of their lives forever.

It really doesn't matter for the question I guess, I was just trying to explain the whole situation the best I could.

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by chrisblahblah

I meant she knew more than she was telling me. She had said the father was out
of their lives forever.

It really doesn't matter for the question I guess, I was just trying to explain the whole situation the best I could.

Sure, no problem - and I'm sure you've learned that the natural parent may very well NEVER be out of the picture. Maybe she didn't lie. Maybe she honestly thought he was never going to reappear.

My only other thought (without knowing the situation) is that when she responds (you have no legal standing there) to the Court papers she asks for support. Very often the thought of paying support for the next X years is enough to make the natural father give a second thought to signing adoption papers.

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 06:48 AM

Just one more question please, I'm very grateful that you have answered my questions.

What do you think would be the best way to go about getting him to sign his rights over
So I can adopt her. I hear you about the child support, I'm sure my wife will file for that after the paternity test turns up positive.

vwdieseljunkie · Jan 13, 2009, 06:54 AM

This is a multi-edged sword here, that could backfire no matter what decision is made, somehow or another, someday or another.

1. Do what you and your wife BOTH feel is right, in your heart AND in your head. TALK about this. This is a serious matter.

2. Bio-dad is just that, bio-dad. There's a big difference between "father" and "daddy", any functioning male can be a father, but it takes a MAN to be a daddy.

3. If bio-dad was or was not aware, some states have a rule of x-many years since birth with ZERO contact with the child = loss of parental right. This may or may not apply in your state. It is your responsibility (your meaning YOU and YOUR WIFE) to research this. Find out what your legal options are to protect the unity of your family. Find out what HIS legal options are against you. Arm yourself with all the information you can so you can make the best possible decision for your family.

I have been in this EXACT scenario. I have lived through this ordeal. I will NOT go into details of my case or it may cause you to sway your decisions on yours. But I will keep it as meaningful as possible, but on a generic as possible level. I have watched my younger sister go through a similar case as well. It is heart wrenching, I know. I come from a long line of foster kids, have even been a foster parent, watched my mom loose kids as a foster parent back to the bio-parents who were bad-guys. YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD about this. Every decision will affect your baby for the rest of her life, GOOD and BAD. Don't rush and try to quell the "here and now" and hope the long road takes care of it's self.

As for bio-dad, what do you know about him? Good-guy, bad-guy? FIND OUT. Remember he has parents, that makes them grand parents, his family is blood family to your daughter. THEY COULD HAVE RIGHTS depending on your state, and could sue for those rights. Find out. If this guy isn't a bad guy, you could sit down with him, YOU AND YOUR WIFE, and talk about things. Do it with a third party as moderator if necessary, preferably a professional family counselor.

Do your research. Don't kid yourself. You knew this day could come. But YOU ARE THE DADDY, so be the daddy. Defend what is unanimously best for your daughter first, and your family second. Step up and be the one to always have your best foot forward, showing you are trying for a mutually beneficial outcome for your daughter. Even if this means having him as a part of her life. The actions you and your wife take on this matter have massive repercussions (good and bad) in the event you end up in court. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 07:13 AM

In my opinion... this all depends on a few different things... is the biological fathers name on the child's birth cert already? And ultimately, what does the mother want to do? I understand your concern and love for this child, but I do believe that mom should have a firm hand in this decision... I think people in this world dealing with these kinds of situations sometimes act out of revenge or selfishness rather than actually making the best decision for the child. I have seen this happen on both parent sides... the parents will make a decision regarding an issue and present it as though its best for the child, however, I have seen where there are hidden reasons behind that are not immediately noticed... then again, this could be a totally different situation... but either way, please keep in mind that she does have a biological father. It sounds to me as though you don't want the biological father to cause waves in your world... which I understand, but unfortunately, I believe that every father deserves a chance to be a dad, unless he proves to be unsafe for the child to be around. The father may not be the kind of father that you are being or that you think he should be... maybe you feel that he is a threat to you and your new family... you need to try to separate those feelings, as difficult as it is to do...

vwdieseljunkie · Jan 13, 2009, 07:14 AM

As a side note, having been through this myself, I must admit that my advice, no matter how subjective I attempt to be, is biased. I will say though that it is your responsibility to be proactive, and supportive. JudyKayTee is right on all the points she has made.

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 07:22 AM

No, the father's name is not on the child's birth certificate. My wife is talking to him online and on the phone, trying to delay getting the dna test done as long as possible. She doesn't like this either. So far its worked, but its only a matter of time.

