[Brent937]

Ok here's my story, I know there are a lot like this but my situation is different, at least I think it is.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 15 months, but it all started to go sour from my behalf about 13 months into the relationship. I am 23 years old and my girlfriend is 20. I had one semester left at the school we both go to and I started to get scared and began distancing myself from her about 11-13 months into the relationship. I love this girl more than anyone on earth, I guess I started to push her away because I was scared of being with her forever, I was scared of never getting to be the person I was before (party animal/frat idiot), the person my friend grew up loving, and the person my best friends only new. So it all blew up homecoming weekend when all my old friends were back, I totally blew her off the entire weekend like a retard and was a jackass the entire time, pretty dumb knowing it was our 1 year anniversary. Anyway, because of that and the fact I was trying to blame my insecurities and actions on her friends, my girlfriend eventually broke up with me. But here is where the story gets interesting, the next night after she wouldn't answer my calls and cut me out of her life, I saw her at the place we met (a bar) and we started talking, we got emotional, left, went to her place, and have got back together instantly (she held off being intimate with me for like 2 weeks). Anyway, so we have been back together for exactly a month, and not counting the one day, have been dating for 15 months, but I still know in the back of her mind she resents how I treated her, but I never cheated on her or was a bad boyfriend. A lot of where our problems came from was also because I got a dog in the summer, and it caused me to not be able to sleepover at her place as much as I use to and I think it caused some jealousy within her, but she in the end loves the dog dearly!

So I forgot to mention that my girlfriend always planned on studying abroad, and her intent was to always study abroad first semester of this year when most kids at our school do so, including some of her really good friends. But because I was going to be here for one more semester, she opted to go to Europe second semester rather than first, a decision she made all on her own! The problem with that is her friend, who has gained weight since she has been in school and has been shunned by her high school sweet heart, also moved her plans of study abroad back as well. I know her best friend is against me, the day she broke up with me, she urged her to block my cell phone number, signed onto her e-mail account to delete my e-mails and messages on Facebook, and damn near did everything but throw a celebration party. Now, the day before my girlfriend goes to study abroad this semester, after we have made up and been together for a month, she tells me she is confused. This is after I visited her family for the holidays and hung out for two nights, and two days after she drove 4 hours to visit mine. Because my parents said they would buy me a plane ticket to Europe to visit her, she felt pressured and it all boiled at that she didn't want me to come. She told me she wants to have the experience all on her own to find herself. She wants to be alone, she said she is confused, she went from telling me she loves me, to she likes me a lot, to right before she left telling me she loves me again and will miss me. I am so confused, in my mind I know her best friend is against me and wants her to be single again so she can help her meet guys and be her "life partner" as she calls herself (weird I know).

A lot of these problems have come from me being so honest in this last month. I have been no emotional and so open with my feelings. I have told her I regret so much, I have bought her so many thoughtful gifts, and our passion was back like we just met. We had such a great time, but with me being 23 and her being 20 I think it scared her in some ways. I believe her when she has told me she has never cheated on me and she told me she is not looking at any other guys or even pursuing any guys while she is in Europe. I just don't understand why she wouldn't want to involved me in her life for this long period (4 months). She said she is going to send me postcards, e-mails, and contact me on Skype. Do I have any hope, what should I do. I love this girl to death, I pushed her away from me, and now I am getting it back. She said she was so confused because she was so sure she wanted to break up but I changed her mind so much with how I changed and treated her so well this past month. What should I do? I am lost, during this month I wrote her a poem and had it sent in the message in a bottle, it made her cry. I got her a pajama gram engraved with the funny nickname I use to call her when we first met, and bought her a great camera for Christmas for her trip since hers was broken. She said she wanted to give my gifts back because she felt so bad, but I refused.

All I did in our last phone conversation was have her promise she would have dinner with me right when she gets back and she gladly accepted. I chose to go to graduate school at a university 45 minutes away from her home so we are going to be close for the 4 months of summer. Do I have hope, is it just her being 20 and scared just as I was, we spent every last minute together for so long and she became disconnected from her friends and she is very close to her family, I guess that's all the info you need, please give me some advice! She turns 21 this summer and I turn 24, I just hope it is that she is young and will come back to me, I just really don't know... Did my being so open and honest about her being the only girl I ever want to be with backfire, should I accept her wanting to contact me? She still has me as her boyfriend on Facebook, but she told me she wants a break and is confused, please help! And what do I do if it is her not being able to stand on her own, and she is giving into pressure from her best friend, and as result is pushing me away to the extreme?

