[BlueMoodsNJustin]

My 19 year old son lives with me, a single mother, and as he is an "adult" feels that there should be no rules or conditions to his staying here. Not even rules of simple courtesty. i.e. he thinks it's OK for him to wake me up coming in drunk at 4 in the morning on a weekend because I don't have to get up and go to work.

He's not working so can't pay rent and his busy social life doesn't leave him enough time for household chores, not even picking up after himself. He has told me that I can either clean up his messes or deal with them but he won't do it himself.

He doesn't seem to have any concept of common courtesy and when I try to talk to him about these things he gets nasty and verbally abuses me. He says the rules aren't clear, which I guess is true because they aren't in writing, but wouldn't common sense tell you that if you come home and other people are sleeping that you need to be as quiet as possible?

Ok if he needs the rules in writing, what should they be? I am trying to come up with rules that only apply to the home, and not to his behavior outside the home. For instance, I don't like him drinking but rather than a "no drinking" rule I would say No coming home drunk. Rather than a curfew I would say if you can't be home by a certain time you need to make arrangements to spend the night elsewhere. Any other ideas?

I don't want to cross the line between setting limits for the sake of peace for both of us and trying to tell him how to live his life. At his age he can make his own choices and if they have negative consequences that's his problem, not mine.

[xoxaprilwine]

He is 19, he can hold a job down and help out around the house... sit down with him and tell him that living in the household as a family together is about mutual respect. You have tried to be supportive and understanding. You understand his youth but that does not excuse him from his responsibilities... you have done everything you could and if you do not see changes by the end of the month that he will find somewhere else to live because you are incurring expenses and having to clean up after another adult. Stick to it... if he can't be responsible then he should go and learn to be responsible because he will have no choice. At 7 I washed my own clothes and in elementary I packed lunches for myself and my sisters, took care of the animals and cleaned the house before my mom came home. As an adult living with parents... I did all that cleaning and lawn work (Dad was too busy with work) and I kept up with school and made honors... now I have my own family but guess what? I still do my moms banking and ANYTHING she asks me to do... phone calls, computer tasks, finding directions... whatever she needs so long as time is willing. I love and respect my parents... no matter how much I disagree with them... even at that age... I too had went out and came home late and drunk but everything has to have a balance. Besides coming home to mom on the couch was a hard concept... I felt bad and would help her to bed. So what's his excuse? You need to take a stern approach.

[JBeaucaire]

The person here who needs rules isn't him, it's YOU! (well, he needs rules, too, but not until you get your head together.)

Until you step back and reevaluate what is going on, none of your rules will have any teeth. You are (and I'm sure you know this), you are the "enabler" of fame.

His busy social life means he can't do chores? You stated that as a fact. That makes it YOUR truth, not his. He's just taking advantage of it.

He doesn't have a job so can't pay rent? You state that as a fact. That makes it YOUR truth, not his. He's just taking advantage of it.

You need to create HOUSE rules, not rules for "him". The house rules are rules you ALL live by. But as the homeowner, you must put feet to the rules.

1) Adults pay a fair rent. The rent should not be "token", it should MATCH the actual fair-market value for the service.

When my daughters graduated from high school, they knew they must stay enrolled FULL-TIME in college, or act like an adult. Our mortgage is $1500 for a 4bd 2bth house. Research showed a "room" for rent averaged $300 a month.

So that was the rent for an "adult". My oldest paid it, my youngest went to school.

Also, "rent" is not a "get out of jail free" card. This was the FIRST rule, all others were to be honored, as well.

2) All adults take responsibility for a portion of the utilities. Period. All adults.

3) All adults take responsibility for one specific daily chore. Period.

The cost of ignoring chore... $10 per incident.

Only 3 incidents would be allowed, then the rent would increase and the process would start again.

4) There is a curfew of 1am for adults. No exceptions without prior communication to other household adults.

5) Drunkenness and chemical influence are not allowed in the house AT ALL. If you get wasted at a party, make your curfew and we'll discuss the future ramifications. If it's past curfew, sleep it off with your friends.

Honor the household by keeping it out.
=========

To be honest, your son needs to be in a situation where living at home presents almost NO fiscal benefits over being on his own, it should cost about the same. This way, he can choose $500 a month expenses AND all your rules, or $500 a month for his own place with his own rules.

This way if he does stay at home, at least you know it's because he loves your company... which is actually fine. But all adults are treated the same. Work, rent, chores, respect. None are optional.

Momma birds push their tweeties out of the nest because that's what's best for them. Keep that in mind. Sparrows can't be smarter than you are about this.

[MarkwithaK]

He has told me that I can either clean up his messes or deal with them but he won't do it himself.

He would be out the door if it were me.

[N0help4u]

So he came back since the post I replied to earlier today?

First rule
Respect mom

Second rule
Get a job

Third rule
Cook, clean up and do laundry after self

Forth rule
Respect mom

Fifth rule
Breaking rules WILL get you an eviction

[DoulaLC]

I'd give him a set time limit to find a job and start helping out around the house or he can find another place to live. He wants to have adult privledges without the adult responsibilities... plain and simple. Age may make him "legally" an adult, it does not make him an actual adult.

[ja77]

So he came back since the post I replied to earlier today?

First rule
Respect mom

Second rule
Get a job

third rule
cook, clean up and do laundry after self

forth rule
respect mom

fifth rule
breaking rules WILL get you an eviction

This is what I was thinking too -

I would also add, why under my roof you will follow these rules or as posted above - hit the road jack -

[dontknownuthin]

Yeah, you know you have no obligation to house him and may have a responsibility to kick him out if your compliance with the current state of affairs is supporting him being a jerk and a slacker.

