[juve8]

I have been dating my girlfriend for little less then a year and it was going great. We met in an unusual series of events, and quickly connected and hit it off, having a blast with each other, really having a strong connection and were really good together. We traveled for a long period together and had no problem, got along great and had an amazing time. It really felt good, we have the same taste in things, have many things in common, and sometimes it feels like we share a brain because we always said the same things and finished each others sentences. Thing were going great up until around one month ago, when things started to feel weird, we started growing slightly apart and lost some of our joy. I think this was largely because she still might have some feelings towards her ex, which she really loved and only broke up with because he was pushing for marriage. We spoke about it for a bit and she admitted that she feels confused now, and does sometime think of him. This is preventing her from opening up to me and allowing herself to fall in love with me, and it’s like a shadow hanging over our relationship. We both know we have a lot of fun together, and have a good thing going, but I feel like I am ready to love her, but she is not because of her confusion regarding the ex. I am wiling to wait and give her time, but lately she sort of the this “un-caring” attitude and its very hard to deal with this, knowing that the person you are with is not sure about you and maybe thinking of her previous relationship.
I am willing to do a lot to make this work, I try very hard to keep this going, I do not push her to love me and I understand this takes time and she needs some time to deal with this, but sometimes it feels like the battle is lost and no matter what I do she will not love me and still be trapped with those feeling about her ex.

Any suggestions or comments will be appreciated,

Thanks

[plonak]

Ugh you're in a crappy situation.

I don't envy you hun, I'm sorry. But you seem to be very mature about this situation.

I think you need to give her her space. Back off a little and don't pressure her.. I know you're already doing this ,but continue.

Let her sort her feelings out, let her know that you're supporting her, and that you're backing off a little to give her time. Don't use the word "break" though. Just say you're giving her space.

Just be patient and know that if you're meant to be it will happen. Sorry for your prediciment. You're a mature person, I admire you. Keep it up

[juve8]

Hey, Thanks for the answer, It helped, I guess I do need to give her some space and time, but it is hard because I really like her and she is the one person that I feel good with and can actually talk to.

Also, sorry about my original post being so bulky, when I was writing I was very imotional and "into it" and didn't think of paragraph strucutre.

Any other comments will be helpful as well.

[kctiger]

The first poster is correct. You must leave her alone for now. Unfortunately, I don't see it working out in your favor, even if it does, that will not change her feelings for her ex. You can't just vanish those feelings away, as they are what they are.

Back off and let things work themselves out. Even if you guys do remain together, this is a serious red flag, as it has rebound written all over it. She probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now, as she clearly isn't over her previous relationship yet.

[Romefalls19]

Plonak and KC are right, she isn't over her first relationship yet. How long were they broken up before you guys got together? You are in a tough situation because you gave your all but in the end couldn't get hers. Life is hard like that, but right now you need to back away and know that you didn't do anything wrong. She rebounded and now is paying the price, sadly, you are two.

[juve8]

I think they broke up about 3 months beofre we met.

I don't know if things are going to a brake up now, but things definitely changed and we do not have the same good time we did before. Now things feel abit forced and not as flowing,

I will try to give her the space, its just hard because over this time she became a great friend as well, and living in a different country then most of my family and friends, its rare enough for me to have someone that I can share my life with and really talk to, and not having her around will be even harder.

[plonak]

You seem strong enough to overcome the loneliness

Take this opportunity to go out and try new things and start new hobbies, you'll meet new people in no time.

Good luck

[talaniman]

Things always go so great at first, and then cool in most relationships. That's normal. Yes back off, and keep your life balanced with things you were doing before, as you may be moving to fast and thinking too much, but I really think its you not her throwing confusion in this relationship because You're the one worried about the ex. Don't even talk about the guy, and just keep getting to know this female, and stop looking over your shoulder.

[juve8]

Threads merged

Hello,

I am with my girlfriend for a year and half now and everything was going great until about 3 weeks ago. We had a few arguments and fights, and that was weird because we have a great relationship and never really argue. Recently my best friend broke up with his girlfriend and I guess we started hanging out more lately and even though my g/f says its OK I know it affected us. She also got a new job recently, and all these changes in our lives started to take a toll and we now don't have the great times we used to have.

