[sagegirl]

I am writing to you because I am currently separated from my husband of 10 years, he left about 4 months ago. He cites several reasons for leaving, which are all my fault, and so far hasn't taken any responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage.

My family and friends think he is being mentally/psychologically abusive towards me and I want another opinion. He has never been a name caller, hasn't insulted me alone or in public, but where we stand right now is that I am very confused about the state of the marriage. He is living with his mother, but since we have two children together we talk frequently. I am very much in favor of working things out and reconciling, and he says that he is also, as long as "we" (meaning me) can "work out our issues". I have admitted to being overly emotional, and having angry outbursts, whereas he is almost passive-agressive and has withheld emotion and affection in the past when he feels he's been wronged. His "control" of his own emotions feels diabolical in way, like he is purposely being calm so that I will "lose it" and then it becomes my fault. I used to think he was just very patient, but now I am starting to wonder if my family and friends are right.

He refuses to talk to me when he starts to hear my voice crack or even the slightest rise in tone on the phone. He won't talk to me face to face about our "issues" and tells me to send emails, which he hardly ever replies to. I feel myself esteem plummetting every time I ask him to go out with me and he refuses, or to come over and spend some time with the kids. Quite often his response will be "I didn't like the way our visit ended the last time I saw you, so I don't think it's a good idea to see each other" (referring to the fact that I sometimes get emotional when is leaving again, and might leave the room crying)

When I have suggested that we file for divorce so that I can move on, I am told "it is not over in my mind yet, I don't know why it is in yours" :confused: and he is very suspicious that I might be seeing someone else. I see these as signs that he still cares, though I know that love isn't possessive or jealous.

I hope I've given enough information, I know I've written a lot. Thank you in advance for your help.

Sage

[N0help4u]

Sounds like he may be controlling you emotionally.
He is taking a passive aggressive approach which can be very manipulative. I would not make the first moves-emails, asking him to visit or anything and just wait and see how long it takes for him to try and make the effort. Right now he feels he has you in his pocket because he expects that you will call, email, ask him over, etc...
Do things that take him by surprise, you have become too predictable to him.
Other than that the only other thing I see that will help is get counseling so that he has to come to understand your point of where things stand and where he is wrong.