[debyrenee]

We recently moved my Mother in law to a beautiful assisted living facility close to our home. She has everything she could possibly want there except for us. How do we explain to her that we are not going to have dinner with her every night? She arrived over the Holidays and I made sure that she knew that the Holidays were different. We had Thanksgiving, Hannuka, Christmas, Birthday and New Years. Now she is calling everyday to ask my husband to have breakfast (on the weekends) and pretty much every night during the week. My husband is streesed out because he hates saying no, but we do have a life (working full time) and we are not sure what the proper way of putting it is. We don't want to go on a schedule of once a week.
I will tell you that she has many friends where she is at and joins in all the activities, plus they have a great dining room where she can order what ever she wants at any time. It does cost her $10.00 a person for us to join her for a meal. Our son (25) unfortunately told her he would be there once a week.
Any suggestions? Please? We are going slowly insane.

[Choux]

I am evaluating assisted living facilities, and I have found one that will be very good for my needs. It is a difficult time for the senior... a final step, as it were.

However, a person has to face realilty... your mother in law has to understand that her life is different now and that you have your own lives. YOur husband has to be firm. "No Mother, we can only visit once a week(whatever)." After saying that, he must not say anything else. Not answer her pleading... just say, "We will see you next week Monday(whatever)."

This is my experience when my mother was in a nursing home for lung cancer. Two of her friends and I were in a nice room playing bridge and enjoying fellowship when my mother turned to me pleading and said (I'm paraphrasing) that she needed to have hope and wanted to go home in the future, she didn't want to think that living in the nursing home was her last residence.

I felt like I had been punched... she was dying of lung cancer and she knew it... so in front of her two friends I said that she had to stay here and be taken care of; she couldn't go home.

I felt the air in the room pressing on the top of my head and the silence was pounding in my ears. Eventually, one of her friends said something, and we continued playing bridge.

There was no one I needed more than my mother, and I wish I had her now. Life is full of difficult situations. Have courage. She is in a great place with friends... she has it made in her old age. Don't succumb to emotional blackmale. :)


Your mother in law will be fine. :)

[chrissymarie]

This subject really bother me and hits me close to home. When my grandma needed help taking care of herself the last years of her life my parents moved her into our home. She was such a pain sometime to have around She just continued to get more and more needy until she passed. It was one of the most difficult times of my life and I know it was one of the most difficult times of my parents lifes.

To me it seems like grandma doesn't like the home, it may look good from the outside looking in but put yourself in her shoes... dinner alone, seeing most everyone you've known pass, limited time with your family, the clock just ticking closer and closer to the day you pass... all these things haunting her everyday and no one around to comfort her. Some older people love their independence the older and older they get and some revert to becoming more and more dependent. Grandma seems to be one of these people.

Things would probably be a lot easier for you if you moved her into your home> She probably will start feeling closer to the family and become less of a nag, and if if that's not the case and her neediness stays present Taking care of her until she passes is the right thing to do. It is your husbands responsibility to take care of his mother and when you married him it became your responsibility too.

Sometimes your so busy you never have time to look around and smell the roses. Having her around and living in your home as a family member may not be so bad... don't you want to spend the last years of her life with her?

[ZoeMarie]

I would approach it like this, "Wouldn't you like to make new friends? I would imagine it's hard to meet people when we're there all the time." Just an idea. My mom was in a nursing home for a year before she died. She made so many friends and every time we went to see her she would have a new friend to introduce us too. I know assisted living isn't exactlty the same concept

[450donn]

You have made a decision to place her into a care facility. We made a different decision and moved my mother in law into our home many years ago. She is now 92 and it is becoming increasingly difficult to have her. But we made this decision and will live with it until she dies. You will regret any decisions you make about the care of your parents. It is natural. All you can do is visit often and take her out when possible. There is no right or wrong in this.

[tickle]

I am going to weigh in here because having clients in long term care facilities I have noticed how the visiting aspect is carried out by their children. It is very routine. Same as routine for children.

You get them used to seeing you on a certain day and they will look forward to that day and learn to understand that is when you can come to visit.

I took care of my mother for 7 years before putting her in a nursing home, but it was a mutual agreement between her and I. I went on certain days and she began to look forward to that certain day. It worked best for both of us.

Caring for an elderly parent in your own home can be stressful. I recognize that, having been there. Especially when there are children involved. It has come to be called the 'sandwich generation' meaning being sandwiched between children and elderly and trying to do your best for both. Then there is the financial aspect, one has to be home all the time, therefore relying on one income to get through.

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see you moved her from her home, to a location near you. And you feel that visits on the major holidays are enough.

If she is close by there is no reason he can not stop by every couple days and just say HI, and no reason to be honest that every weekend you all or at least he can not go in for one meal with her.