Originally Posted by Str8stack71

in my opinion... this all depends on a few different thnigs...is the biological fathers name on the childs birth cert already? And ultimately, what does the mother want to do? I understand your concern and love for this child, but i do believe that mom should have a firm hand in this decision.... i think people in this world dealing with these kinds of situations sometimes act out of revenge or selfishness rather than actually making the best decision for the child. I have seen this happen on both parent sides.... the parents will make a decision regarding an issue and present it as though its best for the child, however, i have seen where there are hidden reasons behind that are not immediately noticed.... then again, this could be a totally different situation..... but either way, please keep in mind that she does have a biological father. it sounds to me as though you dont want the biological father to cause waves in your world... which i understand, but unfortunately, i believe that every father deserves a chance to be a dad, unless he proves to be unsafe for the child to be around. the father may not be the kind of father that you are being or that you think he should be..... maybe you feel that he is a threat to you and your new family.... you need to try to separate those feelings, as difficult as it is to do......

stevetcg · Jan 13, 2009, 07:31 AM

The good news is that if he pursues this, he could be liable for back support, depending on your region. This will go a long way towards getting him to allow for you to adopt. Seeing that 5 figure number pop up "due immediately" really opens some absent parent's minds to the future and what is "best for the child".

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 07:32 AM

That's such a difficult situation... although, in today's world, it seems to be getting more and more common... I have learned in life that family is not always blood, family is those around you that love you.

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 07:35 AM

I live in West Virginia , USA. I really don't know where to look about the back-child support.

Ive read some posts, and from what I've gathered its meaningless if his names on the birth certificate or not. Did I happen to miss something?

Str8stack71 · Jan 13, 2009, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by stevetcg

the good news is that if he pursues this, he could be liable for back support, depending on your region. This will go a long way towards getting him to allow for you to adopt. Seeing that 5 figure number pop up "due immediately" really opens some absent parent's minds to the future and what is "best for the child".

Excellent point!

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by chrisblahblah

I live in West Virginia , USA. I really dont know where to look about the back-child support.

Ive read some posts, and from what I've gathered its meaningless if his names on the birth certificate or not. Did I happen to miss something?

Child support in WV goes back to the date of filing the Petition, not to birth. If your wife had filed and he had not paid, then she could file for back support. If she files tomorrow, then support will run back to tomorrow.

As far as his name on the birth certificate, WV appears to be very liberal, unlike other States which have time frames: "(c) A proceeding to establish paternity under the provisions of this article may be brought for any child who was not yet eighteen years of age on the sixteenth day of August, one thousand nine hundred eighty-four, regardless of the current age. "

Here's the Statute: West Virginia Paternity Law Law Summary and Law Digest

This is obviously an emotional as well as complicated legal problem. If I were you I would make an appointment to discuss the entire situation with an Attorney. You have received a number of opinions but the only person who can tell you conclusively is a WV Attorney, experienced in family law matters.

vwdieseljunkie · Jan 13, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You have received a number of opinions but the only person who can tell you conclusively is a WV Attorney, experienced in family law matters.

And there you have it. Step one begins.

chrisblahblah · Jan 13, 2009, 09:30 AM

Thank you everyone who gave me advise. I greatly appreciate it.
As soon as my wife gets back from, we're going to go find a lawyer.
Hopefully we will be able to get custody of my daughter, I guess only time
And prayer will tell. If you have a spare moment, please pray for us.

Thanks again,

~Desperate dad

450donn · Jan 13, 2009, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by chrisblahblah

Just one more question please, I'm very grateful that you have answered my questions.

What do you think would be the best way to go about getting him to sign his rights over
so I can adopt her. I hear you about the child support, I'm sure my wife will file for that after the paternity test turns up positive.

You really want him gone. Hire a lawyer and go after him for child support including all back support payments. That should make him run like a scared rabbit. Insist on a hefty support payment agreement before any paternity tests would be done.

JudyKayTee · Jan 13, 2009, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by 450donn

You really want him gone. Hire a lawyer and go after him for child support including all back support payments. That should make him run like a scared rabbit. Insist on a hefty support payment agreement before any paternity tests would be done.

There is no back child support due. In WV support goes "back" to when the mother filed, not when the child was born.

Perhaps ongoing support could be an issue. Perhaps not.

Assuming the father isn't absolutely stupid (and I'm not saying he isn't) there can be no "hefty support payment agreement" before DNA and paternity is estabished. There is, likewise, no "insisting." The mother has no grounds to insist on anything until paternity is established. If she does "insist" and the father somehow agrees and he is NOT the father (and hopefully the only thing the mother lied about is the identity of the father) then that money goes back if the alleged father is NOT the father.

That's why the Court doesn't allow side pocket deals and requires DNA testing.

My advice to OP? Same as I've posted and now I will add: "Don't try to deal with the "father" yourself. Leave that to the Attorneys. You have no legal standing and will accomplish nothing."