[Hopewellcouple]

My husband and I have a 10 year old son who is very disrespectful. He DOES NOT LISTEN to me or anyone else. He goes into these anger fits and just yells and calls everyone names. We also have a 2 1/2 year old son who is picking up on his older brothers actions. He has gone to many Drs. And counslers and he has been put on medicine for ADHD and he also has a lot of anger due to his father and step-mother putting him down and making him feel that he is nothing. We have been to court over the last 9 years and I would like for my son to grow up and feel good about himself. If someone could give me a few ideas on how to punish a 10 year old boy, I really need the advice.

Thank You

Hopewellcouple

[Wondergirl]

I don't think punishment is what he needs. In addition to the ADHD, he is probably totally angry and confused by his family situation.

Have you and your husband gone to a family counselor to get some parenting help?

[Wondergirl]

Tell us something he does wrong and how you handle it.

[rockerchick_682]

I don't know enough and I'm not a parent... but it sounds like he needs to know that he is loved and cherished but has boundaries.

[DoulaLC]

Is he living with you and your husband or with his father and stepmother? Has there been follow through with his meds... doctor's appointments... counselor appointments?

[Jake2008]

When you say you need ideas on how to punish a 10 year old boy, do you mean discipline?

There is a difference.

The more chaos in a child's life, the more discipline, and routine he needs in order to feel secure. If he is out of control, it is a lack of good parenting skills, and communiction between all the adults who are not on the same page.

If his interests were truly at heart, all parties would attend counselling and learn how to parent this child in a consistent way, no matter who's got him at the time.

This child's behaviour is not going to get better until the adults agree on putting their differences aside, and discuss his needs first.

[dontknownuthin]

Here are my suggestions:

First, make sure that you do not discuss the issues with his father in front of him. And wrap it up already - 9 years is ridiculous. Settle or whatever you have to do to end the in-fighting.

Second, make sure your home is predictable, structured and safe. Have dinner at the table every day at a certain time. Have a comforting bedtime routine. Make sure his room is clean and neat, his bed made when he gets into it. Have your house orderly physically as well as the emotional feel of the place.

Third, catch him doing things right. "Boy, Charlie - your grade on that math test was awesome. Do you mind if I put it on the refrigerator, it really makes me feel good!" And tell him things like, "I'm sorry things have been difficult between your Dad and me, but I hope you will always know, it's not your fault - it's just hard to love someone and then have things end like they did with he and I, and we've done a lot of things we shouldn't have done because we were sad and lashing out. It's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done to change what has happened. Whatever happens, I'm so happy I get to be your Mom!"

Fourth, make sure to tell him you love him regularly.

Fifth, do not engage in raised voices or craziness even when he's off the wall with his behavior. Just take practical steps to manage his behavior and encourage him to comply with what you want him to be doing.

All these things have to be in place for the discipline to work.

Then, I would suggest you try to make things predictable to the extent you can so he knows he can count on you and will feel less threatened and chaotic. Use "first and then".
"First, we're going to the grociery store, then we're going to the bank. Finally, we're going to Target and if at the end of the shopping trip you have behaved the whole time and been helpful and had a positive and respectful attitude toward me, you may choose a candy bar or some gum at Target".

If he mouths off, etc. - do not give in. Tell him, "well, we're shopping again next week and you can try again. But honey, when you called me a jerk for not buying the pizza puffs you wanted at the grocery store, that was very disrespectful, so I cannot reward that behavior with candy today."

At home, have few rules but make them count. My son has a list of tasks for morning, after school and evening and he may not do anything else until those tasks are all done. When he complies without my intervention, I give him a gold dollar coin at bedtime. This is how he earns allowance and we bought a cheap wooden box at a craft store and decorated it - it is shaped like a treasure chest. His goal is to fill his treasure chest with gold (you can get the coins at a bank very easily). He does not want to spend them so he's also learning to save.

What is on our list includes:
Make bed
Shower (he's in junior high - I'd put this at night for your son)
Brush teeth
Put breakfast dishes in dishwasher
Put pjs in laundry or fold and put away
Take ADHD medication

After school:
Review planner
Do homework
Show homework and planner to mom or dad
Put school stuff away
Give Mom papers that were sent home by school

Evening:
Put clothes away or in laundry
Put stuff away in bedroom and play area
Make sure outside toys and bikes are put away properly
Be at the table with properly washed hands on time for dinner.


