[a la king]

Yeah, it's over. Sorry bud. It's rough... get a helmet.

Most of the things said in this thread will go in one ear and out the other (because you think your situation is different) until you see everyone's assessments were right at which point you'll pick up what's left of your dignity and do what's right for you. How long will it take you to see it is entirely up to you.


And DON'T TALK TO HER AGAIN. Your head and her head are in two entirely different spots. Your just trying to rekindle and she's trying to run away.

[compsavvyimnot]

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truly needed a break. I wanted to be OK with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like a lot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful... she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

[a la king]

I got back together with my ex after a year and a half apart.. we lasted another 6 years too.. then it ended when the same crap from the first breakup resurfaced.

You might be in the minority..

But the point of this is to not make him hangon and wait- he needs to live life... if she comes back.. fine... but odds that she will are slim and odds that it will work out a second time are even slimmer.

[Gearhe4d]

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

This is exactly what I mean. How long was your break?

[itried]

yeah, it's over. sorry bud. It's rough.... get a helmet.

most of the things said in this thread will go in one ear and out the other (because you think your situation is different) until you see everyone's assessments were right at which point you'll pick up whats left of your dignity and do whats right for you. How long will it take you to see it is entirely up to you.


And DON'T TALK TO HER AGAIN. Your head and her head are in two entirely different spots. Your just trying to rekindle and shes trying to run away.

Listen to THIS person!

[a la king]

The problem with compsavvyimnot's post is it gives false hope and doesn't go into any of the details of the time broken up.

The point of No Contact is that you are busy working on yourself and becoming stronger as an individual (which is a very attractive attribute to the opposite sex). They may come back in this time or they may not. But in the END the result is that either way you become a stronger person with a (hopefully) more educated outlook on relationships... and who knows... if she does come back around YOU may find out that you don't want to go back. But why wait and hang around like a schmuck, sniveling and whining? Real attractive!

Who's got the Swingers quote? The "rub" one? I KNOW someone has to have it here.

[compsavvyimnot]

My break was for a year.
But I agree, you need to move on with your life. Don't put anything on hold for her. If she really is out there to better herself, if she does choose to come back, you need to have grown too.
When we broke off for that year, I didn't expect for him to not see other girls or me other guys. For me, not seeing other guys was my choice. I couldn't expect the same from him, especially when I couldn't give him a time frame of when I would be back. Do Not put your life on hold, live and grow.And no there is nothing you can do to stop her from taking a break. Any attempt will only push her away and deminish your chances of her coming back.
May I suggest that you just keep it cool. Let her know that you care for her, that you don't agree about the break but can respect her choice, and hope that everything will work out as it should.
Do not say anything like "I'll wait for you", please that translates to "I'm your doormat". Don't mention about getting back to gether either.
If it happens, it happens. If not then better sooner she's out then later.

[expat2009]

WOW. You guys are harsh.
As a "chick" I must say that I myself have called for a break after a 4 year relationship, a year into my engagement.
I'm not a dog, I've had many, many offers from guys to be with me and I refused them all, because my heart was with this man. I truely needed a break. I wanted to be ok with me, make sure I wasn't depended on a man. Make sure that I am strong and independent.
After a year, I got back with him and stayed with him for 6 more years after this ordeal. And now have 4 beautiful babies with him.
Yes, as a man he had many questions, such as 'who was I with'.
And I still love him after all these year !!

But then again, I like to pride myself with the fact that I am not like alot of the women out there, and sometime have an extremely hard time understanding the thought process of most of them.
These guys might be right, but I just wanted to let you know that it may not be all that hopeless.
If she really is all that wonderful...she might be as wonderful as me and be true to her word.:cool:

You think I don't want my ex to call me tonight and beg me to get back with her?? Of course, but if she did, will things change? The pain is still there and the wounds haven't healed yet. Thinking about this scenario just keeps me from moving on and focusing on myself. It's not healthy. If she wants to come back one day, then I will decide what to do at the given time.

I agree that some "breaks" do work out. But lets face it, until you actually get back together it's still a "break up". Regardless if this chick wants to get back together with him or not, he still needs to move on with his life without her. Or should he wait for her for a year or more? What if she never comes back? He will be stuck, unable to move on for that long? Is this fair for him? The fact is the girl does not feel the same way as he does at the moment so best he moves on and works on what led to the breakup --on his end-- as well as rediscovering and bettering himself. Dreams of her coming back will not let him gain his confidence back. He needs proper time for himself and to heal.

In the end, if it's meant to be it's meant to be --as in your case-- but there's no way of knowing the future. And there is NO way to get her back. You decided for yourself didn't you. Did he influence in any way? Did he convince you directly to get back together? Or did he take you back only when you looked for him?

The last thing this guy needs is false hope. Yes, happy endings are lovely to hear. But it's not the same for everyone. He needs to move on, when and if she decides to go back to him, it will be his decision. His happy ending could very well be with someone else out there.

[expat2009]

The problem with compsavvyimnot's post is it gives false hope and doesn't go into any of the details of the time broken up.

