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supaflyguy1399 · Jan 7, 2009, 02:08 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We have a beautiful baby boy and for the most part she says she's the happiest she's ever been. When I first met her she was a complete alcoholic and a very sexually promiscuous person. Now, everything is perfect. Everything but our sex life. We haven't had sex in over 3 months. And like I mentioned before, she used to be a very sexually promiscuous person. She says it's her labido and not me but I still feel like it's me. I hope I'm making sense. I guess what I'm trying to ask is is it wrong for me to feel inadequate because of the circumstance or there acutually something wrong with her? I'm just really lost.

Starbucks21 · Jan 7, 2009, 05:44 PM

Nothing's wrong with either of you. It is slightly normal to lose a little labido for some women after giving birth and I can understand why you'd feel a little rejected and inadequate.

Pretty much she just passed a watermelon through there and that hurts

embugill · Jan 7, 2009, 05:56 PM

Its definitely not normal for a 23 year old woman to lose her libido but some women can lose their libido for a few years after giving birth but I do think after 3 years she should go and talk to a professional because if something isn't done about it eventually it will mean the end of your relationship

tolerance · Jan 7, 2009, 06:17 PM

If she just had a baby then that could play a factor and is cutting into your sex life. I remember after having my first child sex was the furthest from my mind. Maybe you could try to do things that could help her get into the mood. Do something romantic.

supaflyguy1399 · Jan 7, 2009, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by tolerance

If she just had a baby then that could play a factor and is cutting into your sex life. I remeber after having my first child sex was the furthest from my mind. Maybe you could try to do things that could help her get into the mood. Do something romantic.

I apologize because I should have informed you all that our baby boy is 15 months old now. I really appreciate the input I'm getting. I know that I'm not alone on this and I am a hopeless romantic at heart anyway. I bought her diamond ear rings and a princess tiara for Christmas because she is my princess. That's romantic right?

Starbucks21 · Jan 7, 2009, 08:52 PM

Yea you're romantic

She may be extremely tired though

A 15 month old baby is a lot of work

If you give her a day off or 2 or something

You may be surprised

liz28 · Jan 7, 2009, 09:28 PM

I think that what you did for your girlfriend on Christmas day was very thoughtful and sweet.

However, when I think of my fiancé being romantic I think of things like he putting thinking of you notes in my coat pocket or purse and I happen to reach in my pocket and find a note from him telling me how much he love and care for me. Him sending me flowers, sometimes at work, for no reason. Or my favorite, me coming home to a candle lit dinner with a nice warm bubble bath and him washing me with candles surrounding the tub. Or him calling me out the blue to tell me to get dress with someone that he brought me to wear because he made plans to go out for dinner and sometimes dancing. Or him making me breakfast in bed with all my favorite dishes. Sometimes we even role play and play some of these sexual board games even a simple back or foot massage, not to mention a full body massage, helps get me in the mood.

I love it when my fiancé does those things for me and sometimes I don't be in the mood but he helps me get there. The only thing I don't like are rose pedals because they'r too messy and the sex games are fun and can be brought from any sex shop.

Synnen · Jan 7, 2009, 09:35 PM

It's next to impossible for a woman to slip from "mommy" to "housekeeper" to "career girl" to "sex siren" in a heartbeat.

It sometimes takes HOURS to get into the roles that don't demand immediate attention--like "mommy".

When's the last time you arranged EVERYTHING and took her out for an evening? I mean, she comes home to a clean house, with a babysitter lined up, a bath drawn, whatever. The house is clean and someone ELSE is taking care of the baby is the big thing. Then romance her! Take her on a date! Make her feel like she's fun and flirty and fascinating.

Don't talk about the kid. Don't talk about family. Don't talk about work. Talk about each other, talk about hopes and dreams, talk about goals--but don't bring up things like money or bills or car repairs or whatever. Keep the mood fun and flirty.

Do this every couple of weeks, or every month if that's all you can afford.

I bet making her feel like a WOMAN again, instead of a wife/housekeeper/mommy/cook/laundress will make her in the mood faster than anything else you can do.

smoothy · Jan 8, 2009, 06:40 AM

Its not normal for 23 year olds to lose their abido...

I've seen and dated many in my life.

Now with that part said the reason falls into the "other" category and is not age related.

Her issue as was mentioned is "Mommy". Some women deal with this better than others in this area.

supaflyguy1399 · Jan 8, 2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

It's next to impossible for a woman to slip from "mommy" to "housekeeper" to "career girl" to "sex siren" in a heartbeat.

It sometimes takes HOURS to get into the roles that don't demand immediate attention--like "mommy".

When's the last time you arranged EVERYTHING and took her out for an evening? I mean, she comes home to a clean house, with a babysitter lined up, a bath drawn, whatever. The house is clean and someone ELSE is taking care of the baby is the big thing. Then romance her! Take her on a date! Make her feel like she's fun and flirty and fascinating.

Don't talk about the kid. Don't talk about family. Don't talk about work. Talk about each other, talk about hopes and dreams, talk about goals--but don't bring up things like money or bills or car repairs or whatever. keep the mood fun and flirty.

