[someone27]

:confused:
Hi I'm a soon to be 27 year old from pa. I've been with my hubby for 9 years and married for 2. as of December 1st, I left him due to the emotional abuse he was inflicting upon me. I have spoken to him since leaving and of course he wants meto come back. I feel as if it's possible because we have a son but, my logic is telling me to smarten up. Is it possible to work on getting back togerther with him? Or should I take this as an oppourtunity to live my life and pursue my dreams since I'm free to do so? Please be as honest as possible with me. I'd rather hear it straight than keep losing sleep over this situation. Thank you

[JudyKayTee]

:confused:
hi i'm a soon to be 27 year old from pa. i've been with my hubby for 9 years and married for 2. as of december 1st, i left him due to the emotional abuse he was inflicting upon me. i have spoken to him since leaving and of course he wants meto come back. i feel as if it's possible because we have a son but, my logic is telling me to smarten up. Is it possible to work on getting back togerther with him? Or should I take this as an oppourtunity to live my life and pursue my dreams since I'm free to do so? Please be as honest as possible with me. I'd rather hear it straight than keep losing sleep over this situation. Thank you

I have one very simple rule of thumb - are you better with him or without him, now and in the future?

I would go to counselling if you think it will help but I wouldn't reconcile until I saw very clear changes in him. If he emotionally abuses you, is he going to move on to emotionally abusing your son?

[Ber Rabbit]

Anything is possible I suppose. I dated an emotionally abusive person for a couple of years and it took me a LONG time to get myself confidence back. If he truly wants you back then tell him to get counseling for his abusive ways. He might truly be willing to change the way he treats you but he's going to need help, those abusive habits are hard to break. I would give him a chance after he has been in counseling for a while (personally I would expect him to work at it for a year to prove he's serious).

During this time you can go for separate counseling to help you overcome the effects of being abused and make yourself stronger so you don't fall into that trap again if you do get together.

Like Judy said, you have to decide if he's good for you in the future. Someone who insists on tearing you down isn't good for you. A lot of counseling may help change that but if he's not willing to do it then he doesn't see a problem with the way he's treating you. That attitude will probably not make you or your son happy in the future.

Good luck!
Ber

[someone27]

I have one very simple rule of thumb - are you better with him or without him, now and in the future?

I would go to counselling if you think it will help but I wouldn't reconcile until I saw very clear changes in him. If he emotionally abuses you, is he going to move on to emotionally abusing your son?

Thank you Judy. Coming from someone with experience I do believe that I need to be on my own for a long while. Thanks again.

[Ber Rabbit]

I wish you well! The right decisions are often the hardest ones to make. You know in your heart what has to be done and we will be around for support.
Ber

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you Judy. Coming from someone with experience I do believe that I need to be on my own for a long while. Thanks again.

I hope that you stick around to share, for support, to give support - and I personally never lose hope that people can/will change.

I wish you luck -

[ja77]

emotional abuse

This is something that he is going to need counseling for even if not for your relationship. But for his own good.

i feel as if it's possible because we have a son

I understand that it is hard and you do not want to feel like you are breaking the family up, but you really are not. I would look at it that your son is in a more stable environment away from the home life issues and problems that must have been going on.

My view has always been that you can not get back together or stay together just because you have children, I have a number of friends that have tried this and 9 x out of 10 it never works.

Just because you split does not mean your Ex can not be a part of your child life there are many options open with family law service to sort this out with all of you.

I do believe that I need to be on my own for a long while

You need time to heal and take each day as it comes and move forwards in your own time.

I wish you all the best. JA

[asking]

I would definitely not go back. I have done a lot of reading on this subject and my understanding is that abusers do not tend to stop, they just adopt different ways of controlling their partners. Your son is just another way for him to control you. It is extremely rare for abusers to stop. They may stop hitting or insulting or shouting, but adopt subtler emotional tactics because they believe they are entitled to control a relationship. The best thing for your son is to raise him on your own.

