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helpme1089 · Jan 11, 2009, 10:16 PM

So it's been about a month since my breakup with my girlfriend and we're on friendly terms now. We talk and are cordial with each other but don't go out of our way to hang out together, or at least I don't. We have a lot of mutual friends so therefore we still hang out once a week or so. I still have some feelings for her, or so I think but I am really confused about how she feels. Before the breakup things were a little bit shakey but nothing out of the ordinary. She spent the night Friday, I went for a guys weekend and came back Sunday. I decided that we needed to talk to work out a few problems that we had been having (minor) but I think she was giving the "we need to talk" and trying to break up with her and just wanted to beat me to the words to stay in control. To this day all she will say is that she "just doesn't feel the same anymore." What confuses me is that she still has some of my clothes and when I ask for them back she says yes and then conveniently "forgets" every time I see her. Also, she still has herself tagged in a lot of pictures on Facebook of us kissing/cuddling/holding hands. I just don't know what to do. Should I talk to her again even though she isn't good at having a conversation, she'll just stay quiet or do I just leave everything how it is? Any help is greatly appreciated...

Clough · Jan 12, 2009, 01:03 AM

Hi, helpme1089!

In my opinion, I think that you need to be assertive, firm but friendly in order to get your clothes returned to you. You already allude to the fact that she probably has some control issues.

If there's confusion and you don't know what she thinks because of a lack of or inability on her (and, maybe you part also? Might just be because you're incompatible with each other and not really your fault.) to communicate openly, pro-actively and positively with each other, than I think that it's time to wrap things up and move on to having an intimate relationship with someone with whom you're more compatible.

Mutual friends, cordiality, that's okay. An over-nighter? Not in my book. Why risk getting hurt? Sounds like she needs to think about moving on also.

For me, it would be time to not keep "beating my head against the wall" wondering what's happening and just make plans and moves to move on. Why stay with someone with whom a guessing game is being played?

That's my take on things and just some thoughts for you...

Hopefully, others will also be along to address your question.

Thanks!

helpme1089 · Jan 12, 2009, 02:09 AM

Thank you so much for your response! I cannot agree with you more that we are not compatible and that it is definitely time to move on. The entire relationship was a guessing game and she is still playing mind games with me. As we all know though, it's easier said than done.

Clough · Jan 12, 2009, 03:03 AM

Yes, I know that it's hard, helpme1089! I've been there, done that in a number of relationships.

The more a person cares, the more they hurt!

I wish for you only the best!

Thanks!

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 01:48 PM

Stop sitting on your hands waiting for her to make a move. You make one for yourself. So what if its not easy, its not supposed to be.

helpme1089 · Jan 20, 2009, 01:43 AM

I just wanted to start by saying that this is mainly a vent. I need to get stuff off my chest and would love some feedback and help. At 19 this was my first real relationship so therefore I don't have a lot of experience with breakup and the aftermath. I really just don't understand her and I think that my way of coping is not going to work well. I've been back at college for 2 days now. Last night she texted me out of nowhere to see what I was doing so I decided why not hang out... it had been like 2 weeks. We hung out and it was totally fine but I was thinking why me? Many of her girl friends are in town... why not hang out with them? Today one of our mutual friends had a kickback at her apartment and I knew that both of us were going to be there. This was the first instance where we both were in a party setting together since the breakup. About an hour before the party when I was pregaming with some friends she texted me the words to "our song" "I keep bleedin I keep keep bleedin love." This complicated my entire night. It got so bad that I just had to leave and walk home by myself. My was of coping was to just turn my back. Is she trying to mess with my mind? Are there any better ways of coping? I'm starting to feel that I just need to disconnect from these mutual friends...

roy78 · Jan 20, 2009, 02:10 AM

My closest friend of 5 years has broken up due to a big mistake created by me .causin problems with her husband and misunderstanding, but eventually we started talking,but sometimes she is rude and keeps saying that she wants to be left alone.I want to patch up and have been trying for the last 6 months.How do I handle my anxiety and fear of losing her if I leave her alone

nike 1 · Jan 20, 2009, 02:31 AM

roy78, I think maybe you should ask your question by opening your own thread.
This is for helpme1089 and helping him with his.
Open your own and people will be glad to help you.

neverme · Jan 20, 2009, 03:49 AM

Unfortunately you have to strap on a pair and deal with this situation. If you don't your never going to answer your own questions and put this relationship to bed.

Realise that this is (most likely) her first relationship break up too and she is just not as good at hiding her feelings and probably hasn't a notion what you or she is thinking.

Inevitably we all over-think a relationship break up and do things you will most likely regret as soon as you see the 'message sent'.

helpme1089 · Jan 20, 2009, 11:10 PM

Thanks everyone for your help! We're hanging out again tonight (grrr) and I wanted to know if anyone has any pointers on what to say. I want to talk to her about this situation because it sucks to put our friends in the middle. Any tips on what to say?

neverme · Jan 20, 2009, 11:26 PM

Hi helpme,

I think that of you begin by calmly outlining the problems you see with the situation and possibly some solutions and then sit back and let her talk. If you can understand where both of you are coming from it makes your situation a lot easier.

Best of Luck.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 06:25 AM

Your continuing to be around her is what's confusing you. Either that stops or the healing process will never work for you. Its real simple, when you break up with someone , act like it at least. Then she won't have so many opportunities to influence your thinking.

You obviously need a life beyond this circle of friends.

helpme1089 · Jan 25, 2009, 04:17 AM

I agree completely but I can't get away from her. She comes to my house all the time and there is really nothing I can do about it. I live with 10 other guys in a fraternity house and she is one of those girls that is always there. I've started to avoid her at all costs. I don't talk to her when she's here an dif she is near me or with someone I need to talk to I ignore her. I know it's a terrible coping method, but it's what I have and I don't know what else to do. As far as talking to her goes it's an impossible feat, she just doesn't talk. I want to be over her so badly and can tell myself hundreds of reasons it didn't and never will work but I still can't get over her. It's so frustrating!

talaniman · Jan 25, 2009, 06:57 AM

Most people find it easier to move on when they are busy with making themselves happy. That takes a plan, working that plan, and time.

One of the things I learned back in the day, was that it was me making too much of what I lost, as opposed to adjusting my life to include things I liked, new people, and activities.

So if your still stuck in the same social group, change that.

When I started enjoying what I was doing with out the ex, she was history.

Stuart Z · Jan 26, 2009, 10:08 PM

There seems to be a lot of missing pieces here that only you could know. No one can know what she is thinking, but it sounds that you are reading into her behavior a little much. From experience, I would not chase after her. If you don't absolutely need the clothes back, let her keep them. I know what its like to be on the other end of a break-up-it sucks.Were you giving her signals that you were going to end it? Ask yourself these questions and let her come to you for know

teastalk · Jan 27, 2009, 12:00 AM

I think you should:
1)Have a sit-down talk with her if you still want to reconcile.
2)During this talk, ask point-blank "do you want to try our relationship again?"

If you don't want a relationship with her anymore, then I suggest the actions the others are promoting:
1)Go forth and try to find your own happiness