I'm all for telling him that his living there is conditional on the house rules. Make them reasonable. It is not reasonable for him to drink at all when he lives with you and certainly not in the house because he's not of legal age.

He needs to be in school full time and or a job. He needs to help with the house, with a good attitude about it. He needs to contribute to the household to earn his place there.

If he can't do these things or won't, evict him legally. Starting the process might make the point and it might not.

[Fr_Chuck]

At 19 my way or the highway is the first rule, It is your house, so it is your rules.

1. he does not come home drunk at 4 am.

2. he gets a job within a certain time frame,

3. until then he does certain chores for rent.

If he does not, you evict him and send him packing.

[julieoshea7]

If he can afford to drink till 4 in the morning he must be bloody loaded. Set him straight kick him out. Play hard ball he is being the parent. Be tough its hard but you will end up with RESPECT. That's what he is lacking. On his own there is no one to clean up after him, cook. He is living your life, Live your own life.BE STRONG!

[N0help4u]

I was thinking does he receive Social Security Disability or anything? If he does you may be able to declare that he is incompetent to take care of his own finances and be the guardian of his money then you can make sure he uses it to get a place and pay bills rather than drinking it up.

[lizbeth2009]

19 is an awkward age, because you are getting more provileges as an adult, but you are still trying to find yourself. Once high school is over the reality needs to kick in.

He needs to be in school or get a job, plain and simple. If he wants to go out and have fun he needs to be responsible about it. I lived with my parents when I started my business, I never came home drunk even when staying out late. Driving drunk is dangerous! He is putting his life in danger and anyone else who is in the car.

Make a list of all of the house rules that he needs to follow. It is sad that it has to come to that, but obviously he conveniently forgets them.

This will teach him how to be responsible and learn to respect you and whoever else he will live with in the future. (roommate,girlfriend, wife)

[dontknownuthin]

It appears everyone is in agreement and maybe it would be helpful to print all these responses and show them to him. It's not that people want to be mean, but that it is not good for your son - no better for him than it is for you - to behave the way you are describing. I have no objection even to permitting an adult child to live with the parents rent-free if they are helping you in some way and are doing something you support and want for them with the money they are earning. For example, if he were doing the yard work, shoveling the snow and otherwise helping around the house - providing you company if you need it - and if he were saving as much as he can to put a downpayment on a house, or improve his education or otherwise move forward in life. But at present, you are financing alcoholism which does not help him at all. It's very expensive to stay out drinking, too. And who do you think he will expect to bail him out of jail when he gets his due and is pulled over for DUI?

[jai_myers]

Put him out. You're giving him shelter, food, and a variation of other things and he can't respect you or your home put him out.

[Jake2008]

I wouldn't compromise anything, it is your house. It is so easy to sit back and say kick the bum out, but in reality, he is your son and you love him. Not at all an easy thing to close that door and lock it. Maybe there are things you can do first.

What you aren't allowing him to do is grow up. Think of it that way. It is a disservice to allow an adult to carry on like a 15 year old. You raise them to be independent, not dependent on mom. Maybe it is time to force that stage of development that has gone unchecked.

These would be my rules.

1. Rent is due the first of the month. (he's got booze money, he's got rent money)

2. No maid service. Give him a laundry basket, and let it pile up.

3. No board unless he's home on time for meals.

4. Any coming home after 1 a.m. the door will not be unlocked.

Make it clear that if the rent isn't on time, and in full, he'll have to make other arrangements for himself, and those will take effect the first of the next month.

Have another adult (friend, sibling etc.) present when you present the rules to him. Tack it up on his door.

Remember that this is an abrupt change to what you have allowed him to do, in your home, and toward you i.e. lack of respect, verbal abuse etc. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, but demanding respect won't happen until he realizes you are serious.

If it goes well, that's wonderful. I think he probably can live up to a few expectations. We all have to grow up and experience of being an adult, with its ups and downs.

If you force the issue, he will grow up, and you will have some peace of mind. It is your home, and YOUR life. To change the dynamics of the mother son relationship as it stands now, is to develop a healthy one for you both down the road. I would hate to see you in this position in another six months or a year, and even more if he decides to move in an unemployed pregnant girlfriend.

Best step up now mom, time to take charge. I don't envy you, and sincerely wish you well, but as others have said, you must do something to stop the behaviour, and make him grow up.

[synthcrx]

As a twenty year old, I wish my mom let me live at home. But, anyway, I think one condition of living at home is that he should be bettering himself is someway, either full time school, full-time job, or part time both. You should also set rules as to what times are acceptable to arrive home (out of courtesy, not a curfew) on what days of the week. Furthermore, he should be able to keep his space biohazard free. I'm not the cleanest person by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't let food/drinks make smells in my dwelling.

[Str8stack71]

TOUGH LOVE!. it's a difficult thing to do to your own child, but sometimes it's the only way. Use your brain and get a second opinion from your heart. Be consistent with your words and actions.

[juhi2011]

Well I don't agree with anyone of the above who is setting rules. I feel that if at this stage you are going to treat him in such a manner it he will get more violent in his behavior. All you need to do is FIRST sit and have a calm word with him as to why is he reacting in such a way which is not going to prove healthy for his future. After all you are his mother and should behave with more maturity..

[bkasperitis]

My 18 yr. old son was a decent and respectable kid until he started driving and got a little freedom. Now, he's an and I don't know what I'm going to do. His actions are messing up my marriage too!