I would say she is asking because you and he are not doing enough

[Jake2008]

One person's 'enough' is another's 'never enough'. Hard to judge. Some people in similar situations do far less than even the main holidays.

Could it be that the family just needs a break? The mother in question seems to be in a lovely place, has interests and new friends. She's busy, and adjusting well. Perhaps the idea as suggested of regular visits will solve both he needs of the mother, and the needs of the family.

To be constantly pressured to do more than one can do, does not make it exactly enticing to visit more. It becomes a chore. I suspect that even if visits were four days a week, there would still be the pressure to visit five, and twice on Sundays.

Of course, this is just my opinion, and I do not know for sure, but putting myself in that situation, I can see where a set schedule (even if it means what is set now i.e. with the son), is necessary. Everybody will have to respect the agreed upon visit dates, and unless something special comes up, like Christmas, special birthdays etc. then the schedule will remain constant and consistent.

As choux said, "However, a person has to face realilty...your mother in law has to understand that her life is different now and that you have your own lives. YOur husband has to be firm. "No Mother, we can only visit once a week(whatever)." After saying that, he must not say anything else. Not answer her pleading...just say, "We will see you next week Monday(whatever)."

I really think that is the only way to resolve this, and ease the pressure.

[Jake2008]

ChrissieMarie,

I am only stating an OPINION based on what the original poster's question stated.

As such, it is not factually wrong. The more opinions the better, and that is what the forum and questions are all about.

To give me a 'reddie' because you disagree with my opinion, which is stated as well by others, is not an appropriate way to make a point.

I happen to disagree with your opinion, but the decision to be made on the problem, is that of the poster. I would not fault you for disagreeing with me.

[chrissymarie]

Jake2008... I still disagree with you and I do have a right to let other posters know I disagree with you.

Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I'm right.

But like I said I disagree with you, and I welcome others who disagree with me to let me know by posting that they disagree.

[Jake2008]

If you hit 'rate this answer', as you did, that gives a person with an opinion, me, a 'reddie', which is innapropriate in this type of thread.

If you hit 'reply to post', you post your opinion. That is the way it is supposed to be done.

I couldn't care less if you agree with my opinion or not.

But, by hitting 'rate this answer', you are judging my opinion, and that is not what stating an opinion is all about.

Perhaps that is what you meant to do, was to post, and not rate, in which case I apologize. I really don't think you were faulting me for having an opinion, and if you were, well, you've been informed.

Maybe if there is a moderator or administrator reading this board, they can explain it better than I can.

[Synnen]

There is a HUGE difference between taking care of an elderly parent that is in a retirement home and an elderly parent that needs an assisted living facility.

It may not be POSSIBLE to have his mother in their home due to medical issues that would require an around-the-clock nurse.

I worked in a retirement home. These were seniors that had NO problem doing things on their own, didn't have major medical issues, and just wanted to not have the chore and responsibility of a house anymore--and to have your meals made for you, housekeeping clean for you, and have outings regularly sponsored by the center to go do things that they didn't have to plan or drive to---most of them really enjoyed it.

That being said--family NEVER seemed to visit enough. Maybe TWO of the seniors had kids that stopped by regularly. Most of them missed their families, and seeing grandchildren, and being INVOLVED in the lives of their family. It's a very isolated feeling to feel like you've been shoved in a home and forgotten about.

How about having a regularly scheduled day to visit, and then two other days a week where you plan for a 15 minute phone conversation?

[tickle]

Working as a Personal Support Worker and having clients in retirement homes, nursing homes. I find for the most part they are happy in their own world. They adjust and make friends, that is if they can hear and see properly, otherwise it is difficult for them to form attachments.

Here in Ontario we have retirement homes that are specified 'assisted living' whereby seniors can live in a community, have their meals in a dining room, have their own room and come and go and have their meds monitored by an RN. This is the ideal situation if it can be afforded ($3000) per month. Usually there is a semi nursing home attached to this where, if they lose their mobility, become senile, etc. they are moved over to it.

I am always amazed by the amount of relatives and close friends who visit them and keep them informed.

You know, sometimes it becomes necessary to place a senior in a nursing home because of family situations, money problems, etc. At times it is stressful for one older child to caregive, work and tend to children and then that decision has to be reached. We call it the sandwich generation where parents are 'sandwiched' between elder parents and children and jobs. You have to realize that in order to look after an elder parent, one of the family has to give up a job,thereby losing income, stay home or hire someone to come in full time.

[chrissymarie]

Here in Ontario we have retirement homes that are specified 'assisted living' whereby seniors can live in a community, have their meals in a dining room, have their own room and come and go and have their meds monitored by an RN. This is the ideal situation if it can be afforded ($3000) per month. Usually there is a semi nursing home attached to this where, if they lose their mobility, become senile, etc. they are moved over to it.


