[kacey123]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. For awhile, he hasn't wanted to have sex as often as I would. I would like to have sex often but hardly ever ask him to have it since I never think that he wants to. I usually ask every few weeks, sometimes more sometimes less. I get angry that he never asks me at all unless I start it. Recently I've found him looking at stuff on the internet. This made me so mad because he goes and looks at these girls on the internet instead of doing anything with me or even asking me. A few months ago, I found pictures of famous girls in tight clothing or open skirts on the computer and asked him about them. We got in an argument about it and he said that he wouldn't do it again. Just last week I found that he went on MySpace and got off to a girl in these cut off shorts that was an old friend of his. He hasn't seen this girl in 4 years and said that they were just friends when we first started dating. He just told me now that he actually used to like her, and thought she was hott. I still think that it is ridiculous that he went on there and got off to her pictures! I ask him about it and he immediately lies to me. I don't give up on asking him, and eventually he tells me the truth about it. I got so angry about it and so upset that he did this! We've got in several arguments about it, and I still think about it. The other day we sat down and had a serious talk about it. I poured my whole heart into it and told him what I felt about it and how much it hurt me. It makes me feel insecure about myself, I'll think that I'm ugly or that he doesn't like me. He said what he felt and told me that he wouldn't do that again. We deleted his MySpace so he couldn't get on and look at those pictures again. After we had this talk, it made me feel like we were so much closer and we had sex twice that day and I sucked him off. We were kissing more and even holding hands throughout the day. That night, we came home and I went to bed. I woke up the next day and got on the computer and the cd drive accidentally came open so I closed it and up popped my DVD, The Simple Life season 1. This time I was so unbelievably hurt and everything we had just built up had all been knocked down not even two hours after I went to bed! I asked him why it was in there figuring he probably got off to it. He lied and said it has been in there even though I knew it hadn't. I kept asking him and he eventually told me he watched it after I went to bed and got off to Paris Hilton's tight, skimpy clothing in it. I don't understand why he went and did this especially right after we talked about it for so long! I understand that he is going to masturbate sometimes but why so often that it interferes with our relationship sexually, and emotionally? I thought maybe he just didn't like having sex that often, but I found out that he masturbates 4-5 times a week sometimes even more. This whole time I thought that he would just go forever without having an orgasm when he was really just fantasizing all the time about these girls! He told me that he probably hasn't went more that 3-4 days since he was 13. He tells me that he loves having sex with me when we do, but sometimes doesn't feel like going through it and would just rather go quickly. He loves everything about when we have sex and thinks it is the best thing, he also orgasms every single time. I understand this, and we don't have to have sex like we do all the time and that I would have sex like that if he would just ask me. I just want to orgasm the one time every two months we have sex. If we had sex more often I understand that not every time I'm going to go and would love just getting him off. He also says that it isn't because he isn't attracted to me anymore, he asked me out because he thought I was the hottest girl he'd ever seen and still thinks that.


I'm so confused on why this happened and keeps happening. We are going to work on it a lot harder this time (well I know I am, and hopefully he does like he said he would) then we ever have and he has been trying to be more intimate and honest and I can tell he is making such an effort. I just would hate to be let down this time again, I don't think I could do it anymore if it happens again! Anyone have any advice? :confused:

[smoothy]

How old are both of you to start with... This is important to know. Its not the same is he is 18 or 48.

[kacey123]

How old are both of you to start with...This is important to know. Its not the same is he is 18 or 48.

I'm 19 and he is 25.

[xoxaprilwine]

I understand that your having sex infrequently and by him looking at girls while you are left to initiate sex is frustrating…especially if its sex once ever couple of weeks and then finding out he is getting off on other girls upsetting you and leaving you unsatisfied. Truth is guys always look at other girls and porn (in actuality they don't even need the visual stimulation but it helps – that's why they do it)…so long as it's that, so be it. As it goes for the ex-friend…I would question it too. How do you know he “got off” on her pictures though? I would be nervous because she is local and an old friend. Ok, he thinks she's hot but he really shouldn't say that…this makes you insecure and inferior…if he cared about how you feel he would leave that information out…unless of course you pried it out of him; don't ask questions to answers you really don't want to know or can't handle.