We talked about it few times and I felt like we are trying to work things out, then few days ago we got into a fight because I lied to her about something really stupid and simple (I don't even know why I did it, and I regretted it the second I said it and told her the truth and apologized) and now we didn't really talk the past few days until yesterday we spoke and she said we needed to talk and I agreed, and we stated that its going to be about whether we should break up. I realized that I don't want to and I am willing to work hard and make this work, but I am not sure on what to do and how to explain it to her.

Its very frustrating that things were great up until recent weeks and that 2 or 3 silly arguments evolved into something this serious and I am confused and don't know what to do.

Any help, advice or anything will be great.

Thanks

[animal_lover]

Have her read this. You just explained it perfectly to strangers now you can read it to her.
A good relationship has communication. And you said you guy talked about it but you should explain that you want it to work out and you are willing to work hard to make it that way.
Just be honest, she will understand :)

[talaniman]

I think the same way you overcame the glitch you had about her ex, will be the same adjustment, you will make again, about this latest glitch.

Most couples that last, overcome a lot of obstacles together, and deal with the hard times, and enjoy the good ones.

Yes it's a lot of work, that's the point, you make it, when you keep working together. Sometimes you just have to relax, and just get through something's.

Sometimes you have to not make a big deal out of things that will pass on their own.

You just make some adjustments as things come up.

[juve8]

Talaniman; Sometimes you have to not make a big deal out of things that will pass on their own.

I really hope your are right. Things have been unpleasent lately and we both knew it. They have to change and I just hope that they will for the best. I am afraid that because we already implied that the reason for our upcoming talk is the possibility of a break up, it will be hard to get around and now that the "cat is out of the bag" things will get weird.

She is a very strong and independent women and I love that about her, but that also means that if something is on her mind it will be hard to change it and for me to try and explain myself and fix our problems.

Recently we started seeing each other less and talking less, I fear that break up is the next step but like I mentioned before I do not want it to happen and am willing to work on it.

I just hope she is too.

[winding200]

Well,
She broke up with her ex 3 month prior to meet you, and she has been with you about a year, and it has been great. You said you guys had silly arguments. Why do you think she is hunted by ex not simply upset about the argument? It is natural she will think about ex when you make her unhappy or disappointed. I do not think she is upset about you because she misses her ex suddenly. Did you give her any reason she cannot trust you anymore?

[juve8]

The thread about the ex I posted 6 months ago. Today's thread was aobut something different and they were just merged. I think that this has nothing to do with her ex. Like I said recently we had some fights and arguments and drifted away from each other.

I know that I want to make it work, I'm just afraid that for her it's a lost cause and she does not want to work on things. I did make her angry few days ago by telling her a lie about something really dumb and right away regreted it and apologized to her after. She got mad at me and I think she had the right, but the way I see it its not a reason to break up. I made a mistake and am willing to work hard to show her it was a one time thing. I am hoping that she will be willing to listen to me and see my side, accept my apology and work on what we have.

[talaniman]

Your threads were merged, so others can have some background into the relationship. You may not think so, but past issues are part of a pattern, that paints a bigger picture, and a more accurate one. That's how you get some good feedback, and accurate responses.

Relationship seldom break down over one issue, but do after many issues get in the way, and are never resolved. Some things you think are resolved, but are not, as it takes a lot longer than overnight, and a couple of talks, to solve things.

Sometimes things are just to overwhelming to solve, and then we have... the break up!

[juve8]

I understand why you merged them I have no problem I just though that the person above misunderstood my question. I see how everything is related and I think your right, its great for everyone to have some background.

As for the issue, I agree that one thing should not cuase a break up and that's what I am hoping for. I wish we can get everything out and figure out why things have been bad and fix them.

I am hoping for the best because I truly don't want to lose this girl and I am willing to do what ever I need to do to make this work.

Going to see her in few hours, wish me luck.

Thanks for all the feedback.

[amicon]

I hope it went well. :-)