You know, sometimes it becomes necessary to place a senior in a nursing home because of family situations, money problems, etc. At times it is stressful for one older child to caregive, work and tend to children and then that decision has to be reached. We call it the sandwich generation where parents are 'sandwiched' between elder parents and children and jobs. You have to realize that in order to look after an elder parent, one of the family has to give up a job,thereby losing income, stay home or hire someone to come in full time.

If you can afford a nursing home at $3000.00 a month, money is definitely not a problem.

[Synnen]

Actually, Chrissy, you're wrong on that.

What can and can not be subsidized for senior living varies by state and by insurance program and retirement benefits.

Some seniors get HOUSING assistance, but cannot afford to get an around-the-clock nurse to help them out.

The $36k a year for housing is STILL cheaper than the average nurse's salary---and you'd need at least TWO nurses for full time help. So... since $36k a year is a LOT less than the $80k a year for a couple of nurses, well... it IS cheaper to live in assisted living.

PS: What do YOU pay each month for housing, food, utilities and medical care? Betcha it's at LEAST $3k a month!

[chrissymarie]

Actually, Chrissy, you're wrong on that.

What can and can not be subsidized for senior living varies by state and by insurance program and retirement benefits.

Some seniors get HOUSING assistance, but cannot afford to get an around-the-clock nurse to help them out.

The $36k a year for housing is STILL cheaper than the average nurse's salary---and you'd need at least TWO nurses for full time help. So....since $36k a year is a LOT less than the $80k a year for a couple of nurses, well....it IS cheaper to live in assisted living.

PS: What do YOU pay each month for housing, food, utilities and medical care? Betcha it's at LEAST $3k a month!

coming from personal experience having my own grandmother and geat uncle in our home. It took way less than $3k a month. Our nurse took a salary of $15 per hour and worked 4 to 8 hrs a day while mly parents were at work or my brothers and I were at school. Way less that $36000. Neither my grandmother nor great uncle had an income of 36k a year.So a nursing home would have been way more expensive.

All I'm trying to say is that I personally do not believe in nursing homes. There is no excuse for putting your parents in a home because you don't have the "time or money" to care for them. The Grandmother didn't say that about her son when he arrived, she took care of him like family is supposed to.

I guess I just come from a really strong close knit family with a lot of family values.

[Synnen]

And for those families ALREADY stretching to make time and money reach all the needs, having an elderly relative in the home, ESPECIALLY one with a lot of medical needs, is a drain on finances, energy, time, etc. A parent with 2 small children and her mother with alzheimer's in the home is going to go insane, and quickly.

I have a HUGE family. Christmas tends to be about 80 people all in one house, and it's spread over 5 generations (yes, I still have great-grandparents still alive). I don't think there's a senior in my family over the age of 85 that isn't in a home of SOME sort. And most of them chose their OWN home, so that they were less of a burden on their kids, and so that they could get the care they needed around other people with many of the same interests. If for health reasons they can't join US for the holiday, then several of US go to THEM. We also all either visit or write--it was ingrained in us as children that to do so was a loving duty.

I remember having to work around my G-gramma's bridge schedule and my G-grampa's euchre group in order to visit.

So while I understand your aversion to nursing homes, please remember that WHERE a senior lives has NOTHING to do with how included they feel in family events.

Remember, please, that there is a HUGE difference between a nursing home, a retirement home, and an assisted living facility--and most of the differences are in the level of care the person living there needs.

[chrissymarie]

I guess Synnen and I will just agree to disagree.

[tickle]

To tell you the truth, Chrissy, I have strong family values and loved my mom to pieces. I cared for her for l0 ten years before she had to go in a nursing home. Her and I had talked about this previously. The reason for the nursing home, well, we were losing everything, putting our son through college on one income.

Hard decision, no, because mom and I were mutually agreed on this most important move. Hard to do without her, yes, it was but the nursing home was within walking distance.

You know, good comes out of adversity. My decision to go into the healthcare sector as a cert. PSW was directly related to my caring for mom and wanting to make it better for other seniors. All her her adult life she care for others well into her senior years. I am honoring her by doing what I do best.

I would like to add that we didn't have a lot so she couldn't go into the $3000 bracket. Hardly. Her Old Age Security Benefits partially paid for her monthly residence at a little over $l;000 a month.

[Fr_Chuck]

We had to finally put my Father in a nursing home when he no longer knew us most of the time, could not walk, bathe and other issues.

But the issue here is visiting once a week, just once a week, I would think that they could visit at least 2 or 3 times a week, a couple visits may only be 10 min.

And this is in the same town, not across the nation.

I would hope that if they were living in their own home and played golf every day that a son would still visit his mother every week at a min if they lived in the same town.