[Honeybear1970]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I work at home, and he is a 100-percent disabled veteran, who needs his knees replaced. So we are always together.
Sex has never been the main focus of our relationship, but of late, we NEVER have sex. I have gained 30 pounds in the past few months, and I feel horrible about myself. He says the weight has nothing to do with it. I've never felt like he doesn't love me, but my faith and trust took a nosedive when I found out he's been flirting with girls on the Internet. Then, despite me telling him, "Look, what's going on? Why won't you make love to me," he rejected me a few days later, saying he didn't feel like it. Then a day or so after that, he wakes up and tells me he's been "horny" and that he had a dream about me the night before that made him come in his sleep.
I feel so rejected, confused and sad. What's really going on?

[smoothy]

Both of you need to get into therapy... you each have issues that need addressed. 30 lbs in a few months means you are using food as a release or comfort for what's bothering you (or even possibly a medical condition)... and he has his own issues that are probibly the root of his decreased libido, I doubt they are at all related to your weight gain.

[SaraKammeraad]

I don't think that you need a therapist, but it could be something you might want to look into, on the in case that it is some type of depression. I have been in this situation before, but I was the one not wanting to be sexual. And yes I flirted. I don't think that him flirting has anything to do with him not wanting to be sexual. It could be that he's depressed due to your situation, whatever it might be. If I were you I would just try to do something spontaneous that would make both of you feel better. Go out to a movie or dinner. Something that's different than the everyday routine (but not brand new). It may not be a long term solution, but I think that it might do both of you some good to just appreciate each other especailly when things seem not so good.

[Kerry B]

I have gone through a similar situation. I have been with my chap for a few years and it started the same way with a healthy sex drive. My chap also is disabled and had to have a major op a few years into our relationship and since that time his sex drive has never really recovered.

I do not think that the problem is with you, but maybe he has some self confidence issues. This would explain the flirting. Even though my guys sex drive has really slowed down, he is a flirter. Not a cheat but definitely a flirt and this has caused some problems between us. However,we still have a fab relationship. Always hugging and kissing and talking. He has recently confided in me that it is his self confidence that has slowed his sex drive. He feels badly about himself and cannot understand why I find him attractive. It doesn't matter how much I tell him he is, he does not feel good about himself and the flirting (although he doesn't do it anymore) was a way of letting me know 'look other girls find me attractive'.

Without knowing what the rest of your relationship is like, it is difficult to know exactly what's going on but many of the things you describe as similar to my relationship. Him going off sex but still talking about it, flirting and him being disabled.

Hope this helps, maybe try talking to him about it - although this issue can be particularly difficult with men. I wish you all the best.

[TexasParent]

I think your partners flirting on the internet is more of a cry to feel normal. The internet filters peoples reactions to his disability; he can be anything he wants on the internet, attractive, healthy, etc.

Your partner likely has some selfworth issues steming from the change in his physicality, not to mention any other trauma he may have endured by being a veteran.

Furthermore the internet is an escape, a coping mechanism. These virtual friends make him feel good about himself, and if that is the drug of choice for the moment you can be thankful that it isn't a real drug or alcohol.

I wouldn't take his actions personally any more than he should take your weight gain personally in which food has become your coping mechanism.

I think both of you need therapy to understand the changes in your life and how to cope with them in healthier ways.

[Honeybear1970]

Both of you need to get into therapy....you each have issues that need addressed. 30 lbs in a few months means you are using food as a release or comfort for whats bothering you (or even possibly a medical condition)...and he has his own issues that are probibly the root of his decreased libido, I doubt they are at all related to your weight gain.

My twin sister was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in September. Emotionally, chocolate seems to make me feel better. I never have relied on food emotionally, but the news of my sister, whom I love dearly, has caused me great fear and anxiety.

[Starbucks21]

I am terribly sorry about your sister.

His decreased libido probably has more to do with his disability than you. He probably doesn't feel good about himself and he probably lost his confidence in his ability to perform.

[smoothy]

My twin sister was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in September. Emotionally, chocolate seems to make me feel better. I never have relied on food emotionally, but the news of my sister, whom I love dearly, has caused me great fear and anxiety.

Sorry to hear about that... Having lost family to cancer I know the devistation.

Food, even chocolate is not the way to deal with such stress.

[TexasParent]

My twin sister was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in September. Emotionally, chocolate seems to make me feel better. I never have relied on food emotionally, but the news of my sister, whom I love dearly, has caused me great fear and anxiety.

You know that chocolate has a chemical that releases the same endorphines that occur with sex in women. You are replacing sex with chocolate.

As for your husband, please read my earlier post. See if the VA has a mental health program he can get into.

[Choux]

One year?

What were the stated and assumed reasons on both your parts for moving in and having a marriage-like relationship? Did you both know you would be spending time 24/7? That's a real difficult thing to make work in my opinion.