[expat2009]

Classic case of young girl who wants to live life, find herself, mature, etc. Your situation is very similar to mine. I know it's very tough knowing that your girl wants to do all of this on her own and not include you in her plans. But you have to understand she is a young girl and needs to spread her wings and experience life on her own. It also seems that in your relationship you guys became too much of a couple --as in mine. This means you spent so much time together that you neglected your own individual lives. I've learned in the past weeks that a relationship must be a bonus and compliment your life not be ALL of it. Your life CANNOT be based on a relationship and revolve around one entirely. You need separate lives too. It doesn't mean you can't be together, it just means you need to give each other enough space so you can both have a life away from each other. With friends, with family, with your own activities and even some alone time is good too.

My ex had always dreamed of going overseas and teaching somewhere for 3-6 months. But she was always afraid to and in my selfishness instead of encouraging her I acted weak and hurt thinking she wanted to get away from me. I even suggested going with her and got a cold reaction. She probably resents me now for it too. In fact, the one time I broke NC 5 days after we broke up she had already made up her mind and even had a ticket to go away. This time of course I encouraged it and now I understand why! She's not a part of me and I'm not a part of her!

Anyway, back to you. As I said, she needs this trip for herself, it's a chance for her to live a beautiful experience in which she will learn about herself, about life as a grownup, have good fun, and become more independent. This experience is invaluable and having you --or any other loved one in it-- takes away from it. It does NOT mean she wants to go over there and start hooking up with boys. Maybe she will meet some but it's up to her if she acts upon their advances or not. Again, it's all part of the experience, part of growing up from a teen to an adult. You need to give her space, and let her be free. I would keep contact to a minimum. If any. You can take this time for yourself as well. Regain your friends, take on activities you wanted to do or didn't because of your relationship. Develop yourself and think only about yourself. This is your time to become that guy you used to be --the frat idiot guy if you want even. When she comes back she will decide if she wants you back or not and there's nothing you can do to make her come back. But for the time being, let her be herself and let you be yourself again.

Read my story if you want -- you might see it from a different perspective if you can identify with it.

[chuff]

Long distance, she's in a new land, she doesn't want to have to worry about someone else. It sucks but it's time to move forward.

[talaniman]

Give her what she ask for, and then disappear from her life, heal and regroup, and rebuild your own life without her.

[HistorianChick]

Here's a woman's perspective on all of this...

but I never cheated on her or was a bad boyfriend

Yes, you were a bad boyfriend. You brushed her off on your anniversary to party with your boys. That is a bad boyfriend. An anniversary is not just another day to a girl - especially the First one. It is very special... and you chose to party instead of spend it with her. And not just the night, the entire weekend.

the day she broke up with me, she urged her to block my cell phone number, signed onto her e-mail account to delete my e-mails and messages on Facebook, and damn near did everything but throw a celebration party.

That's what best friends do - they look out for their girl friends' hearts. When a guy breaks it, they go into protector mode and are on her side, all the way.

She said she wanted to give my gifts back because she felt so bad, but I refused.

Gifts don't equate to love - and she knows that.

All I did in our last phone conversation was have her promise she would have dinner with me right when she gets back and she gladly accepted.

Then trust her.

She still has me as her boyfriend on Facebook, but she told me she wants a break and is confused, please help!

Then you give it to her. She needs to figure out if she can trust you.

[talaniman]

You don't sound like that great of a boyfriend, as you make to many excuses for some pretty selfish, and lame behavior. I mean how does blaming the dog for your problems sound to you? LAME! Sorry dude, leave her alone to make a decision without your influence.

[Brent937]

I guess so but you don't know me, because I was an amazing boyfriend. It was my first real relationship with a girl that lasted, and in my heart I knew she was the one and it scarred me. I was going through a lot of changes in my life, I was graduating, applying for graduate school, and deep down scarred about the future. I subconsciously pushed her away because I was scarred of what we were becoming, I spilled my guts, cried to her, and told her everything. I was never open before and it took me losing her to understand how badly I still love her and how horrible of a mistake I had made.

She had said to me that she thought it was impossible to change people, but I changed and made her a believer. In our last month I did everything I never would have, I acted in ways I never had, did things I never would, and tried to show her how much I care about her. I know gifts don't equate to love but they do show you care, especially when they are from the heart. And I understand her friends were protecting her but from what, she should be able to stand on her own, and make her own decisions in life, and her out the person she has been dating for 14 months (at least I believe so). In our last conversations she had told me she felt horrible for breaking my heart because I had been so good to her, showed her and conveyed to her I love her and don't want to love anyone else, and she said she felt like a "" for being confused and leaving me in limbo.