I think it is normal for a guy to masturbate 3-4 times a week…not a guy, but I do think that is normal…they say a healthy sex life is 3-5 times a week I suppose this would justify the healthy balance between the natural sex drive (for you) and the fantasy sex drive (for others)…they are not in competition at that point. Have you discussed maybe a balance with him rather then banning him? I also believe he is being honest when he say's he wants it over quickly…it's easier for him to please himself in 5-15 minutes then having the expectation of pleasing you…it is self-centered so it should be discussed in detail. I hate to say this but your emotional insecurity may be overwhelming to him and to you…you need to step back and stop controlling it and take ownership of it. See after you had the discussion, he went and did that but give it a good week or two weeks before you bring it up and say I haven't noticed a change; is there something I can do? You where quick to point it out again and these emotions will run you and your relationship…by you pursuing the topic frequently will dry up and he will eventually ignore it and think “whatever”. Push, push and he will eventually shove you back…relax a bit. Also, I was with my significant other since 16 and I noticed around age 23 he slowed down (but that was good 4 x a day was a little crazy)…then at 25 it also became non-existent for sometime, comes and goes and now its obsolete…so I understand how you “feel”. Keep yourself and your emotions in check…if it is ruining everyday aspect in your life and you are holding resentments towards him…let it go…move on before it grows into something uncontrollable and you get stuck in the relationship. He may not take you serious either…take a trip with your girlfriends somewhere nice and focus on yourself and your esteem issues (since you will more then likely develop esteem issues from it – as women are emotional creatures…deep routed). I understand this is very hard maybe some helpful tips on managing it would help... if not, get out while your ahead; your 19 and fresh and full of life - date, have fun, pursue your education and live up to your full potential. You my dear are still a child... GET OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN! Don't get fixated around a guy... I know you care about him but take care of yourself FIRST. Besides, I think he is a little to old for you... get another guy who is maybe a couple years older... match the sex drive.

[smoothy]

Speaking as a guy who has been that age and beyond. Every day isn't unusual. 4 times a day is.

But with that said, its strange that a guy who actually has a girlfriend who is willing to sleep with him chooses to beat his meat instead. I'm in my late 40's. I've been married for about 17 years, and not once my life have I spanked the monkey rather than sleep with my girlfriend or wife.

The only times I have in my adult life is either when the wife was away visiting family and wasn't available or before that when I was between girlfriends who were willing.

I don't know why he is choosing that option when he has a better alternative. Are there any points of friction between the two of you?

[xoxaprilwine]

Well she's a lucky girl :)

[asking]

But with that said, its strange that a guy who actually has a girlfriend who is willing to sleep with him chooses to beat his meat instead. I'm in my late 40's. I've been married for about 17 years, and not once my life have I spanked the monkey rather than sleep with my girlfriend or wife.

Smoothy, to me, your description is normal. And yet, over and over on AMHD I read about guys who would rather masturbate than sleep with a willing, often hot, female partner. What is going on?

My niece had the same problem with a live-in boyfriend a few years ago and finally left him. He would masturbate to porn at night while she was asleep, but refused to have sex with her. (She was healthy and hot, he was overweight, so it was not the other way around.)

And I just ran into this myself recently (for the first time in my life). I am single, and a guy I had been dating in friendly fashion, with flirting and cuddling, refused my attempts to initiate a kiss. He has been inviting ME to his apartment for dinners for a couple of months. I wasn't pursuing him initially. He told me (over several discussions) that he would rather see a woman and then masturbate later that "go to the trouble" of being in a relationship and that he had not had sex with a partner in 4 years, by choice. He basically wants all the stuff of a relationship--dinners together, conversation, watching movies together, going out, cuddling tightly, massage--but not the sex. He calls this being "friends." At every stage, he initiated whatever we did. He is mid 40s and kept saying he wasn't like other guys, wouldn't "take advantage of a chance to have sex" just because he could. He made it sound like he was very pure. But I think he is like a lot of other guys his age and younger--preferring to solo. (I went home frustrated and irritated. If a woman did this, she'd be called a tease or worse.)