Been there.

[Jake2008]

I wouldn't give up on a marriage after such a short time. Especially when there is a child involved.

We all tend to be experts in judging other people's situations, but even with experience, who is to say that that will be the same result with someone else.

To have invested a life with someone, and had a child with them, is reason enough to seek out solutions, with disolving the marriage being the last one.

Does he have the ability to change in your opinion. Is he willing to accept counselling. He may not be aware of the reasons that cause his behaviour to affect others so profoundly. What have you tried over the years, surely you haven't just realized this now? I don't mean this in a hurtful way, but as his behaviour began to affect you more and more to the point of breaking up, had you tried to get through to him? What worked, what didn't.

Until all avenues are exhausted, I would keep trying. Being at a safe distance gives you control over your environment, your safety, and your son's well being, and that is a good position to be in when dealing with this.

Are you better off with him or without him is a conclusion made after the work is done.

[twinkiedooter]

You broke free of being the abused victim. When women are abused either physically or emotionally they are actually an enabler enabling the abuser and basically the enabling is an addiction in itself. You broke free of your addiction (to him and his abuse) - now go and live your life without him. You will feel much better without him. Your child will be better off as well not having such a negative role model to be around while growing up.

[JudyKayTee]

You broke free of being the abused victim. When women are abused either physically or emotionally they are actually an enabler enabling the abuser and basically the enabling is an addiction in itself. You broke free of your addiction (to him and his abuse) - now go and live your life without him. You will feel much better without him. Your child will be better off as well not having such a negative role model to be around while growing up.

And I think this is just like cheaters - some people are serial cheaters. Others make "a mistake," learn from it, it never happens again. A single incident of emotional abuse is one thing; a pattern is another.

And, as "Twinkie" said, there is a child involved. It's not healthy for the child to see his mother abused or is there any guarantee he won't be the next in line for the abuse.

Only the OP knows her situation and the odds.

[Jake2008]

To break free of an abusive relationship, and the enabling behaviour, in all due respect, is not the only answer.

If the enabler does not figure out what behaviours led her into the relationship in the first place, she is doomed to repeat it. How many go from the frying pan to the fire, and keep repeating behaviours that end them up in the same place.

And, if such a big part of this problem has been addressed, meaning her separation from the abusive spouse, what of his place in all of this.

If she can change, why can't he.

If the two of them work out their toxic relationship, what is to say that the relationship cannot be successful for them both, and their son.

Maybe it is too late. Maybe there has been numerous attempts at counselling and/or therapy to deal with all the issues that keep them apart. Maybe there will never be any healing or mending, and the separation is the only answer.

But, what if another try is worth a go, and they do find success. Are we throwing the baby out with the bathwater here?

[ja77]

To break free of an abusive relationship, and the enabling behaviour, in all due respect, is not the only answer.

If the enabler does not figure out what behaviours led her into the relationship in the first place, she is doomed to repeat it. How many go from the frying pan to the fire, and keep repeating behaviours that end them up in the same place.

And, if such a big part of this problem has been addressed, meaning her separation from the abusive spouse, what of his place in all of this.

If she can change, why can't he.

If the two of them work out their toxic relationship, what is to say that the relationship cannot be successful for them both, and their son.

Maybe it is too late. Maybe there has been numerous attempts at counselling and/or therapy to deal with all the issues that keep them apart. Maybe there will never be any healing or mending, and the separation is the only answer.

But, what if another try is worth a go, and they do find success. Are we throwing the baby out with the bathwater here?

Jake2008 I do agree that it is always sad when a relationship breaks down but would you answer this question the same way if it was the child that the abuse was being aimed at ?

My view has always been that - no one person on this earth has the right to abuse another person -

[Jake2008]

I didn't get the impression that the abuse was directed at the child, but only between the two parents. (at least at this stage of the game, not predicting the future)

Had the abuse been directed toward the child, or included the child, my answer would have been different.