Do this every couple of weeks, or every month if that's all you can afford.

I bet making her feel like a WOMAN again, instead of a wife/housekeeper/mommy/cook/laundress will make her in the mood faster than anything else you can do.

She works from home now. I work 4 days a week and when I'm not at work, I'm the person who cooks, takes care of the baby, clean and still manage to give a back rub. When she feels stressed out, she just goes off and takes a few days vacation to visit her friends in California, we're in Oregon by the way, and I'm the one stuck with the same stuff left alone feeling no gratitude at all. When she goes on these trips all I ask is for her to pick up the phone and she can't even do that. Specially when she's out with guys it's like I'm not even considered in the picture. I really do want this to work for the sake of my family and just for the fact that I LOVE HER SO MUCH! HELP ME!

smoothy · Jan 8, 2009, 02:02 PM

Post Partum Depression? You did mention "baby". Her problem is mental... she needs to see a therapist. Sure she isn't hitting the bottle again?

Starbucks21 · Jan 8, 2009, 02:15 PM

If she's withdrawing from you and your family and the baby it could be post partum. I recommend seeing a good doctor.

supaflyguy1399 · Jan 8, 2009, 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Post Partum Depression? You did mention "baby". Her problem is mental...she needs to see a therapist. Sure she isn't hitting the bottle again?

We both occasionally have a drink now and then. She's way better than she was before. Post Partum depression is a definite maybe. It still deters from answering why be sexually promiscuous before me with people that didn't matter and leave me, the person that should matter dry? It's pretty obvious that she enjoyed sex and we were at it a lot in the beginning of the relationship as well. They say that sex makes for a healthy relationship. She's right when she says the only reason why we argue stems from sex. Then why not try to solve that? I'm asking you all the same question because when I ask her and we argue I'm always the bad guy. Please keep your opinions coming. I won't have access to a psychiatrist for 2 weeks. Thanks!

Synnen · Jan 8, 2009, 08:19 PM

Because it's next to impossible to have a libido when you're depressed.

Sexual energy, and being in the mood, has to do with your own PERSONAL mood as well. If you pretty much think of yourself as scum, it's kind of hard to want to have the person you care about the most having sex with scum.

If she IS suffering from PPD, you need to read up on it. When I was first diagnosed with depression, my husband went through a whole bunch of really unhelpful attitudes, because he didn't understand it. He blamed himself. He thought he should have caught it, when *I* didn't realize I was depressed---my doctor caught it. He thought "depression" meant "sad", when it doesn't. He thought I was suicidal--I wasn't. I was actually more likely to want to run away from my whole life so that I stopped hurting the people that cared about me, because I didn't know what was WRONG with me. Minor things, like a button snapping on a pair of pants, would send me into a panic--OMG, I'm so fat, I can't do anything right, I don't even have a needle to sew this back on, what kind of wife am I, I hated those pants anyway, why is god out to get me today--you name it. I'd probably have 45 emotions in 4.5 seconds. YOU try being in the mood for sex when you don't even know what your mood is going to be from second to second.

And you pressuring for sex on top of that---it's like throwing a match on oil: it's going to explode, and it's going to destroy something, and usually whatever something is nearest to hand, which at the time would be the subject of sex, because that's what caused it to go off in the first place.

I don't know what to tell you, man. She needs to see a doctor. You need to read up on how womens' sex drives work, and on what depression DOES to a person--believe me, the best thing medication does to you when you're depressed is makes it so that you can THINK again, because your thoughts otherwise just continue to spiral down and down and down.

supaflyguy1399 · Jan 9, 2009, 01:05 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Because it's next to impossible to have a libido when you're depressed.

Sexual energy, and being in the mood, has to do with your own PERSONAL mood as well. If you pretty much think of yourself as scum, it's kind of hard to want to have the person you care about the most having sex with scum.

If she IS suffering from PPD, you need to read up on it. When I was first diagnosed with depression, my husband went through a whole bunch of really unhelpful attitudes, because he didn't understand it. He blamed himself. He thought he should have caught it, when *I* didn't realize I was depressed---my doctor caught it. He thought "depression" meant "sad", when it doesn't. He thought I was suicidal--I wasn't. I was actually more likely to want to run away from my whole life so that I stopped hurting the people that cared about me, because I didn't know what was WRONG with me. Minor things, like a button snapping on a pair of pants, would send me into a panic--OMG, I'm so fat, I can't do anything right, I don't even have a needle to sew this back on, what kind of wife am I, I hated those pants anyway, why is god out to get me today--you name it. I'd probably have 45 emotions in 4.5 seconds. YOU try being in the mood for sex when you don't even know what your mood is going to be from second to second.

And you pressuring for sex on top of that---it's like throwing a match on oil: it's going to explode, and it's going to destroy something, and usually whatever something is nearest to hand, which at the time would be the subject of sex, because that's what caused it to go off in the first place.

I don't know what to tell ya, man. She needs to see a doctor. You need to read up on how womens' sex drives work, and on what depression DOES to a person--believe me, the best thing medication does to you when you're depressed is makes it so that you can THINK again, because your thoughts otherwise just continue to spiral down and down and down.

