[annie fletcher]

I have a son of 36 and a daughter of 32. This concerns my daughter. We have always had a very close relationship, no problems as she was growing up. She married her school sweetheart in 2002 and everything was wonderful. She gave birth to her first son in 2003 and the whole family, ours and her husband's (we all get on well) were delighted. But since having this son and a subsequent son 3 months ago, her attitiude towards me has changed totally. She rings me every day, sometimes several times, for a chat, just as she always has done, except that now if I voice an opinion that doesn't coincide with hers, she talks over me. (She teaches in a secondary school). She and her husband are keen for us, and her husband's mother, to be 'hands on' grandparents, a task that we do with delight, and she has no gripes about that, but all 3 of us grandparents have for some time felt as if it is assumed that we will drop everything (we all have full time jobs) to take over child care. That we have our own lives counts for nothing, and although we do our utmost to be available at the drop of a hat, there have been a few times when none of us has been able to help out. The consequence of this is that we find ourselves at the wrong end of a critical tongue lashing. We, the grandparents, have just left a family holiday with them because we just couldn't deal with all the 'child care' demands my daughter and her husband put on us. I was reduced to tears by my daughter when I for once stood up for myself (it was our holiday too!) I felt that she was treating me as she would one of her naughtier school children. As I wept, she laughed. Anybody out there to help?

[phillysteakandcheese]

I would "strongly" remind your daughter that you are her parent, and “advise” her to mind the disrespectful attitude and what she "demands" of you.

Do not permit her treat you like a student.
She should treat you like you are the Superintendent of Education - and be grateful for what you are doing to help her.

I don't want to pick on teachers, but it has been my experience that there are always some teachers that are “never wrong” (i.e. not open to other opinions) and that really do enjoy the “power trip” (i.e. dominance) they get over students. It sounds like over the years, your daughter has become one of those kinds of people.

Stand up for yourself and do not permit her to bully you.

[Dr D]

I hope that I am not coming out of left field on this question. Apparently the change in your daughter's personality and behavior towards you has been rather sudden and extreme. Have you considered the posibility of some type of substance abuse as a cause for this change. I have a daughter who had a very close relationship with me and the rest of her family. A few years ago she got into crystal meth, and during a span of a few short months turned into a paranoid and generally nasty person. Since none of us condoned her drug usage, she has broken all contact with me, the rest of her family, and friends that she had since high school. I believe that she is now off drugs, but the nastiness remains. I hope that I am totally wrong in your case.

[kp2171]

Having kids can also create a stress that makes one focused on ones self. That, however, is no excuse for this rude behavior.

She is well old enough to have the perspective that your lives are independent and have meaning outside of serving her. I'm guessing you've talked about this with the other grandparent? If not, its time to unite, if possible. Then its time to draw some lines. If all she does is yell and scream back, then I think you need to back away a bit.

I know its hard with wanting to see the grandkids. The grandkids will only know the love you have for them, regardless of her actions.

Maybe a schedule would help? Agree to give her and her husband a night out or a day on the weekend on a regular basis... some time when they can be together and not doing other tasks. Then, if something comes up, they can ask for, but not expect, help.

Seems like you are still going to have to be a parent to this grown up child. You draw the lines and stand firm. If she makes noise about it... try to stay as calm as possible and let her back herself into a corner. She has no argument.

The only other thing I can think of is whether they have money issues and are hesitant to arrange for a sitter. I know with the little one it might be harder to find a sitter that would be suitable... I don't know.

I guess the bottom line has been said. If she's acting like a 16 year old then you need to treat her like one. Draw some lines, stand firm. Take care of yourself and lose no sleep over her rudeness. You've done nothing wrong.

[CaptainForest]

I don’t want to pick on teachers, but it has been my experience that there are always some teachers that are “never wrong” (i.e. not open to other opinions) and that really do enjoy the “power trip” (i.e. dominance) they get over students. It sounds like over the years, your daughter has become one of those kinds of people.

I second that.

I have seen teachers like that over the years too. Why they are still allowed in the school system I don't know. Well, I do know... its called unions...

I agree with everything Philly has said to you.

You need to stand up to her, etc.

[annie fletcher]

Thank you so much everybody for your replies and advice. I don't feel such a total loser now! I will stand firm and kindly try to stand my ground a little bit more.

[ScottGem]

In partial defense of your daughter, it may be hard for her to separate the way she treats her students and the way she treats other people outside of school. This is not an excuse but a possible explanation.

I agree you need to stand up to her and make sure she realizes that not everyone is in her classroom.

[valinors_sorrow]

You are sadly describing my sister, who is indeed a teacher who married a teacher. You mentioned all the grandparents have been treated this way and felt as you do so maybe an "intervention" of some kind would be possible. The is where all of you call a meeting among yourselves and work out the details, forge your alliance and plan your "script" -- best to have it written down. Then you all call a meeting with the two of them and lovingly list what you won't tolerate anymore and list what you are expecting and willing to respond to instead. Its possible she might not be so aware and this invites her to have an epiphany. If she is unwilling to cooperate, then she'll need to find her own babysitter to abuse. It is risky, so think carefully, since if it backfires -- who knows. But if it works, it may solve this and even some underlying problem as well might surface to be solved. The key is to be certain you are being fair, and its critical that you all remain lovingly, solidly unyielding and united in seeking a common solution, emphasis on the word: solution.

[Myth]

It may be that she's suffering from post partum depression. We tend to lash out at the people we love. I would think that if this is new since the second child three months ago it might be that. I might also venture a guess as to a second possibility of she's not getting the attention that she did while pregnant. I don't know if I'm way off here but it might be a hormonal thing.

[YeloDasy]

First as a side note... I don't think it fair to judge her on her profession, we all sometimes can look at the world through our professions and what we see... BUT she still doesn't have the right to disrespect you... and I would look at what myth said... it sounds like that to me as well... and she may not even know the symptoms... or how to explain her emotions... look into depression, post partum. Good call... great to rule out or explore.

[CaptainForest]

i agree about the statement concerning teachers. ive seen manipulative persons in many professions, and i think its short sighted to single out teachers.

I don't think anyone here is saying that those type of people only exist amongst the teaching profession.

But, it is the most common example.

We all have had some kind of intense interaction with teachers for a huge part of our lives, be it from the age of 5 till 22 and then later in life if you have kids…

While there are manipulative persons in other professions, we night not encounter them as often as we do with teachers.

Teachers are simply the easiest example that can relate to the personal experiences of a great number of people.

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't think anyone here is saying that those type of people only exist amongst the teaching profession.But, it is the most common example.

I agree and would add this to it.

I don't think "teacher" and immediately prepare for someone bossy anymore than I think "doctor" and imagine arrogance or think "lawyer" and believe I am about to meet a wannabee powerbroker, but stereotypes of anything get that way by common occurrences. And to acknowledge the common occurrence is not discrimination. Prejudice is when you let the stereotyping bleed over and overwrite reality so you mistake someone for what they are not.

I assure you my sister was bossy all her life --a frustrated dictator comes to mind, actually. LOL She is also a very good high school teacher and a something of a poor sister or friend because of the bossy attitude.

[YeloDasy]

Well, I work as a school counselor and work in the trenches with these teachers, so I am just going to disagree with a smile! :) Well, I agree with some parts, but I disagree to make this personality assumption as a negative trait... :) I'm still smiling! Haha

[ScottGem]

I also don't think anyone is singling out or denigrating teachers here. I think the comments here have been based on this ONE instance. I just certainly think its possible that a teacher, who is used to dealing with children all day, could have trouble separating their work life from their personal and treat others like they treat their students. Just as military officers might be more inclinded to order people about.