I don't blame anybody here. Sometimes, the abuse is not something anybody realizes until further on in a relationship, or after the marriage, etc. People change, and become emotional abusers, some couples are like negative sparks, some bring out the best, some bring out the worst in each other. Surely in the beginning, it was not like this.

Of course, the welfare of the child has to come first, absolutely without question his needs have to be addressed first. That is the responsible thing to do. And the mom in this case is doing that.

What I wish for her is confidence that she has, and her husband have, both exhausted all possible avenues to repair the damage done, and prevent the behavious that caused the split in the first place, from occurring again.

People can change is all I'm saying.

[JudyKayTee]

People can change is all I'm saying.

And I know we're all in agreement with the hope that he will change.

[someone27]

I just wanted to return and give everyone who helped me so greatly with their answers; a conclusion to my situation. After seeking counsel for myself and my son I've dcided to head down the road of divorce. Sadly, he didn't meet any of my expectations that I asked for in order for us to repair our broken relationship. Instead, he continued to lie and has also become less supportive with our son since then. (obviously financial but he doesn't call as much either)
I have a new man in my life, who I have yet to introduce to my son. He is very supportive, understanding, and as I tell him everyday... he's the greatest.. lol.
So, to everyone for your comments, thank you from the deepest part of me. I wasn't doing to well at the beginning of this year, but it's shaping up to be one of the best in my life. Sincerely, Thank You All.

[JudyKayTee]

It's always great to hear back from someone, to find out how things are going.

I am very happy to hear you've decided how to proceed. It's good that you've met someone and that you are proceeding cautiously. Sometimes people jump into a new relationship before they old is settled and that causes problems.

Good luck to you and thanks for coming back!

[asking]

i just wanted to return and give everyone who helped me so greatly with their answers; a conclusion to my situation. After seeking counsel for myself and my son I've dcided to head down the road of divorce. Sadly, he didn't meet any of my expectations that i asked for in order for us to repair our broken relationship. Instead, he continued to lie and has also become less supportive with our son since then. (obviously financial but he doesn't call as much either)
I have a new man in my life, who i have yet to introduce to my son. He is very supportive, understanding, and as i tell him everyday...he's the greatest..lol.
So, to everyone for your comments, thank you from the deepest part of me. I wasn't doing to well at the beginning of this year, but it's shaping up to be one of the best in my life. Sincerely, Thank You All.

Congratulations, Someone27! I do hope this new relationship works out. But I agree with others to take it slowly. People who turn out to be emotionally abusive always conceal their controlling approach to relationships early on, so I don't think it's easy to tell at first if someone has those tendencies, one reason I hate it when people say "Why didn't you know? Why did you fall in love with him?"

I don't even think abusers (people with a pattern of relationship control based on a feeling of entitlement) necessarily know they are concealing anything. Early on, they don't feel entitled to control your behavior or tear you down, but later they do. So they may not be consciously deceiving. Even abusers fall in love just like anyone else and want things to work out. My point is that abusers don't seem like monsters when you first meet them. They can be intelligent, warm, charming and funny.

I'm not advocating cynicism about all relationships. But I think you owe it to yourself and your son to be alert to changes in the atmosphere of your current relationship. That said, I have encountered lots of women who have remarried very happily after an abusive relationship.

One last thing, your son's father may seem out of the picture now, but there is a good chance he will cause problems for you in the future, so be prepared to deal with him for at least another 16 years, until your son is grown. The dad has legal rights, which he is likely to invoke when inspired by a conversation with someone else, a fit of anger over something you've done, or some soul searching. In short, he'll be back, probably. As your son grows older, his father will likely become more interested in him.

Again, I'm speaking from experience. I didn't leave until my two kids were 7 and 12. I wish I'd left much earlier as you have.

[someone27]

One last thing, your son's father may seem out of the picture now, but there is a good chance he will cause problems for you in the future, so be prepared to deal with him for at least another 16 years, until your son is grown. The dad has legal rights, which he is likely to invoke when inspired by a conversation with someone else, a fit of anger over something you've done, or some soul searching. In short, he'll be back, probably. As your son grows older, his father will likely become more interested in him.