I really love this girl so much. I am contemplating sending her a little painting I made for her, is this a bad idea? She use to always make me art with my name, and I did the same for her, something I never did. Should I just keep it and wait until Valentines day, and leave it at that? Should I do anything... I sent her one last Facebook message wishing her well and told her a few things, but I am leaving it at that.

I really do love this girl with all my heart, I truly do. I don't want to lose her.

[ConfusedAgain]

You know how they say "Let it go, and if it comes back it yours".. It seems to be the case here. The letting go bit was never meant to be easy.

Honestly If you send her that painting I think it will reduce your chances.

[Brent937]

I sent here one last message from the heart:

(Dont need to know her name),

"I will stop contacting you after this message. I realized I had broke my promise, I kept typing messages today and deleting them, not knowing what to say. I now understand I just need to say nothing at all and give you space, and let you spread your wings and fly. I reconnected tonight with my old childhood best friend Joey who has become a bible thumper and I think he helped me find God, hopefully it will be good for my life. I have accepted what you want, I am going to give you space, but I am going to still hold you to dinner.

You need this trip for yourself, it's a chance for you to live a beautiful experience in which you will learn about yourself, about life as a grownup, have good fun, and become more independent.

My friend said, "Sometimes god brings us to these times in our lives so we can finally see clearly what's important." It really touched me, and lead me to read the bible all night, leading me to find this excerpt which made me believe (1 Corinthians 13):

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Sincerely,
Brent

PS: I am going to spend this time reconnecting with old friends, and try to find my own path. As I said, I will always come back to you if you want me (her name), and I will never stop loving you; have an amazing time."
---

She later messaged me, which I was not around to answer back with this note:

BRENTTTT... wow I'm here, in my house, with the family... it is soooooo weird I can't even explain... I got all of your messages... my comp is not working that sweet but I'm going to try and figure it out.. it keeps timing out while I'm in on da internet

When I get it figured out it will be tight because I'll download skype and... and through skype I can actually speak to you.. I really appreciated your messages... I can't even explain.

I hope your having a good day... im so exhausted from traveling... the airlines lost a lot of our bags... both of (her friends) and only one of mine.. when I get settled in tomorrow I'll write you an email or message and try to figure out skype

I miss you


To the last person, I sent the package, its what I felt was right and should do. She should know I care about her. I put it in along with her favorite pencils that I have gotten for her at the start of every semester we have been together. She always tells me she can never find them (dont tell her where I get them ;). It will be the only package I sent, but I felt the painting needed to be sent because it was so out of character of me to do something of that sort, however, it was exactly something she would have done for me. I put in her favorite candy, and magazine and that's it. You can say what you want, but she is still giving me the impression she is my girlfriend, but she doesn't want me to visit so she can mature and grow up on her own. Take it for what its worth. She contacted me before anyone else, and I think that means a lot.

[Brent937]

I honestly don't even know why I am telling the INTERNET these things, but I never open up to anyone about my personal situation, so doing so on here is really one of my only ways...

[kctiger]

Hi, my name is Chris... what's yours? Brent? Good to meet you!

Just in case you were wondering if my real name was INTERNET! :) There, now we are practically family.

[Brent937]

and fyi it was a really small painting, I'm talking 8 x 10 here

[chuff]

Brent stop. Just stop.

You are trying so hard that you are pushing her away. You don't give her gifts. You shouldn't have sent her letters. You are broke up, and now you begging. You don't want to admit it, but that's what it is. I've been there, doing this same thing, and they say things like "I miss you but let me figure it out" because that keeps you around... but at a distance. If you are so weak that you allow her to call all the shots, then she's going to take advantage of you. When something bad happens to her, you'll be the first one she calls and she'll drop all her emotional drama on you, and then leave again. You'll think she's coming back and opening up to you which is a sign that she trusts and likes you. In reality it's way for her to drop her emotional garbage on someone else. Women want strong men, men that are not available. You are the exact opposite, and behaving this way even further is not going to assist you in making yourself the strong man you need to be... not for her but for you, because now you are the most important person to worry about.

[expat2009]

Telling the internet? I see it this way. You are telling real live people all over the world with different points of view and many years of combined experience --some that have lived similar situations to yours-- that will help you without even knowing you. Where else but here can you find all these people in one same place? There are no biases here, and that's why this help is so valuable. Good quality objective advice. Take what you can use. Good luck!