The point of No Contact is that you are busy working on yourself and becoming stronger as an individual (which is a very attractive attribute to the opposite sex). They may come back in this time or they may not. But in the END the result is that either way you become a stronger person with a (hopefully) more educated outlook on relationships... and who knows... if she does come back around YOU may find out that you don't want to go back. But why wait and hang around like a schmuck, sniveling and whining? Real attractive!

Who's got the Swingers quote? the "rub" one? I KNOW someone has to have it here.

Is this what you were looking for??

First scene from the "Swingers" movie starring Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn.

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.


I highly recommend this movie for any guy who has been dumped, asked for a "break" or similar. Saw it two weeks after my breakup and seldom have I identified more with a movie character.

[Gearhe4d]

She did do this once before, when we were about at 8 or so months in our relationship, it was right before I had to go to work that evening, and she told me (at her house) that she needed a break just like she is now, and she said she needed more time for school and work and such, and I was crushed. However, she said that I could still come by that evening after work if I wanted to hang out with her brother or something (who happens to be one of my best friends) and so, after work, I drove back to her house, but I sat in front of their house for about 2 minutes, just trying to think and figure out how I should act once I went in.

That's when it happened.

I noticed the front door open and she ran out to my car and opened my door and threw her arms around me and apologized for what she had said, and told me that she loved me and was just thinking too much, and that she wanted to forget the whole thing, and then we were right back to being how were always were, in love, and happy, and laughing, and being together again. I just keep hoping this sort of thing will happen again. I almost feel like her friends might be poisoning her thoughts and she is getting confused about what she wants. I know that deep down she loves me.

[compsavvyimnot]

STOP!
Whay are you doing this to yourself? Stop letting her play with you like this.

[Gearhe4d]

STOP !!
Whay are you doing this to yourself?? Stop letting her play with you like this.

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

[a la king]

She did do this once before, when we were about at 8 or so months in our relationship, it was right before I had to go to work that evening, and she told me (at her house) that she needed a break just like she is now, and she said she needed more time for school and work and such, and I was crushed. However, she said that I could still come by that evening after work if I wanted to hang out with her brother or something (who happens to be one of my best friends) and so, after work, I drove back to her house, but I sat in front of their house for about 2 minutes, just trying to think and figure out how I should act once I went in.
.....

Well there you have it. Man, you are a sucker for punishment. And most likely all for the wrong person.

3rd time's a charm? 4th times a charm? 5th... 6th?

[expat2009]

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

Look mate, all this advice is not about helping ourselves, it's about helping you. In the end, it's your life and your decisions. If you want to be hurt more and more then it's entirely up to you. As we said, this situation is not exclusive to you -although it might feel like it is. Read my story I wrote two weeks after our "break" and you will see that even though we are different people in different relationships with different girls, we are in the same boat.

[itried]

My ex did exactly what your girlfriend is doing to you right now. When she left, I was surprised by how little I actually cared that she had left. For about a month we did not see each other at all and I was fine. Then she started to call me and ask me out on dates etc. I decided that maybe we could work this out so I started seeing her again. Over the next month we were doing fine but one day she snapped and decided she wanted to go on a break again. This was when I lost it and started thinking the same thoughts that you are having right now. This is all just impulsive and irrational on her part. Trying to rationalize something that is not rational will drive you insane man! You need to understand how selfish she is right now, and this is hard for you because you have been selfless till now.

Believe me, once this seed is planted in their mind, nothing you do or say can dig it out. She is of a different mind than you now and it's better if you come to terms with it before you get hurt even more.

[compsavvyimnot]

I get it now. She's not a mature, sane individual. She's like most of the girl I see out there. Confused with no remorse about confusing or hurting others, in paricular, you.
You're letting her hurt you over and over. Why?:confused: Maybe she's training you for her doormat position. Don't let this happen, don't let her slowly diminish the respect that you deserve. Cut her out of your life now. Get away from her and stay away. Stop talking to her and stop indulging her by meeting with her. If you want to keep her as a friend, just tell her that it may be a possibility later but not now. The only good time to consider her as a friend is when you've healed and found the one that will love you.

[compsavvyimnot]

Because I'm in love with her, and even if it's going to hurt along the way, I really believe that we can make it, and that she is worth it, and she will realize what we have together.

Why do you have to wait or make her realize anything? You can't convince others to love you, you shouldn't have to.
Listen, you're hurting and so it's impaired your brain function. She knows well what you had. Are you going to wait for her to get with another guy or guys and compare them to you? Will you still want her after she's realized then?
Life sux and it'll throw you enough pain along the way, Stop throwing yourself at it.

[Gearhe4d]

I get it now. She's not a mature, sane individual. She's like most of the girl I see out there. Confused with no remorse about confusing or hurting others, in paricular, you.

What if I were to tell her about how much she is hurting me, and try to talk some sense into her about us and what we have? It seems like all of this "no contact" stuff beats around the bush WAY too much. Seems like it could be more effective to sort of challenge her thinking about this and see if she just thought about it too much, and is looking at our relationship in the wrong way? If I don't contact her at all, I don't see how her point of veiw could really change?

[Gearhe4d]

Life sux and it'll throw you enough pain along the way, Stop throwing yourself at it.

The real pain would be to go through the rest of my life without her being a part of it.

[compsavvyimnot]

As a Women... As some of you men may know, Men can't change our point of views, only aggrevate it.:p