[DesertRose92]

How do you separate feeling sorry for yourself and true feelings of hurt?

[fredg]

Hi, Rose,
Feeling sorry for oneself can go, but not always, hand-in-hand with true feelings of hurt.
Let's say you have been hurt by someone; someone you love has found someone else, for example. One can either accept it, and try moving on, although it's tough. But, if they continue thinking about how things could be, how things were, and they aren't going to get any better, then it turns into feeling sorry for oneself.
You can try testing yourself. When you make a decision about anything, step back and look at the decision. Is your decision going to make things better? Or, is it the same old-same old way of acting.
If it's the same way of acting, thinking, and making decisions, then it's probably feeling sorry for yourself.
For example, when I was divorced many years ago, I would go out to eat at a restaurant. Sitting there by myself, drinking a drink, and wondering why I am alone, was a BAD decision... going by myself.
If I had made a decision to go with someone else, a friend, even a male friend, then I would have made a better decision, not being by myself, feeling sorry for myself. When one feels sorry for themselves, they keep doing the same old things, making it worse. They have to change to something new, getting away from the same old feelings.
Does that make a lick of sense?
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[valinors_sorrow]

Its all about if you're hanging onto something and playing the blame game. Its like the difference between anger and a resentment. Anger is the initial feeling and perfectly okay. Hanging onto anger so it turns into resentment, grudge or bitterness --whoa, not okay. Or being hurt (feeling) initially but then letting it fester so it turns into an ongoing chip-on-the-shoulder/self-pity (attitude).

One is just a feeling and we all have those; they are a spontaneous part of ordinary life. The other is a defensive attitude a person often subconsciosuly decides to cultivate that affects their decisions, usually resulting in bad ones. These bad decisions can even help perpetuate the initial problem and yet the person continues to blame someone or something outside of themselves even though THEY have now become the source of the problem.

Becoming defensive like that can be a perfect way to construct a vicious circle and stay trapped in it. I know because I have done it. At one time for me it was almost automatic that if I got hurt, I would become defensive, blame others and never learn how to stop whatever hurt me from happening again. So over and over it happened, with me growing that chip on my shoulder -- not a pretty site!

The only way out is to stop the blame game in its tracks! Doesn't matter whether its yourself or someone else you are blaming. Begin to think in terms of what works and doesn't work instead.

That was a VERY good question that you asked - thanks for posting it. I hope that was helpful enough for you to maybe think, "hey, that kinda works!"

[31pumpkin]

DesertRose -

Your true feelings of hurt can happen at the same time as one is feeling sorry for oneself. But the feeling sorry for oneself is not meant to carry on after a "grieving period" for some hurt. At this point one realizes and remembers the "fact" of being hurt, and it should (in an ideal situation) be a memory and a thought only.
After which if the feeling sorry for oneself continues then one has to ask themselves, why would they choose to feel sad? Because sorrow has an emotional kick to it. But feeling sorry for yourself only isolates one and binds them to the past more.
To get to get towards positive in your life, try taking up a hobby. Doesn't have to be an elaborate one. Something that takes your mind off self-pity and gets you motivated and hopeful for the future. Like scuba diving or just reading a lot of books every Wednesday at Barnes & Noble.

[DesertRose92]

So feel the feeling but let it go then think positive and rise above it. Thanks for the input.

[valinors_sorrow]

So feel the feeling but let it go then think positive and rise above it. Thanks for the input.

Yesssssss! :)
Let the only thing you take with you be the lesson you learned (not a bitter one either, okay?) so that you are a positive and wiser Rose along with being a more experienced Rose too. :p

[YeloDasy]

Great words of clarification in these posts! I would add that feeling sorry for one's self can be playing the victim... and victim roles are always a negative cycle of no change, and contributes to the above mentioned blame, defensiveness, and bad decisions! Great question... we all need to be reminded from time to time! :)