Again, I'm speaking from experience. I didn't leave until my two kids were 7 and 12. I wish I'd left much earlier as you have.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the well-wishes! I greatly appreciate everyone answers and time you took to listen as well. Today is the 1st time my new partner and son will be spending an extended period w/ ea other. We're going fishing together! Something my son has never experienced... due to his father's abuse upon me and pain meds. He rarely was awake for a whole day let alone a family trip. I hope this will also help me in exposing my son to some sort of male figure. The only man in his life now is my 22 year old brother who does a hell of a lot with him already. Again ty and when that time comes where I must fight again for myself and my son's well-being, I'M READY! He can bring it on... there's no way I'll let him have an opportunity to transfer any negativity to my 7 yo baby... again ty and I hope your summer is going well too! :D

[loveworthfighting]

I'm a former abuser myself. I wasn't a controlling person, I let my wife do what she wanted when she wanted to. Spend her money how she wanted to, etc etc. I only became frustrated with her when she would come home and not show me any sort of affection right away. In the beginning of the relationship I would punch a wall or throw something. Then it came to just small smacks on her thigh and the occasional hold down and yelling in her face. This only happened 2 or 3 times in a year. WHen our son was born, I got all the affection I needed from him, and basically adjusted to my wife's routine of not showing me a lot of affection when I wanted it. The trigger for my anger changed to when my son was stupidly put in a position of getting hurt by her. Example, she would leave the oven door open to let it cool off. Than she would be doing something else in the kitchen, knowing our son is playing in the kitchen with that open oven door. My sons safety is what set me off, but even then me and my wife had been together for 6 years and I had a relative control over my anger, I only managed a shove on the bed and yelling that time. Then I asked her for a divorce, saying I don't want her and our son experiencing anymore of my anger. So I left, cold turkey. We cried, we talked, but I didn't want to give her false hope so I didn't mention that I wanted to change my mind. I Said I was set in stone about the divorce. I left and than was to come back the day later and watch our son while she went to work. During that day from her I looked at all the things I am giving up, all the things I'm forcing her to give up. I looked at all the laughs between the fights, all the good times with our son and decided that all that was worth fighting for. SO I changed my mind, and came back, gave her the good news, she was relieved that I changed my mind. You must ask why she was relieved, because she knew I've worked hard to get this much control of my anger and she knew that I would work to get rid of that anger. And I did. I moved out for a few months, took some counselling, and we've been happy ever since. That was 5 years ago. Our love prevailed over the hardship. Communicating is the key factor. ALways after I got too angry to control myself we would sit and talk about what caused me to be so angry, why I got so angry, I told her she shouldn't do certain things when I start to get angry. We talked. We know that we love each other. And while statistics say I am a near impossibility, I proved them wrong. Abusers can change, but it takes communication, openness, honesty. SOme will take longers, there may be some relapses. Only if the anger/violence is deadly would I advise not even seeking counselling. But than again, only you know your husband. You know him better than anyone. If he promises that he would be better, and you believe him. You should give him another chance. But help him keep his promise. He can't do it alone, he needs the love of a good woman. And you need the love of a good man. And if you believe he wants to change, you have that love, you both need to work to create the environment that will help that love stay a constant.

I live by this quote nowadays, and this quote helped me change my mind about divorcing my wife. "Don't do what you can't undo, unless you've thought about what you can't do after you've done it" Basically that quote made me think that I would never be able to embrace my wife again, never share the treasured moments we would have with our son together, never hear her talk about her day again. ALL these "Never gonna happen again's" Made me change my mind. I think a lot of people get caught up in the drama they forget the good times that has sustained the relationship so far. But don't take my advice, after reflection on your own situation you should make up your own mind. ONly you will live to regret or rejoice in your decision. Perhaps you will do both.