As a biologist, I can tell you that this is maladaptive! I am just stunned by the number of postings that are similar to this one by Kacey. She may not be satisfied or happy, but she is in good company.

[asking]

I also believe he is being honest when he say’s he wants it over quickly…it’s easier for him to please himself in 5-15 minutes then having the expectation of pleasing you…

I have often seen this argument. But it's just selfish to not want to please the other person. Or that's what women have always been told. Plus, why shouldn't a woman be pleasable in 5-15 minutes? I certainly can be. I don't see any reason to assume that all women take an hour to get off.

Women have been "putting out" when they didn't feel like it, just to please men for forever. Isn't this supposed to cut both ways?

I think this guy should get back in touch with his animal self, learn to make love to a real woman. Porn is fine if it aids lovemaking, but not as daily competition with a real and eager partner. My two cents.

[kacey123]

I understand that your having sex infrequently and by him looking at girls while you are left to initiate sex is frustrating…especially if its sex once ever couple of weeks and then finding out he is getting off on other girls upsetting you and leaving you unsatisfied. Truth is guys always look at other girls and porn (in actuality they don’t even need the visual stimulation but it helps – that’s why they do it)…so long as it’s that, so be it. As it goes for the ex-friend…I would question it too. How do you know he “got off” on her pictures though? I would be nervous because she is local and an old friend. Ok, he thinks she’s hot but he really shouldn’t say that…this makes you insecure and inferior…if he cared about how you feel he would leave that information out…unless of course you pried it out of him; don’t ask questions to answers you really don’t want to know or can’t handle.

I think it is normal for a guy to masturbate 3-4 times a week…not a guy, but I do think that is normal…they say a healthy sex life is 3-5 times a week I suppose this would justify the healthy balance between the natural sex drive (for you) and the fantasy sex drive (for others)…they are not in competition at that point. Have you discussed maybe a balance with him rather then banning him? I also believe he is being honest when he say’s he wants it over quickly…it’s easier for him to please himself in 5-15 minutes then having the expectation of pleasing you…it is self-centered so it should be discussed in detail. I hate to say this but your emotional insecurity may be overwhelming to him and to you…you need to step back and stop controlling it and take ownership of it. See after you had the discussion, he went and did that but give it a good week or two weeks before you bring it up and say I haven’t noticed a change; is there something I can do? You where quick to point it out again and these emotions will run you and your relationship…by you pursuing the topic frequently will dry up and he will eventually ignore it and think “whatever”. Push, push and he will eventually shove you back…relax a bit. Also, I was with my significant other since 16 and I noticed around age 23 he slowed down (but that was good 4 x a day was a little crazy)…then at 25 it also became non-existent for sometime, comes and goes and now its obsolete…so I understand how you “feel”. Keep yourself and your emotions in check…if it is ruining everyday aspect in your life and you are holding resentments towards him…let it go…move on before it grows into something uncontrollable and you get stuck in the relationship. He may not take you serious either…take a trip with your girlfriends somewhere nice and focus on yourself and your esteem issues (since you will more then likely develop esteem issues from it – as women are emotional creatures…deep routed). I understand this is very hard maybe some helpful tips on managing it would help...if not, get out while your ahead; your 19 and fresh and full of life - date, have fun, pursue your education and live up to your full potential. You my dear are still a child...GET OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN! Don't get fixated around a guy...I know you care about him but take care of yourself FIRST. Besides, I think he is a little to old for you...get another guy who is maybe a couple years older...match the sex drive.

I completely understand that a guy has to masturbate, well everyone really, whether you're a guy or a girl. What I don't understand is why he masturbates to the things he does, like the old friends picture. I think that is just rude and disrespectful to me. It also becomes a problem when he would rather masturbate as much as he does then have sex with me that much. It's not like I'm not willing to or anything like that.

[kacey123]

Speaking as a guy who has been that age and beyond. Every day isn't unusual. 4 times a day is.

But with that said, its strange that a guy who actually has a girlfriend who is willing to sleep with him chooses to beat his meat instead. I'm in my late 40's. I've been married for about 17 years, and not once my life have I spanked the monkey rather than sleep with my girlfriend or wife.