The reason I stress routine is that your life with two households for him, this ongoing divorce battle and his ADHD is chaotic. The natural inclination for some parents of kids with ADHD (or without it but acting in a similar way) is to give up on structure because it's hard for the kids to go along with the flow. This is the exact wrong thing to do. Life can be overwhelming, and by creating a schedule and structure, the child has less responsibility to manage and less small decisions that put way too much pressure on them.

Finally, if your child asks for something in a rude way, the answer is no - if he apologizes praise him for the maturity to apologize, and tell him he can ask politely on another day and you will reconsider but the consequence for rudeness will always be that he does not get what he's requesting. DO NOT GIVE IN.

You can also use consequences like no television, no video games, and things like that.

I do not use sending a child to his/her room for more than it takes them to get themselves in control. It is appropriate to expect an apology and a change in behavior before the child can be around the family however. You can say simply, "David, you need to take some time to yourself in your room and you can come back when you are ready to apologize and speak to us in a respectful way".

Also, you need to make sure that when your child asks for things nicely, that you don't always automatically say "no". Say yes to what is reasonable (assuming his list is done and so on).

You can eliminate a lot of issues by having some policies like, "If it's not on my grociery list, we're not buying it, period" and reserve the right to give surprises if they are not asked for or hinted at and are well-deserved.

And know some kids don't respond to negative consequences as well as to opportunities to earn rewards. My son, when I was having more behavior problems with him, considered any threatened consequence to be a foregone conclusion! But when I flipped it and offered rewards and focused on what I did want him to do (instead of "don't talk back", telling him I wanted him to "listen when you're spoken to and do what is asked without argument"), it finally hit home with him. Keep the rewards simple - things in every day life that are a privilege like watching television - can be very motivating.

Best wishes - it will get better.

[JoeCanada76]

Does not need punishment but positive reinvorcement.

Obviously the child is messed up because of the apparent emotional abuse. Along with the disorder that he has.

I think a parenting course would be good and maybe call the nanny.

[Jake2008]

Maybe it isn't so much what you've done, but what you haven't done.

Sometimes, a plumber doesn't necessarily know to fix a leak in their own taps. :)

Not to say, that you've summed up the picture very well, and it is a very difficult life with an unpredicatable child.

One of the most telling experiences of this child is the fact that he's been in the middle of court proceedings over his welfare for 9 years!

You have no control over what you cannot see, aka the father and step-mother. You may only be seeing the results of this when he comes home. Children do not necessarily remember exact moments, phrases, behaviours etc. that caused them to be angry, they are just angry.

That is why, in a perfect world, all parents would agree to counselling to hammer out a plan to deal consistently with issues such as discipline, but more importantly, issues of structure, appropriate consequences for bad behaviour, and routine routine routine!

I don't know if that's possible, and from what you've said about having already 9 years of court battles, it may not be possible. Perhaps a mediator, minister, social worker, or counsellor can even start with simple lists from all four people, of their concerns. You may not be aware of all that they have tried, and them you.

Four brains working together for a common goal is the only answer.

[raynarambo]

I have a son with ADHD and sometimes they fly off the handle in a state of confusion. I made the choice not to medicate my son, instead put him in counseling for it and then went to family counseling to be taught how to deal with his mental issues. There are not completely wired the same as everyone else. They loss their thoughts a lot and then get confused. They forget to do things because their minds are usually racing at a hundred miles per hour. The biggest problem with a child with ADHA is that they feel unloved a lot. They feel like they have let you down in a way you could never understand. I am sure that is exactly how he feels. And depending on who he is living with, maybe he feels he is the cause for your break-up. I would have to say that your family has way too many problems to diagnose and treat online, and maybe you should seek counseling for your son and the rest of the family should do the same.

[N0help4u]

You need routine and consistency. Like when you see one thing isn't getting him to behave changing to try something different confuses them instead of fixes the problem usually.
You might try reading
Brain allergies by Phil Pott
And
Crazy Makers by Carol Simontachhi

Also they are finding that many kids act out because of the lack of omega fatty acid in their diet.

[Daryldunmore]

Same was here, he is 20 now and doing well, bought his own house and getting married.
Most important, be consistent with punishments, if you punish him then stick with it. Don't let him talk back to you, this should be your first step, get him to respect you and let him know that when punished that means punish. Start with thous 2 things, then work on chores and respecting other peoples property. If he don't pick it up or take care of his things, throw it out. Be sure to do all of this with love, let him know that you love him, you can't say that too much. When he starts coming around, then spend a day with him with something he enjoys.