Thank you so much for that input. Did you fight your husband or doctor when they mentioned PPD at all? I mean, was it an issue? I've never met such a strong, independent and free thinking woman as her before. And though I do blame myself, I try my off in thinking positive but as a man... better yet... a human being... no matter what I say or do or think or act, I am always wrong. I admit that there are many times when I actually am wrong. But is it fair for me to think that even when my intentions are good or when I bring up such a subject as emotions, PPD, depression, or comparing situations, that I always feel like the one who is doing something wrong. I sacrifice and sacrifice for her and my son every day of my life and though I feel like running away I never do because I see all the good and all the love that has come. Does that make me a chump? I moved from Guam to Portland to make sure that I'm with my family. My family now which consists of me, her, and our son? Who takes this kind of thing for granted? I thank you so much for your input and I hope to find a friend that I could actually talk to here.

smoothy · Jan 9, 2009, 06:22 AM

"Strong" people can suffer depression just as easy as "Weak" people. And any woman who has had childbirth can get this. Not everyone will, but some will. And they can have multiple children and suffer it with only one.

You can't self treat this, its best to have a professional diagnose and treat it. It can range from minor to severe. And it's a very real thing. I've known women what have suffered from that. Both post Partum depression and regular depression.

Synnen · Jan 9, 2009, 09:23 AM

Really--I'm not exaggerating at all--when you are suffering from ANY form of depression, it's hard to THINK, or to have any feelings that are rational.

IF she is suffering from PPD--and remember, this is a "chemicals in your body not firing correctly" thing, not a strength or intelligence or anything else thing--she may not realize what's going on with her emotions with you. She may not realize how much she's taking you for granted, because her mind is not THINKING on the right level.

If she truly loves you, and wants to make it work, then she needs to go to a doctor and/or counselor.

Probably wouldn't hurt for you to go with, either, so you know what's going on with her physically in medical terms. And so that you understand what HER emotions are about the whole thing.

supaflyguy1399 · Jan 9, 2009, 02:31 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Because it's next to impossible to have a libido when you're depressed.

Sexual energy, and being in the mood, has to do with your own PERSONAL mood as well. If you pretty much think of yourself as scum, it's kind of hard to want to have the person you care about the most having sex with scum.

If she IS suffering from PPD, you need to read up on it. When I was first diagnosed with depression, my husband went through a whole bunch of really unhelpful attitudes, because he didn't understand it. He blamed himself. He thought he should have caught it, when *I* didn't realize I was depressed---my doctor caught it. He thought "depression" meant "sad", when it doesn't. He thought I was suicidal--I wasn't. I was actually more likely to want to run away from my whole life so that I stopped hurting the people that cared about me, because I didn't know what was WRONG with me. Minor things, like a button snapping on a pair of pants, would send me into a panic--OMG, I'm so fat, I can't do anything right, I don't even have a needle to sew this back on, what kind of wife am I, I hated those pants anyway, why is god out to get me today--you name it. I'd probably have 45 emotions in 4.5 seconds. YOU try being in the mood for sex when you don't even know what your mood is going to be from second to second.

And you pressuring for sex on top of that---it's like throwing a match on oil: it's going to explode, and it's going to destroy something, and usually whatever something is nearest to hand, which at the time would be the subject of sex, because that's what caused it to go off in the first place.

I don't know what to tell ya, man. She needs to see a doctor. You need to read up on how womens' sex drives work, and on what depression DOES to a person--believe me, the best thing medication does to you when you're depressed is makes it so that you can THINK again, because your thoughts otherwise just continue to spiral down and down and down.

Very helpful advice. I do see your point in this. I will try to understand more and try to get her to see a doctor. I'm just saying that I think I've been really supportive, patient, and as understanding as I could. Thanks again.

Synnen · Jan 10, 2009, 09:58 AM

Originally Posted by supaflyguy1399

Very helpful advice. I do see your point in this. I will try to understand more and try to get her to see a doctor. I'm just saying that I think I've been really supportive, patient, and as understanding as I possibly could. Thanks again.

Even if you HAVE been really supportive, patient, and understanding---it doesn't do a damned bit of good until she starts TREATMENT for her depression.

Honestly--she can't get better just with your help. She NEEDS a doctor. Nothing you do or don't do will make a difference until she DOES see a doctor.

Choux · Jan 10, 2009, 09:25 PM

Supa,

One thing about promiscuous, drunk girls is that when they sober up, they find out that they are a different person in the daylight of reality compared to the drunken world. And, they probably don't like sex that much, after all.

There are other problems that will effect a woman's sex drive that also may apply to her predicament, of course.

I think that you two need to have a few sessions with a couple's counsellor to start with. I don't know if you will have to go any farther with professional help, but you sure have to get to the point where you can trust each other enough so you can identify problems and share your authentic selves.

I would see you two starting over with sex therapy... her getting to know her body sober, and her learning slowly how to be turned on by a caring lover. :)

Very best wishes, :)