The only times I have in my adult life is either when the wife was away visiting family and wasn't availible or before that when I was between girlfriends who were willing.

I don't know why he is choosing that option when he has a better alternative. Are there any points of friction between the two of you?

There isn't any friction between us as far as I'm concerned. We are very close, and open with each other about everything else. We can tell each other anything and we often have long talks if anything is bothering us. I asked him if there was something wrong with anything that I was doing or the relationship period and he said no that he's been doing this the entire time. It's like he said, he is so comfortable with doing it since he's done it by himself for so long. He said he masturbated just as much when first started dating. As much as we would do it when we first started dating, as fresh, new, and hot as it was then, I guess didn't matter.

Your wife is lucky and that is completely understandable what you do. You do it only when she is away like it should be. I have discussed with my boyfriend for so long now and have always asked him why he didn't want to have sex that much. I would think a guy his age would want to do it more than he does. He will NEVER just ask me unless I come over to him and turn him on. I can't remember the last time he asked me to have sex with him. He'd rather wait for me to fall asleep and do it with his hand. He still likes to go very often, just not with me.

[kacey123]

There isn't any friction between us as far as I'm concerned. We are very close, and open with each other about everything else. We can tell each other anything and we often have long talks if anything is bothering us. I asked him if there was something wrong with anything that I was doing or the relationship period and he said no that he's been doing this the entire time. It's like he said, he is so comfortable with doing it since he's done it by himself for so long. He said he masturbated just as much when first started dating. As much as we would do it when we first started dating, as fresh, new, and hot as it was then, I guess didn't matter.

Your wife is lucky and that is completely understandable what you do. You do it only when she is away like it should be. I have discussed with my boyfriend for so long now and have always asked him why he didn't want to have sex that much. I would think a guy his age would want to do it more than he does. He will NEVER just ask me unless I come over to him and turn him on. I can't remember the last time he asked me to have sex with him. He'd rather wait for me to fall asleep and do it with his hand. He still likes to go very often, just not with me.

And even though he likes having sex with me a lot when he actually does, he would rather just do it quickly and get over with by himself which I think is completely selfish. It's not like it's every now and then.. it's all the time! If it wasn't for me asking or coming over to him, he'd be completely happy just using his hand.

[kacey123]

I have often seen this argument. But it's just selfish to not want to please the other person. Or that's what women have always been told. Plus, why shouldn't a woman be pleasable in 5-15 minutes? I certainly can be. I don't see any reason to assume that all women take an hour to get off.

Women have been "putting out" when they didn't feel like it, just to please men for forever. Isn't this supposed to cut both ways?

I think this guy should get back in touch with his animal self, learn to make love to a real woman. Porn is fine if it aids lovemaking, but not as daily competition with a real and eager partner. My two cents.

I completely agree. It is just selfish to not want to please the other person as well. My boyfriend would rather use his hand then have sex with me just because it's quick and easy. I can usually go quickly too, not every time we have sex do I take long to get off. If he was willing to have sex with me more often than he does, I would please him more often without me having to go. But when we don't have sex for 1-2 months, I want to go that time. I guess he just assumes that every time we have sex he has to please me, and would rather just do it with his hand when I go to sleep instead of putting any effort into it at all.

[smoothy]

There isn't any friction between us as far as I'm concerned. We are very close, and open with each other about everything else. We can tell each other anything and we often have long talks if anything is bothering us. I asked him if there was something wrong with anything that I was doing or the relationship period and he said no that he's been doing this the entire time. It's like he said, he is so comfortable with doing it since he's done it by himself for so long. He said he masturbated just as much when first started dating. As much as we would do it when we first started dating, as fresh, new, and hot as it was then, I guess didn't matter.

Your wife is lucky and that is completely understandable what you do. You do it only when she is away like it should be. I have discussed with my boyfriend for so long now and have always asked him why he didn't want to have sex that much. I would think a guy his age would want to do it more than he does. He will NEVER just ask me unless I come over to him and turn him on. I can't remember the last time he asked me to have sex with him. He'd rather wait for me to fall asleep and do it with his hand. He still likes to go very often, just not with me.

He will not agree but he does have a problem. The hand is always a poor substitute for a woman. I'm not the only guy who feels this way either. Guys will sleep with anything that will spread their legs because of that. I really do believe he needs counseling to find out the reason for this behaviour. He might be a perfectly nice guy in other areas but this one aspect just isn't right.

[xoxaprilwine]

I completely agree. It is just selfish to not want to please the other person as well. My boyfriend would rather use his hand then have sex with me just because it's quick and easy. I can usually go quickly too, not every time we have sex do I take long to get off. If he was willing to have sex with me more often than he does, I would please him more often without me having to go. But when we don't have sex for 1-2 months, I want to go that time. I guess he just assumes that every time we have sex he has to please me, and would rather just do it with his hand when I go to sleep instead of putting any effort into it at all.

Ok, to be honest I had sex with my husband on October 18, November 24 and December 27 - once a month to month and a half and it doesn't last long and it actually SUCKS (I am not satisfied... oh mind you its when I am sleeping - half the time I have no idea what's going on)! I don't even remember the last time I moaned because I enjoyed it. I don't know what to do and everyone's got good answers... apply it as you have, have the talk and still... the guy doesn't listen and continues what he is doing "because he doesn't care and can't admit he has a problem". Thing is I find his stash and leave it out (so he sees I don't care- and he hides it again, again and again - why can't he just be honest for a change? I don't yell or get upset... I try to respect his space by not giving him a hard time). My mother said she would destroy it every time... she said it's too bad you got married and have kids, what are you going to do now? Get help and talk about it... but I have a 2 year old and 1 on the way so... what choice do I have? Become a single mother? She seen it and thinks its crazy and that he shouldn't be doing that.

It is a problem for I swear 75% of women (if not more). You can get help, which I did by getting a counselor so what? Nothing helped. I am not ugly... I was a model, sure I gained some weight from having kids but it will be lost after and I have a beautiful girl (boy on the way)... he isn't a freaken model either. I am not boring in bed and am open to EVERYTHING except sharing and mind you the collection of VS? BUT he wants to whack off to some skinny, HUGE breasted bimbo? (What's wrong with me? I am ready and willing? I gave up initiating) Then has the guts to say he wants me to be 90 pounds even though he knows how hard the pregnancy is! Sure he kisses me and hugs me and all that but seriously what is going on with them? I have two kids with him and everything... my intention is to stay unhappy and yet he says I have a bad attitude? Oh, and never did I say it wasn't selfish... take a look at all my issues. I have tried to stay reserved, open and understanding and it is the only thing I can do to stay sane.

I love it when people say "you can't be addicted to porn" because so many guy's loose relationships over it... if as Asking said "it's not used to assist in lovemaking". Another thing, if we keep on advancing in technology... whats going to happen when you can have virtual sex? Cheating will be a norm... it is a vicious cycle and it will grow. Sometimes I think women are to blame for allowing themselves to be so exploited. Honestly, your 19... get out!

[xoxaprilwine]

I have often seen this argument. But it's just selfish to not want to please the other person. Or that's what women have always been told. Plus, why shouldn't a woman be pleasable in 5-15 minutes? I certainly can be. I don't see any reason to assume that all women take an hour to get off.

Women have been "putting out" when they didn't feel like it, just to please men for forever. Isn't this supposed to cut both ways?

I think this guy should get back in touch with his animal self, learn to make love to a real woman. Porn is fine if it aids lovemaking, but not as daily competition with a real and eager partner. My two cents.

I can't rate you yet... but I couldn't agree more on both your posts! I am sorry you had to deal with a man like that :(... you sound like a real good catch... smart and ambitious... I love your posts.

[xoxaprilwine]

I completely agree. It is just selfish to not want to please the other person as well. My boyfriend would rather use his hand then have sex with me just because it's quick and easy. I can usually go quickly too, not every time we have sex do I take long to get off. If he was willing to have sex with me more often than he does, I would please him more often without me having to go. But when we don't have sex for 1-2 months, I want to go that time. I guess he just assumes that every time we have sex he has to please me, and would rather just do it with his hand when I go to sleep instead of putting any effort into it at all.

Most of them are nice guys sad to say.

[plonak]

I think it's a shame that women have to deal with this.. a real shame...

If your partner is not satisfying you sexually, I think you should get out of the relationship. He has some major issues, and I don't think you should stick around for them.

Just imagine if you married this dude, the problem would only get worse. If you can't see yourself marrying him, then what's the point in being with him.

I think porn is a sexual perversion, that the devil just loves to poision the world with. It's obviously a problem when he would rather masterbate to a picture then have the real thing.

He's not going to change, unless he wants to and if he gets some serious help and actually understands that he has an addiction! Yes he has an addiction.. it WILL NOT JUST GO AWAY WITH TALKS WITH YOU!!

Please have respect for yourself and get out while you can!

[smoothy]

I think it's a shame that women have to deal with this.. a real shame...

If your partner is not satisfying you sexually, I think you should get out of the relationship. He has some major issues, and I don't think you should stick around for them.

Just imagine if you married this dude, the problem would only get worse. If you can't see yourself marrying him, then what's the point in being with him.

I think porn is a sexual perversion, that the devil just loves to poision the world with. It's obviously a problem when he would rather masterbate to a picture then have the real thing.

He's not going to change, unless he wants to and if he gets some serious help and actually understands that he has an addiction! Yes he has an addiction.. it WILL NOT JUST GO AWAY WITH TALKS WITH YOU!!!

Please have respect for yourself and get out while you can!!

Porn has existed since before ancient Roman times... in fact is has existed since man was abble to fashion a phalic symbol in prehistoric times.

Porn is NOT the issue... and no its not an addiction... a normal man might get turned on by the porn but he is still going to preffer to get his satisfaction with a woman... not his hand.

Now the reasons he might preffer the hand it happens are numerous... she can be butt ugly... a slob... smell bad... be obnoxious... or he might have issues in which case it doesn't matter if she is a supermodel or just a damn hot regular gal.

Its all too easy to blame porn for personal issues... and the people usually running around pointing fingers at everything and everyone are usually the one with the problem... or problems. The first of which is accepting responsibility. They are the last people to see where the real problem is which is why counceing is always a good idea... you have a disinterested third party that can be unbiased in their opinions.

Anyone who jumps to blame porn for everything including drought and global warming isn't unbiassed. You see only one issue and then can't see anything else when you do.


However I do agree that she is probibly better off moving on in her life. SHe might go through years of counseling with him, he might refuse to even go and she never see's anything getting better. Just going to counseling is no guarantee of positive results, just the possibility of improvement.

People should judge their partners at face value... love what you have or move on. Hopeing they will change is an exercise in futility. Sure people MIGHT change if they really wanted to... but odds are things never change or get worse.

[xoxaprilwine]

You know what... I know where you stand Smoothy. Guy's that can manage both sex drives are hard to find but Porn Addiction | Masturbation Addiction | Sexual Addiction Help. There is what is called sexual addictions... just like gaming, gambling, alcohol, drugs... etc. It is the most misunderstood addiction but can become an addiction. The only thing differentiating it from other addictions is that it is a SYMPTOM of a CAUSE... non the less still an addiction. The cause as you mentioned can be numerous things but I would have to disagree when you say that the woman should take some ownership over it... it has nothing to do with the other partner (sexually) maybe emotionally (communication) or issues (family/work/physical insecurity) with intimicy (neglect, sexual neglect, promiscuous etc) in general.

Sure porn was around for a long time so was being gay in the Roman Army so what? Try to find every reason to justify the fact but women all around the globe have this issue, why? Most people who get addicted already have addictive personalities... need to put it all in retrospect. Not everyone is like you, unfortunately.

[asking]

Smoothy,
Yes we do not where you stand on this issue. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everyone who gambles is addicted to gambling, but people can show obsessive behaviors around almost anything, including computers or porn. No one is saying that everyone who looks at porn has porn addiction. But one characteristic of addiction is that the behavior interfers with normal relationships. I think that in this case, it's not an unreasonable thing to consider. This guy's preference for masturbation (using porn) is not healthy or normal, as you stated.